Baby blues: better with #2?

by Linda Lee (Subscribe to Linda Lee's posts) Feb 3rd 2008 3:00PM

The day we brought Riley home I was a complete emotional wreck. We walked in the door of our home and I surveyed the landscape, horrified by what I saw. Since he had arrived a few weeks early, I hadn't prepared the house -- to my fresh-from-a-pristine-medical-environment eyes, it looked unspeakably filthy: dog hair everywhere, piles of Amazon boxes from baby gifts, evidence of my husband's hurried dinners as he came home to take care of the pets while I was in the hospital.

I remember placing Riley on the coffee table in his carseat, and simply collapsing on the couch in shock. I remember at one point I just couldn't stop crying, I was so overwrought with hormones and pain from the c-section and the enormity of the life changes we were experiencing. My husband kept asking me what was wrong and I kept sobbing about how the carpet was dirty. You could say I was a little . . . unbalanced, that evening.

I was so, so, so freaked out about Riley's well-being. It's hard to remember the details, except I was constantly convinced something awful was going to happen to him -- should he be breathing like that? What was that weird noise he just made, is he okay? Is he eating enough? Pooping enough? ETC ETC ETC.

I felt pretty rocky for the first week or so, but eventually found my sea legs and came out of Crazytown and into New Motherhood (not that these two states are all that far apart from one another). The weepiness subsided, the full-body panic over the health of the baby retreated to less psychotic levels, and I started to be able to handle Riley more like my own child rather than a grenade whose pin had been pulled.

My hope is that this time around with baby #2, everything will be just a little bit familiar, and I won't be so . . . frantic and weird. I imagine that after the baby is born on Monday things will be tough at first for all the reasons the postpartum period IS tough -- major body changes, lifestyle changes, recovery period, hormonal nuttiness -- but I really hope I can keep a more even keel this time.

Did you experience emotional ups and downs when your baby was first born? For those who have had a second, was it any different? Specifically, was it any better?

Comments (23)

Reader Comments (Page 1 of 2)

Melissa 2-03-2008 @ 3:16PM

Yes, it was better. Different. Better.

Ethel 2-03-2008 @ 5:32PM

I don't know, it was different, you know what is happening the second time. But, the second one may present his/her own problems that you didn't deal with the first time, like for mine it was he was so big that I wasn't producing enough milk fast enough and that is why he went from a lusty cry to a weak one. With your first you don't know what to expect, with your second you expect something and when it comes you know what to do. What gets me is that when I show up to my postnatals with rings under my eyes, a glazed look, and my stress level is a little high the health care providers drilled me about being depressed. I wasn't, and I know the difference, but it still made me cringe.

Amy 2-03-2008 @ 6:20PM

I had full blown PPD that didn't get treated until she was 8 months old with #1, and the sense to go immediately back on my Zoloft before they'd even wiped the vernix off of #2, so it's hard to say objectively. However, as I've mentioned in other comments, with #1 I always (even after I got better) felt like a total n00b, whereas with #2 everything is old hat, and that makes me feel like a "real" mom. Also, #1 is around to entertain #2, so #2 requires a LOT less of my energy. #2 also happens to be an easygoing, mellow, and generally easy baby, while #1 still is very intense and high-maintenance (just like Mommy, and I'm 31, so I guess there's not much hope of her growing out of it!!).

I love having two kids. I tell everyone that if I'd known how great it was to have two, I would've had twins. You're going to be just fine. The first 3 months are tough. It's a big adjustment. There's a lot of gear required, and figuring out simple logistics (like how do you get two kids under two into the house with a car load of groceries without leaving any of them alone in the car, or alone with the dog, or alone with each other??!!) takes some time. It's harder now, with the cold weather. But by the time the weather starts warming up, you'll be old hat at it. It also gets a lot easier when the baby can hold up her own head, too, because they don't seem so terribly breakable, and you're not convinced that #1 is going to damage #2 every time he looks hard at her.

I remember being pregnant, and looking at my oldest, and thinking, "How could I ever love someone else as much as I love her?" But babies bring their own love. It's different, and in a lot of ways it's harder, but in so many great ways it's better, more hilarious, more fun, more of everything you love about being a mom.

Have a good baby! I can't wait to "meet" your new baby.

