Jamie Krug: What If It's Getting Better?
Daniel Donahoo: The Evolution of Parent-School Engagement
When children can't tell
Filed under: Just For Moms, Work Life, Gay Parenting, Sex
Suppose you were gay. And, suppose you wanted to serve your country by enlisting in the military to protect it. Currently, you'd have to not mention the former in order to do the latter. It's idiotic, I know, ("You know, I used to feel that way too until I found out that Alexander the Great was a fag. Talk about gays in the military!") but that's the way it is. A lot of good, patriotic men and women have made that sacrifice, hiding a part of themselves so that they can be allowed to serve the country they love. Such choices, however, rarely affect just the person making the choice. There is the whole matter of a partner who may accept the same sacrifice. And then there are the kids. In any situation, one must always consider the effect on the kids. I'm sure it must be a very difficult decision to join the military, knowing that there will always be the possibility of leaving any current or future children orphaned. Perhaps, this makes the decision to serve all that much more noble. For the children of gay and lesbian parents, however, there is more to it.
Dana over at Mombian has written an essay detailing an aspect of service that, I have to admit, I never even considered. Cheryl Parker (not her real name) is a decorated officer in the U.S. Army who has served her country in Iraq. A few years back, Rachel, Jared, and I visited a friend in the Seattle area. After twenty years in the Navy, he was retiring. We were able enjoy a playground on the base and even borrow some rowboats to take out on the lake. Cheryl Parker's two kids, however, are unable to take advantage of such perks because they might tell another kid about their mom -- their other mom.
Cheryl Parker is in a long-term, committed relationship with another woman. Because of that, she could be discharged because of the military's policy of discrimination. Never mind that she is a decorated officer. Forget about the fact that she risked her life to serve her country in war-torn Iraq. Toss out all that training and experience. Who she falls in love with is obviously far more important than any of that.
The big losers, however, are the couple's two kids. Parker can't let them play with other military kids or attend social events on base. "They had this humongous playground on one base that William absolutely loved," says Parker's partner, Donna Lewis. "But if there were a lot of kids around, we couldn't go, because he might say 'That's my mom, my other mom's at home.' That's what kids do. They introduce themselves. If he was going to play by himself, which really sounds sad, then it was okay for him to go to the playground."
She goes on to note that her son is "dying to play soccer, and they have on-base teams for younger kids. We have to find a team off base, away from the area. William can't go to the swimming pool, he can't go to movie day, the things other kids are allowed to do."
During the holidays, they miss out on a lot too. "We had a Thanksgiving function," Parker explained, "where all the other officers brought their spouses and children. The children were running amok in this big banquet area. I can't bring my kids to these wonderful things because I'm afraid of what they could say. It would cost me my job."
Read the whole article; it made me sad, but mostly it made me extremely angry. Here is a person trying to do a lot of good in her job and she stands to lose everything because of discrimination towards something completely irrelevant. Why should anyone have to hide their family? Why should anyone have to be afraid because of who they are? Why should these kids have to suffer because of outdated bigotry?
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ReaderComments (Page 1 of 2)
1-13-2008 @ 11:18AM
ninainindia said...I don't understand how this can still be law in a country that is supposed to be for equal oppurtunities. How come they can't exclude people on race, age etc but they can on sexual orientation?
I would think if these people went to court they would have a sloid case, they are being discriminated against.
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1-13-2008 @ 11:40AM
Havilah said...I certainly have no problem with anyone's sexual orientation, that is their own business and I respect that. People need to understand though that the military has a specific and very focused purpose. There is a reason why men and women in the military are not housed together. I could list many reasons, and everyone would probably agree, so a gay soldier should be no different. As a woman, I certainly would not like to shower with men! Same principle in my eyes.
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1-13-2008 @ 12:24PM
W. H. Heydt said...Before you defend the US military's policies on gays, read up on the military history of racial segregation. That only ended when Eisenhower put his foot down and *ordered* desgregation over strenuous objections.
Other countries have no problems with openly gay people serving in their militaries. The powers that be in the US need to get over their religious hangups and end this farce.
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1-13-2008 @ 1:23PM
Havilah said...I respect your opinion, but I was defending the gender based policies, and not the skin color policies. Two totally different issues.
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1-14-2008 @ 3:47PM
roger.sinasohn said...It used to be that it was okay to discriminate if you were black. We fixed that. Now it's okay to discriminate if you're gay. How is that any different?
