Do as I say, not as I do

by Linda Lee (Subscribe to Linda Lee's posts) Mar 20th 2008 12:00PM

Categories: Just For Moms, Teens & Tweens

I have a big old armband tattoo on my left arm, which I got when I was a young and foolish teenager. By some miracle I managed to choose a design I still love to this day, which is sort of amazing considering my hobbies at the time, which mostly involved ringing my eyes with black Wet N' Wild eyeliner while listening to The Cure and despairing about how no one understood me. I mean, clearly I dodged a bullet there, I could easily have ended up with a large rose-thorn covered skull or possibly an ode to Anne Rice permanently etched into my skin.

I may as well confess that I also imbibed in an illegal substance or three during my teen years, skipped more classes than I attended, snuck out of my house at night in order to make out with boys of questionable character, and generally drove my mother straight around the bend. I'm sure I was an absolute misery to my entire family during that period, a fact I am only starting to truly appreciate (and regret) now that I have my own children whose future I fervently hope does not include ANY of the activities I used to engage in.

For those of you whose past includes more than a few youthful indiscretions, do you think it will be easier or harder to help your children avoid a similar path? It's funny, I've turned exactly into the sort of person I used to rebel so heartily against: specifically, the sort of person who would lose their effing MIND if their kid came home with an arm tattoo.

Comments (39)

Reader Comments (Page 1 of 2)

kim 3-20-2008 @ 12:13PM

I don't know if it will be easier to keep them out of trouble or not. My parents were VERY naive and had little exposure to the "culture" I had immersed myself in. ( I followed Phish and had dreadlocks for Pete's sake!) I like to think I could at least spot it if my kid was on something, but I have had employees who were on some of the same stuff I thought I could spot from a MILE away and I had NO CLUE.
I guess all I can do is bombard them with the knowledge my parents didn't have, and pray they listen before something too terrible happens to them.
We all know deep in our hearts that our kids will have a mind of their own and we can only give them the gift of knowledge, then lock them in a cage in the basement wrapped in bubble wrap and duct tape with a giant hamster wheel for exercise and a big enough slot to get food in. And Hardy boy books. And Highlights magazine.

Jennifer 3-20-2008 @ 12:33PM

Is there ANY way to make teens understand how delicate life is...how devastated we would be if something happened to them. I don't think I really understood or grasped that idea until I had a child of my own 2 YEARS AGO...and I'm a GROWN UP (clearing throat...35+). It just never feels like something bad is going to happen to you until you are the one worrying about what is going to happen to someone else.

I grew up in a small town with nothing much to do except drink a lot of REALLY accessible alcohol. My parents were a little naive and looked the other way a lot...but the one thing that I will never forget is that they told me that if I ever found myself in a position where I needed a ride home they would come pick me up, no questions asked. I took them up on it 2 New Year's Eves in a row...and as promised, without a word. I'll always remember that, and plan to do the same.

My husband and I were pretty wild in our day and I think we'll have to be pretty honest. There is some substance abuse issues in both our families and I think an ongoing open discussion will be pretty important. I won't expect my son (soon to be sons!) to be teetotalers by any means, I just hope I can be realistic and honest enough with them to help them make safe, smart choices.

Charlise 3-21-2008 @ 11:39AM

I have two teenage girls...and well, although they are fantastic kids, they still do all the typical teenage stuff. I think my experience (as will yours) provides insight into what they do and why they do it - but I would be lying if I said that they listen to me or my experience at all. In their eyes - I was NEVER a kid...regardless of what I tell them. And - I understand. I never really thought of my mom as having been a teenager...NEVER. Did you?

I think it is just not possible to see your parents as "people" - although I don't know why.

SKL 3-20-2008 @ 1:14PM

I would love to see a study on this. I was born just after the Baby Boom (1966), which was just about when the old wisdom of "don't tell your kids you're human until they are 30" gave way to "talk to your kids and then they'll be smart enough to not do the dumb things you did." (My mom didn't buy into the change.) So I've been watching all these parents who are talking to their kids about EVERYTHING, and being their ear and their friend and taking them to Planned Parenthood and all, and their kids are following in their footsteps and then some.

