Describing the beauty of parenthood

by Kristin Darguzas (Subscribe to Kristin Darguzas's posts) Dec 30th 2007 4:30PM

Categories: Just For Moms, Development, That's Entertainment

My friend Lisa* was over at my house the other night. We sat on bar stools at the kitchen counter after I put Nolan to bed and sipped white wine, talked about passions, soul food and matters of the heart.

"I don't know if I ever really want kids,"she confided in me,"And now would be the time to know, you know? I'm 33."
She stopped and I hesitated, drew breath, and decided to say nothing.
"It's just...I love my lifestyle, "she continued,"I love to travel and drink wine and sleep in till noon on Sundays if I want."
I nodded, sipped my wine, and ate an olive.
I wanted to tell her: But the love of your child is ten thousand times more powerful than your first trip to an unspoiled beach in Greece. If given the choice between sleeping in till 11:00 and getting up at 5:00 AM, you'll gladly stand in the silence of your baby's room, watching his chest rise and fall and marveling at the silken skin of his cheek. And on days when you have your freedom back, when you can fly to Amsterdam for the weekend or go snowboarding in Washington, instead you will think of your baby and feel half full and wonder how you were a person before him.

Instead I say,"I miss travel some days, for sure."

It's nearly impossible to describe what it is like to have a piece of your soul running on the earth beside you. Strangely, the best description of parenthood I've ever read is one that can be found on the shopping bags of my favourite brand of yoga pants:

"Children are the orgasm of life. Just like you did not know what an orgasm was before you had one, nature does not let you know how great children are until you have them."

But I spare Lisa the awkwardness of attempting to explain how children are like orgasms. But secretly I hope she has kids one day, so she knows, too.

*I change the name of almost everyone I write about here, so that they don't google themselves and writhe in horror at the unintentional publicity of our discussions. Just so you know.

Comments (10)

Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)

Michelle 12-30-2007 @ 4:51PM

I completely agree (although the orgasm comparison is a little awkward). I never knew such love existed before I had my son. It is almost impossible to describe.

jennifergrafgroneberg 12-30-2007 @ 5:06PM

This was beautiful, Kristin. And I agree, too. What puzzles me is why I cared so much about such silly things, before. I guess it's because I didn't know there was anything better.

Nicola 12-30-2007 @ 5:43PM

Its the way that you would do ANYTHING for them. Anything at all. A love so complete that you never understood the way that it would fill your heart and soul until the first time that you saw that little face. Never imagined anything so intense, so wholly consuming.

It is a whole lot of work, and there are sacrifices at every turn, but pieces of that old life are handed over freely in the face of this new gift of parenthood. Wouldn't trade it for the world. Definitely didn't understand it before we lived it.

Jenny 12-30-2007 @ 5:50PM

I love my children and I wouldn't trade anything for them. But I think that if people genuinely don't want children, that is absolutely their right. There are other ways to give to the next generation without having kids of your own. I think there are a lot of parents out there who felt like it was something they *should* do rather than something they *wanted* to do, and I think that's a sad thing. I doubt any of those parents are on this board since it attracts those who are enthusiastic about parenting.

I'd encourage your friend to trust her own instincts. She knows what is best for her. I traveled the world before I had kids and had my first child at 37. I feel lucky that I can feel I did want I wanted to do, on both fronts, and my new attitude towards travel is "that was then, this is now." I wouldn't want to feel like the two things were in direct competition, because there is no way you can make a comparison.

mamacheryl 12-30-2007 @ 6:46PM

Where I worked, there was a lot of women of child bearing age. Lots of us were getting pregnant and having babies, but a few weren't. They liked children and went to the baby showers, but they would consistently express their reluctance to have children themselves. Many mothers would express disbelief and even outrage sometimes, but I staunchly defended them. Like Jenny posted above, some women don't feel a natural maternal instinct and can't imagine being kids.

I've met a couple women in my life who really regret having kids. They had hoped that the warm fuzzy maternal feelings would just magically happen after they gave birth, but it didn't happen. They did the best they could to raise their kids, but I have to think the kids were affected by the mom's attitude. Some women shouldn't be mothers, just like we all know some guys who would make terrible fathers. It's not necessarily a judgment against the people, it's just a fact of life.

JustMyThoughts 12-30-2007 @ 7:15PM

Kids are terrific, but frankly I'm surprised more people don't exercise the option not to have them. I think too many people have kids because that's what comes next, without thinking about how it will change their lifestyle and whether or not that's what they really want. If your friend doesn't want them, then good for her. She may come to regret it later, or she may not. I certainly don't take it personally if someone chooses a path different from mine.

SKL 12-30-2007 @ 10:12PM

I've always looked forward to having kids. Now that I have them, I guess the most telling thing is how I can have a draining, exhausting morning full of every kind of kid frustration, and then 15 minutes into their nap, I miss them!

queenoqueens 12-30-2007 @ 10:28PM

The irony is that I think the people who give so much thought to not having children, are people who would probably be good parents.

The biggest testament to how wonderful the experience of loving a child is, is the sheer amount of work and sacrifice involved. Either having a child is one of life's most wonderful experiences, or us parents are all out of our * minds.

Denise 1-01-2008 @ 6:44PM

As someone who always wanted children but am unable to have any of my own, I have always shielded my pain by saying that we're not really interested in having children of our own. We both volunteer with children and love doing so, but it doesn't really fill the void. At 40, people have stopped asking now for the most part - thank God! - but it's still painful.

Lora 12-31-2007 @ 11:02PM

I agree with queenoqueens. I know some people who would be amazing parents, but don't. Perhaps "Lisa" is one. A friend of mine with three beautiful children said to me, "if you wait until you are ready, you'll never be ready.."
I too, was wary, and dragged my feet until becoming a mother at 34. I thank God for granting me the miracle of my son, and I wonder why I waited so long. I loved the paragraph of what you wanted to say to your friend. I hope she gets a chance to read this blog... because you hit the nail on it's head... you just don't know until you have one.
And as far as the one lady mentioning awful or uncapable parents.. JMO, the chance to exist, is an incredible gift.. and even if your parents are not perfect, or much less so, DOES NOT mean the children will have an awful life.
I don't knock people that choose not to have kids... but I feel sorry that they will grow old and never know what it would be like.

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