Selma Hayak dishes on parenthood

I think what Salma Hayak was trying to say is that waiting until she was older to start a family was the right thing FOR HER. That when she was in her 20s, she was open to ALL the possibilities life had to offer. I see no narcissism in her statements.

We all know (and you said it yourself, Rachel) that when you choose to have children and choose to stay home to raise them, that your career is curtailed. For many, other opportunities are as well, because your children's physical, material and emotional needs take precedence (as they should).

Who's to say when it's the right time to have children, any more than how many to have? It's a personal decision, and there are benefits to both.

If you have children young, you have more energy. If you wait until you're older you have more life experience.

I started my family in my mid-30s and wouldn't change it for the world. I love being a mom. I simply had NO idea what it would bring into my life.

I truly believe I am a much better mother in my 30s than I could have ever been in my teens or 20s. Sure I wish I had more energy, but I never wish I had anything else (well, maybe a little more money :) because I experienced everything I needed & wanted to beforehand. I had time to work out my relationship issues. I had a career in NYC as a graphic artist, was a competitive ballroom dancer, lived in San Francisco and Italy, graduated from college, travelled Europe. Maybe another mother could do all those things while simultaneously parenting, but not me.

But that's the point. You do what is right for you, and when the time is right--when God blesses you with a child--that's when you start your family. There's no right or wrong.

I admire all mothers, young and old. Working in NY, I was surrounded by career women and I could see what a difficult decision it was, choosing career or family--not for narcissistic reasons, but simply because they had worked hard doing something they loved and it's hard to give that up. On the other hand, many of them had kids and managed both easily.

When I married my Air Force husband I was introduced to another world...lots of very young mothers who had no career ambitions. They had a simple and beautiful desire to start families. It was a great experience for me to witness both sides of the coin so closely.

My sister-in-law had her first child at 19. Now in her mid-30s, her child-rearing days are winding down and her career as a photographer is gearing up. In some small ways I envy the freedom that lies ahead of her, as I'm facing 40 with a 3-year-old. On the other hand, I don't feel like I've missed out on anything, and know my sister-in-law misses being able to cuddle her babies on her lap.

So it all comes down to what's right for you. And is Salma Hayak feels she can relax and be a better mother and focus all her attention on her child now more so than she could have 20 years ago, who are we to judge her?

Reply

Ita with previous poster. Well said.

Reply

I am not particularly angered by what Selma said. She has made a lot of choices (having a child at 40, not getting married, having a mate that lives in another country) that could be frowned upon by others and i think she was largely just trying to explain that while her life may not have taken what some feel is the "right" path, it has worked for her. I love to see her talk she has the glow that first time mothers have in their first year.

With that being said, I do not think it is a question of judging Selma. I feel that the larger issue is that we as women need to respect each other’s choices and learn how to express what has worked for us without, unintentionally or purposely, criticizing the path that others have taken. We need to understand that we come from different cultures, economical situations, and do not all share the same ambitions. I read a lot of blogs and talk with a plenty of mothers and there seems to always be an issue, young mother versus later in life moms...those who breast fed versus those who did not...and especially working moms versus those who stay at home. i just feel that we should be respectful of others choices and not create in atmosphere in which mothers are afraid to talk with each other.

Reply

This is such a niche topic. A quarter of first-time babies are to women in their early babies. Only .2% of first-time babies are to women in their 40s for fertility and other reasons. At any rate, it depends so much on the personality of the parents that I find it impossible to generalize.

Reply

"in their early twenties" I should have said.

Reply

There are pros and cons to starting a family very young, and pros and cons to having them much later (late 30's and beyond).

The first thing I think about is the energy--biologically you have more energy the younger you are. Of course you are also more fertile the younger you are, so having a large family at a younger age makes sense. Mother nature knows!

I had all my kids in my 30's. I have four kids, having my last at age 35. For me, I wanted to have all my kids close in age and no more babies after age 35 when the pregnancy risks increase. I'm so blessed that things worked out in my favor because now I'm having some female problems and I may have not gotten pregnant if I had waited.

