Guilt leads to the Dark Side
Categories: Newborns, Babies, Pregnancy & birth, Eating & nutrition
Dylan, my three-month-old, has been a formula-fed baby from birth, and not that anyone needs an explanation about that but I'll just quickly say it was a couldn't-vs-wouldn't issue. My older boy Riley also had bottle instead of breast, and since I knew after his birth that my situation would require any future children to suckle at the sweet teat of Isomil instead of my own I've had some time to get used to this fact.You'd think that would mean I've been able to lay aside any guilt and regret for something I have no control over, and yet I haven't, not completely. I read Angie's post here at ParentDish about the pro-breastfeeding billboard that reads "Babies are made to be breastfed" with great interest because I have seen these signs in Seattle (often near a Starbucks, of course --- mmmm, breastmilk cappucino!) and my own gut reaction was one of defensiveness. I've thought, where the hell is the second line that says 'Although we acknowledge that not all mothers are meant to breastfeed'?
As some of the commenters have pointed out, though, the billboard is probably meant more as public service announcement for those who still react to the sight of a breastfeeding woman as though she has sleazily whipped open a trenchcoat to flash her goods at innocent passers-by.
One thing I've learned the hard way -- especially since becoming a parent -- is that no one can make you feel guilty. Not your friends, your family, the media, or angry internet commenters. It's a feeling you have to own, because it's your own creation. Whenever I see an ad for formula or even the container of formula itself that reads "Breast milk is recommended" I want to whop the makers of Whatchamacallit Advanced with Iron over the head and yell I KNOW THAT BUT THANKS FOR REMINDING ME THAT I'M POISONING MY CHILD WITH YOUR INSANELY EXPENSIVE POWDER. Is it the formula company's fault for making me feel that way? Or the US Department of Health's for putting up a pro-breastfeeding billboard? Nope, that's all on me.
Didn't someone once say something like, guilt leads to fear, fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, and hate leads to suffering? Or, wait . . . I just mis-quoted Yoda. Well, still.
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Reader Comments (Page 1 of 2)
jackie 4-28-2008 @ 2:31PM
Can't think of anything original to post today so you have to piggyback one of your fellow blogger's. Pretty low I think.
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Valria 4-28-2008 @ 3:55PM
Actually Jackie Linda's blog is more about guilt and that we create it ourselves. Angie's is about the billboard itself.
I think linking to each others blog is a great way to point out the others writing.
However your comment, that is pretty low.
marilyn 4-28-2008 @ 4:03PM
Wow. It would obviously be a little difficult to talk about this with the judgmental tendencies around here, so I'm a little surprised that your first reaction is to attack. I guess I shouldn't be.
It's called "discussion," where we each add something to the conversation that's going on around us in the world.
Gabby 4-28-2008 @ 4:34PM
Yeah, really, who comes on here to read about other people's opinions? How dare she!
(That's sarcasm, by the way.)
jackie 4-28-2008 @ 10:43PM
In my opinion both Angie's and Linda's articles are about guilt. Angie's is about guilt brought on by others and Linda's is about her own guilt. I think if Linda wanted to add to the discussion she should have just commented on Angie's article, instead of creating new one about her own personal issues.
Jill 4-28-2008 @ 2:37PM
I still feel guilty four and seven years later myself. My second born would not have lived had he been breastfed. And yet, when the lactation specialists insisted that I start giving him formula, I still didn't want to do it. When he fills his mouth to stuffing and then can hardly swallow his food or when he asks for more before starting to eat and then cries if there are no leftovers in the kitchen - those are the times I feel guilty that maybe I made him this way by trying so hard to breastfeed that I starved him. I can't get over it and I can't win.
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Groovymarlin 4-28-2008 @ 3:54PM
Aw, Jill. I'm sure your breastfeeding issues did not cause your child's current issues with food. In fact, I suspect it's a stage that he'll outgrow - all kids go through weird little stages where they want things just so. My daughter drives me crazy at 2 with asking for one thing, then refusing it when we give it to her. It's a control issue, nothing more. Don't beat yourself up over it. :)
Dawn 4-28-2008 @ 2:54PM
So true. I breastfed both my children but had to supplement with formula with the first and the guilt I felt with each bottle was crushing. Until I realized I was the only one making me feel bad about it. That and the C-section guilt almost did me in the first time around. Stupid. I'm glad I worked through all that before I had my second. Now any negative comments I hear about either of those things rolls right off my back.
