Reason 39571 parenthood has damaged my brain

by Linda Lee (Subscribe to Linda Lee's posts) Apr 29th 2008 10:00AM

I don't know if I'd call myself an optimist, but I often sail along with a blind sense of it-can't-happen-to-me-ism. Or in the case of my family, it can't happen to us. This allows me to make it through the day without succumbing to a full-body panic over the myriad unpleasant fates that could befall one of my kids at any moment, such as accidents, illnesses, pianos falling from the sky, dingo attacks, and so on.

Unfortunately, this sort of thinking is what leads me to constantly get peed on. I mean, I know my 3-month-old is basically a human sprinkler, I know the sensation of having a diaper removed and a cool wipe applied can trigger any number of Bellagio-esque outbursts, and yet every single time I forgo the protective diaper or washcloth shield. Why do I do this? Because every single time I think, oh, I don't think he'll pee on me today. And that is usually when a powerful jet of liquid sprays me directly in the eyesocket.

I don't understand this about myself. I feel like I have gained all sorts of experience since we brought our first son home, and yet in this arena I remain painfully naive, ignoring all historical evidence in favor of allowing my shirt to get hosed down yet again -- then having the nerve to be surprised about it. "Crap!" I say, spluttering and flailing and mopping up my clothes, all startled and unprepared, as if the whole thing was totally UNAVOIDABLE.

Is it always true that ignorance is bliss? Because when the ignorant person is being urinated on at least once a day and twice on Sundays, I'm not sure how that can be.

Comments (12)

Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)

Stacy 4-29-2008 @ 11:29AM

I adapted what I call The Mom Shield. Whenever I changed my son when he was brand new, I rarely covered him up..I guess I was lucky because he only managed to pee on me a handfull of times, but everytime he did, I would just block him with my hand. It might sound gross to some, but having my hand peed on sure beats getting squirted in the eye!!

Jen 4-29-2008 @ 12:06PM

It may be just because I'm only two weeks in with my first, but I got lulled into a false sense of security for a bit. Then last night...Blammo! I got peed on twice overnight. Luckily he can't get much distance yet, so he just manages to pee on himself. Maybe I'll learn my lesson before he can make it to my eye socket!

Lydia 4-29-2008 @ 4:17PM

when my almost 2 year old son was a newborn, i figured out that if you put a new, clean diaper under his little bum first, then take off the dirty one and wipe up what needs to be cleaned, you can effectively sheild his little hose with the clean diaper while you get the butt cream, throw away the dirty diaper, etc. there's always the off chance that he'll sneak a pee on you anyway, but this method has greatly reduced that risk, at least for me.

Jenin 4-29-2008 @ 2:25PM

I do this exact same thing. Only Cole RARELY pees on me- but the one time out of 50 that he does I am totally shocked... all my own fault though... DAMMIT.

Joanne 4-29-2008 @ 3:33PM

I am the same way but with spit up. I KNOW that my girl is going to spit up on me, but do I ever have a towel or diaper nearby? NEVER.

Amber 4-29-2008 @ 3:31PM

My mom taught me the diaper block early on when my brother was born - I liked to help by changing his diapers. However, apparently my grandma (mother of two sons) must've forgotten about the blocking because one of the best times ever was when my brother peed in her perfectly coiffed hair. Ha. It was awesome.

Sabrina 4-29-2008 @ 5:16PM

I found out after the third or fouth pee-in-a-public-restroom incident that if I lifted his legs up high enough he'd only be able to pee on himself, and after he did that once, he never did it again. Aparently it's less funny to pee in your OWN face than it is to pee in Mommy's face.

heather 4-29-2008 @ 8:03PM

Having my children has been the dumbing of me in many ways. My first was a girl and my second and soon to be a third are boys. To this day, I cannot remember to not hang my mouth agape when changing a diaper. I am a mouth-breathing-mamouth these days and I can't even count how many times my little guy has peed in my face. Why can't I close my pie hole?!

Vycki 4-29-2008 @ 10:56PM

I seldom get peed on, usually only during naked time and I usually expect it then.

kim 4-30-2008 @ 10:13AM

I am about to have a girl and wonder...do girls pee when their parts hit the air too? If so I guess it isn't likely they will hit you in the eye socket though huh?

Shawna 4-30-2008 @ 11:56AM

Kim, YES girls pee when their "parts hit the air"! My daughter peed twice within the first couple of minutes of her life - once when she was lifted out of me (emergency c-section), and again when she was put on the chilly scale.

I too always put a clean diaper under her bum under the old one first, opened the old one and wiped her down, then whisked the mess away and plunked her down on the new one. It saved me countless leaks downwards.

She can't pee upwards much, though there was one memorable time she was hoisted up for a cleaning and managed to shoot that liquidy baby poop like her butt was a water pistol. The result? I perfect double stripe of poop over the floor and up the wall beside the change table. Bleargh!

http://talpidae.diaryland.com

Shawna 4-30-2008 @ 11:58AM

Gak! "A perfect" not "I perfect".

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