Babysitter quandaries

I'm not a mom, but I used to watch my friend's baby boy once a week when she went to an aerobics class. Since her class got out around dinner time she would ask me to stay and eat as a thankyou. I enjoyed the company, but it really wasn't necessary. My payment was getting to play with a cute baby for two hours.

Reply

I think it would only be "weird" if she has allowed others to watch the baby, but keeps refusing Melissa.

The mom just might not be ready to leave the baby with a sitter right now, regardless of who it is. I wasn't ready to leave my first child with a sitter for a long time. I refused my mother-in-law I don't know how many times before I was ready to be totally away from my child. I'm not talking about someone watching my child while I do something else at the same home/building. I'm talking about me leaving the premises without my child. I wasn't ready for that for a while.

With my first child I did try and force myself to "give myself a break" and let a sitter watch my child before I was really ready to leave my child. I felt pressure to, like there was something wrong with me if I didn't want to get away from my child for a while or I wasn't "trusting" the person offering. I was miserable during my entire break time. It wasn't a break. With my next two children I just politely declined early offers and moved on.

I'm not saying there's anything wrong with needing and wanting a break early on. I just don't like feeling pressured into anything.

Reply

Is there a nearby college? I used college students and just asked them to ask their friends if they had a conflict. I think the entire Alpha Gam sorority house spent time taking care of my boys.

We had our favorites!

Reply

i am very hesitant to let anyone watch my daughter for free. i guess it just seems like too much to ask, even if they have offered. you just never know if she's going to start demanding to go OUTSIDE! MINE! even if it's dark and cold and raining. and, really, you don't want your friends to hate your kids. you'd rather have someone say, well, at least i'm getting paid. Like yesterday, when she was with a paid babysitter and puked 3 times before I could get there, I felt much better about it than I would have if it was a free babysitter.

Reply

Call me a selfish free-loader, but as a single mom of a 2yo boy, I take help whenever I can get it! I have a good friend who lives a block away, and she has randomly called up when I have been at my whit's end to offer to take my son for a couple of hours. She never takes money from me, even when I try to shove it in her pockets.
I also have a good friend who does not like to go out with groups of people. I trust him with my son, and will ask him to stay at my house if I need a break or a night out with adults. It has allowed me to have "me time" (which is a very rare commodity as a single parent). My friends out-right refuse to take money from me. At first I was leary, but it is their way of lending a hand...and I absolutely love it.
Just recently have I hired an actual babysitter. It took me two years to leave my son with a person who I had not known for a decade, or was part of my family. I found her through my son's daycare as well. She is great, but makes for a VERY SPENDY night.
I really think who we decide to leave our children with varies from person to person..and, in my experience, my mom-gut-instinct hasn't lead me wrong yet!

Reply

I have a few friends who are wonderful people, but who I know I wouldn't leave my kids with unless it was a serious emergency. I love my friends, but not everyone is ready for my kids. Maybe Melissa's friend doesn't agree with her parenting style, or thinks she's not strict enough, or maybe her friend's child has medical problems (like mine does) and she doesn't want to spend the time teaching Melissa how to care for him and agonizing about wether everything is going well while she's out. I have not been out with my husband since August, and that was before we found out about the bulk of my son's medical problems. Probably won't be out without the kids for a long time, and I'm pretty much fine with that. It doesn't make you "weird" if you're uncomfortable leaving your kids, it makes you a loving, caring, and more-patient-than-most mother.

Reply

As a volunteer to watch my friends' babies/kids, I love it when they say yes. I get experience with babies and kids and the parents get a break. Up until about a year ago I had NO CLUE how to change a diaper (I am 33 years old, so not a spring chicken here). Thanks to one of my friends, I am a lot more comfortable around babies now because of her confidence in me. Don't think of it as freeloading on your friends that are volunteering, you could be doing them the favor of getting some practice.

Reply

we too have 2 kids (2 1/2 and 18 mos) and no sitters. We use my mom when possible, but she takes care of my dad who is in a wheelchair, and lives in Burien, while we reside in Kent... I don't like putting the kids to bed at her house and then getting them up in the middle of their sleepy night to drag them home across town.

But she's free. and we are cheap. So we do mostly day dates/gatherings. The time is coming though when we are going to have to bite the bullet and shell out dough for a sitter.

Reply

Do you have a local YMCA? Most have childcare services, plus it's a great way to get connected with the college/old high school kids who are into working with kids, but not "professionals" in the sense of daycare workers.

Most colleges have childcare "hookups" - students will ask to be included on a list that is published every semester. Parents can contact them.

I started sitting when I was in middle school. I took a "Safe Sitter" class from a local hospital, which included training in childcare and basic emergency procedures (CPR, mouth-to-mouth, food allergy, and "when to call the ambulance"). They had a published list of graduates.

For non-sketchy sitters, I would recommend any kind of "community", where a third party can vouch for both the sitter and the family. Maybe you could ask fellow moms in daycare to refer their family's sitters? I remember that that was always the best. I also got jobs through church, but that's a declining market.

