The #1 reason why people use TV as the babysitter

As I also planned to not let my son watch TV until he was older, I was sucked in by the Baby Einstein DVDs my Aunt sent me when he was born. When I needed a shower, a meal, a trip to the bathroom, etc., BE was there to entertain and distract my darling son.

As he has evolved into a toddler, he has a keen appreciation for Veggie Tales and Sesame Street - and so do I. Because, although it's a nice idea to think that he would be a great housework helper and sous chef, he is only 20 months old, and would much rather hide in the cupboards, "kiss" the dog (with tongue, no less) and throw clean laundry on the floor than "help" me do my mommy chores.

I hardly think an hour or two - spread out over the day, mind you - will ruin his brain. Quite the contrary, he's a singing, dancing, mocking machine - courtesy of the exposure he gets to other children, monsters, etc. through those educational programs!

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This is a tough (and touchy) topic. It makes moms feel guilty. But no one has ever parented your child for you, and no one can know your tolerance for noise, activity, chaos, pulling on your pant legs, the yet-another-game-of-Candyland. Don't let someone else's decision about tv, breastfeeding, meals, bedtime or whatever make you feel badly about your decision. If you don't like what your family does, consider a change. But don't feel badly just because other moms on the web do it differently.

While I do not begrudge those who have quiet tv time (especially getting daytime sex?!) I chose to keep my kids away from tv while they were little. Now that the youngest is four, we're allowing a bit. However, they aren't very interested. There isn't anything in their day that they're willing to give up in order to fit in tv. We've watched things I'm tivo-ing for them when its too rainy to go out, or as a family on Friday nights occasionally, but they aren't hooked and I'm not sure they will get hooked at this point. I watch tv every night after they go to bed. TV is not evil. Too much screen time, however, happens easily. I think it's a slippery slope and the 30 minutes of a day becomes 30 minutes of tv, 30 minutes of computer/educational games, 30 minutes of wii....

Our decision came accidentally; I didn't decide to keep them away from tv before they were born. I'd never watched daytime tv (I'd been at work!) so I didn't turn it on for my baby. When he saw one he'd look briefly but not long enough for me to think it could be useful. I remember a week or two with each child when morning nap went away and suddenly I had a screaming child holding open the shower curtain while I tried to wash myself as quickly as possible. I could have set them in front of the tv; it would probably have been the simplest idea. However, I held out and they got over it. I didn't have a year of torture, only a few weeks. That said, listening to my child scream every day for more than a few weeks would probably have led me to seek another solution. I can't say that tv wouldn't have been among the tricks I would have tried.

Do not attack or scorn those who parent differently. Their way might work best for them.

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Christina, You really shouldn't judge other people's parenting choices. That's not what this site was designed for. Your only child is in daycare all day, your spouse helps around the house (as does mine, but that is often not the case). As I said, you really should judge.

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It must be nice to have someone who helps with the chores, especially the ones that I don't feel comfortable letting little hands assist with. But when you are the only one at home in the evening, when the cooking/laundry/etc need to be done, letting the little one watch 20 minutes of Blue's Clues if she so desires is not something I choose to feel guilty about.

Must be nice also to have your spouse THERE to go and spend some "quality time" with!

Everybody's situation is unique. You may not have meant it to, but your post came across as quite judgmental, on a subject people already tend to be defensive about.

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You know, this single condescending sanctimonious post may have turned me off of Parent Dish forever.

Like someone else said, does it hurt reaching around patting yourself on the back?

I let my children watch a lot of TV. Neither one of them is a drooling, lifeless idiot. They are both active, healthy, creative, and imaginative kids. Neither of them has trouble concentrating or completing age appropriate tasks.

My situation is a little different than most of your readers. I live in a foreign country where English is not the main language. Of course, I use English with my kids. However, I also allos them to watch English TV shows and DVDs for frivilous reasons like so they will be able to hear natural English from other sources too and thus communicate with half of their extended family!

I also let them watch tv so I can get housework, cooking, and so forth done. Unlike you with just the one, I have two kids who are far enough apart in age that they simply cannot do the same things. The younger one wants to do the stuff the older one does, but it isn't always safe for him so to keep screaming, crying, and fighting to a minimum and preserve my own sanity I don't really let either of them help me much right now.

As for time with my husband, he leaves for work at 6:30 a.m. and never gets home before 10. Never! Weekdays the kids don't even get to see him, and depending on how exhausted I am I might not either. Weekends are spent focused on the kids because they need his attention more than I do.

