The mommy guilt trip

Great post. I know that there are lots of working moms who work because they HAVE to, to make ends meet and provide for their family. I suppose that they don't need to dwell on this too much. How can you feel guilty about feeding your child?!

But then there are also a lot of working moms like myself. We're not filthy rich, but we could definitely survive on my husband's income and our savings. I didn't have to return to work when my son was six months old. But, I NEEDED to. And I always feel like it is some shortcoming on my part, some mothering instinct that is lacking. How is mothering this beautiful boy not enough to fill my days? I have many friends who stay at home, who seem fulfilled and happy in their lives as mothers. It didn't work for me. I LOVE my son beyond all reason. But, this new life wasn't enough. I needed something more, something to drive me, something outside of the home. I failed at just being "mom".

My husband stopped work when I was offered my dream job (I interviewed on the phone while nursing my son!). He was "just dad" for 3 years, until our son started school. He could do it when I couldn't. I guess that simply giving birth doesn't instantly transform us into June Cleaver...

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Now, i know this was *supposed* to come across as strictly personal and non-confrontational. But it didn't. See, it's not feasible to have this conversation without there being either overt or subtle judgements. For example, many hypersensitive mothers will read this sentence:

"But for me, I think I'd make myself crazy--I'm too goal oriented, too driven. I think I'd make us both crazy."

and feel insulted, like you're saying a SAHM is *not* goal-oriented or driven. I don't feel attacked, insulted, or offended, but I think many would. Because quite simply, judgements abound out of necessity, particularly about this topic.

Can you imagine the outrage at a similar sentence with the opposite sentiment? "But for me, I think I'd make myself crazy - I'm too child-oriented, too involved." There's nothing inherently wrong or mean in that sentence - it merely expresses a view alternative to the one you posed. But the outrage that it would precipitate! Cause for some reason, it is ok to come across as somewhat judgemental -as long as one is on the 'right' side of the spectrum: working.

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You should keep in mind, too, that today's SAHMs really do have a lot more time to focus specifically on spending time with the kids. Today we have so many things like microwaves, vacuum cleaners, washing machines, etc., that free up so much time. It used to be more necessary for someone to be at home - not simply for the children, but to tend to the homefront. And long before that, the women were out growing and gathering food for the household in addition to many other things. There have been so many innovations now that SAHMs are able to put most of their energy toward the children and running them all over to soccer practice, etc.

In my opinion, a person shouldn't feel like they are strange for not wanting to tend to their children 24/7, because in the past, it was not typical of women to do so, either.

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It is a common misconception that we SAHMs actually spend most of our time at home :) I LOVE the days when the only time I'm away from home is to take the kids to school and pick them up. That is rare.
Before my girls started elementary school, they attended a Parents Day Out program for 6 hours twice a week. Then came 2 years of 4 day a week pre-kindergarten. This was helpful to me after my late-husband became homebound with cancer. Priceless were the friends I made with moms of their "classmates" who would take my children home with them so they didn't have to go through the 4 hours of driving and 4 hours of sitting while daddy had chemo.
I run the family errands, do the grocery shopping without kids in tow or having to fight the "after work" crowds. I'm able to run errands for teachers when needed. Because I am a SAHM, I'm available to do more work for the PTO.
For me, it would be very stressful to have to rush to pick up my children after work, come home to housework, homework, dinner prep, bedtime routines. I didn't enjoy having to use my weekends for housework, shopping and errands when I worked before I had my children.

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Hey, I'm a SAHM, and I understand where you're coming from. My 3 year old goes off with his Dad for an hour or two, comes home and tells me he missed me and loves me, and gets all cuddley. He wouldn't be that way if he was with me 24/7. Because how can your child miss you if you never leave? I say, there is no reason to feel guilty.

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I think all the author is saying is that *she's* "too goal oriented, too driven" in a way that doesn't make staying home work for her. Being goal-oriented and driven manifests in people in different ways, and means different things to different people. I don't hear her implying SAHMs aren't goal oriented and driven, just that for her, the driven-ness manifests in a way that makes working outside the home and the pursuit of a career and a professional life personally important to her.

