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Uncomfortable holiday getting
Filed under: Day Care & Education
I know the holidays are about giving and not getting. I know that when you give a present, you shouldn't do it with the expectation that you're going to get something back.But honestly, tell me: do you not feel mildly frantic, frizzy, and wildly inadequate when a random friend or relative surprises you with an awesome, thoughtful, expensive gift and you have...a limp form letter and a card to give back?
My Auntie Jane* sends Nolan and I presents for our birthdays and Christmas. They're usually gorgeous, expensive clothes, the kind that I can't afford. Striped sweaters that read "aeroplane" for Nolan, saucy wee trousers for him and luxe jackets for me. I appreciate the sentiment a lot: 90% of Nolan's jaunty wardrobe comes from Auntie Jane and it's true that expensive clothes are more durable, as a rule. I'm sure that Auntie expects nothing in return. I send her cards at holidays and thank you notes, of course, but I've never actually gone out and bought her a present. Really, I don't buy presents for too many people outside my immediate family.
But I can't help but think if she sits at home wondering why I never buy her anything back. I could buy her a small token: perhaps a handmade bracelet or a pretty hair clip, but then I would sit and wonder if that's cheesy compared to her generosity, whether she might think I just did it because she did it. Perhaps I over think every freaking situation on this planet, for the love of all things holy. It's fairly probably that I do, in fact.
But I need to know anyway: do you buy a gift back for someone who gives you a gift? Or is that negating the whole spirit of the holiday?
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Get started on your holiday shopping this year with a little help from Nancy Mitchell.
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ReaderComments (Page 1 of 1)
12-13-2007 @ 9:56AM
Mama2kids said...This is the number one thing that drives me nuts about this time of year. Every year it seems like more and more relatives give my children gifts and I haven't given anything in return. I feel so guilty each year. I have spoken to a few relatives and told them it is so nice of them to think of my kids, but it is really not necessary to buy them something. They always say, "Oh, I would feel bad if they did have anything to open!" (Oh, yeah like the 50 other gifts they will already be opening from their grandparents alone! My kids are not hurting for gifts to open! Trust me.) In the past I had never bought anything for their children and now I feel the pressure to do so. I never know what the proper thing to do is. I try to cut back each year, but the list of people to buy for seems to keep growing. I don't know if they expect anything in return, but I always feel guilty if I don't bring something.
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12-13-2007 @ 10:06AM
Jennifer said...I think the best thing to do in this situation is write a nice heart felt handwritten thank you note, and have your son help you write one as well. Use nice stationary and send it with a picture of the item being used. Let her know that you're grateful.
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12-13-2007 @ 1:30PM
meredith said...I totally agree with this. Nothing says thank you like "Thank You!"
If you want to be extra sweet, send some flowers when there is not a reason and just thank her for always being so kind and generous.
In my opinion, presents one doesn't expect far outweighs anything received for an occasion.
12-13-2007 @ 10:37AM
Kim said...Jennifer is spot on. Let Nolan "decorate" the paper or envelope. Anyone who loves you and child enough to send the sort of gifts you get from Auntie Jane would be very happy to see the items being worn and get a nice note in return. Maybe get her a basic frame that is easy to change. Send her new photos when you can, sometimes out of the blue and for no particular occasion.
If it bothered her she probably would not continue to send gifts.
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12-13-2007 @ 10:35AM
SKL said...Showing your gratefulness is the only thing you need to do, though I do think a very thoughtful and unique gift, such as a beautiful photo memory book to mark a special occasion, would be appreciated. Chances are there are few things your aunt would want that she doesn't already buy for herself. And I doubt she wants to accumulate more stuff from every person she buys for.
I am usually the auntie in my family who gives way more than others. I do it because I am addicted to Christmas shopping and especially kid shopping; and also because I can afford so many things they can't. Now that I have kids, there is only one thing that would tick me off, and that would be if any of those I've showered with attention and gifts just totally blew my kids off. I have no wish to receive expensive stuff - I don't use it or even like it, and my kids already have way too much stuff. But it would be very telling if they didn't come up with some small item for my kids after I've spent hundreds on each of theirs.
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12-13-2007 @ 10:38AM
Nicola said...In my family, the reason that aunts who I really don't know that well always send nice gifts for our son at Christmas and his birthday is that my mom does the same for their grandchildren. I always send a nice thank you note and some photos. They used to send me gifts as a child (and my mom sent their children gifts) and now that I have my own child, they send gifts to him (as my mom has done for their children's children). Does that make sense? I don't feel that I need to reciprocate by sending a gift to my aunt -- as she's only doing it to reciprocate my mom's kindness! A thank you note and some photos are plenty. I'm sure that I will do the same with my sister's children, just as she is always so generous to my son, and their children one day as well...
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12-13-2007 @ 11:11AM
LS said...How about sending not just a thank you, but a photo of Nolan in whatever the new outfit is? Or playing with the new toy?
When my MIL hosted a baby shower for me, she invited many of her friends - many of whom I didn't know, or had only met once. They gave lovely things, and I was in the same predicament as you. So I sent the basic Thank-you notes immediately after the shower, but then after Little Man was born, I'd kept the thank-you list, and photographed him with their outfits/gifts, and sent each one that photo with a second quick thank-you. Many commented to my MIL how much they appreciated this.
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12-13-2007 @ 11:58AM
MojraL said...As someone who often sents such gifts, usually to my daughter's friends children, I can say I give for the pleasure of it, and don't expect this to be reciprocated. A nice note is wonderful, even an email is okay, so I know they received it. I think it would be truly marvelous to get something the child "made" in return: draw a picture, help decorate cookies, or a photo. I would really treasure this!
My income level is much higher than my daughter's friends, and I know they cannot give me a comparable gift, and I don't want it!
BTW, I have stopped giving gifts to my brother's grandchildren, because the gifts were never even acknowledged: no note, email, phone call, or even a mention the next time I saw them!
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12-13-2007 @ 12:59PM
Jenny said...I have an aunt and uncle that are very well off. They are always good to us at Christmas. I never sent them more than a card as I was always stumped as to what to get people who really have everything. Last year I decided to donate money in their name to a charity I knew was important to them. That turned out to be a big hit.
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12-13-2007 @ 2:28PM
CLM said...As a former professional auntie (finally got around to having our own kiddos), I can tell you from my own experience that no return gift is expected. It's tough and expensive to be a parent and aunties know this, which is why they enjoy getting luxe things for their kid-blessed loved ones. If you want your thank you to be extra special, have Nolan draw her something and include a picture of the two of you wearing your new finery. That is better than any present.
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12-13-2007 @ 3:59PM
Karen said...When my kids are opening their presents I try to take pictures of them opening the gifts that come from people that live far away, or from people that I do not send gifts to in return. Then I try to get a picture of them wearing the item or playing with the present within a couple of days.
Then I upload the picture to the USPS site and send a postcard that has that picture. I type in a greeting (as if it were from the child) and I send it off as soon as I can. I don't have to leave my house and they get a postcard in the mail that either has a great expression of them opening the gift or one of them using it. Everyone seems to love it and I can get them out immediately. Because it is a pictures as well as a note, some of them end up on the recipients frig and when I send the large post cards, my Grannie frames them. It isn't a gift per se, but it almost feels like one.
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12-13-2007 @ 5:57PM
Sandyone said...I think it would be great if you added Auntie Jane to your Crackberry so it would give you a reminder to jot off a quick not to her every month or so. She cares about you two and keeping her updated shows that you care about her as well. Buy a cute pack of notecards for the purpose and just send a short note each month/3 weeks. You don't want to postmark it on the 5th of each month or she might feel like a bill collector!
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