Amy @ http://prettybabies.blogspot.com

Heather 2-03-2008 @ 7:13PM

I wasn't diagnosed with anything the first time around, but I did get pretty nutty. Not crazy, just crying, sometimes hysterically, a lot. This time around, 4-weeks into it, the craziness is more related to sleep-deprivation and isolation, plus worry about what's going to happen with my job. I feel on a slightly more even keel, though I am prone to crying over my unbelieveable luck at having two such beautiful girls. :snniff: Where are my tissues?

www.threeoutofseven.blogspot.com

mamacheryl 2-03-2008 @ 7:36PM

The overwhelming sense of burden and responsibility intensified after #2 came. I think it was probably because we knew that when we had our second, I would have to quit working because we couldn't pay for two kids in daycare. So when she was born, the shock and anxiety about money and responsibility... and really just feeling very trapped... skyrocketed way more than it did with our first. I'm still not over that feeling, and my daughter is three and a half months old.

So I'm anxious about other things this time. With my son, I was worried about him dying and getting hurt and all of that stuff.

Also, having a baby of a different gender provides a whole new set of anxieties. More so than with my son, I feel a heap of responsibility on my shoulders to be a model woman for my daughter to see. I feel like she's watching me all the time, checking to see what's acceptable and what's not.

Cheryl
http://redpens-diapers.blogspot.com
http://skinnymeals.blogspot.com

Carrie 2-03-2008 @ 7:56PM

I was a hundred million times better the 2nd time around. I was still on the anti-depressants from the first. I had help for 5 weeks after my 2nd c-section. I also knew what to expect from a newborn.
Definetely it is rough...but then you get in the groove again and it really isn't that much harder then having one. And it's a heck of a lot more fun because you have one to keep you company...so it's not all baby all day :)

StephLove 2-04-2008 @ 8:40AM

Yes, it's much better the second time around. I was pretty much convinced and terrified something horrible was going to happen to my son for the first two months of his life. I didn't even like to leave the house alone with him. (If my partner came, I felt safer.)

With my daughter I was much more relaxed.

www.allfortheloveofyou.com

Honeybee 2-03-2008 @ 8:09PM

I haven't had my second yet but I felt "crazy" for about a week or so with my first. I remember loving my daughter so much but was so overwhelmed that I wanted to run away or something. And that feeling was awful. Also, trying desperately to breastfeed and having very little luck on top of the hormonal stuff was intense. I'm hoping experience and some better plannning will help the second time around. I bet it will at least a little for you since you have better knowledge about the timing of this birth. Good luck tomorrow!!! :)

Helen 2-03-2008 @ 8:19PM

Second time round I felt significantly less crazy, and when I was weepy I knew that it was hormomes and sleep deprivation rather than everything else, so I could at least laugh at myself. What I hadn't reckoned on was just how much it would break my heart when my two year old was upset at the new baby. She was never mean but would be inconsolable when I had to feed the baby. Then there would be two kids, and me, crying- think my husband felt like booking the first flight out of here. But, 3 months later, everything- whilst not a walk in the park- is so much easier, and the firstborn loves or at least likes the little one, and the sight of big sister makes little sister ecstatic. One thing that did stick with me was the first split of allegiances- big one accidentally sat on little one's head- again the three of us were crying. I was actually more worried about how upset the older one was, because the baby was instantly calmed with the boob. I could go on about this all day, but I too have the can't afford daycare for 2, suddenly a stay at home mum thing going on, which is tougher than I imagined.
Anyway, just really wanted to say masses of good luck and best wishes for tomorrow. I found your blog while we were both equally pregnant last time and was delighted that you are joining the craziness of two kids. And it is crazy, so very crazy.

Jill 2-03-2008 @ 8:45PM

I had PPD with #2, so even if I felt experienced, I was totally off kilter anyway. He was completely different- the tricks I'd learned with the first one were useless this time around. I had a tough time, but I think if he'd been my firstborn it would have been significantly worse.

Jan Bay 2-03-2008 @ 8:52PM

Venturing into the unknown puts a unique kind of pressure on us with that first baby. By the time the second one comes along we not only are old pros at baby care, but we've learned how not to sweat the small stuff!

When I sawBree VanDeCamp on Desperate Housewives the first time, I said, "WOW, I remember when I thought I wanted to BE her!" That phase didn't last long! Part of the "blues that I suffered after my first was that I was exhausted with realization that I could not make everything perfect. It hit me one day when I wheeled around from re-arranging baby #1's onesie drawer and saw her laughing and giggling all by herself that perfection was keeping me away from some of the good times that would never come my way again and said forget it.

I didn't have the angst of that sort with number two or three and was lucky not to be overly hormonal or blue with any of them.

