Forcing kids to apologize

I think forced apologies are a good thing... because it's more about functioning as a part of society than it does about telling the truth.

The words: "I'm sorry" don't necessarily mean just the sum of the definitions of the words. It's a part of polite life. It has less to do with actually being sorry for the action and EVERYTHING to do with admitting when you are wrong. By apologizing a child learns to take responsibility for his or her actions even if they are not really sorry for having done them. It not only teaches accountability, but that accepting responsibility is a way to start setting things right. It's certainly not the only part necessary in taking responsibility, but for a small child it's a needed first step. And Emily's friend is right, the best way to teach this is to model the correct behavior yourself, taking responsibility for YOUR own acts.

The determining factor in forcing a kid to apologize shouldn't be whether the child is sorry, but whether the child understands that he or she has done something wrong.

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We have to model acceptable behavior. Do you "make" your [verbal] child say thank you, whether it's from his heart or not? How is "sorry" any different?

A heart-felt apology is the result of a lot of teaching by the parent, beginning before the child can talk. I frequently tell my daughters to be mindful of their potential to accidently hurt their sister, in language they are just learning to understand. When an accident happens, I always point out the hurt to the child who made the mistake and tell her to say "sorry" and since she can't say it, become her voice I say it for her. Maybe she doesn't actually care if she stepped on her sister's hair, but I need to teach her that she should care. When she can say sorry, I will make her say it at appropriate times. I also say "sorry" to my kids when I accidentally bump them or knock over their toys or whatever (and take corrective action where possible), so they understand the sentiment behind it.

At the same time, to develop the healthy "from the heart" sentiment, it's important to listen to the offending child's point of view if he really doesn't feel he's in the wrong. In this way we can teach our children how to separate "I felt upset" from "I hurt another person," and talk about productive ways for them to address the situation that led up to the offense.

In the larger world, we can't wait until our kids have well-developed empathy to expect them to act apologetic. It's not just about my spoiled, selfish kids. If they hurt someone else and don't apologize, this compounds the hurt on the other person. It also makes my kids a less desireable playmate / student / whatever. To the extent they don't understand this yet, and it's my job to step in. If some other parent's kid hurt mine and the child didn't think to apologize, I would absolutely expect the parent to step in and force the matter, thus acknowledging that my kid has the right not to be hurt by her kid. Otherwise the message I get is that the parent doesn't care about my feelings or my kids' rights. Such a parent/child is likely to be isolated fairly quickly.

I was forced to apologize as a child, and I assure you that it did not prevent me from growing up with the ability to apologize from the heart.

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I know for a fact that kids HATE saying they're sorry. I'm not sure exactly why, but my guess is that it embarasses them to do so. Probably because they realize they've done wrong and are ashamed to admit it in front of someone else. If so, then they're definitely learning a lesson by being forced to apologize. And certainly we have to teach our child accountability and manners, right?

I think the husband who disagrees with this is overthinking the issue. While my intentions are good, I too find myself overthinking things . In those cases, I often end up with bad results. That's usually a good indication that I've strayed too far from common sense.

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I'm also on the side of the forced apology. My kids are 4 and 7, and I have different theories for each of them but they're both rooted in what Meagan said - it's not about feeling sorry as much as its about getting along in society.

For the four-year-old it's along the lines of making her say please and thank you. Making her say "I'm sorry" is part of teaching her that when you do something wrong, there are certain steps you need to take to fix it (similarly, I think it's important to make them accept an apology in those situations, whether or not it seems heartfelt.)

With the 7-year-old we've been working on saying a "real" I'm sorry, regardless of whether you feel it. Is this lying? Yes. But there are times in life when you have to say "I'm sorry" even if you're not, just like you have to say "Thank you" for a gift you didn't like and sound like you mean it.

I think we've all run into adults who haven't learned this lesson, and frankly, they're not that pleasant to be around.

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I believe there is an age of accountability. When my child was under two I would model for her an apology. If she bumped into someone, I would apologize on her behalf. As she got older and we were involved in playgroups we talked about being polite and apologizing, and I continued to role model for her. When she was 3 I felt she understood the social concept and would remind her to apologize, which she did with out any problem. Now as a four year old she is great with apologizing and with many other social manners.

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I agree with the previous posters, especially littleprincess about the "age of accountability." We have to teach our children what is the appropriate thing to do when we do something to hurt someone's feelings, but we also have to teach them to recognize that that is what has happened.

