This is my method for kids that age:

1. Do your best to predict and intercept hitting. When the hand comes at you, take it and give it something else to do - a crayon, a toy, whatever.

2. If you should get hit anyway, hold the hands (both) so they can't do it. Say very firmly but calmly "No hitting. It *hurts*. It's *not nice*. No hitting." (The parts I would have bolded if I could you say a little louder. These are keywords which I say over and over and over again, like "It's *dangerous*" or "It makes me *scared*" or whatever.)

3. If it happens again in a short time, or if he's clearly not in a mood to be spoken to at all, put him down (even in his playpen if he really needs some time alone), say "No hitting." and walk away. If the kiddo isn't playpenned and comes after you, say it again. "When I was holding you, you hit me. That hurts. No hitting" and wait a bit before picking him up again (or playing with him, or reading, or doing whatever it was that led to this).

4. As they get older, I encourage the little one to say "No hitting" after I do. I don't want to pressure kids to say sorry if they don't mean it, so I do that.

5. If the kid looks like they're calculatingly hitting me to make me stop doing something, I certainly carry on with whatever it is. If we're crossing a street and they hit so I won't hold their hand, I don't even respond unless it continues a while after we cross the street. There's a time and a place, after all.

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Here is what I do with my son. He knows that hitting is wrong, but just has to test it every once in a while. Same deal with kicking. I have found that just being stern, not necessarily angry, usually works the best. I think my tactics are pretty similar to Uly`s.

First hit and I stop what I am doing, look at him and sternly say "That hurt. I do NOT like things that hurt." If he hits/kicks me again, I tell him "Stop. Now. We do NOT hit/kick.". Third time and I make a move. I will grab his hand or foot, and hold it still. Not painfully tight, but enough that he knows I am serious. I`ll look into his eyes and tell him that he did a bad thing, and tell him I do not like being hurt. And that we do not hit or kick. I`ll maintain the hold for about 30 seconds to a minute (long enough to seem like an eternity for him, I imagine.) then let go with a "If you do it again, I`ll be really angry. I don`t like being angry, so stop."

He virtually NEVER continues after that. If he does, "really angry" is sitting with me in the toyless bedroom for about 5 minutes while I tell him that he needs to stop doing whatever he did. He hates it. Usually, if it gets to that point, any doubts he had of my seriousness are gone and he`ll cry for a hug or to be held, etc. Until we`re done, I refuse and tell him that if he`s just going to hit or kick me, I don`t want to hold him. This seriously works everytime, and he won`t hit or kick for a few days - as long as I believe it takes him to totally forget about it.

My husband, on the other hand, will do the soft "Ow... You`re hurting me." with the pretend crying, and the "Why are you hitting me?" stuff. It becomes a game to get a reaction and he doesn`t stop unless my husband gets fed up and yells at him - which I don`t really think is the best tactic.

My son hardly ever hits or kicks me, but he hits and kicks my husband all the time. My husband finds it a total mystery. *sigh*

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We've had an ongoing prob. w/this with our 2-y.o. (more with her hitting other kids) and we've tried everything. When she hits, she goes by herself for a time. No bells and whistles, no big reaction (the other moms are in on this tactic - luckily they are REALLy good friends!), just a 'no hitting' in a very calm voice and a quick removal from the situation. Sometimes I do hold her hands for a bit. If she hits ME, I do the same thing, but I go somewhere where I can close the door and be away from her, which is the worst thing for her. The more 'bells and whistles' and words she hears, the more she hits. The calmer I am and the faster I react with a consequence, the less she'll do it. This is advice I got from a family therapist who teaches a parenting class and it does seem to be helping.

I also praise, praise, praise her when we've had a great play date w/no hitting, or when I see her go to hit someone and stop herself.

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When my daughter (now 17 months) gets very excited, she sometimes hits my face. When she does this, I grab her wrist and say, firmly but calmly, "No, we don't hit! Be nice!" Then I take her hand and use it to gently stroke my face. I use this same approach when she hits the cat (telling her no and then showing her how to pet the cat nicely). It seems to be working. She's much gentler with our old and very patient cat now, and hardly ever hits me anymore, even when excited.

I kinda got this technique from Dr. Sears. In his baby book he explains that hitting is normal at this age, and the best way to deal with it is to simply say "No" and then demonstrate other ways to exhibit whatever emotion is going on at the time (like clapping to show excitement, pointing and saying "please" if baby wants something, petting and hugging to show happiness, etc.).

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We have a great series of books that includes "Hands Are Not for Hitting" (also "Teeth Are Not for Biting" and "Feet Are Not for Kicking" and a few others) and my two and a half year old son really likes them. He asks to read them frequently and I think they have had an impact. Hiting and biting are just about gone from his repertoire. The books show all the good things teeth and hands and feet are for and include some great tips for parents and teachers. They also talk about what the child can say and do if someone hits, bites, or kicks them.

