Choosing a last name

by Nicole Teed (Subscribe to Nicole Teed's posts) Mar 26th 2008 10:00AM

Categories: Divorce & Custody, Fun & Activities, Celeb Parenting, Sex

My celebrity news feeds all wanted to share with me the not-so-interesting news that Denise Richards has legally changed her name back to Denise Richards. The judge approved her name change petition Friday, though her divorce from Charlie Sheen was finalized two years ago.

The story got me thinking, though, about family names and what they mean to people. Traditionally, women have taken their husbands' last names when married, and then all the children from that marriage also share the same surname. These days, though, the only rule in last names is that there are no rules. Married women keep their maiden names, or hyphenate to include their husband's names. Children might get mom's last name, or dad's, or both. And that's just for married couples having children. Add single parents, unmarried-but-coupled parents, and step-parents to the mix, and it's becoming more rare to have only one last name on the household mailbox.

Yet just as we change it up and break all the conventions, I think we have to recognize that it isn't just a name. Names represent our identities; our choices about them make statements about who we are. Families who adopt a child change the child's last name in a move that says, unambiguously, "You are now part of our family." The decision to change or keep a name, hyphenate a name, or revert back to a maiden name after divorce reflects some meaning about the nature of that family. Often, the choice mirrors the struggles we have between "me" and "us," between honoring each extended family while becoming a family of our own.

What arrangement do you have for last names in your family? What meaning does that have for you?

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Jessica 3-26-2008 @ 10:14AM

I am very proud to be a " ", insert my maiden name. I wanted to keep it but it was obvious that it hurt my husband's feelings badly. My parents did not give me a middle name, so I took my maiden name as my middle name. I use it, all of my records are now JW " " (new last name).

Our daughter has the family name and I am ok with that.

Mihir 3-26-2008 @ 10:19AM

my wife wanted to keep her last name. granted, it's an extremely unique last name. there's only about 20 people left in the world with her last name. and since my last name is claimed by about 20,000,000 people, it's cool with me.

Cheryl 3-26-2008 @ 10:27AM

I couldn't imagine changing my last name. As for our children, one has my last name, one has my husband's. I would actually have preferred both children to have my last name (why not? Just because children traditionally have their fathers' last name...so?) (btw: I really hope ParentDish doesn't turn into a place to discuss what celebrities do with their children. There are already plenty of sites that do that).

RobMonroe 3-26-2008 @ 10:46AM

I like mine enough, but really don't think that my name makes me who I am. If my name were smith, I would be living the same life I am today. That's beside the point.

Before my wife an I got married there was a lot of discussion around last names.

We discussed several options:
She could take my name
She could hyphenate
I could take hers
We could come up with a new one

The bottom line is that I wanted to have the same last name as my spouse and children. In the end she ended up taking my last name, and adding her maiden name as a second middle name.

ivory 3-26-2008 @ 10:54AM

We're of the opinion that it _is_ just a name. Actions speak louder that words, and the idea that a family with the same last name is more tightly bonded ("us") than a family that has come together by choice, as individuals, is a bit insulting. My grandparents are in their 80's, and have been married for 60+ years, but have separate last names. Of their 5 children, only two share a last name. Yes, our family tree can be confusing to an outsider, but there is no 'struggle' here. We call each other 'sister', 'cousin' and 'mother' not "Jennifer Jones" and "Susan Smith".

Ethel 3-26-2008 @ 11:13AM

I am sorry I gave up my maiden name when I got married. At the time I thought it would be easier since we were going to have kids and we'd all have the same last name. But, as hard as my last name was for folks to spell or pronounce, I used to when getting my degrees and doing any achievement outside of having kids. Plus I think my in-laws are, well, I won't say. There are times when I think about changing my last name back, which would/will be a pain in the ass, but I still think as myself as Ethel Bethel and not Ethel Longname.

As for the kids I thought about giving the girls my maiden name and the boys their dad's name. But that's stupid since I don't have my mom's maiden name, or she her mother's. So really I have no matrilineal connection to any last name that I possess, and it would make as much sense as me making up my own last name. So, I decided really the kids are going to inherit my culture and that is a matrilineal tradition I will allow them to have their patrilineal last name.

Julie 3-26-2008 @ 11:24AM

My husband took my last name. He was adopted as a child and given a new name by his adopted parents. Many years later, they had a falling out and he no longer has any contact with them. He didn't want to use his birthname, since he really didn't have a connection to it and didn't want to use his adopted name since his adopted family wasn't a part of his life, so we decided to use my name, which I had traced back 400 years and didn't want to give up anyway. I'm also the oldest of two girls of an only child of an only son, so when our son was born, he kept my family name alive.

Meagan 3-26-2008 @ 11:23AM

See, I'm getting married in October so I'm agonizing over this RIGHT now. I really like my name!

I like the symbolic act of taking on his name, but then the feminist in my chimes in: well he could just as easily take yours and I get all rebellious at the idea that societally I'm the one expected to give up my last name. I may just hyphenate, but I generally don't like that.

I don't like the idea of having a different name from the rest of my family but I'm really attached to my name. The part that gets me most is my signature... I've been signing my name the same way for ten years or so... now I'm supposed to re-learn it?

I wish I could have two names.

signed Meagan B. Call

Kerri 3-28-2008 @ 2:22PM

Meagan, I totally agonized over this too. I have such a cool maiden name - interesting, but also easy to pronounce and spell. My husband is Slovak and has a very difficult last name.