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I could have written that myself. I completely understand. When I was pregnant with my second I thought to myself "Well maybe I should stay home now.", but by the middle of my maternity leave I knew I had to go back to work. I would have ended up miserable and most likely would not have been very enjoyable to live with. There are times when I think a part-time job would be a good comprimise, but then I've worked so hard to be in the position I am now. OH the decisions and the second guessing.

I would think that no matter what decisions someone makes about how they are going to operate their house and family that everyone has those moments where they feel guilt and second guess at least one of those decisions.
(the other Mel ;-) )

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I didn't see her words as judgmental at all; merely a description of herself.

She didn't say that all of us should feel that way.

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Being a SAHM can certainly be frustrating if you're looking to make progress towards any goals unrelated to your children. However, I view the SAH experience as a once in a lifetime opportunity. Unlike my children who will grow up and move away one day, the work world will always be there. Although perhaps not in the same form (per Kristin's article on ageism).

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Dont feel guilty. We are human, we are complex beings. a person needs different things to do. I was a stay at home mom for a while and I know quite a few stay at home moms. After the new-ness wears off they tend to get depressed. I know I did. I ended up shopping everyday just to get out and do somtheing else, which landed me in hot water with my husband and our bills.
In our time there is so much that we can't just be stay at home moms. We need other things to stimulate our minds, heck our entire being.
I have 3 kids, a husband, a house to take care off, afull-time job and a part-time job. On top of that I have a tendancey to throw in socializing too.
There are time I think goodness I wish I didnt have to do all this. And then I really think about it and realize that if I didnt I would go crazy.
Put it this way. If you won the lottery and didn't ever have to work or do anything again what do you think you would do?
You would spend time with your kids but then you would start finding other things to do. whether it be starting your own business or picking up a hobby, or something else. You couldn't be just one thing. It's just human nature.
Everyone is a combonation of things, it's what makes us us. For example I am a Woman. I am a partner, a lover, a mother, a teacher, a business manager, a confidant, a dancer and so on and so forth.
So DO NOT feel guilty for being you.

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i am going crazy staying home. withe the outragous cost of childcare I was loosing mony by working, but at home my extroverted 5yearold, who by the way just missed the cutoff and is not in kindergarten, he never stops talking, never sits still, and dosnt stay sitting for mare than 5 minits. and his introverted little sister gets often overlooked, but i know she needs juat as much mommy time. and it realy chafes, not having my own personal income the dosent relie on the fothers of my children.

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This is such a personal choice and you just have to do what is right for you and your family. I’ve been married 30 years to a man who is 17 years older than I am. “Back then”, he wanted a “girl just like the girl that married dear old dad.” He wanted me to stay at home and manage our home and be with the boys. I gladly did that and loved every minute of it. When my youngest went to school, I felt like someone died and I was still so young. I had a very good opportunity come to me after thousands of hours of volunteering in the school, they offered me a job. My husband did NOT like it. But…I was there when he went to work and I was there when he got home plus I only worked when my boys had school. It was the perfect job and I loved it. I was still “kind of “ with my boys too (at school).

We moved so I couldn’t keep my job. It wouldn’t have been feasible for me to make that drive. I have to say I love being at home and I have no kids keeping me here. I think “drive” and “goal oriented” interests are up to the individual. I love so many things that I have in my life. I feed a million birds, rabbits, deer, pheasants. Pretty much anything that comes my way. In the summer I garden and swim. I can go to lunch with my grandchildren or knit or read or scrapbook. My life is full staying home. There are so many people who wonder how can I live out here in the middle of nowhere and not go nuts. My mom loves going out everyday shopping or for coffee and I just hate that. She thinks I’m nuts. I think she’s nuts.

The point is we are all different and enjoy different things. We have to embrace the differences in each other and accept people for who and what they are and not try and change them. If we are lucky enough to be able to do what makes us happy, who is anyone to tell us we are wrong in making that choice?

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I think that sometimes you do have to let go of being goal oriented when you are at home just to let things be and let small kids potter about. Somehow one has to let the world race by while you seem to move in slow motion at home. It's not that you are not doing anything it's just that it isn't medical research and it isn't high finance. Now that my kids are older, my working friends think that I must have a really clean house because I have nothing to do all day. I have never been busier in my life just keeping my house and family on track. But to keep me sane I find that post-graduate study where I don't have to attend a lot of lectures but I have some pressure on me to think and write helps me to feel that there is something for me here too. For me it is the perfect balance.

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