Once you're a parent, can it ever be OK to leave?
Categories: Just for moms, Playground bureau, That's entertainment
I'd heard of the blog Petite Anglaise before, likely from scanning through the blog rolls of parenting blogs I do read everyday. But I hadn't really devoted any time to getting to know it, until a friend told me: Petite diarizes her life as a single Mom in Paris. And she left the father of her child for another man. And now she has a book deal. Those three sentences were intriguing enough for me to go to her site late one night, where I promptly devoured all of her archives and then, still hungry, searched for more of her writing. It turns out she has a book, based on her true story, popularized in her blog.
It's a bit of a new phenomenon, the blogger turned author, and I find it intriguing. In this case, it's also especially voyeuristic: Petite (who never revealed her true name in her blog, but does in her book) talks specifically about the fact that she left her child's father for another man, a man she met through the comments section of her blog. It's true: real life is stranger than fiction.
I read the book and enjoyed it very much: Petite Anglaise (aka Catherine Sanderson) is a talented writer with a gift for capturing tangible detail in her text. But what is lingering with me, bothering me, are the reviews of her book on Amazon.com and around the web.
Ms. Sanderson is, in my opinion, not being fairly judged on her merits as a writer -- her book is not being judged as a book. Instead, she is being judged as a person, and raked through the coals by readers who do not approve of her choice to leave her baby's father, who call her selfish and horrible.
The author was clear in her description of why she left her toddler's father: they had not been intimate in more than a year, they were placid strangers inhabiting the same space. She craved more.
The whole notion is interesting. Is it OK for a Dad to leave the Mother of his child if he does not love her any more? Is it OK for a Mother to leave her baby's Father if he does not desire her physically anymore? If she does not desire him?
To read the reviews of Petite Anglaise, it would seem that the world has decided that splitting a family for the hope of something emotionally greater is an emotionally stunted decision. What do you think -- is it ever all right to leave your child's parent? I know it can never be an easy decision, but I do think there are just some situations where a divided family is better than a whole.
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Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)
Kerry 4-30-2008 @ 10:59AM
Yes, I think a divided family can be the best thing. No, it's not optimal but it can be better than the alternative. Based on adult friends whose parents tried to stay together "for the sake of the child", it just doesn't work. All of those people were relieved when their parents finally split. Everyone seemed happier after the misery was over. It is a big adjustment and it does suck, but sometimes it's the best thing for everyone involved.
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Kellie 4-30-2008 @ 12:00PM
"they had not been intimate in more than a year, they were placid strangers inhabiting the same space. She craved more."
I am sure I am going to get slammed for this thinking and I know it's not popular, but that quote above is not a good enough reason for me to break-up a family. I believe one should do whatever it takes to get "it" back. It is possible. If you don't get it back after working as hard as you can to restore the relationship, you be an adult and make that home a happy home until your children are grown. You suck it up. Then, once your children are grown it's up to the person to decide what they are going to do. Give those kids the best possible chance they have. Obviously, this only works if both parents are willing to sacrifice themselves. We can choose to be happy. We can choose to take our situations and make the best of them.
My thoughts also exclude things like drug or alcohol addiction, physical abuse, emotional abuse. Things like that. Then I believe those kids are better off away from the situation. But if it's just because you "fell out of love?" Well, I just think love is a choice and not just a feeling.
I just feel like kids get the short end of the stick in divorce most of the time. It is rare for parents to really have a great divorce and the kids not lack for anything. Please don't get me wrong, it can and it does happen and if you are doing it? Then good on you. Really.
I also want to add, because I am sure someone is going to say it in response to what I wrote, that I don't think just because you get divorced that your kid is going to have problems or it's the end of the world. I just think it's ideal for families to stay united. I know that it can be done and I personally feel that it should be done more often than not.
This is getting way long, but a few years ago, if I didn't think this way, I know I would have left my husband. The spark was gone. I was lonely. We were like roommates. I was miserable inside. I decided I would get it back because my son deserved two parents who loved each other. He didn't ask to be born and I wasn't going to make my issues, his issues. So, I sucked up my unhappiness, started counseling, then counseling with my hubby, and now things are better then when we were married.
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ivory 4-30-2008 @ 1:48PM
Ditto a lot of this. I haven't read the blogger's writing, but "falling out of love" is pretty run of the mill in marriages. There are crazy passionate times, and lonely, bitter times. Accepting this (and committing to sticking it out) before you get married makes it much easier to look at each other and say "Well, these are the doldrums, let's see what we can do to get back to a high point, aye?" maybe the blogger didn't know this during her first marriage, or maybe her husband wasn't willing or able to reciprocate her efforts, but any marriage that isn't strong enough to withstand boredom and lack of lust isn't going to withstand the really rough patches (illness, depression, temptation, sacrifice).
Karen 4-30-2008 @ 7:27PM
I agree.
People act as if they are a victim of their emotions. While you might not be able to control how you feel (although I think you can), you can control how you act. '
Love is an action, not a feeling. It is absurd to think you will FEEL in love all the time. Once you have children, you suck it up and do what is best for them.
And you don't say it is best for them because you are a better mom if....[insert rationalization here]. You are a better mom when you act appropriately toward your children in spite of how you feel.
Of course, abuse, addicition, etc. are a different story, but just because you crave something more?
We are all just about as happy as we want to be. It depends on where you decide to focus. To me, the best moms are the ones that focus on what is best for their children first, and direct their own actions and feelings based on rational decisions over feelings.
