Should a parent appologize for a child's rude behavior?

by Christina Sbarro (Subscribe to Christina Sbarro's posts) Feb 28th 2008 3:30PM

Categories: Fun & Activities, Development

While waiting in a coffee shop the other day for my to-go order to be prepared, I took a seat in a comfy armchair and started flipping through magazines. On the table beside me, I put my pocketbook and two bottled drinks I just bought. A few minutes later I was startled from my magazine by an adorable blond pig-tailed little girl, probably around three years old, maybe a couple months younger. She'd come up in front of me and was pointing out some feature on the wall to our right--the plant maybe, or a picture, I wasn't really paying attention. I smiled. It's my first response when approached by kids. But apparently this little one saw my smile as an invitation to never leave me alone again. She started talking to me. Asking me questions, scooting closer, until her body was pressed up against my knee.

Starting to feel rather awkward I began scanning the coffee shop for the whereabouts of her caregiver. I mean, a friendly hello is one thing. An entire conversation with a random three year old is another. Not to mention that at this point she had physically reached out, picked up my pocket book and tried to open it before I gently removed it from her hands. She then went for my beverages, trying to pick them up one after the other, twisting the tops. Again I gently removed them, muttering that they weren't for her to touch, but at this point I was kind of feeling invaded and annoyed.

Her mother eventually did meander across the room, but instead of apologizing for her child's in my opinion rude behavior, she just hovered nearby, snapping occasionally at her daughter if she tried to touch my stuff again.

Was I wrong to expect the mother to apologize for her child's behavior? Even if her child had a learning disability or handicap--which is what I always consider when I make generalizations about a child's behavior--the mother could have said something simple like, "She's really working on respecting other people's space" or "She still doesn't quite get that it's not okay to touch other people's stuff," and all would have been well and good. Or?

Comments (15)

Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)

Ethel 2-28-2008 @ 3:55PM

I expect you could want a lot of things from that mom, but if that girl is acting that way in the first place there are some seriously not cool things going on in her household. The little girl at age 3 should have some basics in boundaries, such as folks you don't know you leave alone unless you are introduced to them. About as creepy to me as the toddler who was encouraged, and on his own, to hug EVERYONE, and I do mean everyone.

You can expect an apology, but with that kind of behavior from the little girl I would not ever expect it.

ninainindia 2-28-2008 @ 7:57PM

I'm sorry but if a child acts friendly and doesn't know personal boundaries yet "something very uncool is going on in her household"?

I hate the way nowadays people overreacted to everything. This was just a small child trying to make contact with another human being, she was being nice and not rude. She shouldn't have touched your belongings but she's a small child that may not know that yet.

Anna S. 2-28-2008 @ 5:01PM

Just be incredibly grateful it was you, and not some jerk that might have walked off with that child the mother so obviously wasn't watching. My daughter is almost 3 years old, and I would definitely apologize if she had been bothering you but then again, she probably wouldn't have spoken to you, as she knows better. That mother hasn't taught her daughter anything about strangers...super SCARY!!

ame s 2-28-2008 @ 5:54PM

I was thinking the same thing!

SKL 2-28-2008 @ 5:19PM

I am surprised that mothers would feel so intolerant toward a pleasant but inquisitive three-year-old - if indeed she was that old (not like you can tell these days, some of them look twice their age). She's just a wee person; of course she is still learning her boundaries. For her to qualify as "rude," I would think she had spoken to you in a disrespectful tone or deliberately smashed your donut. This child was being friendly, not rude.

I think it would be appropriate for her mom to come over and gently remove the child while telling her that we don't go over to other people's tables without being invited, and smile at you and say sorry. And it would be appropriate for you to take a more positive attitude toward the next child who approaches you.

As for her not being afraid of strangers, that is not at all odd. My sister used to go up and kiss everyone's butt when she was that age (because that's how tall she was). My parents would try to talk her out of it, especially, e.g., at church, as she kissed a hundred butts that were trying to exit the church, but she did not understand. But yes, the mom should have been watchful of her child lest a weirdo was hanging out there; on that point I agree with you.

Mel 2-28-2008 @ 5:31PM

The issue of safety has been raised, without merit. There is no indication that the mother failed to teach the girl not to talk to strangers - likely, the mother taught her to stay away from strange *men* not women. My kids know better than to talk to a stange male, but they often approach females.