Personally I think it would be harder to convince your kids to toe the line if they know you didn't. I won't have that problem myself, since I was a relative prude. What made me that way? Probably a lot of things, but being told by my mom how others' bad choices screwed up their whole lives was high on the list. If you were one of the people making those bad choices, and it didn't screw up your life, I guess you wouldn't be able to use this tactic, unless you hid your past from your kids. Which, by the way, is still an option. You don't have to actually lie; just don't come down to your kids' level and discuss your mistakes with them. My parents made plenty; I was much more prudish than they were; and I am not resentful that they didn't share their past with me until I was older.

Now, about the tattoo. My dad had one; I just assumed all dads had tattoos and never thought much of it, since I'd never be a dad. My granny had one too. (It was the name of her first husband in a heart.) I asked her about it and she said she'd gotten it because she was young and stupid. So I figured tattoos on women were stupid. Neither of my parents wanted their kids to get tattoos, so they told us tattoos are stupid, and as far as I know, none of their three sons and three daughters has a tattoo. So, if you are concerned about the tattoo, you can either have it removed, or tell your kids that your tattoo is stupid, or threaten something really horrible if they come home with one before reaching the age of majority. Up to you. Otherwise you really can't be surprised if your child comes home with a tattoo.

Karen 3-20-2008 @ 1:34PM

Well, not all kinds think the parents know what they are talking about when they say something is "stupid."

My parents told me all kinds of things and I rejected everything they said.

They key is respect. Kids that respect their parents do not want to disappoint them. When I talk to adults that tell me they didn't smoke, drink, have sex, or do drugs...whatever it is, they always say they didn't want to let their parents down. They say they respected their parents too much.

Now they may have decided on their own (DH is far more conservative than his mother) but I don't know if it is as simple as just calling something stupid.

SKL 3-20-2008 @ 2:47PM

You are right; respect for parents is one of the most important things we can teach our children; it should be reinforced early and often; as it is the basis for just about everything else we hope to teach them. And I think respect for parents means seeing them as significantly above oneself. Not as a friend or a mentor.

I certainly, deeply respected both of my parents.

But equally important is that my parents taught me to respect myself. All that talk about not screwing up my future - this couldn't have made a difference if I didn't first of all feel I had hope for a great future and the ability to make it happen. This feeling resulted from the knowledge that those two super-human, highly respected people I called Mom and Dad saw me as someone with high potential. Thus parental respect breeds self-respect.

kim 3-20-2008 @ 1:21PM

OH, for the tatoo part, I forgot. I have 3, regret none, and I got them all before I turned 22. I got married at 24 to a man who has none, and would never have one. His dad always told him, "Son, you are a *surname* and *surname's* Don't get tatoos. I figure I will just tell my kids I got them before I became a *surname* and they are out of luck until they are 18 or no longer a *surname*. (HAHaha, I protect my identity well don't I? )

Jessica 3-20-2008 @ 1:22PM

My husband and I are both very strong-willed people and both got into some trouble as kids/teens. Him more than I but I was no stranger.

Also, let me add that I am a high school teacher.

I am soooooooo worried about keeping my daughter under control. My husband shrugs it off, but I know how we were.......

Jessica 3-21-2008 @ 10:15AM

Yeah, and I have been inked 5 times and have 3 tats. I just covered up the ones made in poor taste with nicer ones. I love them all. The last cover-up I got was after my daughter was born and that tat is dedicated to her. I plan to do an add-on to an existing tattoo after the next baby and that tat will be his/hers.

Jenn D 3-20-2008 @ 1:31PM

Both my husband and I have several tattoo's, and we acknowledge that to forbid our daughters from getting any would be incredibly hypocritical. While we won't have to worry about it for quite some time, we have already spoken about how we will handle it. Neither of us are ashamed of our tattoo's, and we will both likely be getting more at some point in the future. We intend to make it clear to our girls that if they really want a tattoo we won't stop them, but there are rules. Nothing until they are over 16, they will need to think it out - no spur of the moment, picking the design off the wall business, and one of us needs to be involved in finding an artist and getting things done.