Eva 4-30-2008 @ 1:45PM
I think it depends. You can never really know what is going on with another person or a couple and you can't predict how various scenarios will affect people. I like the idea of parents staying together in a loving family with their children, but it's simply not always the reality. My parents divorced when I was five and thank goodness; I had no memories of them doing anything but fight.
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Jess 4-30-2008 @ 3:54PM
My mother left my father when I was seventeen (oldest of four). And it was the KINDEST thing she ever did for him. He's happily remarried (as is she...well as happily as she can be I think) and my brothers and I were then exposed to a functional marriage. I only wish she would have done it years before. I think that often people get married too soon or for the wrong reasons. It's important to value your vows and make sure your partner feels the same way towards the commitment. But sometimes it's just best for all parties if it ends. My marriage is sacred to me as I know it is to my husband. We have an incredible life together. But everyone's story is different. You never really know what's going on in people's lives.
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mckenna 4-30-2008 @ 7:21PM
For what it's worth, there's a study that was reported in the last year or so (I believe I saw it on the Today Show...) that found if the parents are like "two ships passing in the night" then it may be best for the psychological well-being of the kids to stay together and try to make it work. In other words, divorce would likely be worse for the kids than semi-unhappy parents. That all depends on the ability of the parents to make it work, of course. If the relationship is volital, though, it's best to split.
Anyway, I agree that it's not always cut and dry. The parents have to do some real soul-searching in making this decision. The one thing I like about the study is that it advocates taking the kids' well-being into making the decision rather than taking the easy "Whatever's best for me is best for them" approach. I just don't think that's always true.
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Kellie 4-30-2008 @ 7:45PM
""Whatever's best for me is best for them" approach. I just don't think that's always true."
I agree 100% with that.
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Cassandra 4-30-2008 @ 9:47PM
I second those who have said it's rarely cut and dry. I've know many couples who had issues, but worked hard on their marriages and it ended up working out. My own parents were highly incompatible and got a divorce, finally, when I was in college--and I've always wished they had done so much, much sooner, as have my siblings. In their case, "staying together for the kids" wasn't good for anyone, least of all the kids. Too often, that seems like a rationalization people use when they don't really want to confront the state of their lives, in my opinion.
I'm also bothered by the idea voiced by some that, after women become mothers, they give up the right to pursue satisfying lives. When I am happy and fufilled, I am at my best as a mother. I am lucky enough to have married my best friend and to have a career that I love, but everyone's road is different. Based on what I've read, I say good for this woman for realizing she only has one life to live and going for happiness.
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eugene 5-01-2008 @ 8:25AM
When my wife and I were getting ready to get married, we took various pre-marriage counselling classes and what not. Most of it was useless dime story psychology crap but one thing that did stick with me was that love isn't an emotion as much as it is a daily commitment. You wake up in the morning and make a decision to love your spouse and you work at it, day in, day out through good times and bad. At least, that's how the vow went when my wife and I took when we got married...
Maybe there's a new vow: to honor and cherish, to love and to hold... as long as it's convenient.
Having said that, I have to say. If you've let your marriage get to the point where it's dead, just walk away. Don't "stay for the child" and completely muck up his or her idea of marriage and love.
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Meagan 5-01-2008 @ 11:42AM
Agree on both points Eugene.
JRose 5-01-2008 @ 2:11PM
I think that it is always better to do what you feel in your heart. My parents tried to stick it out when i was a youngster. I had to listen to my mom crying in the bathroom all the time because she was so unhappy. And my Dad complain that things were not making him happy either to his friends. That made me very sad and a lot of times wonder if it was me and my brothers fault they were so unhappy. When the truth as i found out as I got older was they didn't want to be with each other because they didn't make each other happy.
My mother left my father when i was 13 years old. Thats when things started to change for me. I moved a lot back and forth between them but my brother always stayed with my mom. It was our choice who we wanted to be with and when. I think that was awsome. I missed my the other parent whenever I wasn't with them. And of course I missed my brother when I was with my Dad. But it was so much less stressful than when they were together.
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Mel 5-01-2008 @ 5:49PM
Karen, you make so much sense.
An additional point: It drives me crazy to hear "happiness" as the rationale for splitting up a family. Feelings follow actions. No, it's totally *not* cool to cry and whine everyday because "the spark is gone" or some such nonsense. ACT happy. Be kind to one another. Happiness will certainly follow. Parents are so effing self-serving! It's *not* all about mememe anymore; it's about cultivating a stable two-parent home.
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Blair 5-01-2008 @ 11:05PM
You can ACT happy as long as you want but when you're truly NOT happy, you die inside. I left my husband when my son was three months old and my daughter was three years old. It was the best decision I ever made.
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Corey 5-02-2008 @ 2:06PM
I left my husband for another man. I would have left him anyways, but meeting the true love of my life sped things up. It's not cut and dry and many people have vilified me for my choice. They never saw the other side of my husband...the side that lied, was controlling, and made me want to die. My husband did beg me to stay for my daughter and promised he would change, but I knew that I had to leave for myself. It may seem selfish, but in order to be the best mother to my daughter, I had to be happy. I also wanted to be able to show her one day what a truly functional and equal partnership could look like. I don't know how I'll explain things to her when she's older. I don't know how I'll be able to make her understand, especially when her father will tells her that I'm "selfish, a liar, and a cheater".
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