Also: The writer felt "invaded" by the little girl??!!!

isisaquaria 2-28-2008 @ 5:41PM

I agree with SKL on this one--the child was just that. The invaded commentor emotional response was too much. Should the mother pay closer attention YES because the world is that kinda of place now, should she have redirected the child better YES using the incident as a boundary lesson. But the reaction is over the top to me-

ame s 2-28-2008 @ 5:54PM

If I were in a coffee shop, without my children, and someone else's child not only came over and insinuated themselves into my personal space but also began touching my belongings, I would be irked, too!
The mother of that child evidently needs someone to appologize over HER behavior, or lack thereof.
Last fall, my family adjusted our budget and saved for theatre tickets to see The Lion King. For the four of us, including travel, food, programs, t-shirts for the kids, it was a $400+ venture.
There was a little boy behind us, 4ish, who began to kick one of my daughter's seats as soon as he sat down. Looks from me and my dughter to the little boy and his mother went un-noticed. I put my arm LOW on the back of her seat, thinking that would be a hint. He kicked my arm and managed to pull my hair with his shoe several times while kicking my seat. Mom continued to be oblivious to our "looks". This child talked and talked LOUDLY through the first half of the show, even drowning out the singing in some parts of the show. Hubby finally had enough, turned around and politely said "He is being far too loud. Keep it down, please." This brought an indignant "Humph!" from said mother, as though she just could not believe we were not as enchanted with every word that came out of her little darling's mouth as she was.
They were out of the theatre before the curtain call ended.

Sabrina 2-28-2008 @ 5:59PM

I understand the "invaded" feeling that comes with unknown children getting too close to you. For me it has more to do with the knowledge that his/her parents don't know me from Adam, and are likely to freak out any second. I generally try to smile pleasantly and move away from unaccompanied little kids, while simultaneously looking for the kids parents to assure myself that I didn't just abandon a lost child. I watch my kids like a hawk, and I cannot understand why anyone wouldn't, considering that there are bad people out there, and you just never know who is ok and who isn't. My 3 year old is generally afraid of strangers ad doesn't talk to them, but other kids in her class are willing to go up to anyone and start a conversation. I think it has as much to do with a child's personality as it does with their parents educating them about safety.

Uly 2-28-2008 @ 8:25PM

I would say sorry, and tried to remove my child. But most of the time, when I do, I hear "Oh, it's all right, she's not harming anything". Why even bother, if people are just going to contradict and undermine me anyway?

JenniferW 2-28-2008 @ 7:53PM

Oh my. I think that definitely falls under rude behavior of the parent. One for not teaching their child manners and boundaries, and two for not paying attn to their kid in a public place!

My son isn't yet two, and LOVES to wave and say hi to people everywhere. It's cute right now and usually makes people smile, but I realize not everyone is desiring a small child near them. They might be at the coffee shop to find peace from their own kids! So while my son might get away from me for 30 seconds, until I catch up, I still apologize for him bothering the person.

I'm stunned that the child was in your purse and touching your beverages. In my pre-child days (& possibly now), I would've told the mom to teach her child better manners.

nancy 2-29-2008 @ 7:50PM

sounds like the girl gets absolutely NO attention from her own mom and was trying to get it from you. how sad!

courtney 2-29-2008 @ 10:56AM

I think a parent should most definitely apologize for their Child’s rude behavior. In this case the little girl wasn't necessarily being rude…mostly just being a toddler. But her mother on the other was being extremely rude for not reigning in her child. Not to mention the safety issues, like you are a stranger. It’s one thing to let your child say hello, it’s quite another for them to have full on conversations that involve physical contact with strangers. I have no problem apologizing for my children’s behavior because they are children after all and I do feel their behavior is a direct reflection on me as a parent.

Jessica 2-29-2008 @ 2:42PM

I am just sittin ghere with my jaw open because you characterized herbehavior as rude. It's not like she was 12 and trying to go through your purse. She is a little child.

Yes, her mother should have apologized and yes, her mother shouldbe teaching her about boundries. But Geez, Christina.

I am shaken up the past two days by your posts. I don't recall being so irritated by your posts before.

I am also alarmed by the fact that the child is not being taught safety issues. And, Mel, I think you're doing your child a disservice. Females can be strange and dangerous too.

Laura 3-04-2008 @ 9:14AM

I would probably call over and ask if she was bothering you and if you gave any indication she was I'd go get her. If you had smiled and waved at me that she wasn't a bother I'd be grateful for a minute to get my items from the vendor. I'd probably come then and thank you graciously for keeping an eye on her, it's been one of those days.. I'm sorry if she bothered you. If I could tell she had touched something you had purchased I'd quickly offer to replace it.

My son has autism and I'm grateful that he can sometimes reach out and make contact with others. I am pretty good about sizing up people and so is my son. He will shy away from people that I have a feeling wouldn't be good to be around. If he approached you I would just assume you were a kind person.

Myself? I LOVE kids. Whenever I see a child I smile, unless the child is being very naughty obviously. Any time a child has taken an interest in me I embrace it and try and make it known that not every stranger is out to get you! If a kid needs help with something, I help.. I was just at the store and a little girl was trying to get some pink bread topping from a shelf. I asked her which one she needed and got it for her. She didn't say thank you, just ran off. I wasn't offended... she was probably taught not to talk to strangers or was embarrassed someone had to help her, etc. I certainly wouldn't assume she's not raised properly.

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