My son, the alien

by Trish Robinson (Subscribe to Trish Robinson's posts) Jan 9th 2008 2:00PM

Does your child look like you? It's fairly common to hear someone tell a parent how their child looks like them or to point out the obvious resemblance. However, have you ever had someone ask you if your child was yours or if he was adopted?

At first glance, my son doesn't favor me much. You see, I'm the mother of a biracial child. Truthfully, it doesn't seem like a big deal, really, at least not to me. As a matter of fact, isn't it quite common these days? Then why do people still ask strange questions?

More than once, I have been in public with my son and someone with too much time on her hands will be looking us over with her brow furrowed, not quite sure what to make of us. I can predict with almost 100% accuracy when someone is going to ask me a question. They get this puzzled look on their face, they open their mouth and start to speak, stop to question themselves, and then move forward with the question. With a nervous laugh, they will ask, "What is your son?" (Seriously.) I have now learned to pause, look confused, and ask them, "What do you mean?" They will then try to figure out how to appropriately word their inappropriate question. "Well, what is he?" My response now is always, "He's a boy, you can't tell? "

Problem is, a lot of people don't get the message. They will laugh and try to clear up my confusion by rambling, asking me what race he is and where I got him from. I just smile politely, stare at them for a moment, take a deep breath, and say, "Well, I made him the old fashioned way, but he was delivered by C-section. As for his race, that's a little more complicated. I'm Caucasian, but his father was biracial. He had an African-American mother and a Caucasian father. I'm not sure what race that makes him, and confuses me more as to what race that would make my son. What do you think?"

No one really has much to say after that. They are too busy trying to back away from the crazy woman who won't stop talking. Hopefully, I have cured them of being a repeat offender for some other poor mother.

So, I know I'm not the only one who has dealt with the nosy questions. What is the strangest thing someone has asked you about your child?

Comments (29)

Reader Comments (Page 1 of 2)

Joy 1-09-2008 @ 2:16PM

"He's a boy, can't you tell?" I LOVE THAT. How rude some can be.

Anji 1-09-2008 @ 2:21PM

Wow. The only response I would consider appropriate would be "Well what are you, aside from exceptionally rude and uneducated?"

The only thing we come close with is occasionally someone will notice the scar on his head and ask what happened to him, which is actually an acceptable question as far as I'm concerned; it's a very large scar and obviously not accidental. But if they started asking rude and racist questions like the people you have the misfortune of encountering, I think a good slapping might be in order.

Stephanie 1-09-2008 @ 2:26PM

I don't have any children, but my husband and I decided over the holidays that when people ask us when we are going to, we are going to say something absolutely awful to make them feel so uncomfortable. Something like my husband's scabies just being TOOOO out of control for any sex right now. It should cure them of asking. We used it once already and had a great time with it!

Sandyone 1-09-2008 @ 2:54PM

I am always curious when I see kids, ahem, "mismatched" with parents. For some reason, these kids are just beautiful and striking to me. I usually hold my tongue, though, as my best friend is married to a Chinese guy and her kids look like Dad.

So, is it ok if I ask you, "What ethnicity is your child? He's beautiful?" That's what I usually want to ask. Or should I just keep my mouth closed?

"He's a boy....like Pinocchio!!"

Eva 1-09-2008 @ 2:41PM

Old people have asked me if I curled my one-year-old's hair to give her those ringlets. Yes, I took a hot curling iron to a wiggly baby's head, sure.

Charley Jo 1-09-2008 @ 2:51PM

I love that people feel they can ask you ANYTHING, no matter how personal! The best response I've come up with is a blank stare and "why do you care?'. My husband used to respond to the "when are you going to have a baby?" question with "When we're done having chicken." It makes absolutely no sense and made people shake their heads and walk away.

dee 1-09-2008 @ 2:53PM

My dad's side of the family has a ancestry of eastern european. Nothng out of the ordinary but Mongolian has snuck in somewhere. It hasn't shown up except in a few of us. My dad looked like Mr. Miagi from Karate Kid and I look very asian. People would ask my parents where they adopted me from. They thought it was funny. I teach and my students come right out and ask me and adults try to ask politely. Then my children were born. Although people said my daughter looks like me, No one asked but my son is a replica of my father and people of Asian descent ask me about myself and my son constantly.
I enjoy it and use it to explain our family ancestory.

Amy 1-09-2008 @ 3:16PM

My daughter (2.5) has exceptionally curly hair. People ask me all the time if it's natural. HUH? Who gives their two year old a perm, really? And when I jokingly say, "Well, it's a perm and it's really hard to get her to sit still, but we think it's worth it for the pageants..." they look at me like I'm a horrible mom. Hey, YOU'RE the idiot who asked. :)

As for the rude racist folks, if someone said, "Where did you get him?" to me, I'd have to say, "Where did YOU get your manners???" I wouldn't even dignify that sort of question with a response. Yuck.