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Tiffany 4-28-2008 @ 3:06PM
I'm in the same boat as you. I have two as well with my youngest being 5 months and both were/are formula babies. Not for lack of trying mind you, at least with #1. But I will ALWAYS have that twinge of guilt for not being able to make it work, or in the case with #2, even trying. I had already given up by the time they pulled him out of me through my repeat vertical incision c-section and fourth dose of "please don't freak out again" drugs that made me loopy for about two weeks. Those are probaby bad excuses but I do hold not breastfeeding as one regret that I do have. But I did try with #1 and still have regrets....this subject is just so taxing on my ego...
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Joanne 4-28-2008 @ 3:49PM
I never thought about things like "breast is best" or whatever until I had kids. I've breastfed both and I gave the first one formula at like nine months and man - it is trippy no matter what you do! I am not a mother that loves the breastfeeding experience, although I recognize that in the middle of the night it seems a lot easier to breastfeed than get out a bottle. But we had a really hard time breastfeeding, both me and my kids, it was so much harder than I thought it would be. Sometimes I still hate it while I'm doing it and I think 'I am driving to Costco and buying formula RIGHT NOW'. I haven't done it, yet, but I do feel really guilty and bad about even thinking it. So I guess what I am ham-handedly trying to say is that no matter what you do when it comes to mothering, you feel guilty and bad, about some things.
I agree with you, Linda, in that you can only make yourself feel guilty. So I think we should all just give ourselves a freaking *break* here and try and raise up these kids with all the love and enthusiasm we can muster.
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Sabrina 4-28-2008 @ 3:57PM
I never felt guilt about not BFing my first child, I was in a supportive environment where it didn't matter which way I fed my child, so long as I fed her. With my second I tried until we found out he has a rare disease that makes him highly allergic to ALL mammal milk, including breastmilk, goat milk, cow milk, and lots of different kinds of formula. Then I felt guilty FOR BFing him! When people would see me feeding him his special stuff through a bottle and comment to me (especially a certain lactation consultant that shall remain nameless) about "breast is best" I just wanted to scream at them that it could kill him. People should mind their own business as long as you're not purposely starving your child, why does it matter if you use breastmilk, formula, or a combo of the two?
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ELC 4-28-2008 @ 4:03PM
I always heard that guilt is like a bag of bricks that you voluntarily carry around until you decide to set it down.
Motherhood seems like the all-time biggest minefield of "guilt-bags".
I just got over the fact that I stopped breastfeeding long before I planned to. Once I started working again full-time, I just started drying up. I lugged my pump with me everywhere, and spent a month pumping every 3 hours and only getting about 4 oz. a day (while my son was drinking about 36 oz. a day!). It was insane, so I finally set down the pump & the guilt. He's fine, I'm doing a good job, and screw anyone that disapproves (I chant to myself).
Now I'm free to worry about the bottles themselves instead of what's in them. I can feel guilty for all the hideous chemicals I've released into his delicate system by having chosen the wrong bottles. I'd be relieved that I only have 3 more days to feel horrible guilt everytime I feed him (while I wait for $100 worth of PBA-free ones to arrive) except that once they do there will be SOMETHING ELSE.
Endless supply there is.
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Bethany Sanders 4-28-2008 @ 4:11PM
A very wise person once told me that guilt is a necessary emotion for when you do something wrong. It helps you make amends and lets you go on with your life.
But she also explained that there's another, unhealthy kind of guilt, the kind where you feel bad, even though you've done nothing wrong. I think moms are famous for that kind of guilt.
Couldn't or wouldn't, formula-feeding your baby isn't anything to feel guilty about.
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Leslie 4-28-2008 @ 5:01PM
I agree about the guilt thing, and I keep going back and forth on the reasoning. On the one hand, are we being too sensitive - is the warning just to *others* - careless or stupid moms who might not have given much thought to the decision before being blindly enticed by the free formula in the hospital? But on the other hand, doesn't that then belittle all of us as women, that we shouldn't be able to inform ourselves, that we need a warning label on a can to tell us that breastmilk *might* be a better choice?
