Bribing your kids
Filed under: Just For Moms, Just For Dads, Relatives, Development/Milestones: Babies, In The News, Media, Toys
Do you bribe your kids? Do you think you should? Do you think every time you do it that someone up there is keeping track of your parenting decisions but that you had no choice? If you do, I am sure you are not alone.
My son is not old enough to need to be bribed, yet. At least I don't think he is. I gave him what amounts to basically an entire English muffin on the car ride home yesterday to keep him from advising me, loudly, once again, that he does NOT prefer to be in his car seat any longer. He is one.
Parents of children of all ages seem to bribe them. Perhaps not all the time, but when the occasion calls for it. Some do it just to get the kid to do something they don't want to have to work hard to get them to do. Cash works well for that. So does candy.
When I was a kid I fondly remember being about eight years old and preparing to spend the night with my grandparents, who lived about three hours away in the country. My mom, not wanting to part with me at such a young age when it came down to it--even though she'd thought she would be fine with it and had driven me down there one Friday night to stay alone with them Saturday night--secretly offered me $25 to come home with her the next day instead of staying.
I proudly announced to my grandparents the next day that I'd thought about it and that I would take the $25. That bribery sort of backfired on my mother, but it is a funny story we tell to this day.
Some parents turn to bribery when they see no other solution. It worked for my mother--at least that one time. Some parents consider giving anything in return for good grades or doing chores bribery; others see it as a way to get good results while keeping everyone happy and teaching the kid not only about good grades and taking part in the family responsibilities, but business too.
Whether or not we bribe doesn't seem to be in question. Rather, what we bribe with and how effective it is seems to be the hot topic of late. So what do you bribe your kid with? Does it change depending on the seriousness of the situation? Does it change depending on the week or does the same thing always work? Sometimes a little creativity is called for.
Daniel Madariaga of www.kidsizebribes.com offers a bad of goodies that parents can choose from depending on the severity of the situation. Others resort to a favorite standby: cold, hard cash. Perhaps that isn't such a creative measure but it certainly seems to work. It did for me when I was faced with the choice of spending the night or getting what, to me, at the time, amounted to millions.
Pic of cash by Tracy O.
TheTalkies:RelatedVideos
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To Bribe Or Not To Bribe
Full Segment: Does presenting bribes to children only address problems in the short-term? Do kids end up behaving merely to get the reward? And is that a bad thing? Parents discuss.
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Parenting - Kids and Discipline Across Cultures
Parenting - Cultural Differences in Disciplining Kids - as part of the news and politics series by GeoBeats.
In Papua New Guinea, there are tribes that inflict cuts on their young as they believe that the experiences will turn them into disciplined men.
While few parents would go to such extremes, most have their bag of tricks to discipline children. We ask; we plead; we threaten; we bribe; we punish, and still – they just won't listen!
From permissive to draconian, with differing cultural
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Mother: I Bribe My Kids When Things Get Desperate
Cristina Ramirez explains when she uses discipline and when she uses bribery to raise her kids, and how both can be effective tools.
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Kitchen Kids - Parenting Tips on Cooking with Kids
Chef Gino Campagna from the Kitchen Kids explains how to make cooking fun for children and yourself.
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ReaderComments (Page 1 of 1)
4-13-2008 @ 11:28PM
nancy said...my daughters (9 and 10) start out with $5 a week each for allowance. because they tend to bicker (which irritates the heck out of me) i keep a notebook.. they fear the notebook! if i catch one of them (or both if i cant decide who is at fault) being mean to one another, i deduct a certain amount of money, depending of the severity of the action.. also, if i catch them doing a nice thing that is considerate and i didnt ask them to do it, i add money.. it works, trust me.. and im a strict mom, not one of those moms who think kids need to feel good all the time.. but this one is a good deal, trust me..
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4-14-2008 @ 3:54AM
Natasha said...I don't use bribery as such but I am lucky enough that as yet my DDs (2 yrs, 3.5 yrs) are great believers in non-monetary, non-candy rewards and treats which they get on the afternoon we clean house together, and if they get some special achievement. After we've dusted, vacuumed etc we all sit down to a delicious smoothie. And if someone does well in swimming, an exam or plays a music concert they get to eat dinner from a huge spotty plate - I 'borrowed' this idea from Jennie Garth saying she did this on celebrity-babies.com! Anyway my point is that if parents are looking for non-material, sugary ways to 'bribe' then I would recommend these methods.
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4-14-2008 @ 10:04AM
Jessica said...What is a huge spotty plate??? Just curious....
4-14-2008 @ 7:58PM
Clarisssa said...Bribery does not work....ever
I never bribe my daughter. For one reason. Kids catch on quick and will turn bribery against you.
One day they want something, and the next thing you know you are baraged with a multitudes of "I'll do this, if you give me that".
To bribe a child is to teach them that "if I behave badly, mom or dad will give me this because they want me to behave. The worse I behave the better the "prize".
In my house chores are chores and must be done. And no I don't give an allowance. I shouldn't have to pay my child to do housework that must be done.
Now on the other hand if she does something that she has not been asked to do, then I might reward her for her efforts. I may give her a bit of money or offer her choice of a couple of things. It depends on what she did.
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4-14-2008 @ 11:05AM
Natasha said...Hmm....and here was me thinking I didn't use bribery! I think sitting down as a family and drinking smoothie is a lovely reward after doing the weekly home cleaning, just as I reward myself with a pamper or cup of tea after doing something that isn't huge fun, so I don't personally perceive it as bribery. Every single morning my kids put the laundry in the washer, their dirty plates in the dishwasher, their dirty clothes in the basket, fold their pyjamas and put them under their pillow etc and I don't need to bribe them. I was just suggesting some non-monetary/sugary methods for those who do want to use bribery! Everyone does things differently and I know rewarding my kids with praise or healthy treats is something I employ and enjoy, however other people view it. Oh yes & the 'huge spotty plate' is just a big round plate with different coloured circles on that I picked up from a ceramic store; I don't know which plate Jennie Garth uses but you can make anything special/fun if you try!
