Overnight visitation for new fathers
Categories: Newborns, Just for moms, Just for dads, Divorce & custody, Childcare
Last week, I had to go to the courthouse to get some documents signed, so I stopped by the family courtroom to see if there were any hearings I could observe. There was a woman there establishing paternity and child support for her 6-month-old baby. She was not married and the baby's father had disappeared for the past 5 months. She was on welfare, WIC and food stamps. She did not have an attorney because she could not afford one.The father of this baby was there, represented by his attorney. He had been in Michigan for the past 6 months and had not even around for the birth of his child. He lost his job in Michigan and came back to Texas to move in with his parents. Currently, he is unemployed so he has no money to pay child support. The judge ordered that when he does get a job, he will be obligated to pay child support. In the meantime, visitation rights were established so that he could get to know his baby. The mother told the judge that she was not there to dispute his visitation rights, but she asked that visitation be established slowly, with short day visits and no overnight visitation. She thought that it would be in the best interest of her baby to spend some time with her father and grandparents before spending the entire weekend. Additionally, she was breastfeeding, so she reminded the judge that this would interrupt her established feeding schedule.
The judge refused. He told the mother that the baby could drink formula or she could send breast milk. Standard visitation was ordered and this father was awarded overnight visitation. Therefore, next weekend, a 6-month-old baby will spend from 6 p.m. Friday until 6 p.m. Sunday with people he does not know and who have never cared for him. I overheard the baby's grandmother asking her son after the hearing, "Do you think we should buy a baby bed or can he just sleep with you?"
Of course, this upset me a great deal because it reminded me of my everything I struggled through in the family courts. When people tell me that fathers have rights and I am wrong for ever implying that fathers have fewer rights towards their children, I have to disagree. I am a strong believer in men playing an active role in their child's lives. I feel strongly about this issue and in the case I described, I totally support this father getting to spend time with his infant son. However, I agree with the mother in that it needs to be done gradually. I think it would be too traumatic and a shock for this baby to pull him out of his comfort zone for an entire weekend with people who are basically strangers. Is it really so wrong to expect a father to give his child time to get to know him before subjecting this baby to 2 nights away from his mother?
What do you think? Do you think the judge should have ordered stairstep visitation for this father? Do you think this baby will have no adjustment problems to spending the weekend with his new family?
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Reader Comments (Page 1 of 2)
JKelley 1-11-2008 @ 9:35AM
Yes, this child needs time to get to know his father before being thrown into a totally new environment with a new schedule and a BOTTLE!! I'm in a similar situation. My new son is nearing 8 weeks old and his father is in the military (gone at least until Christmas 2008.) Our problem was that I was just given supervised visitation (which she may wish to have implemented for him) with my eleven year old daughter. My son and I will have to stay either with my daughter/her father/and his parents or in a hotel room, for each visit starting 2/1/08. I also breastfeed my child. I know exactly how that woman feels being told she MUST put the child on formula or send breastmilk. I believe that judge is acting illegally telling her how to feed her child. What if that child has never had a bottle to his lips?! and i do mean NEVER! What if that father decides formula is better even if mom is able to get enough milk pumped for the weekend!? OOOOOH! This makes me hot under the collar. I send my regards to that mother. May the Creator guide her and keep her and her son.
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ame s 1-11-2008 @ 9:47AM
That poor baby!
One of my daughter's didn't like strangers looking at her when she was 6 months old, let alone touch her. Plus, she would NOT take a bottle at 6 months.
I think that judge was wrong and must be a man.
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Erika 1-11-2008 @ 10:05AM
How awful. The more I learn about family courts the more disgusted I am. That poor, poor mother. Her other option was to continue to struggle, without assistance from the father. Instead she has to give up her baby for a weekend. What a mess. That would drive me to do something crazy.
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Ethel 1-11-2008 @ 10:59AM
Lord, your story is making me cry. Mom's are the most important person in a baby's world, not any one else (sorry dad's, but that's the truth, you're not so critical until they're older). Recently I read an article that Desmond Morris (author of "the Naked Ape") believes the world would be better if women ran it. This story is a good argument for that, as the judge is, well, not serving the best interest of that infant, and in my eyes shouldn't be doing family court. The only way this would be okay is if the mom was abusive and/or drug addicted....