The only thing I can think of to liken it to is feeding my toddler. Sure, it would be nice if she only had the most healthful foods - fresh, organic fruits and vegetables, hormone-free milk and meat and whatnot. Sure, it would be wonderful if I could grow all of her food and be certain that it was all pure, and provide her with 3 homecooked meals and a few handcrafted snacks each and every day. But let's get real. I don't eat like that. There are very few actual vegetables she will actually even touch. I have a job (one that doesn't involve farming), and we live in the suburbs. Yes, there are some mothers who can provide those sorts of foods for their children, and that is their choice. I choose to provide a decent array of foods that I purchase from my local supermarket, assembled in a somewhat healthy manner several times a week. And we eat out, or eat pre-made, at other times. I do the best I can.
This is similar to how I fed my kids as babies - I nursed one to 4 months until it was making me sick and crazy, and then I formula fed, and she never seemed to mind in the least. The second I nursed exclusively to 6 months until I couldn't pump any longer, then nursed him 2x/day until he was 1. I did my best, just like I do my best to read them books and teach them and provide for them while staying sane and healthy myself.
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Michelle 4-28-2008 @ 5:08PM
I feel ya Linda.. I was unable to breastfeed my 1st born( milk never came in) I tried and tried... Double pumping to only get 1/2 oz. Using a catheter taped to my nipple, hooked up to a syringe to stimulate the breast while shooting in formula, in hopes that the milk would come. 3 weeks i did this every feeding. I have never felt more like a failure in my life. I wanted so badly to be the good mother and give my baby the best. Out of pure exhaustion/ frustration I finally quit. i did feel guilty, but we were all so much happier. So when I was pg with #2 I called the La Leche League to see if there was anything that I could do to prevent this from happening again... Pills, shots, massage... they had nothing. So when he was born I had already decided that I would give he and myself a couple of days to try in the hospital before giving up. After seeing all of the lactation specialists who had me try herbal pills from Australia and double pumping.. nothing. So I gave it all up, and walked away from it for good. For some reason I was just not meant to breastfeed, and now I am finally okay with that. People still gave me a hard time and made me feel guilty, but it was the best decision for all of us. And my kids are very normal, healthy children after all.
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g~ 4-28-2008 @ 5:30PM
I have two SILs due four days apart, one who is going to BF (this is her second) and one who isn't (this is her first--she doesn't even want to try). I admire both of their choices because they are making sane, rational choices that reflect their personalities, lifestyles and desires. Both of their children will probably (you never know about my family genetics...hehe) be gorgeous, smart, happy and wonderful children. Never, ever, ever have I asked or even cared which children in my son's preschool were breastfed and which were bottle fed. Never have I asked an adult--most don't even know. It doesn't make a difference. As a Mom to two who breastfed (and feel very 'meh' about the whole thing), I can appreciate any attempts to make breastfeeding not seem "icky" or "publicly inappropriate" (while nursing discretely, of course).
Now as to the guilt thing...*sigh*
I wish I could be as blase about the myriad of other parenting things as I am about the breast/bottle thing.
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blackbird 4-28-2008 @ 5:43PM
Am I missing something? Where did Angie say that SHE felt guilty?
I don't think she did...I think she was saying that the sponsors of the billboard were trying to guilt women into breastfeeding and that she felt that was a turn off...which I would agree with.
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Linda L. 4-28-2008 @ 5:47PM
Blackbird: I'm only talking about myself in this post, Angie's post just made me think of that billboard. Not implying Angie feels guilty in the least.
Kelly 4-28-2008 @ 10:00PM
I don't think Linda was saying that Angie felt guilty at all, blackbird. Angie nursed her babies.
the goddess anna 4-28-2008 @ 6:20PM
I do feel guilt that I did not, could not breastfeed. I had nipple piercings when I was younger, and didn't take the hint the first time they were ripped out (I got them repierced). I have so much scar tissue on my nipples now that the milk doesn't really come out right - I tried pumping nearly nonstop for 6 weeks with my daughter. I didn't even bother with the twins.
While I feel bad that my kids did not get my milk, they sure as hell got my love, attention, and fed-on-demand (even when in the throes of PPD, I held my boys to feed them). What I hate are the people who didn't know, the strangers on the street who lambasted me for not whipping out my breast to feed my children. I have no business telling anyone how to clothe, discipline, attend to, or especially feed their child, and neither does anybody else. I have enough guilt being a mother, I don't need anybody else heaping it on.
If I seem angry about this, well, I am. Breastfeeding may be best, and it's the best decision for a lot of families, but it isn't for everyone. Women need to decide what is best for their babies, and yes, even what is best for them. An unhappy mother makes for an unhappy baby.
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