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Just say no
Filed under: Babies, Health & Safety: Babies, Development/Milestones: Babies
Everything I've read and heard and been told has strongly advised me to NOT say "no" to my child. Pediatricians, child psychologists, the Internet--you name it, these folks all say no to "no." My husband and I joke about this constantly because it's nearly impossible.
From what I understand, "no" is only to be used when there is danger present--such as your kid preparing to tongue a light socket or touch a hot skillet on the stove. "No" is not to be used for the ten thousand other things your kid is constantly doing now that he's super-mobile. I guess saying "no" simply teaches kids to say it right back to you even sooner.
"No" is hard for me to let go of. I have two dogs, and "no" is a big part of their lives. "No," in fact, works pretty well with dogs. It doesn't always work for babies though. Mine just looks at me when a "no" slips out and usually smiles or laughs and/or continues on with whatever he's doing that I'd rather he not.
My husband laughs about what sorts of things we're supposed to say instead of "no." He asks if we're supposed to say things like, "I'd really rather you find another activity than continue to pull all my hardback books off the shelves." At least, lengthy as that is, it would teach our son more vocabulary.
I try not to say it, but occasionally it slips out anyway. Then I feel sort of bad. Then I get over it. I try to pick the kid up, move him to another area and another activity and hope for the best. Ten times out of ten he's back doing what he is not supposed to be doing before I can even sit down. So, sorry, but sometimes he gets a firm "no." And sometimes it actually works.
Any ideas what else we might do to avoid using this old standby? I'm tired of hearing myself say--or think--the word "no!"
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ReaderComments (Page 1 of 1)
3-12-2008 @ 10:39AM
Jennifer said...I hear comments like yours all the time. The best thing to do is state the fact: "The books stay on the shelf." And then move him, like you do, to another area; and the moment he starts going back to the books: "Stop. I'm not going to let you pull my books off the shelf. Go back to your blocks." It's not a matter, necessarily, of not saying no; it's more a matter of "what do I do then?"
The best description I ever heard was this: You're working in an office and the boss hands you a file to put in the filing drawer; he tells you "Don't put it in alphabetically, and don't put it in numerically." Okay, so where do I put it?
A child doesn't know what to do with "No". So, if you must say no, make sure to follow up with what he can do: "No, the books stay on the shelf. These are the books you can read."
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3-12-2008 @ 10:52AM
RobMonroe said...The first thing I learned while training a puppy was not to use the word NO unless there was danger. I thought it silly at the time, but realized there was good basis. If you overuse NO it will become a useless word.
I believe that the goal is about the same. What you do instead is use their name as a distraction and move them onto something else. Dog has a shoe instead of a rawhide brings on "Maggie - chew on this" (while handing a rawhide. Dog is running into the street brings on "NO Maggie." It is more of an attention getter because of the tone of the word, combined with volume.
We avoid using NO and have done okay with it so far. Abby (the baby, not a dog) has gotten into things she should not, and we use her name and then substitute her unsafe behavior for something we would rather her do. This usually involves moving her from one place to another until we can resolve the issue to begin with.
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3-12-2008 @ 11:20AM
Amy said...Ummmm... You're not supposed to say "no"? Really? Because we were just talking parenting with Dr. Dave (a psychologist) last night, and he was telling us that kids NEED to learn social consequences, how to deal with the real world, etc.
Unless you're planning on your kid living in a Utopian world where no one ever says "no" to them, you're setting them up for a rude awakening when they're older and the world says "no" to them a thousand times a day.
You're not raising children, you're raising future adults. Behave accordingly.
Amy @ http://prettybabies.blogspot.com
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3-12-2008 @ 8:13PM
Uly said...No doesn't have to be the consequence, though.
You can do whatever you'd do to enforce the no while saying another phrase - for example, you can say "Books stay on shelves" or "Food is for eating, not for throwing", that sort of thing.
For that matter, saying no doesn't mean your child is going to learn about consequences. How many times have I heard people telling their kids no no no, but not doing anything about it? (Too many, that's how many. Drives me batty.)