1-13-2008 @ 3:17PM
jen said...I have as much an issue with the parents as the policies. How can these women think it is in any way fair for their children keeping them segregated like this? I can understand the need for discretion (and for this reason the laws suck), but the message they are sending their children is that what they have chosen is bad and wrong, which it isn't. Surely if their children are old enough to play soccer in a team, they are old enough to understand the need for discretion, and not need to lose out on life's experiences as a result of their mom's lifestyle choice?
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1-13-2008 @ 10:01PM
Caelligh said...No and no.
All it would take would be one lapse of judgment. I personally would not trust a child younger than 15 or so with that sort of burden.
Secondly, being a lesbian is not a "lifestyle choice," unless you really consider the alternative of suppressing one's sexuality and either remaining single forever or marrying someone you're not attracted to a "choice."
1-13-2008 @ 4:22PM
Tree said...The mom doesn't have to be in the military. She knew what it would mean for her children. Sorry, but sacrifices do have to be made when you are responsible for the care and upbringing of a child. I do not understand why she is doing this. Her family should come first. She knew the policy, this was her choice.
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1-14-2008 @ 4:10PM
roger.sinasohn said...Why should she have to give up her dream of serving her country because of something completely irrelevant? You can't say she can't do it; obviously she can, or she wouldn't be a decorated officer. You can't say her presence would cause problems, because it hasn't.
Further, should she teach her children that they should give up on their dreams and not fight injustice? Or should she set an example of doing what she wants in spite of what small-minded bigots might think?
Lastly, If she left the service, her children would still be denied access to the facilities and services provided for military families. So where would be the benefit in that?
1-13-2008 @ 4:24PM
Ann Adams said...W. C.
I agree with you of course but I believe it was Truman, not Eisenhower.
http://www.trumanlibrary.org/whistlestop/study_collections/desegregation/large/
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1-13-2008 @ 4:29PM
Tree said...After reading my comment again, I realized that I should have emphasized that I do have great respect for people that serve our country, and their families surely make great sacrifices for it, which I find amazing. In this case, she is making additional sacrifices that I don't think are worth it. It just seems to me that changes to the policies will be slow to come.
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1-13-2008 @ 8:09PM
SKL said...Well, first of all, homosexuals need to think of these things before they decide to have kids. THEY have made decisions that they knew would affect their kids. Leave it to a liberal to transfer to the government responsibility for a personal choice.
This problem would have been easy to avoid. Why would they teach their kids to talk about their mom and their "other mom"? Why not refer to one as "auntie"? It wouldn't affect the child's relationship with "auntie." And there is absolutely nothing strange about two women living together where one is the parent of children. (Sounds like my house, and we are not homosexual.) It would make more sense to give the "other mom" a name that would not raise eyebrows, and then let the kids go have fun anywhere they want. Unless of course the two "moms" do x-rated stuff in front of the kids, which is another issue altogether.
Think a little, folks. Why do so many people make innocent children bear the burdens for decisions adults have made? Roger himself does this, so it doesn't surprise me that he would also support others who do.
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1-14-2008 @ 1:12AM
Meagan said..."Roger himself does this, so it doesn't surprise me that he would also support others who do."
Are you still talking about that fish thing? Or are you talking about something else? This is kind of a vague and hurtful thing to say about someone.
I think the people in question are making the best choices they can for their family. They're doing their best NOT to make their child bear the burden of that responsibility, by taking away the possibility of the kid slipping. It's rough that he's being isolated from other base kids, but since he's got gay parents I'm not sure how people think they could get around that. It seems to me that being taught to call one of your PARENTS "auntie" would be more confusing to a small child then having to go somewhere else to play soccer.
1-14-2008 @ 5:16PM
roger.sinasohn said...Well, homosexuality is NOT a personal choice, any more than heterosexuality is. I have plenty of male friends that I hug and kiss regularly, but I'm afraid none of them (or any guy) interests me sexually or as a life partner, and they wouldn't, even if I wanted them to.
As for blaming the government, I guess it was also my grandparents' fault they ended up in Auschwitz; they shouldn't have been Jewish. If Rosa Parks wanted to sit in the front of the bus, she shouldn't have been black. It wasn't the bus system's fault that she was supposed to sit in the back.
Of course, they could have told their kids not to call their mom "mom." I'm going to teach my kids to call their mom "pizza" and me "lord high executioner." Sure, they could have, but why should they have to? Oh, right, they happened to be Jewish, er, Black, er, I mean gay. When are these minorities going to learn to just shut up and take it? Why can't they stay beaten down?
Why do so many people expect others to sit back and take it? Why can't these women simply teach these kids to go along with whatever The Man says?
