Rules when visiting other people's homes

by Linda Lee (Subscribe to Linda Lee's posts) Apr 9th 2008 9:00AM

Categories: Toddlers

So here we all are staying with family for a few days and I fully expected that my 2.5-year-old would act up a little or maybe a lot, being as how his dad is out of town (which is why we're staying with family) and we're away from our home environment and Riley tends to get a little obnoxious around the grandparents anyway. And while he's been pretty good overall so far, he's definitely testing some limits. For instance, he's been using the couches here as a launch pad, despite the fact that he's not allowed to jump on the furniture at home.

Riley's grandparents don't really mind certain things that we do: for instance, the couch-jumping. So I'm wondering, when you visit other people's homes, do you enforce the same rules? The couch aerobics isn't really a question for me because hello, ANNOYING, and also dangerous, but I'm questioning things like No Juice Cups Allowed In the Carpet Rooms, which is something we do at home but no one minds it here.

What do you think? Keep rules for the sake of consistency, or allow flexibility in different situations?

Comments (26)

Reader Comments (Page 1 of 2)

isisaquaria 4-09-2008 @ 9:23AM

Your child-Your rules. At 2.5, he needs as much consistentcy as possible. If you don't allow it at home, then don't allow it anywhere. Once Riley and Dylan are older, grandparents may allow things that you wouldn't-if you want to be flexible then...maybe. But not at 2.5, with daddy gone and a nb--too many changes or inconsistentcy may bite you in the a** when you guys get back home.

Uly 4-11-2008 @ 9:21PM

Agreed. When he's four, or five, you can say "Couch jumping is ONLY OKAY at Grandma's house, but never at our house", and kids understand that different people have different rules.

But at that age... it's a toss-up, really, and why risk it?

SKL 4-09-2008 @ 9:36AM

Since my rules are about safety and consideration, they apply everywhere. The no juice cup, for example - that is about not spilling juice on Granny's rug, not about whether or not Granny is permissive about it.

eugene 4-09-2008 @ 9:51AM

It's about consistency for me and it's ALL about not having the "but so-so lets me do/have it".

Christina 4-09-2008 @ 9:56AM

Stick with the rules as best you can or else when you get home it will be a hellish transition back! Trust me!

maria 4-09-2008 @ 10:00AM

I agree w/consistency - but at some point - kids are old enough to know that different homes have different rules. Safety first and foremost - and I'd agree w/the jumping on sofa and jumping on beds (my brother broke his arm jumping on his bed and my kids know that;) We often talk about "House Rules" 2 is a little young to get this problem - (how soon we forget my youngest of 3 is almost 4...)

Jessica 4-09-2008 @ 10:32AM

I agree wholeheartedly with the other commenters: consistency is key. Rules are rules everywhere, not just some places.

It drives me bananas when I am trying to enforce my rules somewhere else and the somewhere-else-person says "oh, that's ok, I don't mind". No, it isn't ok b/c I am trying to teach my little munchkin how to behave appropriately, or what I deem appropriately and that appropriate behavior is expected EVERYWHERE and EVERY TIME, not just some places and sometimes.

Uly 4-11-2008 @ 9:21PM

Oh, god, yes.

I visited somebody once with my older niece (whom I watch during the day, so I'm an Authorized Rule Giver, aka "Grownup" for her), and this woman apparently allows her child to chase her cat all around the house - even when the cat is clearly getting annoyed.

Well, I teach my nieces to be respectful towards animals, and very firmly tell them that if you bother animals, you'll get bitten and it'll be your fault - end of story. So I didn't let her join in the fun with this other kid and her friend.

"Oh, that's all right, the cat's declawed!"

*sighs*

I refrained from pointing out that declawing is inhumane (especially for a cat they allow to go outdoors), and also refrained from pointing out that this meant that the frustrated cat would simply bite instead of scratching, and just reiterated that my niece was not allowed to bother animals. (Repeatedly, because the woman kept trying to undermine me like that. I could have screamed.)

mamaloo 4-09-2008 @ 10:37AM

Agreed!

We try really hard to be consistent. However, sometimes we change things up, but only after a negotiation so that my son knows that there is a rule and that in this instance we are making an exception, and why we are doing that.

Heather 4-09-2008 @ 10:46AM

I'm going to be the dissenter. I always said that no habits, good or bad, acquired on vacation every stick. Mine are 13 and 7 now and that was always the case.

Heather 4-09-2008 @ 10:47AM

Sorry...I meant EVER stick....

