Co-sleeping: Bad habit or fact of life?

by Bethany Sanders (Subscribe to Bethany Sanders's posts) May 15th 2008 10:00AM

Categories: Babies, Toddlers, Preschoolers, Kids 5-7, Development, Sleep

Tomorrow night, my mother-in-law is visiting. Lucky her, she gets the bottom (full-sized) bunk, being that it's the only guest bed we currently have in the house. I plan on sticking my three-year-old in with us, but gave my five-year-old the option of sleeping on the top bunk or camping out in our room.

"Oh, I'll sleep in my own bed. It's where all my babies are."

Do you know how long I've waited to hear those words? FIVE YEARS. Still, shortly after I got done jumping for joy, I felt sad. My chronic co-sleeper didn't want to sleep with me anymore. Isn't motherhood weird?

For me, co-sleeping was just a habit I fell into out of pure exhaustion. Though I kept them in a co-sleeper when they were babies, they learned as toddlers that if they boomeranged back from their crib to my bed enough times in a night, I'd eventually lift up my covers and let them in.

According to CNN, I was creating what is known as a bad habit. I'm just a parent, not a parenting expert, but something tells me tonight -- with two kids snoozing upstairs who now stay in their beds until eight o'clock every morning (I know, you're jealous, aren't you?), kids who now choose their baby dolls to cuddle with instead of me -- that I won't ever regret those nights spent sleeping next to a perpendicular toddler who kicks me in the ribs.

Still, if you want to evict your kiddo from your bed or fix one of three other less-than-attractive habits (whining, anyone?), the parenting experts over at CNN can help you out.

Source

Comments (15)

Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)

katie 5-15-2008 @ 10:10AM

I believe co-sleeping is not a bad habit but ensures that your childen will be more independent (in the end). In other cultures its perfectly normal to co-sleep. I think its strange when a master bedroom is downstairs and the childrens rooms are upstairs. Why would you want to be so far away from your children.

ivory 5-15-2008 @ 10:49AM

Cosleeping falls into that "If done safely, it can be a blessing" category in my mind. It's been shown that cosleeping mothers get more sleep than their crib-using friends, and really, what we all need is a bit more sleep. I think if we accept that nearly all parents cosleep at some point, it would be easier to get the safety guidelines out there. As it is, it is a big taboo to admit your kids are in your bed, so no one talks about the importance of a baby-safe bed the way they talk about the 'back to sleep' rule.

Bethany Sanders 5-15-2008 @ 10:51AM

Good point about safety, Ivory. Personally, I never felt safe when my babies were actually IN bed with me, so therefore never could sleep. The co-sleeper was a blessing, though, until they got to big for it.

mamaloo 5-15-2008 @ 10:52AM

Co-sleeping is something that turned out to be instinctual for my family. When my first was born I learned a few things:

- When the baby cries nurse him or cuddle him.
- If he can't sleep during the day, put him in a sling/ABC/carrier.
- When you sleep and nurse at night, have the baby within arm's reach to minimize your lack of sleep.
- When you want to minimize the chance of SIDS keep your baby within arm's reach so that you'll hear/feel if he is breathing, he'll feel/hear your breathing and you'll just be closer if something were to happen.

It really boggled (boggles) my mind that parents could stand to be so far separated from their children until those children start desiring independence. That's no judgment, I just don't get it. Early parenting for me naturally means a high degree of closeness with a baby/toddler/preschooler. I don't think I could sleep if a baby were in a crib in another room.

It is only in western culture, and fairly recent in history, that we separate ourselves from our children. In our early history and in native cultures almost universally, babies and small children (heck, entire families) share not only a room but a single bed.

I really don't think that in, say, the middle ages of English, when an entire family slept in a big bed near the main fireplace of their home, that young adults were psychologically maladjusted. I doubt that native Pacific Islanders have school age kids who are overly dependant on their mothers for everything.

These are entirely Western neuroses about child rearing and I think, if it were examined closely on a family by family basis, you would find that the things that cosleeping and other attachment type parenting traits are blamed for, the negative things, are actually caused by other parenting decisions (probably to do with discipline issues).

If a particular parent, however, chooses to keep a baby in a crib in another room, that's their business. I may feel that my way of parenting has major benefits over another way, but I'm not judging other parents about it. (Well, unless you think hitting kids is a valid and loving form of discipline, yeah, I kinda judge about that! Nyuk!)

Mel 5-15-2008 @ 11:28AM

Honestly, I think it's weird *not* to have a family bed. For a long time, I thought everyone did that. I was amazed when I realized that many sleep separately. It just seems so...natural. I believe that, among other benefits, it fosters a certain togetherness and solidarity that just cannot be attained in the absence of a family bed.

