Spankings as discipline
Categories: Toddlers, Development
It's one of the reasons I refuse to spank/beat/whatever-word-you-like my kid, and to be honest, it's the same reason I don't think anyone else should, either. Who has the temperament and self-control to be trusted never to cross the line between discipline and abuse? You? Are you sure about that? I'd want to be pretty sure myself, but that's just me.I read the above in a blog post by the always-talented blogger and now Fancy Published Author Rob Rummel-Hudson and it perfectly articulates my feelings on spankings as a form of discipline.
To me, if a transgression is spank-worthy, I've probably already passed the point where I can trust myself to dole out an appropriate (if there even is such a thing) physical punishment. If my toddler has committed the sort of crime where I feel a spanking is the only option to truly drive home my message, well, I don't think I should be hitting him while I'm in that frame of mind. Because I'm probably furious. Or terrified (ie, he's just run into traffic). Or frustrated because he's not listening, or reacting because he's just purposefully done something to anger me.
I remember an incident not too long ago when I was trying to get him into his pajamas and he was cranky and resisting and thrashing around and he kicked me more than once, until I just lost my temper and took hold of his legs and gripped him too hard while yelling at him to STOP! KICKING! and I could feel myself wanting to smack him. To smack my little boy -- for being tired and grouchy and 2.5 years old -- it hurts my heart and shames me to even type that.
I believe in discipline and I'm no wuss about making my kid unhappy if that's what the situation warrants (being given a time out, for instance), but I don't want to resort to hitting him. I don't want him to get the message that that's how we resolve problems, for one thing, and I don't want to feel out of control when I'm dealing with him.
Tell me, how do you feel about spankings?
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Reader Comments (Page 1 of 8)
Lori 4-21-2008 @ 1:17PM
I feel fine about spankings. For the most part, we use a 1,2,3, then time out method for disciplining my son and it works really well. However, there have been several occassions where I felt a spanking was warranted -- twice for running away from me in a public place, and once when he got mad and spit on me. I'm confident that I didn't, and wouldn't, cross a line to abuse when I spanked him. A couple of swats on a clothed backside is not abuse, in my opinion. I've felt worse about myself as a mother when I've lost my temper and yelled at my son, than when I disciplined him with a spanking. I think words can be much more damaging. I'd rather see a parent give a child a spanking to get a point across than yell at them.
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Linda 4-21-2008 @ 1:27PM
It's interesting because my parents spanked me and I don't think it made me into a person who resorts to hitting to solve problems (a common argument against spanking). In fact, I do not spank my kids (4 and almost 2). Mostly due to the argument in Linda's posting. If one of my children has made me so angry or frustrated to spank them, then I have no business laying a hand on them. My mom told me once that she never spanked me in anger, so she must have followed that rule as well, but I wonder how in the world she kept her cool with 4 kids!?! It hasn't happened yet, but I could see swatting my children on the rump if they did something really dangerous like run out into traffic, just to instill the seriousness of what they did. In that case, I wouldn't be angry (just frightened to death) and could better control the force. However, I could also see me handling it in a non-spanking manner as well. I do agree with the previous poster that words can be more destructive and spanking, but in both cases there are definitely situations that can cross the line into child abuse.
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Momma 4-21-2008 @ 1:43PM
I don't believe in ANY kind of hitting for discipline..."swat", "tap", "spank", "pop", Etc. etc. be it on a diapered bottom, clothes, bare bottom or an hand. it's all the same to me. There is no difference. It's hitting plain and simple.
As a grown adult I still don't see the connection of getting hit to "running in to traffic" or doing something dangerous - there is NO connection to one another, if there is please explain it to me. Yes, it's dangerous, but hitting me doesn't make me understand the dangerousness of it. If I can't make the connection how in the hell is a 2 year old?
I remember being spanked and it was humiliating and made me pee my pants and I don't remember what I did to deserve it (must have worked huh? Snort) It made me fear my father. He can still make "the face" and make my stomach flop.
