The case for "settling"
Categories: Just For Moms, Just For Dads
I was never married to my son's father. We were engaged, we were in love, and then it all unraveled. I'll spare you the painful details, but suffice it to say, we tried to make it work. We tried painfully, wretchedly hard to salvage tiny threads of hope. But we couldn't, and I regret that every single day.I am happy being Nolan's Mom, of course, he is a vibrant, happy, and endearing little boy, with a heartfelt giggle and a tender heart. But I would be lying if I didn't say that I am wistful about the idea of a family package: a Dad, a Mom, children: all wrapped up in the red bow of life.
So I was fascinated to read this extremely provocative article that claims that every woman over thirty -- with child or without -- secretly yearns for a traditional family unit. Those that say they do not, the author claims, are blatantly deluding themselves. All women want a partner, a helper, someone to be present in the often murky trenches of the everyday.
The author recounts what she views as very wise words from a friend: "I would say even if he's not the love of your life, make sure he's someone you respect intellectually, makes you laugh, appreciates you ... I bet there are plenty of these men in the older, overweight, and bald category (which they all eventually become anyway)."
The article is undoubtedly controversial because it insinuates that women lose value as they age, particularly single women with children -- but it makes a whole lot of sense to me. Mr. Right is not necessarily Mr. Perfect -- he might just be Mr. Bald and Sweaty but with a Tender Heart and Serious Work Ethic. Even for long married parents, I think this article is worth a read -- for interest's sake or if only to say "Man, am I glad I'm not single."
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Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)
dizietsma 2-09-2008 @ 3:42PM
Bleurgh, the dross you guys pimp on this blog sometimes!
Here's a link to a clear thinking response to this anti-feminist "settling" bullcrap-
http://pandagon.blogsome.com/2008/02/08/6705/
Try harder next time, eh?
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Jill 2-09-2008 @ 3:58PM
I believe we only find the right partner when we become happy not having one. While I'd never call it settling, there is a myth of the soul mate that I think many women search to find and, meanwhile, turn down some wonderful men. Take an honest look in the mirror at your physical and mental self and look for someone just as good-- just don't expect to find someone perfect-- you aren't either.
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Eva 2-09-2008 @ 4:01PM
It's dangerous to say "every woman" or to generalize like this.
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Suebob 2-09-2008 @ 10:16PM
I'm not so sure what I long for. I know after dating and having both short- and long-term relationships with men for 31 years, I am very happy to be alone. I thought it was that I didn't want this particular man or that one...but I am thinking that I have been fairly solitary since I was a toddler. I hid in the hall closet to get away from people when I was 3. I crossed the street to avoid classmates when I saw them out walking...I just really, really like solitude. It's not that there's anything wrong with men or with me, but this seems to be my preferred mode of living.
Having someone to fix the sink would be great, though.
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SKL 2-10-2008 @ 4:49AM
I definitely know some women who have never "longed" for the traditional family structure. However, I do think most single women of "a certain age" do.
However, most of the singles I know aren't single because they refused to "settle," but rather because they never even had the opportunity to make that decision - either they have never gotten close to a "proposal" or, if they did, it was clear that person was Bad news with a capital B.
Most of the women I recall talking about "not settling" ended up marrying pretty nice guys.
And, those of us who are still single are not necessarily still longing. At some point you remember to count the blessings that you do have, and when you do, you can't help but smile. And also, every time you hear a story about what some woman's rotten husband is up to now, you sigh with relief and think, boy am I glad I don't have to ever check with a man before I ____.
It's really nice that we live in a time and place where we are not "doomed" by being single. A lot of that gloom and doom is a remnant of the days when a "spinster" had no property rights, etc., and an unmarried mother - let's not even go there. Sure, it's natural to want someone to be there all the time and all that, but once a woman has that, doesn't she spend just as much time wishing it were the other way?
Personally I came frighteningly close to "settling" for a real jerk. We're talking abusive, "values" from the dark ages, etc., etc. My reluctance to give up that lifelong dream of a "family" made me a little crazy as I approached the age of 40. Thank God I snapped out of it. And now the older I get, the happier I am to be single. So, don't worry, and always trust your gut about relationships.
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SKL 2-10-2008 @ 5:19AM
Well, as usual, I read the linked article after I posted my first comment.
That writer is just miserable about her own choices, and she's projecting her unhappiness on all other single women over 30. She is just plain wrong. Actually she sounds like she needs some psychological help. Getting married isn't going to fix her problem - whether she marries a hot divorcee, an ugly dude with "halitosis" (please), or a gay guy.
Trust me, there's a lot of happiness in the singlesphere. May I suggest that you don't spend another minute listening to miserable people. If you don't have the opportunity to get out with positive single people, then use Nolan as your example. Joy has nothing to do with whether or not your life has gone according to plan - your plan or anyone else's plan.
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Mel 2-10-2008 @ 10:38AM
Insight, guts, and self-affirmation. That's what it took for this woman to write the linked article. This is "an extremely provocative article"? This is not shocking to anyone not buried in denial. Everyone agrees with the article's thrust: All people, men and women, in their hearts and souls want a partner. And most people will tell you that they agree - not on internet message boards, of course, because commenters tend to be indignant about their choices. For example, this post is not likely to invite comments which concur with the linked article. On parenting and lifestyle sites, (forums which are most likely to consider this topic) commenters tend to be ostensible DIY'ers who balk at the notion that a lifelong partnership is an innately human yen.
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Mel 2-10-2008 @ 11:01AM
I should claridy: It's of course possible to be happy and be single. The two are not necessarily mutually exclusive. The point is that everyone *wants* to be attached. Similarly, everyone wants to be a multimillionare; most people aren't and are still able to forge a satisfied existence. But that doesn't change the fact that everyone wants to be rich. It is ok to admit that one wants something that they don't currently have. I think some people worry that saying that amounts to self-denigration and low self-worth. It's ok to not have everything you want; it's not ok to deny that you want it.
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Beh. 2-11-2008 @ 1:40PM
I agree with the first commenter; it is essential to be happy with oneself first.
I was over 30 when I met my current husband (I hate that term; it's like I'm planning to have another one later), and I had a 5 year old in tow. So did he, plus a then-8 year old, and we are now a big happy Brady Bunch with one more on the way. My husband is 41 but looks like he could be in his 20s. I don't think you have to settle. When I divorced my ex, my mantra was "no compromise". I knew that might mean being alone for the rest of my life, but I was okay with that, because it was better than it had been with T's dad. I didn't compromise, met the man I consider to be my soul mate, and we are living happily ever after.
I did meet him online, but he's not skeevy or anything. ;-)
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