3-12-2008 @ 11:26AM
ninainindia said...Nothing wrong with saying no. Children need to hear it, beacuse they will also hear it as adults.
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3-12-2008 @ 11:29AM
RobMonroe said...Yes, Children need to hear it. Sorry to not have made that clear. I believe that as much as anyone else.
I do not believe that babies do.
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3-12-2008 @ 11:33AM
Michele said...I have a puppy and we use HEY in an unfriendly voice when she's up to no good, or if she's about to go somewhere she's not allowed. She seems to understand that an unfriendly HEY means she's doing something we don't like and doesn't repeat the action.
When we do say 'NO' to the dog she falls into a submissive state, rolls onto her back and shows her belly and knows that she's in trouble so it is pretty important to not overuse no with dogs...especially the big ones.
I'm hoping this will help me with our first baby (coming in June) so really I don't know what works for kids, just dogs.
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3-12-2008 @ 11:47AM
mamaloo said...There are definitely situations where "No" is appropriate, but I really love what Jennifer and Rob Monroe have to say on the issue.
One thing I learned about parenting is that discipline is not about punishment, it's about being given the tool to succeed. So, a child hearing "No" all the time makes them feel bewildered and makes the "discipline" random and arbitrary.
Pulling books off the shelves gets a "No" but pulling toys out of a bin is perfectly fine? From a baby/toddler's perspective the acts are virtually identical. So, like Jennifer suggested, saying "Books stay on the shelves" and moving the child to a new activity is far more instructive and will yield positive results if applied consistently.
When baby says "Gimmee!" when you are shopping and he demands a toy, that's when "No" is appropriate. That's the kind of "No" I'm sure Amy's Dr. Dave was referring to. Kids need to know they can't get their own way all the time, but they also need to understand the rules by which they must live in this world. A simple no for a behavioural infraction just makes the child feel like they're being unfairly punished and wonder what in the world made mummy or daddy so mad.
With my first child, it was such a challenge to remember not to get mad and shout "No" all the time. If my son pulled the bottom shelf of CDs out it wasn't because he wanted to be bad. Nobody ever told him that it wasn't something he shouldn't be doing. We have to remember to give kids rules and reinforce them constantly so they can learn to be well-behaved, not force them to be well-behaved.
Teaching self-discipline, while a little harder, is always going to serve a child better than being forced to act in a parent sanctioned way through intimidation.
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3-12-2008 @ 12:16PM
Maureen said...I call bs on the "no to no" thing.
I used no with my kids and they seem to be happy kids. Now that they are older (5 and 3) we don't have to use the word as frequently, as they can understand a bit more explanation.
When my son was about 1.5, I told him no when he pulled all the videos out of the entertainment center. He didn't seem to have a problem deciding it was OK to take his toys out of his toybox.
I've read a lot of conflicting things about this no to no thing, so I'll go with what's worked in the past.
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3-12-2008 @ 12:28PM
rebecca Biernesser said...http://www.rosemond.com/index.php?action=website-view&WebSiteID=389&WebPageID=9896
View the above link. I love this guy's thoughts on childrearing. It's basicly just common sense...
:-)
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3-12-2008 @ 1:37PM
Eva said...What? I've never heard of this. I say "no" all the time! "No touch ___, it's not a toy/it's hot etc." "No temper tantrum" etc. Works great on the baby AND the dogs! I don't feel bad about it at all. Goodness.
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3-12-2008 @ 3:30PM
Mamacita said...Heaven help the poor teachers of all the kids who've never been told "NO!"
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3-12-2008 @ 7:01PM
ame s said...Mmkay, that is among the most silly things I have heard today. I understand the concept, though. Instead of a simple "no", some children do need things spelled out for them. "Hey, dont lick your shoe/poke the dog in the eye/pull the cat's tail/hit your sister/brother" may be necessary for some children. We sure don't want to stomp on kids' self esteem though, do we? Let's continue to allow them to think every little thing they do, such as flush the toilet after use, is the most wonderful of accomplishments. Let's see these same children a decade from now when they are trying to apply for a job. How about we stop coddling children and prepare them for the real world?
