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What is an Appropriate Age for Sleepovers?
Recently, my 8 year-old second grade daughter was invited to another sleepover birthday party. These invitations are always the cause of renewed disappointment for her because she knows that she will probably be the only girl who's parent's will pick her up at 9pm because we have a family rule against sleepovers. The only "sleeping over" our kids do is at their grandparents, their aunt's house and one very close family friend who is kind of like an aunt in their life. The bottom line for us when it comes to sleepovers at friends' houses is that it can become very dicey when it comes time to making decision regarding which homes we feel comfortable letting her spend the night at. Even though we live in a small town, in some cases, we simply don't know the families well. In others, we do, but do not feel that we share the same views on media and other things that will come into play at a sleepover. Here is a list of my rationale. I'd love to hear feedback from other moms.
1. If we allow her to spend the night at one child's house, it makes it much harder to explain if we have a legitimate reason for not allowing her to go to another family's house.
2. We are rather strict about what we let our 8 year old watch i.e. no Hanna Montana, High School Musical and other pre-teen/teenage shows. Most of my daughters' friends watch these shows, especially at sleepovers.
3. While our daughter wants to fit in and stay the night, we think that by 9pm she is getting plenty of birthday fun for an 8 year-old. We know the time will come when the "spending the night" part will become integral to the experience. We don't think that time has come yet, but we hope we will be wise enough to know when the time comes.
4. My husband is the District Attorney in our county. Needless to say, he is privy to the incidence of child sexual assault in our community. We know all to well that bad things happen, sometimes even in presumably "good homes". His access to this kind of information has made us a lot more protective (perhaps even paranoid).
As far as we can tell from our own experience, we are one of the only parents we know with a strict across-the-board rule about sleepovers, so I'm curious about how other families handle this issue.
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ReaderComments (Page 1 of 3)
2-26-2008 @ 10:44AM
Tracey said...My daughter is only 22 months old so I haven't had to make this decision yet but your rules sound very similar to the rules I grew up with. I only remember spending the night with my grandma, aunt, and my mom's best friend whose daughter was my best friend. I was in 7th grade the first time I got to stay the night for a slumber party with some friends from church. I remember in 3rd grade that I was the only girl that didn't go to this birthday party. Well ends up that someone had lice and everyone else in the class was potentially infected except for me. They also wouldn't let me go on a train trip in 2nd grade but they all got stranded. After those 2 things, I never worried about being the one who didn't spend the night. A lot of my friends' parents were also strict so we just had birthday parties during the day - pool party or roller skating party.
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2-26-2008 @ 10:53AM
Shannon said...I think the best route is to take time to call the host child's parents, and ask all the questions you have- what will they be watching, ect.and if it's ok to come over for a bit at the beginning of the party- make no guarentees to your girl, but pack a bag and leave it in the car. If you are satisfied with what they have offered, go hang out and get a feel for the place- your gut will tell you what's best. If you feel ok, let her stay. And maybe you will feel better about your daughter's friends if you know some of the moms :) Sleepover can be vary fun, and good for you, too, because you may get a few hours alone with th hubby. Just be ready for that late night call that she wants to come home, and don't give her a hard time about it, because sometimes, they realize that they just want their bed, no matter how much fun they are having!My girl has been to sleepovers since she was 4. She's 10 now. Good luck!
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2-26-2008 @ 11:04AM
Emma Leigh said...I don't really get your first two points. Why would you have a harder time saying no if you had a LEGITIMATE reason for saying it? Media concerns? Do you believe that one night of crappy Disney programs are going to rot her brain overnight? Doubtful.
With that said - I support you 100% of not allowing your child to do sleepovers until you are ready and feel certain that your child is in a safe environment. A co-worker of mine is planning a sleepover for her 8 year old at a hotel. I have already told her that my child won't be staying overnight. She pouted and said that my DD would be missing a lot of the fun. Oh well! She'll survive somehow.
