Children's manners

by Trish Robinson (Subscribe to Trish Robinson's posts) Mar 1st 2008 5:00PM

When my son was younger, he would have friends over or play with kids in the neighborhood and I would give them all snacks, drinks, and let them come in and out of the house while they played, never reprimanding any of them. Oh the times, they are a changin'.

My son rides bikes with a few kids a few streets over and there is one boy who comes over here under the disguise of asking Kyle to go bike riding, and within 15 minutes, is encouraging Kyle to come back inside and play video games. I tolerated it for awhile, until the boy started dictating to me what snacks to buy for his next visit.

"I don't really like Rice Krispie treats, can you buy some Ding Dongs?" He asked me.

In the past, I would have probably been nice and picked up some Ding Dongs the next time I bought snacks, no big deal, right? Well, when he was giving me his shopping list, a thought occurred to me. This kid was never invited over in the first place. So, I sent them outside and told him, "If you don't like Rice Krispie treats, maybe you can run home and get a snack and come back later?"

I also keep water bottles in the refrigerator and buy those individual packs of lemonade (which are awesome and so easy). I was informed that I should be buying a different kind and a different flavor, because he doesn't like lemonade and he sometimes gets thirsty when he comes over.

I laughed at that one. This boy stays home alone quite often and he is literally starving when he comes over here to play with Kyle. I have fed him many times because he will sometimes knock on the door, claiming to want to ride bikes when he is really only wanting something to eat. I thought that would make him gracious and thankful, but the last time I grilled hamburgers, he told me he didn't like the buns with sesame seeds and to please buy him some seedless buns.

My refusal to cater to his needs has not prevented him from stopping by. I do feel sorry for him, because he has no structure at home, no supervision, and even left for several hours without anything to eat. These things really should not excuse rude behavior, though, and I'm hoping my son might be a positive influence for him. We'll see.

Is it really necessary to cater to the neighborhood or just feed them what's available and send them outside? I think I fall somewhere in the middle of this issue. I keep snacks around or usually have cookies or something baked but I don't take orders and run a restaurant for the neighborhood.

Comments (11)

Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)

Sam 3-01-2008 @ 6:04PM

It's a real pity this boy's parents haven't taught him to do his best to eat what's being served by others, but my answer to 'guests' making special requests that don't involve food allergies or putting sauce on the side or making a quick and easy substitution with things we have on hand is: "This is what we eat in this house."

I also wonder about this business of being left "without food." A young teenager is plenty old enough to cook a meal for himself, and with how picky he seems to be, I wonder if it's a case of him preferring to eat someone else's junk food than to make himself a pot of spaghetti.

Karen 3-01-2008 @ 6:54PM

I have a similar situation. Only the boys in question are kindergarten and 2nd grade. I try to have food for them and have been known to make them grilled cheese and such. I know they are hungry. But while they aren't disrespectful, they don't always use manners until I point it out. I'm convinced they like our structure though.

But I've noticed that kids in general seem to have no problem opening my frig, opening my pantry and making requests for food, and requesting specific restaurants like Outback and Japanese Steakhouses when I say I'm taking them out to eat (what happened to pizza?).

It really bugs me and I tell my children if they ever act that way at someone else's house I will tan their hides!

d. 3-04-2008 @ 8:10AM

um. in canada there is a law that no child under the age of 10 should be without adult supervison and the parent can be charged with child abandonment should this be ongoing for hours at a time. of course as with most laws there is some discretion on part of the officer. but they do enforce it. also i knew a parent who was charged after leaving 12 yr old for long periods and overnights as he would not attend school and would stay up all night playing video games eating chips or shoplifted food.
anyway just thought i would share.
it could be innocent or it could be the sign of a more serious issue at home

Eva 3-01-2008 @ 7:35PM

Of course you shouldn't cater. You are doing the right thing. I can't believe he talks like that to you! Goodness.

Uly 3-01-2008 @ 8:18PM

How old is he? Kids of a certain age never do have manners, do they? I'd just reply with "Well, I prefer this snack. If you want something else, you have to ask your mother. It's not polite to criticize what other people give you nicely, you know that. Here you go, now run out and play."

Every time, that exact same script. Even very stupid people catch on when you do that.

emjaybee 3-01-2008 @ 9:23PM

Have you talked to his parents, or met them? Because that seems like something they should know (that he seems hungry a lot). Assuming they care.