I suspect the fact that we are so open about it rather than ashamed may even make the girls less likely to do it themselves - what teenager wants to be just like her Mum anyways?

amanda hendricks 3-20-2008 @ 1:47PM

Isn't it funny!!! When I was younger I put my parents through so much....that even to this day at almopst 40 I still apologize for it. I want what is best for my 4 year old and I try to put him on the right path. Unfortunately I was the type that thought that I knew everything..when if I would have just listened to my folks I would have saved myself alot of heatrache. My son looks just like his father a splittin image of him, but has my personality. I fear that I am going to get paid back big time.. Oh if I could just go back!!! I say that, but there is no money in the world that would take me back to my teens and twenties.

Christina 3-20-2008 @ 1:48PM

Here's the thing, yes I was one of those kids but I was REALLY REALLY good at hiding it from my often absent mother. AND I was REALLY good at manipulating her into believing none of what I was doing was true. SO yeah that night I came home so drunk I could not hardly see and fled the room under my covers and told her NO I WOULD NEVER DRINK, yeah I was lying. I came home from concerts and parties alike under the influence and spoke directly to my mother all the while curious to know if she suspected a thing.

Then I spent most of my 20s and honestly until the age of 30 drinking WAY too much to be totally comfortable admitting.

Now four short (LONG) years I am not that person if I ever was. I hide behind that stuff because it was easier to do that then to just be me. I hope I can show my child down a better path.

My family was a mess from the day I was born. Not a horrid mess but middle class messy. It was a stressful childhood marked by bad memories of depression (from my mom), manipulations from all sides, horrible knock down drag out fights that led me to hide in my walk in closet or just hide out at friends houses, and many other things.

My mom declared she was gay when I was 12 and expected me to believe that was okay. I do not care now but at 12 MY GAWD it was just plain gawky teen aged embarrassment. Then she blatantly made a show of it to further my embarrassment like it was a fun little game on her part. The rest of my family was no better as my father/brother are alcoholics and my sister well there are no words for her character but my mother was my primary caretaker.

After her declaration there was regular parade of women in our house and she left to SF a lot to spend time with these women leaving me alone to take care of myself from 14 to 17 yrs of age (when I left home for college.)

When she finally realized what she had done I was well into my 20s. She regularly told me how we kids had held her back... OMG you get the picture.

I do not plan to do this to my children. I believe my marriage is strong, I sowed my wild oats long ago and I am fairly stable (I kid) and very happy. I think that if you provides kids with a stable strong family environment no matter what your kids will come out all right in the end. Give them the right values and morales and teach them the difference between right and wrong. Stay close to them without totally smothering them but know what the hell is going on with them then your kids have a fighting to chance to have a different life then we did.

Eric's Mommy 3-20-2008 @ 2:01PM

Oh God, I hope that my son doesn't take after me or my husband.
I have 2 tattoos and wouldn't mind if he went out and got one (just not on his neck) but all of the other stuff...........I don't even want to think about it!

Sheryl 3-20-2008 @ 2:23PM

I'm with Eric's Mommy. The tattoos and the piercings are the least of my worries (4 tattoos and a nose piercing for me, all AFTER my 40th b-day). Piercings close, and discreet tattoos (discreet = no face or neck, please) are no biggie. Where we live one cannot legally get a tattoo until age 18, and we personally know several tattoo artists (like Jenn mentions, as opposed to people with a bunch of flash art up on the wall and questionable skills).

Oy, but the drinking. And the drinking and the driving. And the boys. And the unprotected sex (this was pre-AIDs, I'm so old). And more drinking. And the...um....illegal-at-any-age substances. And the lying.

But...I got a lot of "no, don't do that", without any sort of explanation as to why I shouldn't, beyond "because I told you so". Hence, I thought the consequences tied exclusivelly into getting caught by my parents. So, I lied and covered so they wouldn't catch me. They never gave me the full picture (addiction, car accidents, disease, pregnancy, rape, overdose, jail, death). Granted, I was not stupid and could have gleaned those things elsewhere, but really, back in the day, we only saw those things happening to "bad" kids. Us white, middle-class, good-student, "good" kids only had to avoid the parental wrath and we were golden. And of course, no one thinks it will ever happen to them.

Yeah, right. Dumb luck, all of it.

I'm alot more open with my child already, at 10.5 years old, than my parents were with me in high school. We talk all of that stuff I used to do (without me admitting to any of it--we are definitely "don't ask, don't tell" at this stage of the game) and she knows the consequences go far beyond whatever punishment I'd dole out.