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2-28-2008 @ 6:21PM
Nicole said...In my opinion, nothing good comes from a sleepover. When I was a child, the sleepovers that I attended taught me way more than I needed to know at 8, 9, or 10. We "pranked called" boys, toilet papered houses, watched t.v. that we knew we weren't allowed to watch, and so forth. I also remember going to sleepovers where my friends older brothers and their friends were there and we loved "flirting" with the older boys.
Anyway, here is my thing. If it is a "sleepover" and the kids truly are sleeping, why not just be home and sleep? By 9:00, the kids should have had plenty of time to play and socialize, there is no need to sleepover.
So, you are not alone. My kids are only 4 and 6 and haven't received many sleepover invitations, but when they do I will do just what you are doing. Picking up by 9:00.
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2-26-2008 @ 11:26AM
Ula said...This is a tough one. I did, after a lot of thought, allow my daughter to go to her first sleepover recently. It was a birthday party for a close friend and I do know the parents pretty well. I decided to let her go because I was comfortable with the home and I thought it would foster her independence, and well, it would be fun for her. I have a lot of great memories of having sleepovers with my friends.
I don't feel like just because I said yes this time means I always have to say yes; if I don't want her to go to a future sleepover at another house because I'm not comfortable, I will explain that to her and I'm pretty sure she will understand. And I'll pick her up at 9.
I think you just have to do what feels right for your family. There will be plenty of time for sleepovers later on if you aren't ready yet; there is nothing wrong with waiting.
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2-26-2008 @ 12:01PM
Judy said...I can see a lot of your points, but I'm confused on one.
We don't even own a TV set, and so we're pretty picky about what the kids get to watch at home. (They get DVDs on the computer or tiny-screen portable player.) Why would your limits on what they can watch matter when it comes to a sleepover? By 9 pm, they will have watched some TV most likely, so they will have probably seen something that's on your list of "do not watch." I see your points, and think everyone has a right to make these decisions for themselves, but I realize that if my kids go to another home without me, I can't control what they are and aren't going to see on TV.
And I think it's true that nothing really "good" comes from sleepovers. I remember some as a kid, and they were fun. Then there was the summer before my best friend moved away where we basically alternated whose house we stayed the night at every night. Otherwise, though, we stayed up too late, watched TV we weren't supposed to, ate crappy food, and felt awful for several days afterward.
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2-26-2008 @ 12:03PM
ninainindia said...I think your concern about what they will be watching is too much, one night of hannah montana won't hurt her. Also if you let her stay the evening they can already watch shows like that.
As long as you know the household well enough I think there is no problem with sleepovers. People saying "they'll sleep so why not at home" really don't get the fun of sleepovers.
It's the giggling, the excitement, the friendships, I'd never want to deprive my daughter of that.
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2-26-2008 @ 12:27PM
Melanie said...I'm with you all the way on this one Rachel. We are the only family we know with these rules and it does make it hard but I've explained my reasons to my children and they do seem to understand. I also don't let my children spend time talking on the phone after school. I feel they've spent enough time with friends at school & playdates no need for phone calls.
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2-26-2008 @ 12:39PM
Julie said...I first wanted to say that I really enjoy reading your blog. Next, I wanted to say that I agree with you about limiting the TV viewing. I know some other posters commented that allowing your daughter to watch the shows you don't approve of for one night isn't detrimental. The problem though, is that one night becomes two, which becomes three, and soon enough they are regularly watching shows that you don't approve of. However, I think it's ok to allow your daughter to go to one sleepover and not another. I think it's appropriate to allow her to go when you feel comfortable with the other family. As for what to tell her as to why she can't go to other sleepovers, just tell her that you want her to stay home that night and leave it at that. That's what my parents said to me when I was young.
