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My version of the best bite diet

Categories: Just for moms, Pregnancy & birth

Here are some things I am not going to miss about being pregnant:

• The sensation of having the only upper quarter inch of my lungs available for the task of processing oxygen

• Having to hold my arms out for counter-balance when I lower myself to the toilet, lest I collapse abruptly onto the seat thanks to the growing inadequacy of my quad muscles

• Misjudging the amount of space my belly requires while parking and being unable to get out of my car with one single shred of dignity intact

• The esophageal corrosion caused by acidic stomach burblings

• Having every vein in my body displayed in lurid bulging blue relief

• Experiencing a miniature foot pressing painfully outward from my thin-skinned belly button area until I am absolutely, 100% convinced it is going to burst through in a horrorshow geyser of blood just like that scene in Alien

One thing I will miss, however:

• Eating pretty much whatever I want, whenever I want

I know I'll have a lot of bad eating habits to break once the baby is here and it's time to start thinking about getting back into shape again, but what can I say, if having a bowl of ice cream every night at 10 PM during my entire third trimester is wrong, I don't want to be right. I can't even tell you how relived I was to pass the glucose test with flying colors, because oh, the SUGAR cravings with this pregnancy. In fact, I liked that glucose drink-how gross is that?

I normally spend a lot of energy thinking of foods as being "bad" or "good" (like most of us do), and it's nice to just put that all aside for a while and eat whatever the hell my body wants. Even if it's fourteen Peppermint Patties followed by a handful of pretzels. With some green olives afterwards. And, um, a donut.

Oh, don't nag, it's not like I don't take a vitamin each day. (With a cookie chaser.)

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