My daughter is 2. She says "sorry" spontaneously, if she bumps into you, drops something, whatever -- "Sorry, Mama" seems to have replaced "uh oh" in her vocabulary. Recognizing that she needs to apologize when she knocks somebody down while they are playing, or that she's done something wrong when she grabs a toy away from another child, is something a little different.
At 2 years old, a child is really just reaching the beginnings of empathy, and to truly feel remorse and provide a heartfelt apology, empathetic feeling is a necessity. But all that means is that I must teach her what is appropriate (best done by modeling the behavior myself!).
Of course whenever possible we all try to get them to figure it out on their own : "Do you like it when someone pushes you? Do you like it when Johnny takes your toys? Remember that, and don't do it to him!"

In the article, though, the author is very specific about the kinds of "forced apologies" she's talking about. She mentions the one where she's trying to get her kids to apologize because she's embarrassed about what people will think of HER. In that case, well, perhaps she should apologize for her children's behavior, rather than forcing the child to!
Also the article mostly discusses children older than the toddler years. Children old enough to know they've done something that warrants an apology, yet choose not to give one, should be approached differently than kids who can barely understand that other people have feelings too!

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SKL, you have said it perfectly!

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I see a huge language problem in our society to explain the difference between "I'm sorry because I hit you" and "I'm sorry that you fell down". One is "I apologize" and one is "I empathize". Our children are made to feel like they are guilty and must apologize when they don't believe they caused the problem or "did anything wrong". They're right. Maybe they wouldn't protest so much if we stopped making them use the word "sorry" when they haven't broken a rule. Maybe we should try to use the words "I apologize" and "I'm sorry that that happened to you" instead.

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Yes, kids should always be made to apologize. I teach Interpersonal Communication and the principle is called surface acting. You do what you're "supposed" to do until you actually feel like doing it, at which point it becomes deep acting. OF COURSE they don't want to apologize and they don't understand what they're doing. That's not the point. The point is that you're laying down the groundwork for later in life, so that when they say they're sorry they really will mean it. If kids aren't old enough to say they're sorry, they should be instructed (and shown how) to express regret - by lightly touching the person they just hit, for example.

We can't treat kids like they're miniature adults with adult-sized feelings and comprehension. They aren't. We're teaching them the rules of life so that when they are older, they can work within them.

I swear, Pop Psych is going to be the death of parenting.

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No, I don't - and I'll tell you why.

Growing up, I knew a lot of people who really thought that they could do the most outrageous things, and if they just said "Sorry sorry sorry!" afterwards, it'd be all right.

I still know people like that!

They thought it because they'd been *taught* it.

Very carefully, since childhood - you lie and say sorry, and you're not in trouble anymore. You say sorry to stop being in trouble - not because you feel anything.

What's more, a lot of people say sorry while making excuses. As in: "Sorry I took your phone - but I meant to return it!" And they think that's okay.

So when my nieces (or other children I'm watching) happen to wrong me or somebody else, or if they do something by accident that causes troubles, we discuss it. Maybe the appropriate thing to do, when you've spilled your juice on the floor on purpose (or by accident), is to wipe it up. Maybe, if you've pushed your friend, you can give her a hug and she'll feel better. We emphasize that sorry is *polite*, and that people feel better if you say sorry (this isn't actually true - social convention seems to require saying things like 'that's all right' or 'it's not really your fault', and I don't get that at all, but I digress, the point is, it's what's expected), and I do extract a promise to not do whatever it is again if it was misbehaving (with the threat of leaving or a time-out or something similar if she does) but I don't really want to tell anybody to lie.

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Uly, you fall back on this "lying" argument a lot, but I think you are looking at it immaturely in this case. As an old quote says, "it is more important to be kind than to be right." I used to be known as "brutally honest" myself; now I am just known as honest, because I understand the importance of politeness. Again, it's not about me proving I or my kids are all we should be. It's about not hurting other people.

You have a warped understanding of "lying" anyway. You called me a liar when I was not lying. I suppose that makes you a liar in addition to being extremely rude. Clearly your theories on lying have holes in them; I trust you will adopt a more mature view of honesty and kindness over time.

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Uly, I should add that while you never did apologize to me for calling me a liar, an apology would have been appropriate, whether heart-felt or not.

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Meagan, I was talking about Uly's current comment in combination with other ones she's made in the past month or two. I think she knows exactly what I am talking about.

And not to be nit-picky, but her post talks about lying from the seventh line, and I think it's really the underlying premise of her position.

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I missed that one... but I obviously read the main point of her comment differently regardless.

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