Would you, should you tell a friend?

by Christina Sbarro (Subscribe to Christina Sbarro's posts) May 17th 2008 12:00PM

Categories: Toddlers, Preschoolers, Medical Conditions, Development

I recently attended a party for one of my son's friends, and found myself slipping into teacher mode as I watched a particular little boy interact with the other kiddos there.

In my opinion, this child was likely on the autism spectrum, exhibiting numerous spectrum behaviors from extreme noise sensitivity, and rigidity about everything, to throwing numerous and extreme tantrums over things most kids don't even notice ("She is making a beeping noise, so I just can't play by her.")

The child's parents seemed to be unaware that he may not have been behaving typically for his age. In fact, both parents were regularly justifying his behavior, suggesting that "all kids are OCD" and that his bursting into tears when everyone was singing happy birthday (too loud) was something any kid might do.

And I get it. If he was my kid, I'd probably be doing the exact same thing. No parent is really ever ready to learn that their child might not be typical.

Nearly one in a hundred children are diagnosed with autism, and the disorder affects boys far more than it does girls. The causes are still unknown, although some believe that it may be linked to vaccinations and even to things like an early exposure to television. The disorder can affect everything from the way a child is able to interact socially, to how he or she is able to learn and grow and later become an independent adult.

With that said, there is so much that can be done with early intervention for children who are on the spectrum. And I I felt torn about saying nothing (which is what I did.)

Would you (or should you) ever tell a friend that you think their child might be _____? Fill in the blank: be on the spectrum, have a reading disorder, have ADD, or even be gifted for that matter. Is it ever right to step across this unspoken boundary, especially if it might be in the long-term best interests of the child?

Comments (22)

Reader Comments (Page 1 of 2)

Karen 5-17-2008 @ 3:08PM

I tend to be on the "tell" side. You have to be careful. I tend to tell them about my experiences, and let them know that there are "exercises" that you can do and avoid words like diagnosis, therapy, etc. and they might want to check into it. I also say things like my life has been so much easier, and his life is so much better now that we know what to look for, etc. They don't want to be different, but generally people don't want their child to suffer either. Also, I think since you are a teacher, people look to you as an expert in these types of things (sometimes) and take it easier than if it came from anyone.

The thing is, the earlier they get treatment, the more likely they are to develop the skills and tools to get by in life with less pain and aggravation.

This little boy isn't crying to be a brat (although many will perceive it that way), but because he is hurting inside from the noise. To me it is worth making the adult mad if it means the child might get help.

I usually end with saying something like, "I just wanted to throw that out there. Go with your gut." because it is likely their gut has been telling them something all along.

Jenn 5-17-2008 @ 1:15PM

Well, what you're describing sounds more to me like sensory processing problems (or sensory integration dysfunction, it goes by a dozen different names.) My 4-year-old son has those, as well as ADHD, and he sometimes acts the way you've described. But he has been tested by numerous experts (because believe me, I was very concerned that he was on the autistic spectrum.) And they did not diagnose him with autistic spectrum disorder (unless you call ADHD an autistic spectrum disorder, and some doctors believe that it is.) So the preschool director who first suggested to me that he might possibly be autistic, really only succeeded in making me worry and spend hours on the internet, and ultimately caused me to pull him out of that school. With occupational therapy and a small change in diet, my son is doing great now, BTW.

My suggestion would be that if you're going to say anything to his parents, just mention that it sounds like he has sensory processing issues, and that they might want to have him seen by a neurologist. There is help for SI dysfunction. A great book is "Raising a Sensory Smart Child" by Lindsey Biel.

jenn 5-17-2008 @ 5:56PM

I should have been more clear in saying that lots of kids with sensory processing problems are on the autistic spectrum. But there are also lots of kids with SPD who are NOT on the autistic spectrum (like my son... his nervous system is just quirky and needs some retraining.) But I guess they'd probably want to start with a neurologist or neuropsychologist and go from there. Whether or not the kid is on the autistic spectrum, they will probably refer him to an occupational therapist for help with his sensory issues. And I liked Ivory's suggestion about taking the friend out for coffee... that would seem a caring and nice way to bring it up.

vicky 5-23-2008 @ 9:59AM

same with my brother. my mother has taken him to numerous doctors and have only found slight PDD-NOS. he has done better with occupational therapy and diet change but we need more. more information, more evrything. none of my friends never understood my brother either on the bus or at school. except 1. that's how you know who your real friends are. it's funny how if our child or brother have cancer friends and neighbors come and comort you with meals at your doorstep but if your child or brother have autism at the grocery store friends and neighbors go down a different aisle.