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3-12-2008 @ 8:17PM
Uly said...Apparently, the reading comprehension is poor today. I don't recall the original post saying "Don't discipline your child, just do it without saying no (and save that for the dangerous stuff)", but somehow, everybody here interpreted it that way.
However, if you're not likely to remove no from your vocabulary, I suggest you insert a new word to mean "that's gonna kill you, honey". Like STOP, or DANGER. So when your kid pulls the books off the shelf, you say no, but when they go towards the stove you say "STOP!"
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3-12-2008 @ 8:17PM
Uly said...Huh. My quote skills are bad too. Well, you can figure out what I meant, even if I wrote it to say the opposite.
3-12-2008 @ 9:05PM
Jill said...absolutely
If you save a word like (either) NO! or STOP! for emergencies, your child will take it more seriously. I choose to use the word STOP because it tells the child what you DO want them to do. NO requires more words to explain what you want done instead of the action they've done already. STOP gets you the behavior you want in one word.
This in no way means that you don't discipline, but instead shows you a way to discipline more effectively without throwing so many words at your kids. Often kids don't stop the action when you say NO partly because they don't know what else to do. STOP is pretty clear, and they know immediately what they SHOULD do. Similarly, if they run and you want them to walk, it is more effective to say "walk" than "no running".
3-13-2008 @ 12:59AM
SKL said...I use "no" for the basic rules like touching wires. "No wires. Play with your toys." I follow up with what the consequence will be if they persist. "If you touch the wires again I will ___."
I use "don't __" more than I'd like to - it's kinda like "no," only worse. The problem isn't that the kids won't be happy little spoiled brats. Rather that very young kids' mental wiring is such that if you say "don't eat that" they think "I really REALLY wanna eat that." Not sure why, but that is the logic behind my avoidance of the negative version of commands.
"Don't drop your food on the floor" becomes "keep it on the table." "Don't dump your milk" becomes "stand it up like a big girl does."
"Don't hurt your sister" becomes "be gentle / nice." Though if someone is being mean, I include the "don't" version.
"Don't drive me freakin' crazy with your noise" becomes "calm down / relax / be quiet / ENOUGH!!!!"
"Don't get off the potty" becomes "stay on the potty." "Don't pee in your pants" is supplemented with "keep your pants dry." (I am not brave enough to totally give up the "don't" version on that one yet.) "Don't take the toothbrush out of the bathroom" becomes "the toothbrush stays in the bathroom."
"Don't be whiny" becomes "be patient / polite."
Etc. The only hard thing is to remember to do this before you say the negative version. It's actually something we as parents need to practice.
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3-13-2008 @ 10:02PM
Adoption Ally said...Oh, for crying out loud! I have three kids - 30, 23, and 9, so I've been at this parenting thing for a long time. Saying NO to kids does not damage their little psyche - they're not that mentally fragile.
When my cousin had her first child, NO one (oops! there's that word) was allowed to say NO to the child. Ever. The accepted term was "not for Billy!". The rest of us thought it was kinda overkill. Well, she now has three kids. The last one got told NO all the time, and he's far better adjusted than his big brother - in no small measure because he doesn't think everything is negotiable.
I'm all for distracting toddlers instead of saying no too often. Toddlers aren't known for their sophisticated vocabularies. Why make things more complicated than they need to be? Instead of worrying about how many times you tell Susie NO because she's pulled the books off the shelves again, why not just move the books and make life easier for both of you?
However, I disagree with the "be nice to the dog" school of thought. Stuff that is clearly not acceptable and never will be deserves an immediate and emphatic NO. NO, do NOT bite your sister. NO, we do NOT pull the dog's ear.
By the time the kids were school age, I didn't have to say no a whole lot. I didn't have to say anything. They could see me looking at them from across the room and knew from the look on my face if they had better stop what they were doing!
Lest you think that I'm a real rigid, highly structured kind of mom, I'm not. I've always been pretty relaxed about stuff. But I'm the adult, they're not. And a huge part of my responsibility as a mom is teaching them how to behave in polite society. Unfortunately, that means a whole lot of no!
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