I do think waiting until you are out of your 20's to have kids often makes you a smarter mother, as you have had more life experiences, and possibly a higher education. On the other hand, having your kids younger means you and your hubby/partner with have an empty nest sooner in life, and may be able to enjoy those years after the kids while you are younger and healthier.

What I don't like about Selma's statement, is that I don't want it to give false hope to other women who have ticking biological clocks and want to have children naturally. She is very lucky that she was able to conceive and have her first child at age 41, with no complications to her or the baby. Not to mention the higher risk of birth defects and problems to the mother. Many women are not that lucky. In reality, fertility peaks some time in the 20's and goes down from there. A friend of mine had her first baby in her 20' s and then could not get pregnant again in her 30's without expensive and painful fertility treatments. Hollywood makes anything seem possible because the positive situations are always flaunted in the limelight.

I'm happy for Selma, but I don't think she should be saying at age 41 it's the "best" time to start a family, because for most I just don't think it is.

Reply

I started having children in my mid twenties. the fact is we were mature, financially well, and were ready emotionally. I can play tag for an hours, chase after them, and not feel exhausted at the end of the day. I never felt like I missed any part of living my life because they are all I wanted. Perhaps for her, having kids when older is a good thing. I say different stokes for different folks. I couldn't imagine having a teenager when I was approaching 60. I have a friend who had her child when she was 43, now at 51 with an 8 year old, she gets labeled 'grandma' by strangers a lot. That to me just wouldn't work!

Reply

Just FYI her name is Salma Hayek, not Selma.

Reply

I had my first when I was 17, which I certainly don't recommend to anyone. My next was born when I was 25, then 27.

I grew up with "older" parents - at least for the time period and area I grew up. My mom was 30 when I was born and my dad 38. They also had poor health and had to work a lot more than other parents, and I didn't want to repeat those things.

So I had kids younger, but my husband was 42 and 44 when our sons were born. The advantage is that he has a well-paying job where he only has to go IN to work 2 days a week (college professor who does most of his work from home). We are also both healthy, and I'm a SAHM. We're probably going to have more kids, too.

Is there a "right" age to have kids? Of course not - there are times when it is better (I'd recommend you wait until after that magical 21st birthday, at least), and times that work better for some people. There will *always* be pros and cons - if I'd waited until I was older before having my sons, maybe I might have a college degree and "career" by now, but then my husband would have been in his 50s before we started. I'm happy how it is now, and I think each woman has to figure out what's best for her.

Reply

I'm a young mom. I had my son a month before my 24th birthday and I don't feel like I'm missing out at all. I was never into the club/partying scene like some of my friends. I was always family oriented. In fact, many of my college classmates were starting families before they finished their degrees. As an educated woman, I feel insulted that someone would think I wouldn't know how to care for my child simply because of my age. everyone has a different situation. If I said that I helped my sister raise her kids while I was in high school, would she still think I was ill-equipped to raise a child?

Reply

If you feel good about yourself and the choices you make, then you won't take issue at every little thing someone says (famous or otherwise) about their choices. Someone else's choices have nothing to do with mine. Other people's opinions, should they differ from mine, have no bearing on me, personally. Perhaps if Selma Hayek's bubbley and joyful explanation of why she's happy she finally had a child is too much for you to bear, maybe you need to evaluate your own life and your own choices and see where you went wrong.

Reply

I would have to disagree with Ms. Hayek. It may be right for her, but not for someone else. In my opinion she was pretty much telling everyone to wait until their 40's to have a kid. In my opinion that is way to old to be starting a family. If you start your family at 40, by the time the child is 18 you will be 58. If your child waits until they are 40 to have a child, you will be 80. You likely won't even be able to really enjoy your grandchildren, let alone not be able to meet your great-grandchildren.

I was 19 when I had my daughter. She just turned 13 and I'm 32 (will be 33 in Oct). My Husband was 21 when she was born is now 35.

