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Should tweens be dating?
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When I was eleven years old, I had a crush on a boy named Jeff. Unfortunately, Jeff only had eyes for Rachel and the two of them were considered a 'couple.' Back in those days, being a couple in sixth grade didn't mean anything more than eating lunch together and hanging out on the playground. They didn't see each other outside of school because at the age of 11, we were all too young to date.
These days, however, kids as young as 11 are dating, sometimes with harmful results. The National Domestic Violence Hotline conducted a survey of 1,043 tweens - kids aged 11 to 14 - and found that about half of them have been in dating relationships. The survey also found that almost 30 percent of tweens think oral sex and intercourse are expected in boyfriend/girlfriend relationships and many reported being harassed, bossed around and otherwise mistreated in their relationships. Some even related stories of abuse, including hitting, slapping and being pressured into have oral sex or intercourse.
"We're talking about a whole new cycle of abuse," said Sheryl Cates, chief executive of the NDVH. This new generation needs more education and services about healthy relationships, she said.
I agree that like most everything else, education is the key. I also think that an 11-year-old - no matter how mature - is too young to date. But reading this article makes me wonder just what is going on with boys today. We can assume that the majority of those who said they had been the victim of "controlling abuse" were girls. A boy interested in sex is one thing. A boy who will pressure you into having sex, "tell you what to do a lot," want to know "where you were all the time" or "who you were with all the time" is something else. What is that about?
For more information, check out the The National Teen Dating Abuse Hotline Website , where they offer support, information and advocacy for young people and those who care about them.
These days, however, kids as young as 11 are dating, sometimes with harmful results. The National Domestic Violence Hotline conducted a survey of 1,043 tweens - kids aged 11 to 14 - and found that about half of them have been in dating relationships. The survey also found that almost 30 percent of tweens think oral sex and intercourse are expected in boyfriend/girlfriend relationships and many reported being harassed, bossed around and otherwise mistreated in their relationships. Some even related stories of abuse, including hitting, slapping and being pressured into have oral sex or intercourse.
"We're talking about a whole new cycle of abuse," said Sheryl Cates, chief executive of the NDVH. This new generation needs more education and services about healthy relationships, she said.
I agree that like most everything else, education is the key. I also think that an 11-year-old - no matter how mature - is too young to date. But reading this article makes me wonder just what is going on with boys today. We can assume that the majority of those who said they had been the victim of "controlling abuse" were girls. A boy interested in sex is one thing. A boy who will pressure you into having sex, "tell you what to do a lot," want to know "where you were all the time" or "who you were with all the time" is something else. What is that about?
For more information, check out the The National Teen Dating Abuse Hotline Website , where they offer support, information and advocacy for young people and those who care about them.
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ReaderComments (Page 1 of 1)
2-15-2008 @ 1:12PM
queenoqueens said...Ack!
Time to move to the mountains.
Reply
2-15-2008 @ 1:22PM
Mel said..."We can assume that the majority of those who said they had been the victim of "controlling abuse" were girls."
Why, exactly, can we assume this?
Reply
2-15-2008 @ 4:53PM
isisaquaria said...That was my first thought too.
2-15-2008 @ 1:46PM
CLM said...Mel, please don't start an argument for the sake of argument.
My first thought on reading this story is - what parent thinks it's ok for an 11 year old to date? How is it these kids are unsupervised to the extent that they are having sex at this age? Consider my mind boggled.
Reply
2-15-2008 @ 2:01PM
rebecca Biernesser said...My husband just found a note that was written to my niece from her friend where they are discussing that another friend has had sex and might be pregnant....My niece is in the 6th grade. Lucky for us, she is an airhead and left the note on the counter...Unlucky for her b/c now her parents know about it. I say unlucky, b/c my brother is not exactly closemouthed about subjects and will bring them up to everyone...
I have a friend that sister is in the 9th grade and is in denial about children these ages having sex or thoughts of sex...I have to remind her to wake up...they are and don't she remember when we were that age?? Since we are only 28 & 27, it really wasn't that long ago...
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2-15-2008 @ 2:02PM
Mel said...CLM, I'm sincerely curious. Yesterday this same blogger was incensed that a school bus driver made an assumption based on gender. So I'm just trying to ascertain when it's ok to make such assumptions.
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2-15-2008 @ 3:17PM
Sandy Maple said...Mel - it wasn't the fact that the bus driver made an assumption based on gender that I was upset about. It was the assumption he made - that a man is more capable than a woman of handling an emergency exit from a bus. I disagree with his opinion and sincerely believe that he is wrong. As far as my own assumption in this post, I base it on my experience and statistics available on the subject. You are certainly free to disagree with it.
