Single mother stereotypes

by Trish Robinson (Subscribe to Trish Robinson's posts) Jan 22nd 2008 9:00AM

Categories: Just For Moms, Pregnancy & Birth

Even today, being a single mother has a lot of stigma attached to it, especially if you are unmarried when your child is born. When I found out that I was pregnant with my son, I had a great job, excellent insurance, lived in a great area, but had a crummy boyfriend. Sometimes I wonder if my situation would have been more acceptable if I had married the crummy boyfriend and quit the great job.

I had a very stressful pregnancy. I had preeclampsia and had an emergency C-section. After my son was born, I developed pneumonia. I was alone at the hospital because I thought my son's father was coming so I didn't call my parents because I was trying to avoid a confrontation. However, he did not show up. He was "working," which ended up being that he had gone camping with his other girlfriend and did not want her to find out about me.

Since no one was there for me at the hospital, my doctor sent social services in to see me. I remember being half asleep in my hospital bed, trying to ignore the pain from the staples in my stomach and the breathing tube in my mouth, and looking up to see a strange woman attempting to talk to me. She told me that she wanted to discuss my options and had some adoption pamphlets for me. I asked her why she was there, because my doctor was well aware of my intentions of keeping my son. She took my hand and told me that it's very difficult to raise a child alone, and there is no shame in choosing a better life for your child.

I won't go into all the details that occurred after that, but she was definitely convinced of my lack of need for her services. I am sure she had good intentions and was only doing her job, but I wish she had not made so many assumptions.

One of the questions that will get you a No. 1 spot at the top of my "you know what" list is to ask me if I ever look back and wish I would have had an abortion, knowing I would have to raise a child alone. As shocking as that question is to me, it has been asked of me in various forms by 17 different people (yes, I have kept count because it is so appalling and outrageous to ask a mother such a question).

Are you a single mother? Do you face some of these prejudices? How do you deal with some of the bizarre stereotypes and assumptions people make about you? Have we evolved yet as a society to truly accept women as being capable of raising a child alone without feeling like she did something wrong?

Comments (10)

Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)

KimKim 2-19-2008 @ 9:52PM

Wow, I'm a single mother of a beautful 1 year old. If someone ever asked me if I would have considered abortion instead of having him, they would have recieved a swift punch in the nose. I never realized that there was even stereotyping that went on towards single mothers. If I wasn't a single mother, my son and I would be in an abusive home with an awful man. We would be subject to physical and emotional abuse on a daily basis, if i hadn't left him before I found out I was pregnant. Who knows what kind of state me and my little boy would be in if I would have continued to live with his father.

Although I strongly dispised his father at the time, that didn't give me reason to abort my child. Just because the man who helped create him was a good for nothing, did not give me the right to take it out on my unborn child. He's an innocent. I was 23 years old at the time, and yes not prepared for a child, but I made it a promise that I would raise him in a safe and healthy enviroment, and that I would never bring people into our lives that could jeopardize our family.

Now that it is just me and my son, without the man in our lives, life couldn't be any better. He gets all the love and attention he needs. Yes, I may be a single mother living with my mother, but I'm a college student making a better life for me and my son. In my eyes, having a man in my life would just come in the way of my little family and of my goals to better our lives.

SKL 1-22-2008 @ 9:28AM

I'm a single mother by adoption, and none of the stereotypes apply to me. Nevertheless, there are plenty of people who consider me foolish because, in their opinion, I won't be able to manage my life and raise a child well without being married. (Most of these people are married men, I should note.) Unfortunately, it's in the workplace that this attitude comes across most strongly.

SAM 1-22-2008 @ 10:24AM

I was a single mom for three years. I never got the "Do you wish..." questions. I always got told I would never find a decent guy who would want raise someone else's child. Well, I found a great guy, got married, and had two more wonderful kids.
I know life would have been easier, but I have never wished a hadn't had my beautiful daughter. Keep your chin up, and just that child all the more. :)

ninainindia 1-22-2008 @ 10:25AM

I'm so sorry you had to go through that. First the father not showing up and than someone assuming you'd want to give up your son.

Even though we have come a long way in emancipation, prejudice against single mothers is still very much alive. Especially men seem to think a woman can't raise a child on her own.

Jenna 1-22-2008 @ 10:43AM

I am a birth mother that got caught up by an unethical adoption agency and I cannot tell you how angry it makes me to read this post of yours. I cannot believe social services approached you like that.

THIS is what is wrong with today's system. Oh, so angry. Off to write about it and link back.

Suz 1-22-2008 @ 11:23AM

I have a VERY good friend that this happened to as well. She was not only single with her Masters Degree and a good job, and a place to live BUT she was a first mother who lost her child to adoption over 11 years ago.

Imagine how triggering it was for her to have social services walk in and and suggest that she might not be able to care for her son?

OMG. I was ready to go up to her hospital and kick some serious medical ass. She was so fragile and they were on the verge of re traumatizing her with threats of taking away her son even though her situation was DRASTICALLY different from what it had once been.

Did anyone offer support? Assistance? Resources? Call me? NO, they immediately assumed she had to have her child taken from her and that adoption was best for the child.

GRRRR.

(He, btw, is 7 months old now and fat and happy and living with his mama!)

Heather @ Desperately Seeking Sanity 1-22-2008 @ 11:25AM

I'm here via Jenna's blog... I am a single mother... and was with the birth father when his MOTHER called several adoption agencies and told them that I was interested in placing my child for adoption.. he was 6 months old at the time and while I told the people that I was not interested, they called several times over the next few months.

Frustrating!

It's like an ambulance chaser for babies....

But I am a single mom now and it's a struggle, but I can't imagine not having either of my children

SKL 1-22-2008 @ 11:55AM

I have to agree that any statement suggesting abortion to a mother is about the most evil thing that could ever be said. My grandmother (mom's mom) asked my mom (pregnant with #6, carting #5 to the hospital where #1 was recuperating from a broken leg) "haven't you ever heard of abortion?" About 20 years later, at her mom's funeral, that statement was at the front of my mom's mind. I just couldn't imagine. I hope any readers here who think they are doing someone a favor by saying that will really think twice.

Heather 1-22-2008 @ 1:19PM

Yes it happened to me too. In the hospital, when dd was born. Then when we at the mall someone actually came up to me and asked me if I wanted to give her up , she was about 18 months at the time. That freaked me out more then the social services.

Jennifer 1-22-2008 @ 2:03PM

My sister is set to become a single mom in just a few months. I am quite sure that assault charges would be filed (against her) should someone come into her hospital room and ask her if she wants to place her daughter up for adoption. It is sad that this attitude still lurks around in this day and age.

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