It sounds like you're doing the right thing by not catering to him, but it's hard not to feel sorry for a lonely kid. He may want to eat, but you might consider that he also might like *being around you*, if he's lonely. Asking you for special food might be rudeness---or it might be his excuse to talk to you and get attention. Same with staying in the house. Kids whose parents don't pay them a lot of attention will often do whatever they can to get attention elsewhere; I knew kids like that growing up.

Maybe you should give him some chores to do!

SKL 3-01-2008 @ 10:26PM

My younger brother was a wanderer. From age six to ten or so he would not come home from school (it was walking distance) but would walk to some friend's house - sometimes a mile or two - and not bother to come home until 10pm. This happened pretty much every day. He was warned and punished, talked to about manners, etc., but was very headstrong. There was nothing wrong with our home - the other 5 kids and their friends all gathered there contentedly, and there was always someone home for him - there was plenty of food and he was able to make his own concoctions if he didn't like ours - but I am sure the folks he visited after school must have thought he was neglected or abused or something.

Marcia 3-02-2008 @ 12:22PM

I would just set out some peanut butter and jelly and tell him if he's hungry make his own sandwich. I wouldn't be catering to someone else's kid that wasn't invited over in the first place. If he continues to be rude, I'd talk to his mother even if you just casually mention 'Your boy sure does like to eat a lot when he's over!' without just confronting her directly which could throw her on the defensive.

Jessica 3-03-2008 @ 10:31AM

You have a perfect opportunity to teach him some manners. Not that it is your job.

I, personally, would no longer allow him in the house if he didn't follow some basic manner rules. If you think it would embarrass him to be confronted directly by you, talk to your son and tell him to talk to the kid about how he is allowed to speak to his mother.

Laura 3-04-2008 @ 7:38AM

I agree with all replies but my heart just aches for him.. I just feel for a kid who isn't being taken care of. Maybe he's not abused or neglected but for some reason he doesn't want to be home. Someone is right, he may just like YOU! I know I had a friend growing up and her dad and I got along so well. My dad was a drink and was always gone and looking back, I think I chose him as my father figure to replace mine. I was never abused or neglected.. in fact our house was one all the kids would gravitate towards to use and abuse, but I preferred my friend's house a lot of the time.

Then again, my mom did know where I was and talked to my friend's parents as well. At the very least I'd try and arrange a casual chat with the boy's parents and explain that you care a lot about him since he seems to like visiting but that right now times are tough and you aren't sure you can keep affording to feed him all the time. They might give more insight or even offer to buy some things to have at your place? I know my mom ALWAYS offered to send money or food to my friend's parents! She also made sure I had some money on me for 'emergency' only which was to pay for admission to the swimming pool, or to a special park, etc so that my friend's parents weren't burdened by paying for me.

My mom raised me to be respectful and polite. If I didn't like a rule, I could go home simple as that!

denese 3-05-2008 @ 1:49AM

my mom would have kicked that kid's butt back to his house and then kicked his parents' butts.

although i know i considered a few of my high school friends' homes & families extensions of my own, i think this kid might be taking your generosity too far. i never would have expected my friends' parents to feed my whims, and my friends likewise, unless it was a prearranged sleepover including dinner and breakfast. but even then i didn't know anyone who had enough gall or just plain bad manners to refuse anything offered or request anything not offered.

i applaud your patience and diplomacy! have you asked your son for more details on his friend's home life and if it has any influence on his behavior? or maybe the friend thinks his requests are charming or perhaps he doesn't realize your perception of his somewhat inappropriate comments? maybe the next time he comes over you can establish some solid ground rules. the boys' snack options are this or that and you're not going to listen to any suggestions.

you're the adult in charge and by providing snacks in the first place, you're obviously doing a lot more than many other parents. does your son receive similar treatment when (if?) he goes over to the boy in question's as well as his other friends' homes? while you possibly may be providing a much-needed, responsible, structured safe haven for your demanding guest, please don't let yourself get taken advantage of.

How To Submit Photos:
If you'd like your children (any age will do!) featured on ParentDish, upload photos into the ParentDish Flickr Pool. Be sure to read our main Flickr page for more information.