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Judy 1-11-2008 @ 11:56AM
I agree that this is wrong. No child should suddenly be forced to spend time with someone he doesn't know, especially one who is only breastfeeding.
I want to know if the judge is going to pay for the formula and/or breast pump for this woman and baby?
That said, I do wish there was more attention paid to how many men are getting screwed by the family courts system, too, and how much of the choices in life (the child's life, and the adults' lives) are left essentially in the hands of the woman in these cases. I've seen both sides, and just wish the system was more fair and just to both sides, and really took the best interests of the children to heart.
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Jennifer 1-11-2008 @ 12:01PM
This is just DISGUSTING! I am all for fathers having visitation rights, if they have proven themselves to be capable, and if it is handles correctly. An infant who has never been bottlefed should not have to just because an idiot judge decided that a deadbeat dad should be able to have overnight visits. This doesn't mean that a mother should be allowed to breastfeed exclusively for years in order to delay visitation (I know someone who tried this tactic.) I also don't think that the child should be released into the hands of a virtual stranger who is obviously ill-prepared to take care of such a young child. I am all for co-sleeping but the comment "Do you think we should buy a baby bed or can he just sleep with you?" makes my skin crawl!!!
I think that every child in every court case deserves to have impartial representaion by someone who has ONLY their best interests at heart and that this persons advice weighs heavily in the court's decision. My thoughts and prayers are with this poor woman.
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aprilw 1-11-2008 @ 12:01PM
That is just so WRONG.
I don't think I would have been able to keep quiet if I had witnessed that. I probably would have been arrested for contempt of court for interrupting or something.
Get some activists of some sort on that judges ass.
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alison 1-11-2008 @ 1:02PM
This is terribly disturbing. At the least this father should be required to complete some parenting classes and prove that he is competent to safely parent a child for that length of time. His absence for the first 6 months of the child's life cast some serious doubt on his responsibility and interest in parenting. This judge shows a shocking lack of interest in the comfort and safely of this child. Short visits would be understandable, but this confounds me. This poor mother must be beside herself.
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jen 1-11-2008 @ 3:09PM
I am so disturbed by this on so many levels. As a mother of a 6 month old baby girl (and a 2 year old boy), the thought of handing over my (breastfed) baby to ANYONE for the weekend is hard enough, let alone someone the child has never had a relationship with. It is ultimately detrimental to the child's psychological welfare, and the mother's feeding capacity. How the heck is the child going to understand that her mother has not abandoned her. How is she going to *suddenly* drink from a bottle? (my daughter took a month to get used to one and still rejects it if she can smell my milk). And then to ask a mother not to feed for a whole weekend - well 'goodbye' milk supply. Pumping can never replace feeding and that poor lady will have to pump every couple hours just to keep her supply at an adequate level for the child to return to.
Can you call the LLL on this Judge's ass as I am sure that the ruling re the feeding is unlawful? As well as a proper child psychologist to assess the impact on the child regarding this sudden overnight visitation. I couldn't possibly sit by and watch this happen to a mother, and I doubt that in your heart of hearts, that you could either. My husband is looking at me incredulously and was extremely upset when I told him the story. I do hope that something gets done about this.
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jen 1-11-2008 @ 3:10PM
I am so disturbed by this on so many levels. As a mother of a 6 month old baby girl (and a 2 year old boy), the thought of handing over my (breastfed) baby to ANYONE for the weekend is hard enough, let alone someone the child has never had a relationship with. It is ultimately detrimental to the child's psychological welfare, and the mother's feeding capacity. How the heck is the child going to understand that her mother has not abandoned her. How is she going to *suddenly* drink from a bottle? (my daughter took a month to get used to one and still rejects it if she can smell my milk). And then to ask a mother not to feed for a whole weekend - well 'goodbye' milk supply. Pumping can never replace feeding and that poor lady will have to pump every couple hours just to keep her supply at an adequate level for the child to return to.
Can you call the LLL on this Judge's ass as I am sure that the ruling re the feeding is unlawful? As well as a proper child psychologist to assess the impact on the child regarding this sudden overnight visitation. I couldn't possibly sit by and watch this happen to a mother, and I doubt that in your heart of hearts, that you could either. My husband is looking at me incredulously and was extremely upset when I told him the story. I do hope that something gets done about this.
