Do as I say, not as I do

My parents were always open with us kids. We were raised very European in that we could have a glass of wine (or a wine cooler) with dinner from the time we were 12 or so. I am 31 and have been drunk twice in my life.

My sister was the first one to come home with a tattoo...she was 22. My mother is not a fan but as she says "It's not her body," not that that doesn't mean she will not express her displeasure...lol... My brother was the first to come home extra piercings (ears didn't count,) he had his nipples pierced at the age of 20. As it stands now my 32 year old brother has 1 nipple ring and 1 tattoo (hidden and he is planning others,) I, at 31, have double piercings in my ears, my belly button pierced, a nose ring (did it 6 months before my wedding last year- this is the one that bothers my mom the most as she can't get over the blowing your nose part, lol.) I also have 2 tattoos (1 will be added to, on my hip, and the other, on my lower back, will be removed and something else will go in it's place) and finally my little sister, at the age of 30, has her ears double pierced, her upper ear on 1 side pierced and a tattoo around her ankle. Big thing here is that we were ALL over the age of 20 when we opted to pierce or tattoo. (Except for ears, we girls were allowed to have one set at the age of 5/6 and then we had to wait til we were 16 to get the second set.) I would never get a tattoo on a whim (ok, I did once and to top it off it was a relationship tattoo, which I now have to get removed.)

I have used recreational drugs so I can honestly tell my kids what they are all about. In fact I am very close to a friend's teenagers and we have had that talk and they understand the risks and consequences involved in drugs. I didn't even touch drugs until I was in my 20's and after a year of wasting my time and money on them I realized they were just not worth it.

As for the sex issue... I can remember going to my mother at 16 and saying that I wanted to have sex with my then 18 year old boyfriend. My mom was calm and said "why don't you give it another couple of months and see what happens first." Before I could even reevaluate the situation I discovered that since I was not 'putting out' he was getting it else where, made me think twice before I took that road again. We were taught to respect ourselves which I think was very important when the sex topic came up.

My parents have always been very open and, for the most part, nonjudgmental when we came to them for advice. They offered us a sounding board for the hard topics. This is not to say that there was no discipline in our house. We were all expected to do well in school, mind our manners and honor our parents by our actions in public. I plan on raising my kids the same way and I am hoping they will learn from my mistakes.

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I think the key is to pay attention, and be a part of their lives. Make sure they know they can talk to you about anything. Not because you want to be their friend but because you are a wealth of experience and knowledge. There aren't any subjects off limits in my house. Kids are going to try things, but if you're involved and paying attention it won't go beyond that. My two cents :)

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There just isn't an easy answer. I think you have fabulous responses here from women who very clearly have put a lot of thought into it. Clear, easy open lines of communication is the best answer. I don't have teens yet but my boys (10 and12) tell me the things they see and hear at school- it scares the ever loving hell out of me! 12 yr old is in the high school now and he sees violence against teachers, teen romance, teens smoking, horrible language and general teenaged angst.
I can't protect them from everything, I just have to believe that I am giving them the tools to digest what they see and learn and make the right choices. They talk to me now and I pray they will continue to as they grow. They are who they are and that is why I adore them so. Soon their decisions and choices will be theirs alone and I pray they make the choices that are best for them.
Great post Linda.

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Ah...tattoos. My parents told me and my two sisters that they wouldn't pay for college if we got tattoos as then we would have proven ourselves too stupid to educate.
I don't know that I think getting a tattoo is stupid -- I've just never loved a design long enough to want it permanently on me. But I like seeing what other people get; there's a passion there that's intriguing.

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To your question of whether it's easier or harder to help your children avoid the same path, here's what my parents did : They sat me down and told me that they did more things than I want to know about and as a result, there is nothing I can get away with doing. They WILL know everything because they've been there.
In other words, they used fear. And it worked too. I was convinced that if I did anything wrong, they would know just by looking at me. To top it off, they would regularly accuse me of something, i.e. "you smell like smoke, were you smoking!"

Now don't get me wrong, they were good parents, not mean, just totally paranoid that their precious child would do the same stupid things they did. The funny part is that after I never did, they relaxed, and then came my younger siblings.....ha ha ha. They got payback for what they put their own parents through!