Jenn 5-15-2008 @ 11:44AM

My daughter would not sleep with us, unless she was not feeling well, after she reached about 8 months. There were times when I would have given a lot if she would just go to sleep in our bed! I *tried* but once she was ready to go to sleep, she would cry until we put her in her crib, and then she'd be out like a light. Now that she is a toddler, she asks to sleep in "the daddy bed" but then refuses to sleep -- sit up, stand up, jump on the bed, lie down, stand up, jump, etc etc. Anything but sleep.
*sigh*
She is an affectionate, loving child, full of confidence and the urge to explore. She loves to cuddle with us, she just doesn't like to sleep with us.
I don't think co-sleeping is a bad thing, as long as it is done with a regard for safety. And like katie, I don't really understand the master bedroom on the other side of the house from the kids' rooms setup. Until you have teenagers, anyway! But of course, then you want them closer so you can keep an eagle eye on them.....

linda 5-15-2008 @ 12:29PM

my daughter, now 2.5 years old, has never slept with me unless she was sick. as a newborn, she slept in a bassinet in the same room as me. at 2.5 months of age, we moved her to her crib in her own room, and i slept in the same room until she started sleeping through the night, around 3 months of age. ever since then, she's slept in her own crib/room.

in my humble opinion, co-sleeping is a habit like any other (for instance, i take showers at night rather than in the morning because it works better for me). to some, it's bad; to others, it's good. whatever works for the individual family and promotes better sleep for all.

the goddess anna 5-15-2008 @ 12:56PM

We usually have at least one kid sleeping in our bed - usually the oldest (especially when Daddy is away). I like it and I don't. I personally hate sleeping alone unless I am sick, but we only have a full-sized bed. It barely fits the two adults, let alone 3 more kids (and two cats!). Also, doesn't anybody else have an issue with kids in bed when the parents want to be intimate? I mean, our kids are the primary form of BC in our house, just because they like to be in bed with us.

My twins still sleep in the same bed together, though, and we don't plan on splitting them up any time soon (they're nearly 3). I'd say co-sleeping works better for them than for my husband and I with our daughter.

Kellie 5-15-2008 @ 1:27PM

Anna, the bed isn't the only place to have sex. ;) The family bed has made us more creative and completely spiced up our sex life because we find new and different places than we had previously used.

the goddess anna 5-15-2008 @ 2:24PM

Oh, I know there are other places to have sex. The shower/laundry room/couch/etc got boring years ago, though. You can't roll over in the middle of the night to have nookie when the kid is there, though, and it defeats the purpose to get out of bed at 2am to have a quickie.

That's my main argument against it, though. Generally, I'm okay with co-sleeping.

Carolyn 5-15-2008 @ 2:41PM

My 2 year old has never slept with either my husband or I. Not for a nap, not at night, not when sick. It's as much her choice as ours. Even as a baby she'd fight and struggle if we ever tried to lay down with her for a nap. She's a very happy, independent little girl who has always been comfortable in her own bed, in her own room.

I certainly don't think it's weird NOT to have a family bed! I absolutely disagree our bond suffers in any way because we each enjoy a good night's sleep on our own.

To each their own.

Carolyn
http://www.momsontheedge.ca

Uly 5-15-2008 @ 9:32PM

She still *is* cosleeping - with *her* babies!

Sherry 5-15-2008 @ 9:37PM

My daughter slept with me until she was almost four. Her little brother slept in my bed, with his sister on the other side until he was one. Due to a move and change in bed situation last year that makes co-sleeping not as safe as it was where we were previously, my son is still in my room, but in his own separate bed. My daughter is in her own room, except for the occasional bad dream or illness.

It is nice to have my own space and no elbows in the eyes or knees in the kidney, but I miss having both of them snuggled up next to me. I really understand your feeling of sadness.

By the way, my daughter is almost 5 and like you we never had a problem getting her into her own bed when we moved and doubt we will have a problem moving my almost 2 year old son into his own room later on.

Sherry 5-15-2008 @ 9:39PM

Oops, I meant to say, " Her little brother slept in my bed, with his sister on my other side until he was one. He was on my right; she was on my left."

Having an older child sleep beside an infant isn't considered safe.

Hugh 5-16-2008 @ 12:42PM

Co-sleeping is great, when done safely. How can providing a safe place, were your child would actually prefer to sleep bad?

Go to www.co-sleepingsurvey.com and see how people do it

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