4-14-2008 @ 1:16PM
Clarisssa said...Natasha I think sitting down after doing the chores for a smoothie is a great idea and no it's not bribery, it's positive reinforcement.
To me bribery is when the "treat" comes BEFORE the desired act or behavior.
Like for instance if you say to your child, I'll give you a candy now if you clean your room after you get it. That's why bribery doesn't work. Because often after the child gets the treat what ever it maybe they soon forget to hold up their end of the deal. Which leaves the parent frusterated and the kid in control.
Positive reninforcement comes after the child has complied. You have asked your child to pick up their toys, the child complies and then gets a reward for doing so. If the child does not pick up the toys, the child does not get the treat and they learn that in order to get what they want they must work towards it.
4-15-2008 @ 3:39AM
Natasha said...Thanks for making things clear Clarissa - "positive reinforcement" - I now have a phrase for what I do! I think in my original post I was more concerned about suggesting things that were non-monetary & not so healthy if Moms were going to bribe anyway - I often see toddlers bribed with candy and work with families who have no idea how to get their children to do what they want. I have really enjoyed reading this whole discussion, nearly as interesting as the one going on about how you get toddlers to eat their dinner!
4-14-2008 @ 8:49AM
the goddess anna said...I've bribed the kids before. If they're acting up in the store, I give them the choice of being good (and not being sent to their room at home) - the bribe being a reduction in punishment.
Pennies do wonders too - my one son will do anything for a penny, and ten minutes later he'll give it back to me. I've been using the same penny for months. I think the key is to not do it often. If the kid starts demanding bribes, it can go a few different ways: remind the kid you are the parent, not him/her; laugh; turn it back onto the child (if you clean your room, I'll let you sleep in your bed tonight; if you do the dishes, you get to eat dinner). I think some parents forget they're the ones in charge sometimes.
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4-14-2008 @ 9:34AM
Jen Henry said...I guess perhaps what I do is bribery to a degree....or at the very least unexpected bribery.
We had started a reward chart while potty training DD and it failed miserably. She would do anything for the reward but if there was no reward she would do nothing. We also found that she began to expect rewards for other things we asked her to do. The day she turned to me at age 3 and asked what she was going to GET for picking up her toys I lost it. We were through with rewards. I ended up giving her the same speech my mother gave me. You're part of a family, we all have jobs, that's one of your jobs, I'll help you, I won't do it for you.
She whined and cried but I held firm.
Then randomly about a month later we were in a store and I let her pick out a small toy. I told her I had been impressed with how well she'd been using the potty and picking up her room. She totally beamed.
She now has a much better attitude about everything, and some days I even reward her for her it...but she never knows when.
Jen
http://furoreandfrenzy.com
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4-14-2008 @ 11:10AM
aprilkelm said...My dad used to bribe us, but not really for behavior-related things. I played soccer when I was 5, and I would just stand in my "position" because that is where the coach said to stand, and I didn't understand the concept. So my dad would try to tell me that I could move around and I didn't believe him. Then he told me he would pay me 5 dollars for every time I kicked the ball in the game. I kicked it twice to get 10 bucks. He also paid my brother 5 dollars to learn to tie his shoes and to taste a bite of watermelon. I don't think there's anything wrong with it.
If he had said, i'll give you 5 bucks to stop misbehaving, okay, that would be a problem. But misbehaving had other consequences, and we knew about those, too. And if we ever asked for a bribe, he wouldn't do it. He was so on to us.
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4-14-2008 @ 7:55PM
Jill said...I strongly suggest that you do not bribe your 1yo to stay in his carseat quietly. You will be setting yourself up for years of bribery. If you can live through a difficult few weeks while he fusses and complains about his carseat, you will both come out unscathed. He will learn that some things (his safety among them) are not choices. You will learn that even the issues that make you miserable are short lived with kids, and they'll go away whether you bribe them away or not. New issues will take their place, and if you've bribed them on the first fuss, they'll know that if they fuss long enough and loud enough, another bribe may come their way. Intermittent reinforcement. The strongest kind.
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4-14-2008 @ 12:03PM
isisaquaria said...No
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4-14-2008 @ 7:56PM
J Jordan said...Ah, Jill--you are SO right. Bribery only leads to more bribery, I imagine. I actually think now that he wasn't upset about the carseat, but really wanted that English muffin, and knew just how to get it! :)
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4-14-2008 @ 7:59PM
J Jordan said...Hi, Clarissa. You bring up a really good point--rewarding rather than bribing. When a child does something on her own that is nice or helpful and then gets something nice in return she may be more likely to continue with the good behavior rather than using the bad behavior as a way of getting more of something. I'll have to keep that in mind for Mr. Pickles as he gets older!
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4-15-2008 @ 8:46AM
Clarissa said...Hi J Jordan, remember though consistancy is the key.
If you tell your child that they can have a treat after they pick up their toys, but instead of picking up the toys they throw a fit and you give in and give the treat, you are reinforcing the bad behavior and not the good behavior.
If you say you are going to do something if they do something FOLLOW THROUGH no matter if it is a form of discipline or a reward for a job well done. In doing so your child will come to know that you mean what you say and you will earn their respect and trust.
So often many parents think that a child should respect them because well they are the parents. To me that is just not how it works. Respect and trust is earned not freely given for both parents and child.
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