Do I think all of this openness and dialouge makes our family immune? Nope. But I do think I'm at least a tiny ahead of where my parents were...

kim 3-20-2008 @ 3:31PM

You are SO right on. Consequences. Teach them that everything, both good and bad comes with consequences! My parents also just said NO, BECAUSE I SAY SO. SO right on sister!
This is TERRIBLE to say,but I cried for days when I found out I was having a girl, because though my parents were very strict and certainly supportive and did their best to impart the most healthful and positive self image in me they could, I saw NONE of it, and was set to self destruct until I made it to 22, and struggled with further bouts until I got pregnant in 2006. I have no idea what they could have done differently (except for giving me reasons for why they said no, they didn't feel their edicts warranted explanation, commanding respect) and I really just couldn't figure out how the hell I could give my daughter what I never had. Love of self. I'm due in 2 months, and though I still fret I am resigned to the fact that what will be will be, I will just do the best I can, like most parents do, and read comments like these to gain perspective from others who have done it before me or are struggling by my cyber-side.

JennB 3-20-2008 @ 2:43PM

There is no way that we can keep our kids from making the same errors in judgement that we did. I think it's going to be a fine line between sharing war stories with them and not laughing (out loud, at least) when they tell you about their latest f-up or lack of clarity in a decision. Hopefully it won't be a super harmful thing, like killing someone or landing in jail or having their basement meth-lab explode...

I touched on an incident that took place around Easter when I was a young & foolish college student in my blog today - and I hope to "whatever" that my daughter and son don't follow in that same vein... but I have to admit, once they slip the bonds of my womb, I have no say in what they will do.... I can only teach them good judgement and hope that they listen and learn from their mistakes.

www.opaqueprintproduction.com/jbblog

marna 3-20-2008 @ 2:48PM

I only hope my son doesn't follow in my footsteps as mine were ugly. I will say however, I turned out okay even though I was horribly rebellious.

I have toyed with the idea of tell him about the things I did -- but like other commenters I wonder if I do tell him will that make it okay for him to do some of the grand standing I did.

What I do tell him now is that no matter what he thinks about doing -- I have already done and I *will* find out.

So far I am batting 1000.

Shawna 3-20-2008 @ 2:55PM

I myself have a tattoo and don't have anything against my kids gettting them, but I'm hoping that contrasting my way (easily hidden, a design I loved and had for years before getting inked) with their goth aunt's way (8 tattoos of things like spiders and robed skeletons, many of which are not easy to hide and the first of which she got as soon as she was legally able) will influence them to go more my route than my sister's if they opt to get inked.

As for sex, drinking and illegal substances, I'm hoping that they'll be smart about anything they decide they want to try and I'll do my best to make sure they make informed decisions by making sure they know the possible repercussions and risks. I especially want to stress to them the dangers of addictive substances. Of course, I'll also have rules, but I want to make sure they'll understand why I have these rules.

This is easy to say when my youngest is two years old...

Ethel 3-20-2008 @ 3:08PM

The good thing is that since you have a tattoo for your kids it will be way not cool to have one. Supremely not cool. Like my sister in laws ankle tats, ugh, are looking pretty sad below her varicose veined calves right now.

As for the use of controlled substances - my sibs and I had a wonderful example what not to do with my oldest brother. I think when you grow up watching your brother starting with weed at 13, and tumbling into cocaine and later meth, being diagnosed with AIDs probably as a result of shooting coke, it's very clear what one does not want to do. The decay and squalor that my brother lived in was overwhelming, it was like he came from a different family. I plan on talking about him with my kids as they get older, the evidence is pretty alarming when you see pictures of his progression from a 16 year old to my wedding when he was 43 and close to death.

Essentially, drug use is absolutely not glamorous and tends to limit your potential life.

I'd also do some good research on the heavy metals often used in tats and their potential effects on one's nervous system over time as the poison leaches into your body. It's great what a close relationship with HazMat sheets and chemistry will open your eyes to.

Liz 3-20-2008 @ 3:27PM

Funny, I was a total prude until my early 20s and I often feel like I wasted a lot of time being judgmental and not trying new things. I went a tiny bit wild my senior year of college, but even those things aren't really anything I wouldn't want my 22-year-old daughter doing.

She's only 2, now, though. Who knows how I'll feel in 10 years?

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