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jen 1-11-2008 @ 3:19PM
ps
my husband just reminded me about when my son was 5 months old. I had to go into hospital suddenly for 2 days due to appendicitis. My son was exclusively breastfed up to that point. My husband looked after him, so was a known caregiver who knew my son intimately (and vice versa).
It took 8 hours for my son to eat anything from a bottle (luckily I was well enough to express). He screamed for 12 hours. He wouldn't leave me when my husband visited me the next day, and had to be prised off screaming. He was unsettled for my entire stay in hospital. It took 2 weeks to regain my milk supply (despite pumping every 2 hours during my stay). My son screamed when leaving me for 2 months.
Maybe that might persuade you - please - to at least looking at doing something about this? I feel so helpless over here.
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trish 1-11-2008 @ 3:20PM
This is the same judge I had for my custody trial. I live in a small county and I can assure you, there is nothing that can be done about him. I have tried. It breaks my heart to see these cases in his court, but I keep going and watching because I'm hoping one day he will be voted out of office.
In this particular mother's case, she would have to hire an attorney and file a motion for new trial or appeal to get this order overturned and I doubt that could be done before the visitation date, even if she could afford a lawyer to do so.
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Jennifer 1-11-2008 @ 5:52PM
It seems at the VERY least the judge would at least ascertain the father had the means to care for the infant? Shouldn't he ask if there's a bed available? Carseat? Means to the feed the child? Who will supply the bottles? Do they have pets? How many other people live in the house?
If you wanted to be a foster parent you'd have to answer those questions.
That is a long first visit. I hate to even THINK this...but this sounds like a recipe for a shaken baby case. An infant scared to death and hungry won't stop crying. Inexperienced father at wits end....
I sure hope not...geez...what a judge...
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Kellie 1-11-2008 @ 5:56PM
I can't believe that this is even an issue! This father completely abandoned this child's mother before it was born and has not been there for child since birth. Now suddenly he has a change of heart and this poor baby is going to pay the price???!!! How horrible! That judge should take a parenting class! Anything, ANYONE has ever read, or been told by a pediatrician always says if you must change something of your routine in the baby's life to do it slowly. This poor child is going to do nothing but cry and be miserable the entire time he is away from his mother (the only parent he has known from birth). This mother obviously cares for the child enough to breast feed and the judge just throws that out the window. That alone tells me that this judge is not a parent, and if he/she is then they must be a horrible one! You can't just start formula or giving bottles of milk, not every woman has the milk stores to do so. And not every baby who is breastfed will take a bottle. Two of my three never would. I would suggest to this mother that she fights it and get a lawyer. Had she had a lawyer, this probably wouldn't have happened. I feel for this mother and child, they will be in my thoughts.
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aprilw 1-11-2008 @ 8:36PM
I'm serious, call some activists (lactivists! La Leche League etc.). If you tell them about this they might protest or even provide this woman with a lawyer.
I would if I knew any details at all about this case.
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aprilw 1-11-2008 @ 8:36PM
My last post isn't showing (so I apologise if it shows with this one later), but I said that I really do think that you should contact the LLL (La Leche League) and any other activist group anyone can think of.
I just think, sure maybe nothing will come of it, but maybe they will help her. Maybe they will set up protests outside this judges office. Maybe they will help her with a lawyer. Maybe they can do something about this judge in the future.
Tell them exactly what you told us, I've seen them make a huge deal over things relatively small compared to this.
Please, I can't stand the thought of this happening to this poor child and mother.
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nancy 1-12-2008 @ 2:12AM
where is this court case? what city and state? i just want to make sure i never move there with my children.... gosh, what an ass that judge is, i cant even believe it... definately should call la leche league. i doubt this would happen in a bigger city with courts who arent run by one ego tripping judge who obviously has been "wronged" by a woman at some point in his life.. too bad the baby has to pay the price for his power trip and ignorance...
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kittenpie 1-12-2008 @ 10:38AM
Oh geez. And some babies who have been breastfeeding that long won't even take a bottle so what then? Let him starve for the day?
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bremarie 1-12-2008 @ 3:13PM
This brought tears to my eyes. I feel nauseated to think of what that baby and her mother will go through this weekend.
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Sam 1-12-2008 @ 8:27PM
How horrible for the mother (and baby). Six months is the worst time for this as the baby should have stranger anxiety. I hope the father can handle the baby without taking his frustrations out on the baby.
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