I do know that I would, never, under ANY circumstance hit my child. There is no circumstance worthy of it.
What do you do then, one might ask? Talk talk talk and then talk some more. It works - I have a 7 year old to prove it.
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EskimoPie 4-21-2008 @ 2:54PM
You seriously don't understand? I don't believe you. How could it be more obvious?
I ran into the street... now my butt hurts... gee, I don't like that, maybe I won't run into the street next time.
kim 4-22-2008 @ 1:09PM
My sister explained the spanking to me perfectly, though I myself have yet to give an official spanking. If you are doing something that warrants a spanking, the pain you will feel on your bottom is MUCH less than the pain you would feel if...say...you were RUN OVER or burned yourself on the stove. It is to make the connection between preventing a more painful event by creating a controlled painful event, and explaining it in the process. She also established she never spanks out of anger, but uses time outs for those instances, or asks her husband to take over.
annie 4-21-2008 @ 1:52PM
I'm a fan of spankings in certain situations. When my brother was about 12, he was at his friend's house down the street. My mom went down the block to find him - and when she did, she found them in the back yard. The friend had an apple on top of his head, and my brother had a BB gun aimed at the apple. My mom spanked him the entire way back to our house. Looking back - I believe that was completely justified.
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SKL 4-21-2008 @ 1:58PM
1) I absolutely trust myself not to abuse my child. A lifetime of self-control doesn't disappear just because my tot is throwing a fit. If you don't feel the same, then I agree you should not spank.
2) A child knows the difference between being spanked by a loving parent and being violated by (or violating) someone else. If that were not the case, I guess we should also be afraid to bathe our kids or pull them away from danger, because they should not grow up thinking it's OK to sexually molest or push around others. The "logic" that spanking begets violence sounds logical when you apply third-grade logic. But that logic ignores the fact that even a tot's mind is very complex.
3) If your child is kicking you repeatedly at age 2.5, I feel that is a big problem and frankly, in another time not too long ago, most other parents would be telling you he NEEDS a spanking. Obviously your non-violent approach is not making your child non-violent, not by a long shot. With the exception of an autistic cousin, nobody in my childhood would have dared to even think about kicking their mother. Those who think things have improved since then? I don't agree.
4) If my daughter hits her sister, I will use corporal punishment on her before I will allow her to repeatedly hit her sister. Why should an innocent party have to suffer because I think my kid is too good for a taste of her own medicine?
5) Most of the people I know who were spanked are totally peaceful and nonviolent people. Also, very few of them were abused, and those who were had parents with big problems - the choice to spank or not spank during lucid moments made no difference.
6) I agree with another poster that screaming and mind games can be more damaging than spanking.
7) I think spankers should be encouraged to come back out of the closet so a good discussion of appropriate spanking can be had. Many times parents are so afraid to spank, or to admit they spank, that they get to a point of frustration with their kids that ends up being more abusive than if they had just adopted spanking as one of many positive discipline alternatives.
8) I'd rather spank my kids now and reduce the chance that they get abused in the prison system years from now.
9) I spank because I care about my kids. Period.
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Linda L. 4-21-2008 @ 2:44PM
Hey SKL: how old are your kids? I'm curious to know at what age you feel spanking works (I always had the feeling your girls were really young).
EskimoPie 4-21-2008 @ 2:57PM
SKL, EXCELLENT post!
isisaquaria 4-21-2008 @ 3:15PM
I agree...we spank if needed.
And it has happened twice in 12yrs w/one and probably won't again at this point--
The first time I did she wasn't even two
She bit me because I took away a toy that she decided to throw...she drew blood, and would not let go.. I busted her a** she stopped...never biting again.
To the point of not trusting yourself---you shouldn't have had kids....sorry, but if you feel like spanking would break you to the point of abuse, then the problem is not the child but the adult.
Kerri 4-21-2008 @ 3:19PM
Hear, hear!!
Jenn D 4-21-2008 @ 3:26PM
Good post, SKL. I agree with you on pretty much every point.