As a parent, one must strike a balance between accepting the status quo and fighting for what's right. These women have done so, choosing, I think, an acceptable level of risk while still teaching their children to be honest. They don't teach their kids that there is anything wrong with their family but they do avoid situations where it could cause a problem. That doesn't make it all okay, however. They are right to be upset about the way they are treated. I'm upset about the way they're treated.
1-13-2008 @ 9:43PM
Joy said...I wish I knew or could think of a good way to say what I’m thinking about this. There is no easy way I guess. I am not in any way homophobic. I have a wonderful uncle that is gay and my best girlfriend is gay and between the both of them, I know and love a lot of gay people, so in no way do I think there is anything wrong or shameful about it. I also have a nephew in the Navy and give all my prayers and thanks to those serving in the Military for us.
BUT….when you consider having children, gay or straight, don’t you think you should think of their future? Of the life you can give them? This woman said “I’ve known I was gay since I was probably five years old. I’ve known I wanted to be in the military since I was ten, when I saw the marching band go by. This is something that’s been in my blood. It’s easy for people when things get tough just to quit and move on to something else, but I refuse to let them take away my dream. I’ll go out kicking and screaming. It should be your right to defend your country, with no strings attached.”
I’m sorry but there were strings attached that she knew about. She knowingly had children and she knew she was going to have to live in hiding. Take away "her" dream?" What about her childrens future or the life they have right now? Not even being able to play in a park.
This is such a shame. I do feel bad for these two women but I feel worse for these two little boys for the decision that they made because the boys don’t have a choice like they did. Changes in the military may come and I hope they do but you don't bring children into a world like this and "hope" things change.
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1-14-2008 @ 5:27PM
roger.sinasohn said...If she left the service, her kids would still not be able to play in the playgrounds on military bases or go to social events for military family, so by doing so, the kids would gain nothing but they family would lose their source of income and Parker would lose her career. How is that a win? The better option would be for the military to stop discriminating.
The way it is, Parker is doing her job (which has, and may well again, involved risking her life) but is unable to have access to the same benefits others receive for doing that job. What if they said that gays could join the military, but they just wouldn't get paid? That isn't that much different. Same situation, different benefits being denied.
1-14-2008 @ 7:57PM
Joy said...Yes Roger, I do agree with you that this needs to change but I don’t know how to change it. It is discrimination. I agree with you on that also. It was this couples choice to have children in order for her to “follow her dream.” If, like Lori commented, Parker is going to be a “trailblazer,” then she needs to stand up and tell everyone what she’s doing. Get safety in numbers. She’s certainly not alone. I’m sure you can bet there’s a lot of others doing this as well. Someone has to start this ball rolling if there is ever going to be a change. I'm not in the military, I have no idea what to do. It doesn't do any good to whine and moan about it. Start something. Will she lose her job? I don’t know. I didn’t make this decision, she did and she knew it when she had children that she’d have to live this way and so would they. Please don’t be mad at me. I wish I knew what to do to change this but I have no idea.
I also know it’s pointless to close the barn door after the horse has gotten out. The kids are already here so she is going to have to do what she thinks fit. This won’t change fast either. I’m sure it’s like changing anything else, it takes way to long. Maybe she should have tried changing it before she had children. She has no right to complain now about how unfair this life is for her or her partner and her children because she knew what was going to happen. Well, she has the right but it's not doing any good to write an article under an assumed name. This was her choice. I am wishing this family well and I wish there was an answer because this just is NOT fair in any way. Remember, I'm on your side.
1-15-2008 @ 2:57AM
roger.sinasohn said...I'm not mad at you at all... Perhaps Parker's way of "starting something" is to be interviewed for this article so that more people can see the bigger picture of how this policy hurts more than just the service people directly affected. Perhaps that's as far as she's willing to go so as not to hurt her family. I certainly can't fault her for that. But given what she's done, perhaps someone else will read the article and go one step further, building on what she's done. One can hope.
1-15-2008 @ 10:51AM
Joy said...Yes, one can only hope. You make a house one brick at a time. Now we only need more bricks.
1-13-2008 @ 11:04PM
Lori said...I think the military's policy on gays needs to be changed. It's hard to believe this kind of bigotry still exists.
That being said, many of us Moms have made career sacrifices since we've had kids. I know I have. I made these changes because they were important for my kids and I don't regret them. However, while part of me wants to agree with Joy and lambast Parker for her decision, the other part of me knows that we need people like Parker. Trailblazers, people willing to buck the system, are how change happens. Stories like Parker's help get the message out that we need change -- and that's a good thing.
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