Helicopter parents vs. free range kids
Categories: Toddlers, Preschoolers, Teens & tweens, Love & sex, Health & safety, Development, In the news, Playground bureau
When I was 11, I had a summer job. Five days a week, I rode my 10-speed two miles into town and babysat three kids. The oldest was 10, furious that her babysitter was only a year older than her. The youngest was only one. I can't even imagine leaving my kids with an 11-year-old today, but in those days, it was the norm. All of my friends had babysitting jobs, and all of them also got around on their 10-speeds, just like me. By all accounts, children in the United States are safer than ever. Crime is down, accidents and illness are less common than before, and the chance that your kid will be abducted by a stranger, say experts, is about one in a million. Yet many of us, myself included, have a white knuckle grip on our children's lives.
Lenore Skenazy, a Manhattan mom and New York Sun columnist, recently wrote about letting her nine-year-old son ride the subway on his own. Critics and supporters came out in droves, calling her both neglectful and a breath of fresh air. She used the incident to create her own blog about kids and independence, called Free Range Kids. The idea behind the concept is to live responsibly (seat belts, helmets, airbags, etc.), but not to restrict your child's actions out of fear.
I'm working every day to balance my own fears with my girls' budding desire to get out and experience the world on their own terms. But I also think one of the reasons why our kids are so safe is because of the many rules that have changed since we (or our parents) were kids.
How many times have you been forwarded that email that says, "You know you were born in 1950/60/70/80 if..."? It always says things like, "We didn't have bike helmets and we still survived!" Sure, that's true. But the fact remains that bike helmets have significantly reduced the number of head injuries in children. So I think that we need to be careful when judging what is safe and what is over-protective. It's far too easy to say, "Well, I did it and I'm fine," while ignoring the fact that many other children in those decades did it and are not fine.
My girls are young and there are no subways in a three-state radius of me, so I'll likely not have to grapple with the decision that Skenazy made for quite some time. But they do tell me in a million smaller ways when I'm being overprotective. We have an ongoing battle over playing in the front yard -- I won't let them unless I'm out there too (they have a perfectly lovely, fenced backyard they can play in anytime) -- and they want to cross busy streets without me clutching their hands.
I don't know if I have it in me to be a "free range parent," but I'm also working hard to put away my hover-mama tendencies. What about you -- where do you fall on the protective parent continuum?
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Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)
Heather 4-27-2008 @ 4:18PM
I am in the same boat you are right now. I have a tendancy to be a hoverer, but with my kids getting a little older I have kinda released my grip...a little ( they are only amost 6 and 3 after all.) We also have a large fenced in back yard, but, like you, they aren't allowed in the front without someone there. I just don't feel safe about them being out there with our somewhat busy road. This year, however, we are going to try to release grip a little bit more. We have discussed letting them go across the street into the cul-de-sac and ride their bikes...with supervision from our front yard. (we can see just about the whole thing from our front door.) I'm not sure how it will work, but we are going to give it a shot. I think they will still have to wait for us to come and get them if they need to come back across the street... can't get too carried away. :)
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Bethany Sanders 4-27-2008 @ 4:21PM
Heather,
Thanks for commenting! Your kids are close to the same age as mine. I find, especially with my older daughter, that it doesn't always occur to me to let her do more. I'm so used to being the responsible party that sometimes she has to remind me that she's growing up.
Bethany
Jen Henry 4-27-2008 @ 5:21PM
The timing of this post is perfect!!!! I was just discussing this the other day on another blog. I wrote a post there about watching my 3 year old play Munchkin soccer and watching the parents hover, going so far as to play with the kids to try to help. I coined the phrase 'tugboat' parent...I was trying to find a vehicle opposite the helicopter. It seemed to fit my husband's parenting profile. He tends to sit and watch from afar, occasionally sounding a warning if needed. :) I'm a recovering helicopter...or a helicopter under repair....I'm hoping that it's just because my kids are little and that I'll loosen up as they become older. Thankfully I was raised in a very independent family so I'm hoping that works in my favor.
My post on the helicopter vs. tugboat is here: http://parents2parents.org/?p=35
Please check out our blog. We've only had it up a week and could definitely use a little a feedback. :) Thanks!
Jen
http://furoreandfrenzy.com
http://parents2parents.org
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Mel 4-27-2008 @ 5:37PM
Well, at least she did a good job picking the name for her site. "Free range" - like the chicken. It's fitting, since those kids are meat for those who mean them harm.
