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The joy of pet ownership
Filed under: Just For Moms
It is 3 AM and I have been jolted from a deep slumber, for once not by the baby but by my cat, who is stationed outside our bedroom window yowling. I try very very hard to ignore her but she manages to penetrate the walls of the house with every meow. I poke my husband gently, then a little less gently. "WHURGH," he says, mid-snore. Wow. Mow. MEOW. WOW.
I lurch out of bed and tiptoe past the silent bassinet to the front door, which I try and open quietly, but my actions are rendered moot as a fat black furball streaks inside voicing her complaints at top volume. I never knew a cat to make so much goddamn noise. I manage to corral her into the laundry room and shut her in there, her last yowl echoing down the hallway after me.
Back in our bedroom, I once again slink past the bassinet but my thrilling return seems to have excited the dog, who gets up and shakes herself all over. She's filled with stupid Lab joy. Her tail thumps once, twice against the bassinet -- OBOY, OBOY, YOU'RE BACK -- and I do a little panicked dance, hissing shh! shhh! SHH!
I finally entice the dog to get back in her bed via some frantic pointing and whispered commands, and I crawl gratefully back under the covers. Please, I think to myself. Pleeeeeeease.
Suddenly a wet chomping noise fills the bedroom as the dog begins to gnaw at her own butt with a frenzy. Monchmonchmonchmonch. At the same moment, the weak latch on the laundry door gives way with a clatter and I hear the cat push the door open and walk down the hall to our room, meowing. Wow! Perroow! Merrh! Mah!
The dog is now licking herself. Slup. Slup. Slup. Slup.
The cat is sticking her paw under our door. Scrape. Scrape. Scrape.
And of course, the baby is waking up. Eh. Eh. Eh. Ehhhhhhhhh.
I entertain a vivid fantasy of cramming both pets into a sausage grinder. From one end protrudes their furry, useless rumps, from the other: fatty meat products. Then I get up, because what the hell, everyone ELSE is awake. Except my husband, but I go ahead and fix that with a well-aimed kick.
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ReaderComments (Page 2 of 2)
4-02-2008 @ 2:00PM
claire said...Linda,
it concerns me that you may be abusing your husband. "Fix that with a well-aimed kick"? Hmmmm, maybe you could just take your frustration out on the pets? Oh no, that would be considered too cruel.
(apparently, I crack myself up.)
Reply
4-02-2008 @ 2:03PM
emily said...Monchmonchmonch, slurpslurpslurp - HA! I think of you everytime I yell at my dog to STOP-IT! And my poor abused dog got the boot when my first was newborn (she went from my bed, to the floor when my husband moved in, to the living room) AND I put a gate at the end of the hallway so we can't hear her too-long toe nails on the hardword and stupid/happy tail hit the walls. Ahhh, the abuse!
Reply
4-06-2008 @ 9:42PM
bunny said...Our chihuahuas are "kenneled" for the night. Have ALWAYS been, since we adopted them. Just part of the "evening drill".
If you don't want your pets to wake you or the baby at night, I suggest kennel training.
It wasn't too late for our dogs: 2 of them were 9 when we adopted them and the 3rd was 8. They have all adjusted.......
The smartest thing we ever did was teach these dogs to sleep in plastic kennels!!!
Reply
4-08-2008 @ 12:05AM
Donna said...Dude, you knew I loved you already right? You just hit a new high in my heart with this one, I laughed till I cried literally, and I don't usually get so tickled by internet stuff, (especially when there are so many haters out there and on here obviously), anyway, you kill me man. And a big ol fuck you to those who think they need to be someone else's censor........who died and left you the internet police?
Reply
4-08-2008 @ 12:05AM
Donna said...And "jesus h nip tassel twirling christ".........lol at that one! Have to remember that.
Reply
4-11-2008 @ 1:44PM
Lori said...The cats get locked up in a room at night - I can't take their nocturnal antics and often times we wake to piles of steaming poo on the floor from one of them - spiteful creatures! One of them (whom we've nicknamed Bitch - he's an old crappy cat) sticks his claws under the door and shakes. And then the dog sleeps with us and not only has fits of licking his be-hind, he has "nightmares" twitching and wimpering in his sleep - I have to put my hand on him to wake him up! Fortunately, this didn't wake my daughter when she was in the room with and I'm hoping baby #2 is as oblivious to it all as she was. We often ask ourselve why do we have pets?
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