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Hitting my stride as a single mom
Filed under: Divorce & Custody
Over the course of my nearly fourteen year union with my ex-husband I dabbled in single motherhood a number of times. The efforts lasted anywhere from three weeks to 18 months. It was as if after a certain amount of time the ails that plagued our relationship seemed to look less toxic than the thought of parenting our children on my own. During our separations I would simply reach a point when the thought of making a go on my own would leave me breathless and feeling as though the walls might close in on me if I were to face a future of evenings and weekends with just the children and me to fill the hours. So for one reason or another my ex and I would reunite and give it another go. Twice these efforts lead to more children that, at times, made the thought of a united family all the more enticing. Our last separation was final, and after nearly 19 months I can look at the future and not start to itch when I envision the years ahead as a single mom. In fact, I believe I am slipping into something comfortable and, quite incredibly, healthy. The afternoons when I pick up the kids from school seem to slip all too quickly into evenings of homework, baths and bedtime routines. The weekends are shared with their father and within the blink of an eye Friday has slipped into Monday and another week begins. I am not sure exactly when this transition occurred, perhaps it is a factor of maturity or just an acceptance that the past is over and a new era has begun. Whatever the case, I must admit that I really like this new place. There is confidence and security here and I can only believe my three children are soaking this in on some level and, hopefully, they will derive the peace from it that I am.
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ReaderComments (Page 1 of 1)
1-10-2008 @ 2:10PM
Joy said...Good luck Heather. This was really nice and I think your kids are lucky.
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1-10-2008 @ 4:29PM
Heather said...Thank, Joy! Moving on and finding some health is a really good thing. :)
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1-10-2008 @ 5:23PM
Melissa said...I understand where you're coming from, Heather.
I didn't go through a divorce, so I know it's not the same thing. However, when my husband left for the Middle East on a 16 month deployment, I truly thought I would die. I had a 3 month old and a 20 month old. I cried the whole way home from the airport because I was terrified of taking care of the kids by myself.
And it was so hard. I would survive the day, get them into bed, and go right to bed myself because I was mentally and physically exhausted. I would dread the morning when they would wake up, because I knew I had to deal with everything, all alone, day after day after day.
I can't pinpoint when it got easier. It's been 6 months, and, just yesterday, I realized it's not as awful as it once was. Some of it is things I've done (like establishing a good schedule, joining the YMCA for an hour of 'me' time a day) and some of it is stuff that just happened (like my younger son sleeping better, or being able to plop him in the tub with his big brother). I think a lot of it is just getting used to your new normal. I think it's about realizing what you're really capable of.
I'm glad you're settling into your new normal. Best of luck to you.
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1-10-2008 @ 11:20PM
Carrie said...That was surreal, because that so closely mirrors my life (the marriage, separations, kids, etc except I have 4 not 3) that it is uncanny. I could have written this post.
It's been about 15 months for me and it is getting so much easier. I'm enjoying the days so much.
Best to you and yours!
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1-12-2008 @ 12:34AM
Sabrina said...I'm nearing the end of my DH's deployment with just 2 kids and it was actually not as bad as I thought it would be. I'm so comfortable doing it alone that now I'm worried about him coming back. I think single mothers are some of the most strong, adaptable people on the planet. Not because they're superwomen, but because they have no choice but to figure out a solution for themselves. My mom was a single mother, and I am glad because we were better off in that situation. I am so glad that you're hitting your stride with this, and you sound very content. Keep up the good work :)
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