Amy @ http://prettybabies.blogspot.com

Beth SG 1-09-2008 @ 3:30PM

I have a friend who is white (as is her husband) and they've adopted two biracial (Hispanic / African-American) children.

When people ask nosey questions, she reponds, very sincerely, "And, why do you need to know that?"

People generally realize that they don't.

mamacheryl 1-09-2008 @ 3:38PM

People have asked me a number of times if the mark on my son's face is a birthmark. Now that he's old enough to understand what they are saying, I get kind of upset at them. I will hate it if he ever feels self-conscious about it... it's just a stork bite on his forehead that hasn't faded completely because he's so fair-skinned. I never notice it anymore unless a stranger points it out.

My response is usually, "Yes. It should fade by the time he's four, and we've decided to love him anyway."

Cheryl at http://redpens-diapers.blogspot.com

Meagan 1-09-2008 @ 3:52PM

Trish, I think you're response is just perfect. My guess is that they're backing away not because you're crazy, but because now that you're giving them what they asked for they realize it's rude.

Amy, Cheryl, hilarious responses. Good for you.

Meagan 1-09-2008 @ 3:58PM

CLM 1-09-2008 @ 4:15PM

Our family was formed through adoption of twin boys with a multi-ethnic background. They are adorably big-eyed and curly-haired little 6 month olds. The funny thing is when I am out alone with them, no one ever asks me if they were adopted - I am blond-haired and blue-eyed, but the hair is super super curly and the eyes are big, so I guess people think the boys got those features from me. However, when my husband and I are out together with the boys, you would not believe the questions! "Where did you get them?" is currently #1 on my list of annoying questions. If I'm feeling cranky, I tell the person Target was having a sale, so I picked up 2 'cause you never know when you'll need an extra. That usually gets them to back off. When I'm not cranky, I just try to view all of the questions as an opportunity to educate people - for the most part people seem to be well-meaning.

caitlin 1-09-2008 @ 4:28PM

I run into that more often than not going to playground here. Between moms under 40 being a rarity here and my Peruvian heritage making me look like "the help", the first question I usually get is if I have any days open to be their nanny or "How did I learn to speak English so well?". It's frustrating, because they never believe my blond son with pale skin is mine.

My new neighbor also runs into a variant of this. His wife is Korean, and he's not, so whenever he's out alone with his son, he gets a lot of "I think it's simply wonderful you decided to adopt an unfortunate child!". No one ever believe he's the bio parent either.

With as many people who marry someone from a different race these days, I'm amazed people still feel compelled to ask "Where'd you get your child?" or "What is your child?".

v 1-09-2008 @ 4:51PM

Awww, Caitlin... that's awful. And to think we were actually considering moving from CA to TX.

I'm bi-racial (asian and caucasian) and have had a few odd questions, but most people just think I'm hispanic. My daughter is fair skinned with bright orange strawberry blonde hair, but her facial features resemble me. I don't get the "where'd you get her?" but I do get "is that her real hair color?" Much like the other commenters with "permed" toddlers, I can't imagine dying he hair for the last three years!

caitlin 1-10-2008 @ 4:44AM

When I've gone back to Texas to visit, I've never once anyone assume my son wasn't my son. But it happens pretty much every time we go to a playground in our neighborhood of the DC metro area. I think if I was over 35, I'd probably get it less, but seems like everyone here has a Hispanic 20 something nanny.

Margaret 1-09-2008 @ 5:07PM

People ask a white friend of mine with her bi-racial child if the baby is her "natural" child.

This is ridiculous, the baby is a slightly different hued version of her mother.

I told her to say, "No, she's my supernatural child!" Perhaps she could add that the father was Count Blackula if the person was really annoying!

I also think you should say something rude and presumptuous to the person asking the question such as:

"You know, with a little diet and exercise you might not be so fat." When they look at you in horror, you say something like "I'm sorry, I thought we were saying rude and inappropriate things to each other!"

Uly 1-09-2008 @ 6:30PM

My sister had this happen twice. Her kids are also biracial.

The first time, it was a nothing - the woman who went "Oh, it's easy to tell your kids are adopted!" was saying it because her own son was adopted, she was trying to make a connection, it happens.

The second time, she came home and ranted to me about it. A woman on the train, after figuring out that - duh! - their dad is black, went on about how "clearly" they take after their father.

Except they don't. Other than the coloring, they actually look a lot like *us* at their ages, not like their dad.

Oddly, I have the opposite problem. I take them places during the week, and everybody assumes I'm their mom, and when they tell me about it, they say it's because I "look just like them". I don't think I look now like they do, but I guess I must.

Brandi 1-09-2008 @ 6:45PM

Margaret..... I'm still laughing and actually was laughing out loud which made my 17 mos old look at me rather crazy..... that last line is hilarious! Love it!