The joy of pet ownership
Categories: Just for moms
It is 3 AM and I have been jolted from a deep slumber, for once not by the baby but by my cat, who is stationed outside our bedroom window yowling. I try very very hard to ignore her but she manages to penetrate the walls of the house with every meow. I poke my husband gently, then a little less gently. "WHURGH," he says, mid-snore. Wow. Mow. MEOW. WOW.
I lurch out of bed and tiptoe past the silent bassinet to the front door, which I try and open quietly, but my actions are rendered moot as a fat black furball streaks inside voicing her complaints at top volume. I never knew a cat to make so much goddamn noise. I manage to corral her into the laundry room and shut her in there, her last yowl echoing down the hallway after me.
Back in our bedroom, I once again slink past the bassinet but my thrilling return seems to have excited the dog, who gets up and shakes herself all over. She's filled with stupid Lab joy. Her tail thumps once, twice against the bassinet -- OBOY, OBOY, YOU'RE BACK -- and I do a little panicked dance, hissing shh! shhh! SHH!
I finally entice the dog to get back in her bed via some frantic pointing and whispered commands, and I crawl gratefully back under the covers. Please, I think to myself. Pleeeeeeease.
Suddenly a wet chomping noise fills the bedroom as the dog begins to gnaw at her own butt with a frenzy. Monchmonchmonchmonch. At the same moment, the weak latch on the laundry door gives way with a clatter and I hear the cat push the door open and walk down the hall to our room, meowing. Wow! Perroow! Merrh! Mah!
The dog is now licking herself. Slup. Slup. Slup. Slup.
The cat is sticking her paw under our door. Scrape. Scrape. Scrape.
And of course, the baby is waking up. Eh. Eh. Eh. Ehhhhhhhhh.
I entertain a vivid fantasy of cramming both pets into a sausage grinder. From one end protrudes their furry, useless rumps, from the other: fatty meat products. Then I get up, because what the hell, everyone ELSE is awake. Except my husband, but I go ahead and fix that with a well-aimed kick.
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Reader Comments (Page 1 of 2)
Karen 4-01-2008 @ 12:20PM
Why all the profanity in your posts? I'm not a prude, and known to use some language in real life, but it seems to stand out in your posts. This one and the no tv one in particular.
Just isn't necessary.
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claire 4-01-2008 @ 1:28PM
"All the profanity"? I only see ONE instance of profanity, and I had to go back and actively search for it.
Karen 4-01-2008 @ 2:36PM
Hmm...I guess it is only one incident in each post, but for some reason it jumped out at me today.
Jenn 4-01-2008 @ 2:03PM
I'm with claire...I see ONE "goddamn," and no other profanity. What are you referring to?
kim 4-02-2008 @ 1:17PM
I had to read it 3 times before I found "THE WORD". Good thing this is a blog for moms and not their children!
tall.princess 4-01-2008 @ 12:27PM
OMG! As someone with cats AND house rabbits I can so relate to the noise of pets and tip-toeing around. Thanks for the great belly laugh this afternoon... I needed it!
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the goddess anna 4-01-2008 @ 12:55PM
Heh. I can sleep through anything, except for the sound of my smaller cat licking his nipple-area. I feel your pain.
Hope you have popcorn, just in case the angry hordes come out for this post too... you know you can't admit that your feelings for your pets are less than perfect.
/sarc off : )
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biscuit 4-01-2008 @ 12:56PM
If you don't like Linda's style of writing, don't read it.
I'm sick of the bitching on here for YOU, plus I'm in super crabby mode because my fucking lab woke my baby up last night too!!! How uncanny @ the timing of your blog. Her big dumb friendly corn chip-smelling paws pacing the hall outside Maggie's room did it.
I hope there's room in that glorious pet meat grinder for her stank yellow butt too!
AMEN!
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Jennifer 4-01-2008 @ 1:00PM
I had to laugh out loud as I read this... I am so glad we trained our chihuahuas to sleep in their kennel (most nights they don't make a single peep from 10:00p til 7:30a- unless one of them has a bad dream.) The kennel will stay in our room even after the baby is born (in August.) Thanks for the laugh. :-)
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Olivia 4-01-2008 @ 1:43PM
My cats are pretty quiet, but the dog licking drives me crazy. And, there's no baby to wake, but I totally tip-toe to the bathroom if it's the middle of the night. Otherwise the dog wakes up and wants to go outside.
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ikate 4-01-2008 @ 1:56PM
Ugh - there is nothing worse than the click-click of a dogs nails on hardwood floors at 2 AM. For the love of god - he has a big cushy bed in the middle of a throw rug...why oh why does he have to be walking on the hardwoods!
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Jill 4-01-2008 @ 3:07PM
Made me laugh. When I first married my husband he had a Siamese cat- known for being loud. In the middle of the night she'd climb up on the bed and begin the most awful retching sounds as she prepared to spew a hairball on the bed (she wouldn't do this on the hardwood floors - it HAD to be carpet, upolstery or bedding). One night I was so tired I sort of flung her across the room. (Honestly I didn't intend to cause her pain! just to decrease my own! - and she was fine- don't freak!)
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Stephanie 4-01-2008 @ 3:39PM
My damn dog munches his ass all the freaking time. Slop, slop, slop. What the hell is down there that is so freaking tasty. That shit never smells good to me.
Then freaking motorboat that is my cat. She loves me most which basically means that I get to have her kneading her claws in the side of my face at 2:00 in the morning, right after she has woke me up with her 900 degree body pressed against me. Damn, I don't have kids yet for a reason. The pets are rotten enough!
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isisaquaria 4-01-2008 @ 3:44PM
Our black lab/chow mix is very nervous with the twins medical equipment-he sleeps in the bath that connects the MB to the rooms the twins are now in. If the beep pattern changes-we get a paw in the face-well my hubby does. He can't get into the rooms--so he paces until we acknowledge him-then pounce...in the middle of our bed.
On the bright side-he doesn't like the baby nurse-so he gets to stay in more.
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CLM 4-01-2008 @ 6:02PM
This is the second time I have laughed so hard I cried. First the shameful incident of the blue whale and now this. With two dogs and four cats, I know that panicked midnight dance well!
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Erica 4-01-2008 @ 9:11PM
Dude. What is with the "holier than thou" commenters on this damn site? Jebus, stop judging and bitching already. If you don't like Linda's post, STOP READING and don't waste anyone's time commenting.
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Mel 4-01-2008 @ 9:19PM
Yeah, I agree. And since what is good for the good is good for the gander, here is my advice: if you don't like the holier-than-thou comments, STOP READING them.
Two-way streets are so nice.
Heather-in-Australia 4-01-2008 @ 10:41PM
Jesus H-Nip-Tassle-Twirlin'-Christ, some of these commenters get their knickers in a twist over fuck all. The entertainment is endless.
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Heather-in-Australia 4-01-2008 @ 10:44PM
PS: You're abusing dog! You're abuuuuusiiiing dooooooooog!
Heh.
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Pam 4-02-2008 @ 8:45AM
Ooooo, you are going to get sooooo many comments on this one. Ha!
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