I have spanked my 3 year old, not to abuse her, not out of frustration and rage, but because every other mode of discipline didn't work. I absolutely despise it when people try to make me feel like a bad parent for the decisions I make. I do not abuse my children, and I never will.
Oh, and as for those moments when I am so filled with rage that I can't see straight - I rarely scream and yell, I don't hit or slap, I walk away. The best thing to do when you are in a situation like that, whether you believe that spanking is good or bad, is to make sure your child is safe and walk away. I find the bathroom is a nice place to sit and regain my cool :)
eugene 4-21-2008 @ 6:17PM
Meh, just because the above poster has failed at teaching her/his kids not be violent doesn't mean that their failure is a result of not spanking.
Look, just because A is false, doesn't mean that B is true.
angela 4-23-2008 @ 4:18PM
EXCELLENT post, SKL. I never could have spoke so well on this subject.
lisa meter 4-29-2008 @ 9:16PM
love what you wrote.
Chalsey 4-21-2008 @ 2:03PM
I don't spank my kids because I care about them. In my opinion spanking is abuse, plain and simple. I would and will never punish my child with pain.
I totally agree with his article.
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rain wells 4-23-2008 @ 12:39PM
When my daughter was about 2 my oldest son was 6 he would do things to hurt her. It was smaller things at first like knocking her down and hitting and I put him in time out and gave him a lecture about why this is wrong and why he souldn't do things like this. It didn't work! He got worse and was doing more dangerous things like gatting her to drink perfume, cutting off her hair and poking her with a sewing needle( to name a few).obviously time out wasn't working or he would have stopped I spanked him (and called poison controll). They are now 8 and 5 they still spat but only with words, I believe if I would have spanked him for knocking her down and hitting her it would have never escaladed to the more serious things. My oppinion is the punishment should fit the crime. A look a lecture, time out, or a spanking
Jennifer 4-21-2008 @ 2:10PM
Having worked with children for more than 18 years in many forms (nanny, teacher, babysitter, parent, etc...), I can see where people would feel the need to spank. I don't judge those who do use this as a form of punishment for doing something wrong. However, unless you are that parent, you have no right to spank; and being that the majority of my experience is in that situation here is my outlook: I have managed to raise many children (especially as a nanny) and never laid a hand on them through physical punishment (spanking, swatting, thumping, etc..) and I never had any problems getting them to behave appropriatly at home or in public.
So, my outlook is this: Raising a child can be done succesfully without spanking; but I don't judge people who do choose to use spanking as a form of punishment.
As long as there are boundaries to your spanking, that's fine. It's difficult, and takes some skills that some people just don't have, to be able to discipline completely without spanking.
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Stacy 4-21-2008 @ 2:14PM
I am a single mom of a 2yo boy. At times, he challenges be in ways I could never have imagined. He is not autistic, but sometimes he kicks me when I attempt to change him...I try to keep my cool, and have used the counting method a number of times. A handful of times, after warning him, I have swatted him on the bum (with diaper on..not that it justifies anything of course...), only to realize after that I was being completely hypocritical.
I make my best efforts not to spank him...and have found that holding him accountable for his actions with a bit of reverse psychology has helped to improve his behavior. When I ask him to come to me (for a diaper change) and he glares at me and says "NO!" instead of warning him with a spanking, I tell him that if he doesn't walk to mommy by the time I count to three then mommy will pick him up and carry him over...He usually waits until I get to "two" but then runs over when he sees me get up to go and carry him. Hopefully this technique will continue to work...and when it stops, I'll have to brainstorm something new...
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Christina 4-21-2008 @ 2:15PM
We don't spank either but I too have had those moments your described where I gripped tighter or shouted in a way I would never shout at anyone esp. not the boy I love more then anything I have ever loved in all my life. I do not spank for that reason. I feel like those moments have scared the living daylights out of me. They were horrible and scary and those time have only happened thankfully just a couple of times so no to spanking because it just seems that it would make things worse.
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