2-15-2008 @ 4:59PM
isisaquaria said...My daughter has had the same bf since 2nd grade--they "date" with chaperones. We often take him to things we are doing and include him in family gatherings. Why? Because, keeping genders apart only increases the desire to be together, if they are allowed to get to know ea other now and learn to respect one another now-as they grow it will continue either w/ea other or someone new.
Reply
2-15-2008 @ 5:05PM
dpearson said..."We can assume that the majority of those who said they had been the victim of "controlling abuse" were girls."
Very interesting assumption you make. Would you care to list your statistics? I have done volunteer work with teens and preteens for several years, and see more social manipulation, social blackmail and control tactics played out by young ladies than by the often clueless young men around them.
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2-15-2008 @ 5:07PM
isisaquaria said...BTW they are now 12....and best friends.
Reply
2-15-2008 @ 5:22PM
Mel said...Sandy, I actually agree with you. Here's why: When we think of girls exerting "controlling abuse" on boys, we think of the behaviors listed by dpearson. Conversely, when we think of boys exerting "controlling abuse" on girls, we think of violence or some type of physical coercion. Why? Physicality. Most females cannot physically intimidate most males, though females often have the upper hand with regard to other controlling behavior. All of this is because males are physically stronger than females, generally speaking, a fact backed up by both experience and facts. So, part of my point in bringing this up is to show why that bus driver was not being a "chauvinist." You are no different than that bus driver: You both made the exact same assumption, and both of you were correct! The difference is that he was derided as a "chauvinist" while you will likely be lauded as a girl-power feminist.
It's dismaying that women talk a big talk, while subversively continuing to vicitimize and martyr themselves in the name of feminism.
Reply
2-16-2008 @ 1:10PM
dpearson said...Nicely put.
2-15-2008 @ 5:47PM
Mel said...Thanks dpearson. Unfortunately, I'm regularly regarded as a troll on this site for eschewing the rabid hysteria that's rampant here, and instead espousing an alternative perspective.
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2-15-2008 @ 10:57PM
isisaquaria said...You too? It seems that some choices are accepted and some are not...whether fact based or otherwise. And I agree--one post angered at the assumption by one to believe females are incapable --and then posting the assuption that females are more likely to be victims--both pointing to the perceived weakness of the female condition. Both in my estimation a possible opinion of the poster and not entirely based on complete fact. However, while they could be correct--they very well could be wrong. When blogging on such it is dangerous to assume either is the case.
2-17-2008 @ 11:58AM
jane said...Mel and isisaquaria.....You two really belong together. You both seem to know everything there is to know and have perfect lives. Just ask you and you’ll tell us how perfect your children are and your families and lives. Why don’t you write a book to tell us how we are doing everything wrong.
You two are sickening and ruin most of these blogs for me (and I'm sure others). They are just stories and a way to communicate with other, to share feelings. Do you know what feelings are?? Oh yes, you must since you know everything else. Do you both have to take things so literally????????????
2-15-2008 @ 6:09PM
CLM said...Mel is actually comparing apples and oranges. The bus driver made an assumption that the female sitting at the back of the bus was incapable of rendering assistance in the event of an emergency. To my knowledge, there are no trackable statistics concerning this supposed inability. Indeed, I would argue that were woman incapable of handling the rear bus door, it would be considered a reasonable bar to hiring women bus drivers. As many school bus drivers are female, I think it might be safe to "assume" that there is no statistically verifiable inability.
On the other hand, with respect to Sandy's "assumption" concerning coercive behavior, we have actual statistics (see abanet.org, ojp.usdoj.gov/bjs/intimate/ipv.htm and endabuse.org among others). Accordingly, it was not so much an assumption on her part as a probability born out by verifiable information.
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2-17-2008 @ 1:25PM
Mel said...Jane: This site has a mostly homogeous following. Bloggers and commentors rabidly run people away when they express an opposing perspective. These readers are derided as "trolls" and "bigots" and worse, which runs people away. None of these labels offend me, so I stay to balance the comments. Judging from your post, I'm doing a pretty good job.
This site encourages an us-against-the-world sense of community. The fact is that there are many people who agree with me, isis, dpearson, and others. We are not often agreed with on this particular board because of the aforementioned reason, but we are out there.
It's ok to disagree, Jane. Don't le me "ruin" it for you - that gives me way too much power.
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