Moms and dads spend more quality time with firstborn

First of all, how do they define and quantify "quality" time with parents? Sounds very subjective to me.

Secondly, the firstborn is the one parents learn on. Like anything else, there is a learning curve with childrearing and it doesn't take as long to do it right with the second one.

Thirdly, when I'm giving my older daughter attention, her little sister is following along with our every move. She is learning and feeling the love the whole time. Moreover, anything she doesn't pick up from me will be even more readily learned from her older sister, and the motivation to learn to catch up with sis will encourage her to learn faster. There is no need for me to go over the same lessons with the little one alone. She has her unique needs but these don't require "equal time."

Fourthly, I think if anything parents these days are GUILTED into giving their elder child more attention because they keep hearing how they'll be scarred for life as a result of losing their top spot, which I think is BS based on my experience.

Fifthly, I have read studies that show that having siblings makes kids smarter, including older siblings, who benefit a lot from interacting with and teaching their younger sibs. Studies on this subject are subjective because there are so many variables that can impact the results, and if the researchers have a bias, this is going to impact how they gather their facts and what factors they control for and how. As a middle child in a family with six kids, who happens to be the highest achiever among the sibs and among all my friends and colleagues, I have been following these studies since I was a teen and the truth is that they are all faulty. Nobody should let these studies dictate their parenting style or make them feel guilty.

As I've mentioned before, the benefits of having siblings are too rarely discussed here. In my opinion - and consistent with a variety of studies - the benefits of having siblings far outweight the detriments. It is sad that, due to biased and selective reporting, so many parents think they are making a better choice for their kids by ensuring they have few or no siblings.

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Another thing. The article mentions TV as a non-quality activity that parents do more with their second, third, etc. kids. First of all, it is open to debate whether TV time with parents is non-quality time. My mom didn't let my eldest brother watch TV until he was older because she had heard and believed it was bad for kids. But then she started letting him watch and saw that his speech improved significantly as a result. Then she let the rest of the kids watch TV younger. Not because she didn't give a damn, but because she felt it was better for the kids. In addition, well-chosen TV programing can engage multiple kids at similar ages, thus teaching the kids while at the same time maintaining some order as the kids are kept busy and quiet for a while. When there's only one kid, this is less necessary. But the fact that the activity is easier for the parents doesn't make it a non-quality activity. There's a ton of bias right there that taints this study beyond redemption. I suspect there are also other activities that the researchers considered "non-quality" that I would consider quality.

Also, siblings need and desire to play together whereas an only child needs to play with his mom or dad. This doesn't mean that sibling play time is less beneficial than playing with mom or dad.

Another dynamic is that the first child is more used to one-on-one time with the parent and thus more likely to seek it out. This doesn't mean it's better.

And how did they take into account that older kids are awake for more hours than younger ones, and thus necessarily need their parents' attention while their younger siblings are asleep? Even if you only compare same-age kids in same-size households, you have to consider that when the kids are 3 and 1, the 3-year-old is needing the parent when the 1-year-old is asleep, while when the same kids are 5 and 3, they can play together during what used to be nap-time.

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Well, Hot Damn, SKL! I agree with you! These studies really do naught but fuel the guilt we as parents already feel over every decision already.

And, it is guilt. In my case, my daughter was a toddler when her brother came home from NICU, sick and needy. Her needs became very much secondary for a while. Luckily, at 2, she was very independent and self-sufficient. That made me feel guilty. So I would give her more attention. But, when I wasn't working with him, or holding him trying to make the screaming stop I felt guilty over that. I still have those feelings, and they are 3 and 5.

Eventually, you have to look past the guilt and push away all the studies that are trying to make you feel more guilty and say " I am a good parent and I am doing the best I can".

Well said, SKL.

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