My family is half way around the world. Help from my in laws is no help at all. They just make things more difficult for me. Baby sitters or day cares where I live cost about $20 an hour per child. My friends are all in the same boat with me, so they can't be of much help. The TV is the only available and affordable baby sitter I have.

My point with this it that you have no idea what situations and problems other people are dealing with so you have no right to judge anyone about anything. Your way is not the only way! I think every mother makes the best decisions she can for her children given the circumstances in which she finds herself. Who are you to say they are wrong or question them?

Or are you looking for someone to praise you and make you feel better about your own choices?

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It just occurred to me that when we had trouble teaching my son his alphabet, when he absolutely refused to work with me on that and would get mad and push away so that he could go play, it was a DVD, recommended on ParentDish (then Blogging Baby) that actually taught him his alphabet, his upper and lower cases and the phonetic sounds of the letters. His teacher says he is by far the smartest kid in the class (and she told me because we are having a few in class discipline issues stemming from the fact that he is ahead of his classmates and isn't getting enough intellectual stimulation).

So, pfffffft to your attitude that parents who let their kids watch TV/DVDs regularly are doing something reprehensible.

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Hmmm, I didn't get the judgmental tone at all. Then again, I don't own a TV.

However, they do get to watch a DVD or (the older one) play on the computer just about every day, for 1-2 hours. (On a bad day, the might get more, but that doesn't happen often.)

The reason we got rid of the TV was largely because we're not going to pay for cable, and couldn't pick up anything with an antenna, so it was useless - why set it up at all? We can watch DVDs on the computer or the portable player.

I do think it's kind of surprising that it's used by so many people to "get stuff done." I use it for some "quiet time" usually - a break for me. When the almost 2yo naps, the almost 4 yo gets his "screen time" and I get to read, write in my journal, or even nap for 20 minutes myself!

Is it ideal? No, probably not. But Word World has gotten him interested in reading and writing (he's sounding out words all over the place now) and we haven't left the kids with any kind of a sitter in nearly a year now, so it's the only break I get.

As with all things, it's finding a balance.

I do admit I find it odd when parents seem proud of the fact that their kid will sit quietly and watch TV for long periods. (This happened to me this past weekend.) I'm never sure what to say to that.

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While I do agree with most about the tone of the post, it shouldn't affect how you choose to raise your child(ren). If it did, mine would have a full-time nanny, my husband and I would be snippy and the kids would be in bed before we could have any family time. These post are meant to show different views and garner information from others that might be helpful. I do not truly get upset unless personally attacked which is rare--but you cannot let it stop you from sharing something about yourself or someone you know--that tidbit may help another person.

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I've followed the comments to see where most people stand on the issue. I see I'm not the only one who interpreted the post as critical.

For each ParentDish post, I look for the "value add"---how is this going to help me in my parenting. Concrete tips are usually best, and I think Christina made an attempt, but failed. Mostly what came across was the critical tone. But I realize on reflecting on past posts, that she just has different priorities. She has said that she can't possibly see staying at home with her child. She says her house is a mess by the time the weekend arrives. She talks about having trouble managing stress. These are the very things that many people use TV for....to deal with these issues. But in her mind, TV is just a no-no, not matter what. That's where the difference lies. And I admire that stance, based on the scientific studies that have come out.

But.........

What nags me is that I see a somewhat "easy" solution to these problems....TV. And yet what the scientists discuss as problems, I have no anecdotal evidence for. So many kids I see were raised with plenty of TV and are intelligent, creative and motivated, even over-achievers within their peer group.

So who am I to believe?

Even though I am a believer in scientific results, I cannot deny what I see in my own personal experience. For that reason, in my heart of hearts, I think that TV in an of itself is alright, until you see behavior that says differently.

And as with everything else, there's usually a fine line into the "dark side". That my friends, is the tricky part.

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Wow considering 97% said they use it for babysitting to do things like cook dinner seems like the entire 3% who don't are here. So someone is lying.

I do because we have a small kitchen barely big enough for 2. But now that he is older 4.5 he is starting to help a little. But that means my dd 15 can't help because there just isn't room in the kitchen.

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I know that if I worked full time that the TV time in our house would be way down. But, I am the SAHM of a two year old that gets up at 6:30, doesn't nap, and doesn't go to bed until 7:00 or 8:00. I honestly would lose my mind without a little tube time. She does 'help' with chores and meal prep, but I need a little me time.. thirty minutes or an hour to read a magazine or a book, so hello Curious George.