Reply

I don't know as it has to do with her not trusting her... I have a friend who has 3 boys (2 teens and a 4 yr old) and I am constantly telling her to call me so that I can hang with them... She will only call if she has an emergency. She just does not want to put me out or anything. I am pregnant with my first child and somehow I don't think I will fall into that trap...I know how much work babies are and I welcome any help I can get. (I have a feeling she'll offer to help me out cause she is a sucker for babies...lol...) Oh and I do have friends who I won't be leaving my baby with...they just aren't responsible enough but if they want to come over and watch her while I am still around to get experience I am all for it.

Reply

I second college students. I did it in college and it is nice to create a relationship with a family. Especially with a family that may be willing to write a recommendation letter in the future. It might be good to post and interview in early ed programs. Then you can get people that really like kids.

Reply

I don't trust anyone with my 8 week old. It's also hard since I breastfeed, pumping doesn't make for ample supplies. I've had a couple friends offer to watch her for me (my entire family lives in a different state) so I can get out + run errands, BUT I feel that if they scratch my back then I gotta scratch theirs + frankly, I don't have the time or energy!

I would totally let my mom watch her, but with the in-laws, I'd have to stick around the house. My mother in law is quite monstrous.

Reply

I don't think one could ever judge a mom or dad for why they want or don't want to leave there kids with a certain person. There's so much going on here - is the mom ready to leave her children to anyone, is the friend used to taking care of kids, are the kids (in mom's view) easy to handle, is their home baby-safe enough to just leave the responsibility to someone else etc, etc.

Here are some tips regarding babysitting:

http://www.easybabylife.com/baby-sitter.html

Reply

I belong to a babysitting co-op with a few other trusted moms. We all agree on the same basic philosophies & made sure there were no in-house smokers, pools or guns in the mix (things we all feel stongly about) before we set up the group.
We now swap babysitting (after the kids are in bed) that allow us to get a few hours of much needed couple/alone time. It has been wonderful because we don't need to pay a sitter, but I don't feel like I am burdening anyone since the kids are asleep & I will be reciprocating with my time.

Reply

This happens to us a lot too - we've volunteered to watch the children of several friends and have never been taken up on it. I don't get offended. I've always gotten the impression that they're of the "Why the hell would anybody want to watch my kid(s) for free?" and would thus feel bad about not compensating us somehow.

In the case of one child, he's very particular about who sits for him (that makes him sound like such a brat, but he's really not!) and a sitter that he really loves. His mom and dad plan their evenings out around her availability.

Bottom line: I don't think Melissa should take any offense!

Reply

I understand not taking up friends on babysitting offers and it has nothing to do with the friend at all. I always feel that if something went wrong, whether minor or major, it might change the friendship. You don't want to ask a friend to do too many things and you don't want them to get mad if you do. I even feel this way about family watching my daughter. I have to pick and choose what I can say to them and ask of them because I don't want to hurt their feelings. So I guess I feel more comfortable having a babysitter who isn't so personally involved. But that's just me...either way, I would tell Melissa not to take it personally at all.

As for getting a babysitter, give SitterCity or a local college girl a try but have the sitter come at least once or twice and watch the boys while you are home. That way, you can get a few things done around the house and make sure this is, in fact, the person you will trust with your kids. It's never easy though. I've always had people cancel on me and many other moms I know have said the same thing. You are not alone! :)

Reply

I've had lots of offers, too. In the past six months, though, I've only left my kids three times outside of working hours (I have had a daytime nanny since January). Twice, I had my sister come (she begs me to let her babysit), and once, my nanny hung around for a couple of extra hours.

So there are folks I haven't used yet. Some of them I might use in a bind, but frankly, not all of them. For example, one tends to be rough with my kids and apparently believes in spanking kids early and often. Hmm, thanks, sure, I'll call ya. Also, my older daughter tends to react badly when she is stressed by changes, so I am not big on having her watched by people she doesn't know well. And even with close people, let's face it, even cuteness can wear out its welcome, so I would rather not call on them unless I really can't take the kids with me.

But, it is nice to have people who are willing to step in in case of emergency. It is a much-needed comfort for a very busy mom.

Reply

No sitters allowed here-if we can't take our children, we do not go...our life was ours before kids, and we made a decision to have them and raise them-we will go out w/o them when they are old enough or gone.

We chose to have children therefore, we live with the outcome of that choice. Besides, my girls are so much fun to be with, and the twins are showing similar personalities already--I cannot wait--this is just an awesome time-why miss it?

Reply

I think you must be talking about me.I have a few close friends who sometimes offer to babysit, and they seem really sincere, but I just can’t take them up on the offer. It’s not that I don’t think they can do it, it’s more like what other commenters have been saying about “putting them out.” I just think its too much to ask someone – even if they’re offering. What if something happened, what if my kid’s a jerk, what if they get offended that I call every hour?

I did actually tell a friend, who kept asking me to just tell her a date so she could come babysit, that I just would never do that because it’s too much to ask. She responded by forcing herself on us, telling ME the date she would show up. It was great! Maybe Melissa can force her friends to go out. Don’t leave it up to the parents to ask you.

Reply

What I would give to have local friends or family offer to babysit my 2.5 year old daughter. We have no sitter. We have no sitter services here, the community college was a dead-end, and the ads I have placed have yielded no one I would trust. I don't think it is unreasonable to ask that a sitter be older than 15 and able to respond to an advertisement in a mature fashion, using punctuation and proper spelling and the like. I have had no luck whatsoever.

Reply