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Oh, just re-read. That last part wasn't very comforting. Sorry. :(

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My husband and I were both Very Bad Teenagers. Like the-police-were-involved bad. I can only hope that my daughter does the same kind of things we did so we can see it coming. She's going to have it rough because we've done just about everything there is out there and we're going to know when she does it.

I have four tattoos and my husband has one. I have no problem with my daughter getting one when she's "of age." If she wants one I'll talk to her about being sure of what to get and where to put it and choosing a respectable tattoo parlor. I'm also ok with piercings, though I don't have any other than the standard ears.

I think the hardest part for me will be letting her learn her own lessons. I can sit her down and tell her all the shit I did and how it negatively impacted me and my family, but she's totally going to blow me off. She's going to have to learn the hard way just like we did. It's going to be so hard to sit back and watch it happen. I only hope that the morals and ethics we instill in her will be there when she's done rebelling.

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So, I have to say, I like *your* little goth-souvenir tattoo quite a lot more than I like mine (a spider that has, erm, a couple of stretch marks going through it at this point).

I suppose the disclaimer for what I'm going to say is that I really don't think a tattoo is something to get upset about (although if my kids are going to go that way I'd advise a less-permanent piercing). I did not, as a teenager, do anything much worse than that, though. Straight A student, always home when I said I'd be, no substances of any kind really, etc etc. And I have to think that at least a little of the reason I was never tempted is that my mom never freaked out about the eyeliner, the Sisters, the all-black-all-lace-all-the-time, the dog collar, the hair dye, and so forth.

She rolled her eyes, and generally provided enough nicely-phrased mockery for me to feel like I was Proving I Was My Own Person, Unique As A Snowflake, but just never flipped her lid about anything. There was no curfew--when I went out, she asked when I'd be home, and if that changed I was expected to call. I guess, in short, she treated me like someone who could make adult, responsible choices. I saw this greater amount of respect in stark contrast to what my friends were dealing with, and tried like hell to live up to it.

Like some others have mentioned, she also really, obviously *cared* about my life and what I was going through. She gave me privacy when I needed it, but made sure I understood that she wanted to know whatever I wanted to share. And you know, I took her up on it, and it really worked out okay. When I wanted to have sex (with the guy I later married, weirdly enough), I talked to her about it and she took me to the GYN to get the pill. When I couldn't handle it that my best friend was getting so into pot that she was in danger of dropping out, I talked to her about it and she offered helpful advice without freaking out.

So I guess, with such a fantastic role model, that I might have it a little easier than some of my friends-now-parents during the teenage years. I've personally experienced it done fantastically *right*. Before I sound too cocky here, though, I'm still very nervous. I greatly admire my mom's ability to deal with my teenage years with such aplomb... but it's still something I hope I can live up to.

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I was a bad-ass kid, too. I still apologize to my mom every mother's day, because DAMN! I can't believe she survived that without killing me. I think, I hope, I pray, that being that way will help me deal better with my own kid's bad-assery someday, and that I'll be able to spot the signs of all that stuff way before my mom ever did (since she, at 17, had pet geese and hadn't ever heard of pot, I don't think). But there's also the factor of knowing just how much trouble he can really get into, having gotten into it myself, and that scares the crap out of me. It's a toss-up, I guess.
BTW - Dylan? So freaking cute. Seriously.

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I'm just seriously bummed that Isisaquaria hasn't commented yet ;).

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PS: I have a tattoo as well, as does my husband. Both of us plan to have our unborn (come on June!) daughter's name tattooed on us as well, so, really, as long as it's a well thought out/ done at an appropriate age / won't be regretted piece of ink, I'll be cool with it if our kid/s have it done one day.

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My hubby has one for our son, and an eagle/flag/Army one on his shoulder as well--no piercings due to military job

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Linda, you look great and I love the tat---That boy is growing fast

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I expect my kids to make me go gray very very early. Doesn't mean I'm going to take it lying down, just that I'm not getting snowed by their "look how cute I am, I'm just a little angel aren't I?" routine.

Breaking the rules to go off topic a second, you look amazing in that pic.

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