This woman - and anyone who agrees with her - should be sterilized.
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Uly 4-27-2008 @ 6:07PM
Thank you. We've all been refreshed and enlightened by your unique point of view.
Monica 4-27-2008 @ 6:48PM
Actually Mel just the opposite. By giving children small doses of responsibility as they grow they are able to make reasonable decisions about new situations they haven't encountered yet based on lessons learned in a relatively limited risk scenario.
My kids are mostly grown up now, but they were given more and more responsibility as they grew instead of dumping them unprepared into the world at 18. I think that is a strong contributor to their ability to function independantly now, at 18 and 19, without a lot of intervention from me.
Recently MaryP used the statement - The goal of parenting is to work yourself out of a job, and I think that's a big part of what they're working towards. It's infinitely preferable to me to see this, rather than the growing instances of parents stepping into their adult children's life the way they did when they were toddlers.
Mel 4-28-2008 @ 1:08AM
"By giving children small doses of responsibility as they grow they are able to make reasonable decisions about new situations they haven't encountered yet based on lessons learned in a relatively limited risk scenario."
Agreed. However, letting a nine-year old ride the NYC subway is not what I call a "small dose of responsibility." I get that he had a map and coins and all that, but frankly, it's just not enough. A number of parents freak the hell out over a nine-year old's Myspace conversation. The media, parents, and this site itself is hysterical about online "predators." So am I to surmise that the internet poses more imminent peril to kids than the effing NYC subway? Sorry, I just don't buy it, and here's why: Parents worry about online conversations because of the possibility of a face-to-face encounter resulting from the internet interaction. How much greater that possibility becomes in public! My point is this: You know all those people you're afraid of your kid talking to online? Cause they could arrange a face-to-face meeting with your kid? Well, that's what happens when you stick your nine-year on a subway. Suddenly, he is face-to-face with potential predators.
Natasha 4-28-2008 @ 2:09AM
I have been reading ParentDish for a while now and I always enjoy the various posts. I have posted a few moderate comments myself and I usually get something from reading other points of view. Especially since the feature on smacking, however, I have been left saddened and sickened that some mothers, rather than putting their points of view forward in a reasoned manner, have left extreme, critical, judgemental, negative comments like this one. I don't think I can read much more like this without feeling upset that these mothers have a life free of hatred and anger towards others. Unless someone moderates comments like these I for one, will not be coming to ParentDish anymore.
Natasha 4-28-2008 @ 2:11AM
Sorry I should have specified I was replying to Mel and also I feel upset that mothers DON'T have a life free from anger and hatred, but wish that they did!
Uly 4-27-2008 @ 5:50PM
That's true, and it irritates me so much when people go "we all survived" because, clearly, we *didn't* all survive.
However, quite honestly, the number of actual stranger abductions in this country yearly are something like 200. The number of bike accidents? Much higher. Car accidents, fatal ones? Much higher. Children molested by family members? Much higher.
And this has largely always been the case. There were *never* a lot of stranger abductions going on.
People need to get their priorities in order and start worrying about the things that are likely to happen, instead of the ones that are so rare as to be statistically insignificant. Then take reasonable precautions against the likely problems - and let the kids go outside. There is harm in not letting children live their lives, long-term harm.
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Jen Henry 4-27-2008 @ 6:42PM
I TOTALLY agree Uly!!!! People need to stop and realize...the reason these stories (abductions etc) are reported via the media is because they are NEWS....they don't happen very often....
If they happened all the time the news media wouldn't waste their time with dateline specials...same with the internet predator specials...but I'll save that rant for another day ;)
Kids fall down stairs, step on nails, wreck their bikes, are hit by cars, drown in bathtubs, trip and fall, choke on food, etc, etc, etc....
There's not just a risk with being a kid...there's a risk with being a human...accidents happen to everyone...you do what you can to keep your kids safe but if you blocked everything that was dangerous you'd have to tie them up somewhere...and then they'd get ropeburn!
Jen
http://furoreandfrenzy.com
http://parents2parents.org
ikate 4-27-2008 @ 9:39PM
I'm sorry - to all the hovering parents, just read this article:
http://www.slate.com/id/2189896/
This is what you are setting yourself up for: an adult life
subsidized by parents because little Johnny can't make a decision let alone fill out his own application forms.
