Closing the door: How do you decide your family is complete?
Categories: Just for moms, Pregnancy & birth, Playground bureau
My nephew was born last December, a delicious addition to my brother's family. Whenever I see him, which is not often enough, I nuzzle the folds in his neck, breathing deep his new-baby smell. I work hard to make him smile and laugh -- he's four months old after all, just learning to chortle -- and I fawn over his baby fingers and toes.
I do this because I love him, because he grows fast between visits. But I also do it to test myself, to see how I feel when I have to give him back to his parents. If the desire to have another baby is going to rear its head, it's going to happen while I'm holding that sweet little man.
So far, though I love him with abandon, my uterus is quiet.
When people used to ask me if we were going to have more children, the emphatic "no" that came from my mouth always surprised me. It's like my brain knew something my heart didn't, because my heart just wasn't ready to close that particular door for good. But lately, especially with the arrival of a new round of babies among family and friends, I realize that while I was struggling with how to close that particular door, somehow it had shut on its own.
How do you decide when your family is complete? Elizabeth Pantley recently wrote an article about the decision-making process and things to consider whether you've got one kid or nine. iVillage also covers the topic, with 10 questions you can ask yourself to help you with your decision. Heck, you can even take a quiz that might help you sort out the pros and cons.
But at the website HavingThreeKids, author Jennifer points out that logic doesn't always have a lot to do with it:
"I had this nagging sense that something was missing. I'd look at our dining room table and think, if we don't have another kid, there's always going to be another place at our table that someone should be sitting in."
Other moms, like this one, can't imagine loving another child as much as the one the already have. These stories are proof positive that the idea of "complete" is different for every family, for every mother.
Knowing that the population of our household is firmly set at four, this Mother's Day has me in a more reflective mood than usual. I know now that those baby days are behind us, and I can only hope that I enjoyed them to their fullest.
But right now, I have these two tiny and amazing girls to cherish. One loves flowers and has plucked every tulip from my garden. The other puts on a tutu every single morning and peels any bananas I forget to put out of her reach. These are the days of my young motherhood; knowing that there are no more babies in my future makes this time all the more precious.
Whether you decided to stop after one child, two, three or more -- how did you know that your family was complete?
I do this because I love him, because he grows fast between visits. But I also do it to test myself, to see how I feel when I have to give him back to his parents. If the desire to have another baby is going to rear its head, it's going to happen while I'm holding that sweet little man.
So far, though I love him with abandon, my uterus is quiet.
When people used to ask me if we were going to have more children, the emphatic "no" that came from my mouth always surprised me. It's like my brain knew something my heart didn't, because my heart just wasn't ready to close that particular door for good. But lately, especially with the arrival of a new round of babies among family and friends, I realize that while I was struggling with how to close that particular door, somehow it had shut on its own.
How do you decide when your family is complete? Elizabeth Pantley recently wrote an article about the decision-making process and things to consider whether you've got one kid or nine. iVillage also covers the topic, with 10 questions you can ask yourself to help you with your decision. Heck, you can even take a quiz that might help you sort out the pros and cons.
But at the website HavingThreeKids, author Jennifer points out that logic doesn't always have a lot to do with it:
"I had this nagging sense that something was missing. I'd look at our dining room table and think, if we don't have another kid, there's always going to be another place at our table that someone should be sitting in."
Other moms, like this one, can't imagine loving another child as much as the one the already have. These stories are proof positive that the idea of "complete" is different for every family, for every mother.
Knowing that the population of our household is firmly set at four, this Mother's Day has me in a more reflective mood than usual. I know now that those baby days are behind us, and I can only hope that I enjoyed them to their fullest.
But right now, I have these two tiny and amazing girls to cherish. One loves flowers and has plucked every tulip from my garden. The other puts on a tutu every single morning and peels any bananas I forget to put out of her reach. These are the days of my young motherhood; knowing that there are no more babies in my future makes this time all the more precious.
Whether you decided to stop after one child, two, three or more -- how did you know that your family was complete?
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Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)
Karen 5-03-2008 @ 5:54PM
Actually, I always wanted to have three. Unfortunately, two second trimester miscarriages later, I realize the universe has different plans for me. Sometimes you don't get to be the one who decides when to close the door. Sometimes the door gets slammed in your face.
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Nicola 5-04-2008 @ 8:38AM
We both wanted one and only one. There was never a question in our minds. We love our careers, we love to travel, we love each other. We didn't feel a need to add a bunch of extras into the mix. We knew that one child would complete us perfectly, make us a family.
And, as luck would have it, he's a perfect fit! Easygoing from day one. Nursed like a pro. Rarely a fuss or tantrum. Loves to travel. Huge personality, fills any room, can converse like he's ten years older than his mere age of four. We had one, and he was the perfect one. Husband had "the snip". We are complete.
The funny thing is that the mere thought of another baby brings me out in a cold sweat and a sick stomach. I have NO desire for a second. I know that some people wrestle with the "how many" issue, but for me, it was simple.
Reply
caitlin 5-04-2008 @ 11:41AM
I never wanted more than one. Everyone told me that having a baby would make me want lots more, but after dealing with an unplanned month long NICU stay, PPD, being the only mom in the mom's groups who didn't graduate high school the year I was born (or earlier)...well, let's just say the very thought of getting pregnant again gives me nightmares.
I wish I could make myself 20 years older, so people wouldn't pull the fertility equivalent of "You should eat your veggies, because kids in Ethiopia have none" or the ever popular "But you won't even be 30 for awhile... how could you possibly know you're done??".
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Anita 5-04-2008 @ 1:07PM
My husband and I had agreed on 3 ( I wanted 5, he was not sure) when we got married but after my second child was born, my husband changed his mind. He does not want anymore. I was devestated and we even went to counseling while I deciced if I was going to leave him but finally I decided I'd rather have my husband than three children. I've mostly come to peace with this decision but every once in a while someone will have a third child and I get very sad. And I will not let him get "snipped"!
I think it's one of the hardest things on a marriage, when a couple does not agree on the number of children they plan to have.
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ame s 5-04-2008 @ 2:03PM
The decision was made for me in 2001 when my late-husband and father of my now 8 & 10 year old daughters was diagnosed with bone cancer. We lost him in 2003.
I remarried in October of 07. I would love to have another but I will turn 40 this year and hubby will turn 48. I am too afraid to take the risk at my age.
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Sandyone 5-05-2008 @ 2:09PM
I usually just tell people, "We'll quit when we get an ugly one." So far, they've all been absolutely beautiful, so we're still going.
In reality, though, it's not up to me to decide when I'm finished having kids. It wasn't up to me to decide when to start or how to continue. While I know most people don't agree or even understand my perspective, I see my fertility as a gift, one that I'm not going to toss back to the One who gave it to me.
Reply
maria 5-05-2008 @ 3:51PM
I've always sort of thought that those who wrestled w/the question really did want another one. We wanted 3 but when we had fertility issues were happy when we had 2 - but left the door open for a surprise. Well we finished the basement needed some space, got rid of the crib. 6 weeks later I was pg... I can't imagine our family without her. We decided we're done because of $ and because I was 39 when I had our last. It was a pretty easy decision - but I do wonder if we were younger if we would have left ourselves open to another. That said - now that life is really chaotic (kids almost 4, 6 & 8) I see single child families and think about how easy it is - they go out for dinner, they have $ to go exciting places. To be honest, I never understood why someone would want only one - and now I get it. I tell my single child neighbor she gets the best of both worlds - her daughter can play at our house but then go home to peace and quiet.
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