A late night spousal conversation

Filed under: Just For Dads, Your Pregnancy

My husband JB: "What . . . what is that?"

Me: "What is what?"

JB: "That THING under the sheets!"

Me: "Oh, that. Well, it's, um . . . a bar of soap."

JB: "A bar of soap."

Me: (with great dignity) "Yes. A bar of soap."

JB: "Can you maybe tell me why there's a bar of soap in our bed?"

Me: "If you must know, I've read that a bar of soap placed under the bottom sheet while you sleep can help with pregnancy-triggered Restless Leg Syndrome."

JB: ". . ."

Me: "I know, it sounds stupid, but I figured it fell into the 'can't hurt, might help' category."

JB: "Right. Except I can't help noticing that your legs have been drumming a hole into the mattress since we got into bed tonight, so, you know, it doesn't really seem to be working all that well."

Me: "I know. This sucks, I totally can't sleep tonight."

JB: "Maybe you're having a hard time sleeping because there's an enormous bar of soap in the bed. It feels like a BRICK. Also, something smells weird."

Me: "Well, the only bar of soap I could find in the house was this huge handmade thing. I think it's crafted from hippie fat."

JB: "What flavor is it?"

Me: "Eucalyptus mint."

JB: "That's it, I'm sleeping on the couch. I'm a guy, I can't sleep with some bar of minty b*llshit in my bed."

Me: "It's almost as though you've never created a bed odor of your very own, and not nearly as nice as eucalyptus mint, might I add."

JB: (groaning) "I'm tired of you being pregnant."

Me: "Should have thought of that NINE MONTHS AGO, Sperminator."

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Start by teaching him that it is safe to do so.