When are you having baby #2?
Categories: Just for moms, Celeb parenting
Jenifer Garner's recent response to this question made me smile because it's pretty much exactly what I manage to mutter whenever someone asks.
"Sometime. I don't know. I have to think about that one."
Garner's lovely daughter Violet is 2, and two seems to be the magical age that makes everyone in the universe--both random strangers and dear friends--feel the need to inquire about future procreating plans.
When my son turned 2 the whole "when are you having a second?" became something I was asked on a nearly weekly basis. He is now 3 and the concern from random strangers, or the raised eyebrows from friends who've gone and had a second kid, seems to grow more urgent with every passing month.
"But don't you want your kids to be close in age so they can be friends?"
"You won't want to start all over again with diapers once you're out of them! It's better to do it all at once!"
Etc. And basically, it feels like behind every questions is an accusation: You're a wimp. Suck it up and have a second kid right now because that's what everybody does.
Garner is a delightfully refreshing down-to-earth celeb mama. She seems to truly enjoy motherhood, and she seems like she actually is a hands-on mother, which is more than many Hollywood mamas can boast. Which makes her hesitant answer all the more authentic.
Parenting is damn hard, sometimes. Especially when the kid is under 3. Sleep deprivation made me feel insane for brief episodes of time. And it's only just now, that I'm starting to feel like my life is no longer defined by motherhood, and my son is still crawling into my bed in the middle of the night when he wakes up. Which isn't to say I don't love motherhood, because I do. I've loved every single stage my son has gone through. And I think that we will have a second one. Sometime. Maybe.
It meantime, it seems like Garner and I both need to master the fine art of the sarcastic come back. Got any?
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Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)
Eva 5-03-2008 @ 11:59AM
People actually started bugging me about this BEFORE MY KID WAS ONE. I still get it almost every day, no kidding, and she's not even two (most people I know try to get pregnant once the first one turns one so they can't figure out what my deal is at all).
When people ask me, I enjoy telling them a long-winded story about my infertility, difficult pregnancy, unpleasant childbirth and breastfeeding experience, and then they're kind of sorry they asked. And besides not being interested in breastfeeding again any time soon, I prefer the idea of children spread farther out because that means I will have more opportunity to focus on each one and also to have my own life.
In Sweden, where my husband is from, children, if they have more than one to begin with, are typically at least five years apart. And throughout human history, even back to the Neanderthals, four years apart was about the smallest gap people would do (because of breastfeeding of course) so it seems natural to me to stick with that kind of patterning. This two-under-three thing everybody seems to like to do just seems so difficult. Human babies are just so labor intensive.
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spotlight 5-03-2008 @ 1:23PM
I had my son when i was 19. My side of the family did not expect me to have another child anytime soon. However, I went to thanksgiving with my son's father family, and they wanted to know when i would be having another (my son was 2). They were pushing for me to have another one soon so that they would not be to far apart (I WAS 21). We were not together so i did not understand with whom they thought i would be having this second child at the time.
Now at 24, I really do want another child. I actually want 4 children in total and will probably get pregnant in a year or two (whatever me and my finance' decide). I am honestly taking it one child at a time, if two become too much to handle than thats it for me. The thing is I really never want to have children more than 3 years apart. I know someone with 3 girls (4, 2, 2 months) and it just seems to be too much for me. I dont buy into the whole having them close in age so they will have a friend theory, b/c i have witnessed how being close in age can actually lead to competition. There are no promises no matter what that your kids will be the best of friends. I also get the dont you want to get them out of the house around the same time speech. Maybe if i hadn't started so young it would be different but i honestly like the gap.
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Ethel 5-03-2008 @ 1:46PM
I have two children, and folks ask me when we will try again. Perhaps because they are both boys, or because presently they are the only grandchildren. You can't win for loosing, either you don't have enough, too much of one flavor, or way too many. Procreation should be only you and your partner's choice; if, when and how many - and no one else's. My favorite come back for most any personal question is "Why are you asking?"
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Mel 5-03-2008 @ 7:58PM
Wow, some people are so indignant. There is just nothing wrong with asking people about getting preggers. In fact, most people actually view such questions as evidence of care and interest; leave it to people on this site to take offense to something the rest of the world likes.
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Becca 5-03-2008 @ 8:24PM
Mel:
It's not just people on this site. It's people everywhere. Why is it any of your business if the family behind you at the grocery is going to have an other baby soon, wait a few years or not have any more at all?
I think the question from family is probably mostly because of care and interest. But when it starts before the first child is even 2? That's a bit baby obsessive isn't it?
These caring and interested family members usually ask this question hundreds of times, even when given a direct answer, if the answer isn't to their liking. It gets tiresome. Great Aunt Selma, or Grand Pa might be forgiven because their memories may not be good enough to remember what you said a couple of minutes ago, much less last week.
It's also rather painful for those who have recently lost a baby, or are having trouble getting pregnant when they want to. It rude, it's intrusive, and in cases like this it is insensitive. (Before you jump on it, I realize that a stranger probably wouldn't know those things since they are personal. But it hurts just the same.)
There are some people who want to have only one child. It gets irritating for them to hear so often that their family isn't good enough.
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Mel 5-04-2008 @ 12:01AM
It's not everyone though. And here's why: Somebody's gotta be asking all these "nosy" questions. Clearly a lot of people are being asked (this isn't the first time that this issue has come up on this site), which points to the probability that *a lot* of people are asking these questions. Which further indicates that *a lot* of people don't see the problem.
Look, if you want to keep it private, then keep it private. Just say you don't want to talk about it! Don't get all huffily indignant and take offense to an inquiry that is innocuous.
I really think that it's human nature to attempt solidarity. This is accomplished through questions and answers that lead to initimacy.
Sandyone 5-03-2008 @ 9:13PM
My sixth child is not yet ONE MONTH old and I have had more than five people ask me when Number Seven will be here. I just tell them, "Not tonight". I have been asked some version of this question more times than anyone can count. Sometimes I like to have a twinkle in my eye and say, "Ask me in nine months and a day!"
Having kids is, traditionally, a part of marriage. I know that my family situation is quite a curiosity for people. It's just a question and I don't ever take offense. Sometimes I marvel at the manner in which it is asked, but offense? Nah.
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Heather 5-04-2008 @ 8:47AM
My kids are almost 6 and 3 and I get this question more than anything. Then people seem to want to know how I know there aren't going to be anymore. Then I tell them my husband is fixed and they know FOR SURE we are done. We always said that 2 kids was the limit and we are sticking to it. Even my husband, while I was pregnant for #2, said "you know if this one is another boy you are going to want to try for a girl". He looked slightly amused when I said no 2 is it. Luckily we won't ever have to find that out, because we have one of each. :)
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