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I don't think he has the capacity to understand the connection between your caring for him and him hitting you. Like you said, he is testing you.

My daughter started this some time ago, I would guess by picking it up from daycare.

It takes up to 1000 repititions for a kid that age to understand the consequences. Consistent consequences is about all you can do. Reasoning does not work at this age.

With our daughter we would grab her hand(s), pull her in close and tell her, firmly, NO. If she rebutted with another swing, she got time out. Again, she got a smack on the butt and time out.

She does not hit anymore. It has been at least 6 months since she has hit anyone. She is younger than Nolan. We also did this same type of thing to teach her to be gentle with the dog, the cat, and her cousins. She is no longer rough with any of those beings. So this has worked for us.

Right now, though, she wants to "tickle" people's faces. So, it is an ongoing battle.

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I agree with the above. Young toddlers are still learning about emotions, and have a hard time connecting their actions to the emotions of others. Pretending to cry or be hurt is a game to them: I think they know you're pretending. Logic or reasoning with toddlers is just as useless - they're still "learning the language," so to speak, so how could they follow your argument?

Whatever, you choose to do, consistency is the key. Find out from your caregiver how Nolan acts while you are working. If hit, I personally stop everything, get down on his level, look him in the eyes, grasp the offending hand, put on my "angry mommy" face, and sternly say "No Hitting!" in a louder than usual voice (no yelling, though). I hold the hand for several seconds and make sure he knows it is not good. Sometimes, we will model "nice nice" touches (he knows how to touch things nicely) with toys and people, so after a hitting episode we say "you must be nice nice to Mommy" (or whatever was hit). If he continues to hit, we repeat until the hitting stops, with the hand grasp lasting longer. Now he can answer questions and repeat after me "No hitting" too. (Our son is 26 months old.)

One thing I notice is bad behaviour happens for the same reason. Our son throws toys when he is hungry: it never fails. Is Nolan hungry, thirsty, or tired when he hits? Does he want your attention? Can you teach him another way to get your attention? Model good behaviour and practice it.

Good luck!

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My son is close to Nolan's age. What seems to work is a stern face, a neutral "No hitting. Hitting hurts" followed by a distraction. If it happens again, the face is a little sterner, the tone a little firmer, and a sitdown in front of the wall (which he hates) for a minute is employed. Then we move on to something else. It has worked so far.

My inlaws have suggested the retaliatory hit (or bite or whatever). But I don't think that works. You're automatically contradicting yourself by doing to them what you want them to stop doing. They're too young to make that connection; they'll just wonder why Mommy hurt them.

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I will also add that I have some success with, at a time *separate* from the hitting (even if it's only separate by a few minutes) practicing being nice. "Let's hug with our hands. That's *nice*" or "Is your bear going to sleep? Let's pat her back gently. That's *nice*""

In contrast to what others tend to say, I have great success reasoning with two year olds. It does work at this age - you just have to tailor your tone down to their level. You say "That's not nice" not "Why would you do that?" and you say "We should be gentle" and not "I do everything for you" and you wait until they're calm. That's why it's a part of how I stop the kiddo from hitting me, because it *totally works* - you just have to do it right.

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I have to admit Kirstin... I do the same as you. I'm pathetic when it comes to disciplining Orion. I'm reading the replies to this for ideas! ;o)

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I find this post most interesting. My boys never hit me though my oldest did bite. He only stopped after one afternoon I was standing at the sink peeling potato's and he bit my leg. It scared me more than it hurt me and my first reaction was to bite him back. Funny thing....he never bit again. He was 2. I know now your not supposed to do that but this was 29 years ago. But, it did work. I would never do that now but I didn't know better then and like I said, it scared me.
But what I wanted to say was this, if you don't like what they do now, imagine it years from now. Chances are high when they are 10 (for example) they won't be hitting you but then again, if you don't disipline at all, they might and it won't be pretty then. That's just kind of how I did things. Things that wouldn't be "cute" as an older child, I dealt with NOW because children tend to do what they can get away with.

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If the child is really too young to already know that hitting is bad, my first tactic is to say "gently" and demonstrate acceptable touching. Other than that, it's a specific warning followed by punishment. Both the warning and the punishment always involve a time-out away from me and the person that was hit. If the hitting victim was a child, I also give the victim extra hugs in the presence of the hitter so he/she knows hitting will only result in the diversion of my attention to someone else. This approach seems to work pretty well.

