Introducing Death

When we talk of my mother-in-law's death to my now 4.5yo son (he was 18mo when she died) we say the following:

Sometimes people get so sick their bodies stop working. When their bodies stop working, they die. Their bodies just stop functioning. Most people don't die until they are very old or very, very sick.

If there are any questions based on this info, we answer them as honestly and simply as possible.

We don't believe in a life beyond this life either so death is very simple: the absence of life.

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Have your children seen Bambi, or Nemo (or any other Disney movie for that matter). I think this is how I introduced this concept to my child. No one my child knows personally has died, so I know it's a different story, but perhaps through fiction you can broach the topic more gingerly?

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My oldest, 9, has experienced many close deaths from the time he was 18 mos. Each time we we're open and honest with our feelings as well as our knowledge of death.
I feel that treating children like the little adults that they are with knowledge and being honest with them creates a child who can see the big picture better. Maybe they will be more efficient with the time that they are here. There is never anything wrong about being honest with the truth If you want Honest kids who become honest adults.
As far as what your beliefs on after life- it doesn't matter, what matters is that the one who passed won't be HERE any more. My best wishes to you and your family.

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I don't remember - how old are your kids, again? Perhaps that would help us to help you...

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One of my earliest memories is going to my grandfather's funeral, or maybe it was the wake. I'm told I was around 4 or 5 when he died, and I was allowed to see him in the casket. When I asked questions, my parents tell me that they gave me the bare-bones answers. As I got older, they gave me more in-depth answers as I asked questions, like when other relatives died, or pets, or whatever. They never shielded me, but they never offered more than they thought I could handle, either. Kids understand more than we give them credit for, I think.

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Like LS I remember going to my grandfather's wake when I was 5 and being lifted up by my mom to see into the casket. Now in hindsight I am happy to have been able to be a part of that, it gave a connection to my grandfather which whom I don't remember to much about.

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In my large Catholic family, children of all ages from babyhood on, are taken to wakes and funerals. A strong belief in heaven and reunion with loved ones makes it easier to explain death. My youngest daughter was 3 when my grandmother died, 5 when her grandfather died. She was extremely close to both of them; she would have found it more confusing and frightening to be cut off from the family's mourning.

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I've noticed how our boys gate-keep their own knowledge. They're not passive recipients of parental wisdom/folly; but rather they take what they want to know and deny or defend that which is outside their limits. It's taught me to trust their ability to find out about the world, including the ickier bits.

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I couldn't agree with Bee more. Kids are very resilient even more so then adults.
A little guidance and some real life exposure helps them become understanding and coping adults. I have to say the only thing we need to shelter them from is the media. More on that at another time.

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I remember being taken to a relative`s funeral (I believe it was a great aunt...) and being allowed to touch her arm during the viewing. I would guess it was around 4, as it was before my great-grandmother passed away. (She passed when I was 5)
For some reason that really brought the reality of death to me. She wasn`t just sleeping, she was cold and...gone.

There was nothing strange feeling about it to me at the time - other relatives were patting her on the arm when they laid flowers on her chest, etc. It helped me accept the death of my great-grandmother who had been much more close when she died.

I don`t really think that sheltering them from the viewing is necessarily the best option. For me, when I was a child, it gave a very strong sense of finality - even if I wasn`t 100% certain of what death meant.

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I lost my dad when I was 13 yrs of age, the eldest of 4 children. He was 38 my mother was 34. We were all traumatized at his loss. I found a few scriptures in the bible that help me understand death and resurrection but did little to comfort me completely as we as a family did not mourn openly our dads death, because my grandfather told my mother she had to be strong, so she kept all the tears hidden from us and anger became the normal emotion she displayed. It wasn't until years later that as an adult, I started searching for answers about death, and what the Bible had to say about it. I heartily recommend searching this out as it is full of comfort and hope! I now have a 4 yr old grand daughter and she has seen death thru family members on her mom's side of the family. That got me to thinking about what she would go thru when it was my time to go. So.....I took a small flowered box and showed it to her one day she came over and I told her that this box was special because I had put kisses and hugs in it for her. That when ever she thought about me if I wasn't here she could take the box and open it and get a kiss out from me. She was delighted in that idea and would see the box and open it and we would BOTH put kisses and hugs in it for one another! I leave the box out so that we both have access to it to add to when we would like.
I also have a day of the week that we get together and do things, and this year she started preschool so I started helping out off and on at her school at her parents request
so we have "chats" to and from school. One day she started talking about the blue sky and clouds and heaven and I said to her, "I'm going to heaven one day" I asked her if she wanted to go, and she wanted to know if she went could we come back home, and I told her no - She said she didn't want to go. I talked to her about what the bible reveals about heaven, and she was thinking it over when we last talked, however she did talk with her parents about it - which was more than ok with me. I think it really helps if parents talk about life and death - it's a great study to read what the Bible and not religion have to say about it!

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My mother died when i was 11yrs old.Im not sure how I would have had any closure without going to the funeral.

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