Jan from http://www.unique-baby-gear-ideas.com/

Jan Bay 2-03-2008 @ 8:52PM

Cara 2-03-2008 @ 8:58PM

I had such difficulty breastfeeding Payton, that I eventually had to stop trying after 4 long, painful months. The second time I was very determined to make it work. Even though I was very determined, I was also not going to go through another horrible 4 months, so I told myself that if I wasn't able to exclusively BF after one month, then it was on to the formula. It turned out to be an extremely difficult month, but I did it and 11 months later am still doing it.

That being said, my life would have been a lot easier had I just given her bottles instead. Nursing a baby when you have an 18 month old to watch too is quite difficult. The minute you sit down to nurse, kid #1 climbs up on the kitchen table or somesuch nonsense.

There are certainly things about having 2 that makes it more difficult logistically (like how am I going to go to the grocery store with 2 of them?), but in general #2 was easier for me.

grandmama 2-04-2008 @ 8:52PM

This is from a long term perspective, my kids are now in their mid-twenties (16 months apart, thank you very much). My first baby cried (a lot) and so did I.The second one was worlds easier. I knew what to expect, what to do, and wasn't as freaked because well, I hadn't killed the first one so chances were this one would be OK. An interesting think: back then we were told we needed to "get the baby on a schedule." With the first one I worried about that, with the second I just said "f%$k-it" and just nursed her when she cried. Carried her around a lot, too. And ya know what? Her eating sleeping etc times stabilized a lot faster than kid number 1. Good luck, and remember--you raised one to the age of 2 so you have to assume you know what you're doing.

Crystal 2-03-2008 @ 9:26PM

I call it post-partum STRESS. I wasnt depressed. I was overjoyed with my toddler and my beautiful baby girl. But trying to enjoy them and keep up with all the chores that come from having kids is a lot to handle the first few weeks. The toddler wants to eat three times a day. (The nerve.) And the little one wants to nurse ALL DAY long. Add dirty diapers and laundry into the mix, omg. Its quite an undertaking. (This is why we are the mommies. Men couldnt handle it.) lol
After a few weeks of trying to make everyone happy, you'll get into the swing of things and it will be a lot easier. And fun. Congratulations on the new one. Best of luck!!! :)

LLN 2-03-2008 @ 11:02PM

I've had 2 kids and it is SO much easier the 2nd time around. I remember being terrified the first day I was left alone with our first baby (after my Mom and MIL left after their respective visits to help me out).

While I had a tougher recovery after the 2nd delivery (totally fluke thing, but it meant I couldn't go up and down stairs and had to rest during the day -- ha ha ha). Anyway, even though I had a tougher physical recovery with the 2nd baby, caring for the baby was a breeze. I kept thinking, "Why did I find this so tough the first time around?" In comparison to a two-year-old, a newborn is simple.

Good luck tomorrow! You will do great!

claire 2-03-2008 @ 11:06PM

I only have the one boy, but friends of mine with two or more kids have said that they're generally too busy to have PPD. That's just my few friends; I know everyone is different.
That said, with my first, I didn't have any PPD and wasn't even especially stressed or sleep-deprived since 1) I am so laid-back I would be comatose if I smoked pot and 2) I was blessed with a well-sleeping baby from the beginning. However, I was detached in a way I didn't expect when I first had my son. I would hold him and nurse him and change him and I would think "Holy crap, that's my son." But it wasn't an immediate feeling. And I didn't always have the warm gush of newborn love that I always thought I would have. It wasn't, of course, that I didn't love him; it was just that I had to get used to him. Of course, the minute his paternal grandmother showed up, I resolved all that detachment and started demanding "give me back my baby!"
I know I only know you from reading your thoughts online, but I have a gut feeling that you're going to enjoy mothering two boys to no limit. I believe you're going to have a really good time and not believe how lucky you are every single day. At least, I hope that for you. Good luck tomorrow!

Jenna 2-04-2008 @ 10:09AM

Nope. This has been a totally different experience than after my first parented son and... uniquely harder. While my anxiety has been in better check this time around, I'm just left feeling like a failure of a parent every single day. It's been awful.

bremarie03 2-04-2008 @ 10:42AM

For me, it was the same emotional rollercoaster with the second and third. The difference is, you know from experience that it's only temporary.

Susan 2-04-2008 @ 11:39AM

It's definitely easier the second time around. I had a good case of the baby blues with my first. I remember just bursting into tears for no reason whatsoever. But the second time it was a lot easier. I think it was partly because I knew what to expect and partly because I knew there was a light at the end of the tunnel. Those first few weeks are still hard and exhausting, but I knew that it would get easier with time--and it did.

Also, both of mine were c-sections also and the recovery was a lot easier the second time.

Congratulations on the impending little one. Can't wait to see pictures.

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