I notice that hitting pretty much never occurs unless the hitter is in a very bad mood about something in the first place. For example, big sister gets mad at me and slaps little sister. Knowing this, my first goal is to address the cause of the bad mood before it translates into bad behavior.

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Here's what I do. As soon as my son hits me (which he no longer does), I grab him firmly by the arms and I say "No. You cannot hit." I do not get angry. I look at him in the eyes. and then I say, "it's time for bed, now. you need to sit there and think about it." (that's what i say -- i'm sure he doesnt' actually think about it)

and then i very calmly put him to bed. it doesn't matter how he reacts.

there's no anger. no violence. but he's removed completely from the situation.

and i give him 5 or 10 minutes and then i let him out again. a few repeats of this and i'm sure your child will stop.

remember, you are doing this for him. he needs to learn NOW that it is not acceptable to behave in this way. you will be saving him alot of grief when he's older and finds out from his classmates or school officials (or worse, the cops) the hardway that hitting is not acceptable.

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This is slightly off topic, but this post brings to mind something I often wonder about - nobody has given me an answer yet.

Why do little kids, who have never received or seen corporal punishment, hit so often?

One of the reasons often given for not using corporal punishment is that it somehow teaches kids to be violent. Yet it seems to me that hitting and other violent behavior occurs at least as much, if not more, with kids who have never experienced a spanking. Anyone have thoughts on this? Is the spanking = raising a violent child theory complete bunk (as I believe it is)?

Now don't read into this to assume I am suggesting spanking Nolan. I am not. I'm just stating a general observation that's been in my mind for a long time.

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I've thought about that too SKL. I'm not sure what the answer is. It seems every few years things change. I first of all think there is a big difference between a swat on the rear end to "hitting." I don't agree with the above poster who compares a "swat" to that of a man hitting his wife but we all have different views. My kids are older now and when I was raising them the "spanking" virsus "time outs" was just coming about. I didn't spank my kids often but I did give them a wake up/swat when I was either scared or really wanted their attention and that was it. It's like anything else that you overdue, it loses it's punch (no pun intended!). I wonder too about the violence in some and not others. I sometimes think those who are very spoiled and self centered are the most apt to be violent and it has nothing to do with getting a spanking as a child.

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Sorry, I got my articles mixed up. That post I was talking about, the man hitting the wife was in the "Massachusetts considering outlawing spankings." Sorry about that guys.

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With this kind of thing, say "No hitting! That hurts!" and look disappointed and direct him to another activity. Maybe write the rules of the house down and post them (doesn't matter that he can't read) and point to them. If he persists, it's time out. Or do time out for every offense--that will work even faster, if time out is boring enough! You can't tolerate that kind of behavior. You are giving him way too much power and your explanation for why not to do it is too abstract. But you said you know all this in your post. So feel free to do it! You have to be in charge.

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Thanks for your thoughtful comments all. I'm so interested in exploring this I'm going to post about your comments tomorrow...

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Yeah, what Uly said.

Don't make a big deal of the hurt. He's just testing you. Just be direct and don't make it an emotional game. Simple consequences..."I don't hang around people who hit me, so you play by yourself and I'll be over here."

If he hits you with something, take it from his hands and put it on top of the fridge or bookcase. He can see it, but he can't have it. If he pitches a fit ("if", ha, ha), you explain that he hit with it and can't have it for five minutes. Set the timer. Before you give it back, remind him that he's not going to use it for anything other than it's intended use. If he even makes like he's going to hit you again, take it and it goes away for the rest of the day. "Maybe tomorrow morning you'll know how to use it properly." Now, if, for some strange reason he doesn't pitch a fit about the first taking, just leave it there. Wait until he asks for it again and then remind him about no hitting with it.

I used to think that I had to bluster and pretend to be mad or hurt by something the kids did. What a waste of my energy!!! Calm and matter of fact is much more effective and a whole lot easier. *I* am in control of *myself*. I used to take their misbehavior personally. It's not personal! It's just developmental. It gets personal when we handle it emotionally.

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I was born in 1945, as I grew up my mom consistantly spanked me, I can't really say that her action did lots of good, I was still a "bad boy". Later my Dad took me out to the garage (seemingly everytime he came home from his job, he was a RR man) he applied his leather belt to my buttocks and legs. My point, I've never been is trouble with the law, I've never senselessly beat up anyone, I've never shot and/or killed anyone, I served in our armed forces honorably, I don't tell lies, I face my responsibilties as best I can. I can't honestly say that the spanking I received did lots of good back then, except that it possibly kept me out of trouble. So I spanked my kids when they were growing up, as a result I have one 38 y o brat that still thinks money grows on trees and a 42 y o Registered nurse that is in an excellent position at her place of employment! Where did I go wrong?

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