It's a short road from not allowing a responsible child to play in their front yard to becoming this author..."During Nate's final year of high school, I impersonated him online, filling out and submitting 11 versions of the Common Application for undergraduate admission. It became my full-time job but Nate was apathetic about college
applications"
That said, I do think this is just another place for parents (mothers especially) to judge each other. It all comes down to the priorities of the parents. One of the commenters on the FreeRangeKids site said it perfectly:
"My #1 job is to prepare my children to be happy, healthy,
contributing members of our society. This means that I will always choose “training for life, with some risk” as ok, whereas my friend will choose “keep them safe, even if they miss a life lesson.”
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Jess 4-27-2008 @ 11:01PM
I agree with the importance of providing appropriate opportunities for cultivating independence in our children. That said, I think it's crucial to realize that what is appropriate varies depending on many factors, including the age of the child, the life experiences of the parents, the child's maturity level, etc.
It's easy to judge each others' parenting choices, but it's a lot more constructive to recognize that many of these are individual choices based on a myriad of factors. What is right for one parent/child/family at a given time may not be right for someone else--and that's OK.
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Marsha 4-28-2008 @ 12:02AM
Children nowadays are too pampered. They need to learn independence like how our parents taught us. I am an Asian whose mother believes that all her daughters need to be able to stand on our own two feet and face the world.
She taught us to be able to take the public transportation to and from school without fear and what to do if face with unsavory characters. Things like this gave us sense of freedom and independence but also the responsibility and accountability that carries through our adult life.
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Anita 4-28-2008 @ 9:51AM
I agree with all the commenters who mention how low the risk of child abductions by strangers really is. The media makes it sound so huge and many of my friends live in real fear of it happening. I've always held the view point that our kids are no more likely to be kidnapped from our safe neighborhood than I was 30 years ago.
My kids are 8 and 5 and have been allowed outside by themselves since they were 4 and above. We don't have a fence since the neighborhood association does not allow them. This year I've started letting my daughter ride her bike to her friends' houses without me. She even took her younger brother along yesterday. Our rule is that she is not to leave her friend's house to go anywhere else without calling and telling me. I believe that letting her have this freedom teaches her some responsibility in a safe manner.
Yes, I am less a helicopter parent than many of my friends but we still get along and have agreed to disagree.
Natasha, Mel is probably the most abrasive commenter on Parent Dish. If you avoid reading her comments like I do, you will be less likely to be upset with the rest of us on Parent Dish.
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heather 4-28-2008 @ 4:56PM
Each situation is different, each child is different. each neighborhood in the city is different.
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ninainindia 4-28-2008 @ 10:31PM
Fianlly someone with some sense. I am so sick of the paranoid parenting going on nowadays. Risks are not bigger than 20 years ago and the chance of abduction is nihil.
Just teach your child the basics and they will be fine cycling, walking wherever in a reasonable distance.
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Benjamin 4-29-2008 @ 12:40PM
This generation of children has been greatly ill-served by parents who seek to control every situation and prevent every possible danger both real and imagined. All that is accomplished by that approach is a young adult who can not function properly in our society. Kudos to Ms. Skenazy for recognizing that her son had the maturity to make his way home on the New York subway at 9 years old.
During my own childhood, I was an 11 year old making my way on the Chicago transit system 23 miles from the suburbs to the inner city to go to the movies 40 years ago. I learned to observe other people, stay out of questionable situations and how to have fun at the movies. All without my parents having to shadow my every movement. Should someone have arrested my parents? I think not. They roamed even further away from home at a younger age.
This country, in general, needs to stop being afraid of its own shadow. We owe it to ourselves and we absolutely owe it to our kids.
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donkey 5-23-2008 @ 11:09PM
Why buy your child a bicycle if they aren't allowed out of the yard? It seems cruel to me. I grew up in the 80s and I wasn't allowed out of the yard until I was 14, and only then if my parents drove me to and from where I was going (even if it was only 3 blocks down the street to the pizza stand, or 6 blocks to my friend's house). I had a bike, but never had an opportunity to use it. I'm a responsible adult now in that I don't leech off my parents for income, but I have a lot of anxiety to work through now, and in part I feel it was due to mom and dad always looking over my shoulder, waiting for me to mess up so they could swoop down and "fix it." If you're always watching a child, waiting for them to fail, get hurt, or basically mess up, what kind of a message does that send? That you never expect them to succeed, or don't trust them to do something correctly on their own?
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