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Dealing with hitting: the soft approach or the hard
Filed under: Toddlers Preschoolers, Development/Milestones: Babies
Like all Moms, I'm positive my son has a soft, tender heart. I'm sure he doesn't want to hurt anyone or anything, that he's filled with empathy for the comfort of his fellow humans, little and small. Except when I'm momentarily hit in the face full force, with the brunt of his plastic yellow hockey stick."I hit Mommy," he says, and I can see in his eyes that he is testing me. He didn't hit me hard but he hit me and that is most definitely a no no.
He's been doing this more often: a pinch here, a jab there, a furtive look into my eyes to see what I'm going to do next. Often, I'm torn. My instinct is to display on my face what my soul feels: hurt, disappointment, truth.
"Mommy does everything for you Nolan. Mommy loves you so much. Why would you want to hit me?" But that dejected hurt, I fear, insinuates that I'm weaker than him, that he can run over me. I feel like what I should be doing is telling him loudly, harshly, NO! I have friends who would say that he should be jabbed and pinched back so he knows it is not nice.
I'm good at baking cupcakes, throwing rocks, telling bedtime stories over and over. But I fear I'm a bit incompetent when it comes to this discipline thing. What works for you, Internet?
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ReaderComments (Page 2 of 2)
11-30-2007 @ 9:44AM
Sandyone said...I don't know where or if you really went wrong. We all grow up to make our own choices. Our parents can influence an awful lot (and have a responsibility to do so), but in the end, we all choose the way we're going to act.
We do the best we know (and that's the trick...learning what's best and being diligent enough to do it...because it's not easy) and pray for a good outcome.
If you want to blame yourself and spanking, maybe your 38yr old was a bad candidate for spanking. It's a great tool for some kids. For others, it does just breed the resentment and sneakiness that opponents attribute to all spanking. Each child is unique and special. Each one needs to have his needs met properly. Sometimes, as parents, we forget this or maybe get a little lazy and resort to the familiar and the easy.
My mom has 7 kids and we've all turned out rather differently. Rather! We were all raised pretty much the same way. Some of us reacted well to it, others, not so much. No serial killers or psychos in the bunch, though. Just different individuals, choosing what's important to them in life.
11-30-2007 @ 2:32PM
SKL said...I would like to add that I also make it a point to praise my girls for being good, e.g., playing well with sister, asking for things without hollering, listening to Mama, trying hard to learn a new skill, etc. At the end of the day, I re-run the interesting and good things that happened that day with each girl, as I'm putting them to bed. I really think this helps. When they start acting up I usually only have to say "be good girls" and they redirect themselves to a more positive behavior.
Little kids understand "do" a lot better than "don't." Whatever command or suggestion you give, you are giving them an idea, and it might be a bad idea. "Don't throw it on the floor" versus "keep it on the table" may produce different results. So whenever you can phrase a correction in positive terms, or at least add a positive suggestion, you increase the chance that the bad behavior will stop.
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12-05-2007 @ 4:11PM
Jan Bay said...Just last night in a restaurant I felt the middle one sneak her fingers onto my arm and very quickly I found out why. She pinched me! Not hard and she didn't deny it. She actually asked me if it hurt! I remained very calm and said that indeed it did and asked her not to do it again then I went back to my meal. I didn't punish her or lose my cool.
I'm wondering what it was about and if or when it will happen again. I think if it does that I will have to do a time out or mete out some kind of punishment as she's used up her one freebie!
We haven't gone through the hitting thing, and I would punish her for that but not by hitting her back. That's rather hypocritical, isn't it? Or would the appropriate word be counter productive?
I'm against spanking even though it worked on me as a child. We didn't get spanked very often, but we knew it was a possibility if we pushed the envelope. Was this feeling mentally or developmentally damaging? I'm not really sure, but I've never been in trouble with the law or had substance abuse problems.
Jan from http://www.unique-baby-gear-ideas.com/
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