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One-sided conversations with an 8-week-old

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Are you seriously waking up because you heard my laptop opening? Listen, it's not like I'm looking at PORN over here, Judgey.

Smiling like that will get you nothing, Mr. Manipulator, except your mother's total inability to act like a rational adult. Who's a mushy? Who's a poochy? Dylan is! Yes you are!

Hey, nothing quite like a freshly-changed diaper to poop on, huh? Unless of course it's my HAND.

"Goo"? You seriously just said "goo". That was so over-the-top cute I am looking for the hidden cameras.

Get your little squirrel paws out of your mouth, dude, I'm trying to feed you over here. Don't make me break out the duct tape.

I hate to tell you this, but you have a zit. I mean, don't get me wrong, it's an adorable zit, but I'm not sure this bodes well for your teen years.

Did I not just file those nails yesterday? You are like a teeny tiny Wolverine.

The full-body joyful squirming is enough on its own, you don't have to add the openmouthed smiling and cooing. How much can a person be expected to take? My god, my heart is like an over-saturated sponge dinosaur.

Say, what's with all the grunting? . . . Oh.

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AdviceMama Says:
Start by teaching him that it is safe to do so.