We are looking very forward to being able to go and do as we please once our daughter is an adult.

In 5 short years she will be 18. I will be 38 my husband just 40. We will still be young enough to do the things we want to do.

For us having our child young was a excellant choice that has worked out very well.

I'm not saying that all people should have their kids young like we did, but I am saying that doing so has some very good advantages. However there are people that should wait until they are older. Some for instance like to party hard or travel and a child would be a tie down.

My husband and I were never into the party scene so the logical next step for us after marriage was to start our family.

Reply

I think it so much depends on the individual. I do have quite a few friends who didn't have children until their late 30s and early 40s for whom it's worked out great to do things in that order.

For me, I always knew I wanted to be a mother but haven't particularly felt a strong calling to a particular career path beyond that. I thought it'd be great for me to have children earlier and that way if I figured out a career I would be able to pursue that after the children were in school as I would still be young enough.

Also in the event that I am blessed with grandchildren I would love to be young enough to be able to help out -- my mother is in her 50s and is fantastic with my daughter but MIL is in her early 70s and much as she loves to spend time with my daughter gets tired out quickly (whereas with the eldest of her grandchildren she still had the energy - and proximity - to care for them while their parents worked).

Of course while it's easy enough to dream and plan, things don't always work out quite the way you think you want! I had fertility issues and a child who died at birth, so while I felt ready for children in my mid-twenties my daughter didn't arrive until just after I turned 30. I wouldn't give her up of course, but I do still wish we could have got pregnant sooner and am nervous that it will be hard to get pregnant again.

(Also my husband always wanted a family too, and a bigger one than I'd considered before, but didn't feel the same urgency I did because his mother started at 30 and had him in her late 30s. His mother was horrified that that was what he took from her life since she would have started earlier if circumstances had allowed.)

Reply

I guess I'm in the middle of the road, having had one child in my late 20's and two in my early 30's.

It is true that many women are waiting these days until their late 30's or early 40's to have a child. We see so many celebrities taking this course of action that it is easy to believe that it is realistic to do this in our own life. Unfortunately, the truth is that fertility declines sharply after age 35 and even more so after age 40. Some lucky people can get pregnancy easily at these ages, but for most, it will not be so easy.
Women who delay childbearing until their 40's because they don't want to "miss out" on anything may actually end up "missing out" on having a child.
Having a child is certainly a serious decision that should not be undertaken lightly and without consideration of timing, but in my opinion, it also is something that shouldn't be put off indefinitely.

Reply

In response to Gabby and ELR,

Motherhood is a sensitive subject to alot of women, whether you are proud of your choices or not. And no one is starting a campaign to have Selma removed from the planet, taking 10 minutes from your day to type a response does not mean your having a life crisis over a statement that was made.

"I do know that I feel fortunate to not be up late at night while the rest of the family sleeps still trying to fulfill myself in personal career endeavor's doing research on the computer or writing a blog...my past accomplishments and my present family do that for me...without the need to bash other's!"

-was that comment really necessary...

Reply

I apologize if the comment was in poor taste but I have to say, I love Parent Dish and then when one of these blog's get's highlighted or I pop over to them (rarely) their is always something that get's my blood pumping. Parenting is challenging, rewarding, frustrating and fulfilling...no one is perfect and we all try our hardest to raise our children with the best intentions. This blog seem's more often that not to almost have topic's to inflame and cause unnecessary judgement and debate...to question or downgrade other mom's choice's or words..."Should kids go to KidsGym when they can play in the backyard?" "Why did the parent's of the teen daughter let her get corrective breast surgery only to die?" "Can a stripper really be a good Mom?".
I applaud all parent's in their efforts to learn from other Mom's & Dad's on site's such as this and do the best for their children by gaining as much knowledge, ideas & tips available...this particular blog on Parent Dish just seems to tear them down.
Couldn't help myself in the childish dig...sorry...it just felt appropriate:)

Reply