Sure, I feel a little guilty about it and respect those that can manage without the TV, but it just wouldn't work for me.

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Many of you people are irrevocably disturbed. So many of you drone incessantly about "doing what is right for your family." And then you get huffy when someone makes a declaration about what works for her particular family!

I think you all may be suffering from cognitive dissonance: You've always held yourselves out as anything-goes, whatever-feels-good people, but now that you've had kids you see that there is a right and a wrong way to parent. And that makes you sooo uncomfortable, because your beliefs do not match your actions.

I scorn those of you who "feel like a bad parent" because of something some anonymous person writes on the web. The thing is, you probably ARE a bad parent. Change your ways, or don't change them. But don't let writers/commentors make you "feel like a bad parent." That gives us way too much power.

What many of you want, the internet cannot offer. You want a cuddly, war-fuzzy board on which people praise you to the high heavens for deviant parenting, disguised as "doing what works for your family." This is the internet - hell, this is life! - and there will always be people who upset you, incite you, inflame you. Respond harshly to those people; do not whine about how bad they made you feel, and do not be effusive in your response. The worst characteristic on this board is the wrtiers'/commentors' constant effusiveness. Be firm and unapolegetic in your statements. If you cannot, the internet is really not an appropriate venue for you.

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Wow - you're harsh. It's tough for the rest of us when we're judged by the perfect, patient parents. Good grief. I'm glad to know your child helps with the housework and never ever watches TV. My first son never watched TV either - until he got a little brother with health issues. That hour of TV he got was a treat for him and some time for me to focus on one kid or fold some laundry. Now my 3 kids watch a few hours a week - almost never on a school day when they've gone to extended day - The limit is usually an hour of screen time - after their homework is done and their laundry put away. They'd like it if I sit with them and watch - but I'm usually being a bad mom and cleaning up the kitchen (dirty from making cranberry bread w/my son). You know - saying that we let our kids watch TV - doesn't necessarily mean our kids spend all day in front of the TV.

Wow - I just can't get past the tone. Usually I can ignore the you're a bad mom if you do this posts - but this really strikes a nerve.

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Thank you queenoqueens! We need more of that on this board - direct, to the point, genuine. I don't really get the cartoon character comment; from the context of the rest of your comment I infer that it's an insult, but I don't see what's insulting about it. I guess you could be implying that I'm a caricature. Can you clarify what you mean? I think you might have a clever point that I'm overlooking, and I wanna be be'clevered! In answer to your question, I'd say that perception is reality and if you perceive me as a cartoon character, a cartoon character I am. Which one do you see me as? I don't really know of any cartoon characters except for Pluto, Daffy, and Mickey, so you might have to give an explanation along with a name.

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Christina -- I just reread what I posted yesterday. Talk about a time when I should've deleted before sending! It's not a good excuse, but I was in a bad mood already and your post just hit an already frayed nerve. My apologies for the harsh words.

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Mel-

You asked, so here's the answer.

I asked if you were a cartoon character because your comments make you seem 2 dimensional. Not that of a 3 dimensional human that understands how another human can question if they're making a bad parenting choice.

As a 3D human myself, I can understand how this would happen. So I don't scorn others for being insecure, or call them bad parents. Reacting to a real or perceived crticism is human. At least that's what I read in "How to be a 3D Human: For Dummies".

In actuality, I think the odds are low that you are a cartoon. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and say you are someone who is pretty confident of themselves, and aren't sympathetic to human frailty. You think you can help by speaking harshly and that will "whip" people into shape and make them pull themselves up by their bootstraps. Sometimes "helpful words" are hard to recognize.

My gut reaction when I see someone comment that harshly, is that I'm dealing with a bully. So I say something back because a bully causes damage and needs to be stopped.

And on that armchair pscyhology note, I'm spent. That concludes the Q&A portion of today's session. Thank you and good night.

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I wasn't talking about Christina's post anymore. I was just saying you were unnecessarily rude and pointless based on the quote below.

You said: "I scorn those of you who "feel like a bad parent because of something some anonymous person writes on the web. The thing is, you probably ARE a bad parent."

Your comments have lots of conviction, but zero finesse when it comes to expressing it to other humans. Rock on with your bad self!

Are you an objectivist by any chance?







You are either an objectivist, or someone with a future in right wing radio. Good luck.

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