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2-26-2008 @ 1:01PM
Judy said...My issue was that I don't understand what not allowing certain shows has to do with *sleeping over*. I get limiting TV - we don't own one. But if you allow your kids to visit other kids' homes, they *ARE* going to see things you might not approve of. And so I didn't see how it related to a sleepover, and not just to the issue of allowing kids to visit other kids without a parent present.
We're already dealing with this with our nearly 4 yo. We have friends who have a teenage son. When we go to their house, the 4 yo wants to watch the teenager play video games, which are violent. If we don't let him, he has a tantrum and we have to go home. (Okay, tantrum is a strong word ... he mopes?) If we do, then we're allowing something we don't approve of, when we are IN THE SAME HOUSE.
It's a tough one. Everyone has to handle it differently.
But what does *that* have to do with the sleepover?
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2-26-2008 @ 1:09PM
sharon said...I really like what you have to say on this topic! My son is four and he has a lot of "friends" that are girls. At this age their parents have begun to mention sleeping over... I have firmly said no and chalked it up to the fact that he likes to sleep in his own bed, which is true. But I also do not want him sleeping over anyone's house besides his grandparents! It's just our house rule, and probably will be for a long time. The other factor is that they are girls, yes they are 4, but still....
My son also has life threatening food allergies, so that is a whole other can of worms, one that I don't know how I will deal with. Feeling comfortable enough to trust someone else to feed my child, and make the correct choices is huge!!
So I really agree with you, and I love that you and your husband are able to have family rules and stick to them, even if they are not the "norm" in your area. It's not something a lot of people are able to do!
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2-26-2008 @ 1:49PM
Amber said...It does not matter what anyone else thinks. It's what your family is comfortable with. Bottom line, you don't feel comfortable with it, that's all that matters.
Maybe your daughter can have a sleep over now and then. Limit the number of kids, and you can control the situation more, while allowing her the opportunity to experience a sleep over.
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2-26-2008 @ 2:37PM
Erika said...I think your concerns are valid, but I don't think it's fair to punish the child because you don't know her friend's families enough. If your daughter has a close friend, close enough to be invited to a one-on-one sleepover or slumber party, why can't you make the effort to learn enough about her parents and household? Because I think safety/comfort is the number one issue, but it doesn't sound like your child has any say at all. I learned a lot about other families by spending the night with my friends (I was an only child in a middle class dual income household...I had friends whose parents made more and less than mine, whose fathers worked night shift, whose mothers stayed at home full time, and most had siblings which was totally new to me...not to mention being comfortable away from my home and parents, and learning to speak up for myself if I was hungry, tired, homesick). Do you allow your children to have friends over to spend the night at your house?
With all of that said, it truly is each family's decision, and I dread sending my son off for a sleepover knowing he might miss me! :o)
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2-26-2008 @ 3:26PM
Tree said..."4. My husband is the District Attorney in our county. Needless to say, he is privy to the incidence of child sexual assault in our community. We know all to well that bad things happen, sometimes even in presumably "good homes". His access to this kind of information has made us a lot more protective (perhaps even paranoid)."
That's what scares me about sleepovers too. You just never know. It will be a challenge for me to not live in fear and let my children have opportunities like sleep overs.
That said, I remember way too much crap that happened at sleepovers for me to be comfortable with them now. However, not all of them were bad, it totally depended on which friends I was with and I think that is what you need to consider the most.
I only have boys. Do they do sleepovers as much as girls do? My 2nd grader has never been invited to one yet, outside of family.
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2-26-2008 @ 3:43PM
Jen said...I hate to be a lone dissenting voice amongst all you young mothers but I stumbled on this entry about sleepovers and I am just appalled by the whole conversation. Ladies GET REAL. you sound like such angst-ridden people. You are scared of everything.. TV, sexual predators. other people, other ideas, and worst of all you are terrified of losing even one iota of control over you children's childhood experience. This parental paranoia breeds two things in children: contempt and secrecy. Children sense your fear of everything so that when they get to adolescence they simply close you out and continue about their business of exploring the world without sharing with you, mainly because they can't be bothered with all the fear and handwringing about everything. For goodness sake give up the terror of other families, the pathological desire to control every last drop of their lives, what they see, what they hear and even - think about this- what they are allowed to know about. That is not what parenting is, though the media truly seems to encourage it.