Beth Anne 4-09-2008 @ 10:52AM

My thoughts are that grandparents are there to "spoil" the kids. Just tell Riley, what we do here, doesn't mean we can do it at home. Of course he probably won't understand it, but you'll just have to reinforce your own rules when you get home (that should be a FUN week). You have so much more on your plate, try not to worry about this stuff. You want to wait until the END of the week to start pulling your hair out :)

Andrea 4-09-2008 @ 11:06AM

When we're at our house, I expect my kids to behave a certain way for their own safety and for the consideration of our environment, i.e. I don't want juice spills on the carpet or food thrown on the floor or furniture jumped on. It's hard enough to vacuum up cat hair let alone sticky juice slimed cat hair.

When we're at someone else's house, those same rules seem to be reasonable as well to just maintain a polite respect for other people's things. So for the sake of manners, I try to stay consistent about the same rules we have at home. I find myself saying a lot, "You don't run through the house at home, so you don't run through the house of a friend."

Cacklin Rose 4-09-2008 @ 11:37AM

Be consistent. It would be different if he were spending time with his grandparents away from you and they were all, sure! Let's finger paint in the white, formal living room. You're there, you're his mother, and you have to think about what hell it's going to be getting him back on track when you get home.

Shawna 4-09-2008 @ 12:14PM

I'm dissenting as well, but in a more wishy-washy way. Any rules that we have based on safety are, of course, non-negotiable, and consideration for the host (and the host's property) is also a primary concern, but I do distinguish between house rules and rules in other places.

For example, my daughter doesn't eat a lot of refined sugar, but when we were on vacation in Cuba in January you can bet I let her (and myself too!) have ice cream every single day. We try to get her to bed around 8pm at home, but she stays up a bit later when we're at her grandparents. And we haven't had any problems going back to normal once we're home and re-established in our routines. Even at two she seems to "get" that things are a certain way at home, even if they're different elsewhere.

I think being able to go a little bit outside the normal boundaries from time to time is what makes those occasions special. I grew up in with a hippy-ish mom who enforced a healthy, homemade diet, but putting aside from my current appreciation of the healthy eating habits she instilled in me, the memorable stuff included things like the rare hot chocolate with whipped cream (made from our own cow's milk and cream! yum!) that sometimes awaited us when we got in from playing in the snow. Or being allowed to stay up until midnight to watch Singin' in the Rain with my father.

Constant treats makes them not really treats, but allowing occasional stuff you wouldn't normally in specific situations, well, to me that's the stuff nostalgia is made of.

SKL 4-09-2008 @ 12:20PM

Most posters are mentioning that the kids will be difficult when you try to go back to your normal routine.

What is more important to me is that my kids learn to respect others (and themselves) and act accordingly. I expect my kids to be respectful and considerate toward their grandparents, my adult friends, shopkeepers, etc., and I expect each and every action to reflect that, to the extent they are capable of it. If they seem to be losing track of the boundaries, my correction will include an explanation that they need to respect others' feelings and property. My girls are 1.5 and under, but they understand this at a rudimentary level.

isisaquaria 4-09-2008 @ 3:00PM

True, but if you are teaching the rules by usinghe "respect" angle-(or safety) then the consistency reinforces that.

If you say --because I said so--in the end, consistency or not-it may not matter.

Do you not have more respect for someone who is consistent with you-work or otherwise? The same goes for children.

SKL 4-09-2008 @ 3:28PM

Isis, I am not sure I understand your question. If you are asking whether I have more respect for people who agree with me than for those who disagree, I would have to say no, that is not true, nor would I encourage my kids to think that way. If there is any connection between my respect for a person and their opinions, it relates to the process and attitudes that went into forming those opinions. Since I rarely know that much about a person's background, I rarely judge by a person's opinions. By their "respect" for my (and others') opinions, yes.

Eva 4-09-2008 @ 12:34PM

I tend to do things the same no matter where we are, but then I don't really have a lot of rules beyond "only throw balls."

courtney 4-09-2008 @ 1:18PM

We do our rules plus any the grandparents have...although for us they're pretty much the same rules. Except in regards to the pantry and fridge...at our house they are allowed to help themselves but in other people's homes that's a big no no-even at the grandparents. Mostly I just try to instill respect for others and their belongings.

| 1 | 2 | Most Recent | Next 20 Comments

How To Submit Photos:
If you'd like your children (any age will do!) featured on ParentDish, upload photos into the ParentDish Flickr Pool. Be sure to read our main Flickr page for more information.