I wanted to make my middle name part of my first name (think going from Mary Ann to Maryann) and make my maiden name my middle name, but when I got to the Social Security office they told me that getting married didn't entitle me to a change in my first name. WTF? So I said I had to think about it, walked out of the office, sat in my car for 3 minutes, and went back in to keep my original first name, make my maiden name my middle, and my husband's my last.

I could still do the court thing to get my old middle name added to my first name, but it's expensive and time consuming, and I'll probably never do it. It kind of sucks because my middle name is my great-grandmother's name, so there was a significant feeling about it.

I was worried about my new signature too, but I worked on it and now I sort of like it. It's similar to my old one in style, but longer.

Having grown up in a family where my stepfather insensitively put a sign bearing only the surname he and my mother shared (not mine and my sister's) on our front door, it feels good to me to share a name with my husband, and have us referred to as the Crazyslovaknameceks. And I think I'll feel it especially when we have kids.

However, I do use my maiden name at work, and will always use it professionally.

My advice is to pay some respect to your feelings, and then keep it simple. Changing your name is sort of an interesting experience, and I'm glad I did it.

Anita 3-26-2008 @ 12:55PM

I just think it is easier if eveyone in a family shares the same last name so other people in their lives know who is related to who. That is the only purpose in a last name that I can see. Technically, my maiden name was my father's. Why is it any more important to me than my husband's last name? I am part of his family now and so are my kids so we all have the same last name. It makes it easier for the friends of my kids to know how to address me.

Actually, I did change my middle name to my maiden name when I got married since I got my Master's degree and signed my first job contract before I was married. To avoid confusion, after I got married, I signed all the documents at that job with both middle and last name.

ame s 3-26-2008 @ 11:58AM

I took my late-husband's name (misprounced by almost everyone) when we married and I took my new husband's last name when we married in October. My daughters will keep their father's last name, even after my new husband legally adopts them. Sometimes my 8 year old hyphenates my new husband's last name onto hers on school papers.
People still manage to mispronounce my new last name. Two simple words put together: In man. Doesn't sound hard, but people want to complicate it by using the long I sound. I had joked I should have married a Jones, but I know there are some people out there who would pronounce it Joe nezz ;)

jane 3-26-2008 @ 11:50AM

I was MORE than happy to get rid of my last name. It was odd, didn’t sound out like it was pronounced and kids always laughed at me when someone “new” said it. Maybe if my parents had given me a two syllable first name it would have been different but I had two, one syllable names and it sounded so…blunt.....snippy.

But even if I had liked my last name, I wanted to share my husbands. He gave it to me one the day we married and we now share it with our son and soon to be new baby when he/she arrives this fall. While I appreciate everyone else’s opinion, I like that my little family all has the same last name. I’m just old fashioned this way.

Monica 3-26-2008 @ 12:08PM

I chanted my last name to his once we made a deal that I got to pick out ALL the first names of ALL our kids. (Don't tell him but I would've changed my name anyway!)

Andy 3-26-2008 @ 12:20PM

In Mexico we have two last names, and any number of "first/middle" names. It may sound a bit confusing but a kid usually ends with a first name, a middle name, the father's (first) last name and then the mother's (first) last name. For example, if the father's name was: Juan López Pérez and the mother's name: Ana Hernández González, then the kid would be: Pedro López Hernández.

When married, we keep our father's (first)last name and add "de" and our husband's last name, instead of our mother's last name. In the case above if Ana wanted to change her name it would be like: Ana Hernández de López. Because of all these combinations everyone in the family ends up sharing at least 1 last name.

jamie 5-25-2008 @ 4:20AM

i was married bout a week ago to a spanish man they hav etwo last names would i take the last name of his father or mother i dont understand sorry

claire 3-26-2008 @ 12:58PM

My son's father and I are not married, though we are in a committed, familial relationship. If we are to marry in the future, I imagine we will both keep our own last names since we are professors and publish our work and have already had work published under our own names. But all this is beside the point because I am giggling my head off at imagining hyphenating my name and his since my name is the-most-German-sounding-ever and his is the-most-Irish-sounding-ever. Think "Scneider-O'Neal," but more German and more Irish.

isisaquaria 3-26-2008 @ 1:30PM

I have been married going on 16yrs, so it wasn't a real discussion for us. We have talked about our daughters if they get married, what they would do--IDK.

My daughter's best friend mother remarried and kept the ex's name because it matched the kids. No one was happy, including the daughter. A judged ordered her to go back to her maiden name, or new husband's, so she finally did take the new man's.

Bellie 3-26-2008 @ 1:32PM

I kept my maiden name when I married. Its the name on my birth certificate, and the name that will be on my gravestone. My daughter has my maiden name as her middle name, and shares her father's last name, I hope she keeps her same name her whole life too.

queenoqueens 3-26-2008 @ 2:40PM

Children are the only reason I can see for changing your name. That's what I did, because I like all of us having one name. Not necessary, but I prefer it.

It is kind of sad to give up one's maiden name though. I liked it, and I'm not sure, but I think the name is going to die out in the country after me, unless there are more immigrants. I almost like the idea of making up a new one. But if my husband and I combined our last names, the results were quite comical, so it wouldn't work.

Yes, it stinks from a feminist perspective, but men typically kick the bucket first, so consider it their consolation prize.

eugene 3-26-2008 @ 2:42PM

during our engagement, my wife and I had many discussions on this subject. She didn't want to take my last name and I was pretty hurt by that. I looked at it as a rejection of my family and in a way, me. But after we got married, I just stopped caring. It just didn't seem that important anymore.

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