I have raised two wonderful young people, both of whom had numerous sleep overs, watched lots of TV, played video games, stayed up late, etc. One is on the way to becoming a doctor and the other wants to do humanitarian work in Africa. We had great fun with them right through early childhood and now through teenage years. Parenting would NOT have been fun and my kids would not be the people they are if I had spent my time agonizing about ridiculous rules with regard to sleep overs and TV and candy and on and on and on. Both my kids know kids with parents like you and let me tell you, teenage years have not been fun for them.
My over-all message: stop treating your kids like small animals which need controlling. They do have brains. What message are you sending with the NO SLEEPOVERS rule? I can tell you this is what they are learning :the world outside our home, and most people in it, should be feared. Be afraid, be very afraid, do not connect with others, assume no one can be trusted, anything different is wrong, I could go on but you get the point (I hope).
What happens to your relationship with your kid when they find out that they don't have to be afraid of everything? They will look at you with contempt, or worse they will be completely paranoid like you.
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3-30-2008 @ 7:38AM
kim said...I have to agree with Jen. I find parents are so overly involved and controlling that their children can't grow up. Its ok not to allow sleepovers if that is your family rule but trying to shield them from reality is just going to get your child into more trouble later on and become a child who can not deal with what life throws her/him. BTW...I have 3 children, hubby is a police officer.
2-26-2008 @ 4:27PM
Melanie said...Wow Jen you seem to have some pent up rage. Forgive those of us who try to raise our children with proper morals and values.
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3-03-2008 @ 12:26AM
isisaquaria said...She (Jen) is right to a degree--alot of the blogs are so full of over protectiveness that I worry greatly about this generation when they become adults. The first time they get to watch more than an hr of TV, they will quit working to stay home and catch up. No we don't watch it daily here either, but damn....
The first sleepover at 12? By then, kids quit inviting those who haven't been before and the deep friendships are formed---and the child left out for safety, will be left out socially.
From a parents view, if you don't allow you child to come over at least somewhat more than the article mentions here--the offensive could be taken. What do you have against my kid or against me? Especially in the cause of the DA's kid--most people will begin to think that you think you are too good for common folk. Small towns are the worst, if you ain't part of something young, good luck when your older.
2-26-2008 @ 4:43PM
Melanie said...I think sleepovers are great, at the right age. I think I went to my first sleep over that wasnt a family member around 12. With that being said, my mom always knew the parents. They were close friends and someones house I had visited numerouse times. While I understand the not wanting your kids to see certain shows ( and your list I totally agree with) for me that isnt a reason not to let her go. The age and the sexual pred. thing would be my reasons. I loved spending the nights with my girlfrieds, but I do think 8 is young.
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2-26-2008 @ 4:55PM
sylvia said...I have two kids under the age of four so I'm not quite there yet but I'm with you 100%. My mom was super strict with me and I only spent the night at my best friends house and I was in High School. My best friend mom and my mom were both strict but they were close because we were. Now having my own kids I understand why she was the way she was. I never asked her because I knew the answer was going to be "NO". We live in different times, there are pervs and sexual predetors EVERYWHERE! Our neighbors who we don't talk to much have three kids 5,4,and 3 and they love to come and play with my 4 yr old but I won't let him play over there. My husband thinks that I'm way to overprotective and I told him that ONE time you turn away thats when something is gonna happen. I guess if you don't mind let her friends spend the night. Its so hard to trust people when you hear of these very sad things happening to young boys and girls. My mom would let me have my friends over but I couldn't go over to their houses and I was happy cause she at least let me have my friends over.
One day she will understand your choices and I'll bet she'll thank you for them!
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