Giving in to the fear
The first time a woman goes through a pregnancy she carries with her a certain fear, or perhaps an anxiety. It is the fear of the unknown, of not having control, of not being able to predict or manage the outcome.
One would think that after going through the process of getting pregnant, being pregnant and giving birth those fears would be dispelled, or at least give way to new ones. They do, but they don't go away. While being pregnant and giving birth to a healthy child gives a mother an unheard of confidence in her abilities as a human being, those fears are still there.
At least they are for some.
The second time around the fear comes back. it may be less, it may be coupled with a certain amount of knowledge--"this is how it happened last time, this is what I can expect." The truth is the same old thoughts plague us, especially in the early stages.
Is it really a pregnancy? Perhaps it's just a chemical pregnancy or it seems like the body is pregnant but the egg ever latches on. Will it stick? Will it work? Will there be a heartbeat or heartache at the first big OBGYN meeting? We've been down both paths before. One path we'd hate to ever take again. This is to say nothing of the other questions: "Am I ready for another baby? Can we afford one? What if it's a girl--what if it's another boy?
Those questions come later. Good questions, to be sure, but for a time when certain other things become crystal clear. The waiting period for whether or not a pregnancy will stick, whether or not there will be another child, is long and seemingly never-ending. As a result, one doesn't like to get excited or start making plans. One tries not to have any expectations other than what will be, will be.
One is lucky to be in this situation at all. One is lucky to have the possibility of bringing another life into the world, to experience that joy and magic. It's just the pangs of uncertainty that keep one from getting started with that joy, talking about the magic with others. Still one is hopeful--ever hopeful. Perhaps within a few weeks that joy will arrive and be shared with others. Plans will be made. Ideas will be hatched. Love will grow.
Until then, one tries to be strong, confident and not stressed. One tries to focus on the life one already has, which is so filled with love and joy already. One will rely on the power of positive thinking. Good luck!
Fear pic by Jimee, Jackie, Tom and Asha.