Melissaria 5-17-2008 @ 3:16PM

Oh please, please don't keep peddling that old chestnut about vaccinations and autism. It is nonsense of the highest order. The scientific study which made the inital link has been taken to pieces and discredited so thoroughly that nothing remains of the tatters of it but constant scaremongering amongst the ill informed.

It's also dangerous nonsense - any story which contributes to parents NOT getting their children vaccinated is A Bad Thing. They've started fining and jailing parents in Belgium who refuse vaccination - and I can't say that I disagree.

Mel 5-17-2008 @ 3:49PM

"They've started fining and jailing parents in Belgium who refuse vaccination - and I can't say that I disagree."

Wow, if Belgium does it, then it *must* be correct. Belgium is soo the authority on running a nation. I've always taken its advice on waffles, but now I'm going to heed its guidance on medical care too!

Meagan 5-18-2008 @ 12:57AM

Christina said: "The causes are still unknown, although some believe that it may be linked to vaccinations and even to things like an early exposure to television." which is perfectly true and does not in any way imply that she believes either.

Melissaria 5-24-2008 @ 9:14AM

Oh come off it. The fromerly alleged link has been so thoroughly trashed and discredited that only anyone without any real understanding of how science works could possibly still be clinging on to it. And it's frankly irresponsible journalism to still be linking to any article that gives the notion credence. There is no link, just as there is no 'big pharma' vaccination industry trying to poison our children for a quick profit. It's an imperfect science, but it's still the best we have, and it still requires a very high percentage of the population to take part if it is to have a chance of working. There will always be a small percentage of children who cannot be vaccinated for perfectly good medical reasons. Refusing to do so based on ignorance and misinformation is inexcusable.

eugene 5-17-2008 @ 4:55PM

This just in, coffee causes infidelity! Yes, that's right, men who drink coffee in the morning are 90% more likely to cheat on their partners! This story and more on: www.people_who_dont_know_the_difference_between_causality_and_correlation.com

Snide remarks aside. I'm definitely in the "tell" group. It seems that there is growing evidence to support the idea that early intevention is crucial to successfully dealing with autism, so why wouldn't you tell the parents. I mean, if you thought the child had a food allergy that the parents missed, wouldn't you tell them?

courtney 5-17-2008 @ 5:23PM

That's a hard one, because most parents (esp in denial) won't take kindly you pointing out that something may be wrong with their child. When I was pregnant with my first son I baby sat a 3 year old boy. He rarely spoke and when he did it was very hard to understand, he threw more nasty fits then I'd like to remember and rarely ate anything that wasn't white. I tried very respectfully to suggest that maybe this wasn't the norm (after speaking with my own pediatrician). His mother did not appreciate my even bringing up and decided I was no longer a good choice for their child care needs. 2 years later I ran into her, we chatted briefly and her son was now in therapy dealing with the delays. It's sad to think the therapy could have started 2 years earlier. I guess it's a matter of the importance of your relationship with the person and the benefit to the child.

ivory 5-17-2008 @ 5:45PM

I am in the "tell" group. Take your friend out to coffee, and preface the question with a "I want you to know I love you and your son, and that is why I need to ask you something that may upset you. I worry that Sammy may have some signs of a sensory sensitivity, and have a couple brochures here if you want to look over them. I don't want to overstep my boundaries, but I trust that if you thought you could help my kids, you would. I hope I'm wrong."
And then if her feelings are hurt? Give it time. Reach out, try not to take it personally, and be sincere. Friendship is about more than chatting on the lawn - it's about being there for each other when things are rough, and if your friends son IS on the spectrum, she will need someone to lean on.

ivory 5-17-2008 @ 5:45PM

George 6-29-2008 @ 11:35PM

Having done Shaken Baby prevention education for eight years, I'd have to say I'm adverse to "telling" anyone about sensitive subjects like these. As an education workshop title aptly put it, "telling ain't teaching."

Educating is different, especially if it is based on your own experiences and your collected wisdom. And I think it's especially important to reframe early intervention as an opportunity, not a stigmatization.

In our experience, that requires education at many levels. Educators, health care professionals, media and what I call reference parents - those who are perceived in their community as models of effective parenting and sources of knowledge.

Unfortunately, while having such conversation is a lot easier in an informed and educated social context, they are by far the exceptions.

That can change. For example, SBS education is now required to be offered to new parents in New York (and in 10 other states) before they leave the hospital.

Our pediatrician says this has made it much easier for him to talk to new parents about the danger of shaking young children and the need to have a coping plan. It's no longer a question for the parents why their pediatrician thought it necessary to talk to them about child abuse. Now, it's one more thing he can do to help them keep their child safe.

Individual action, in the absence of social action, is a much harder slog. Hopefully, the increased concern about autism will not only raise anxiety, but raise the information in the community about the importance of early remedial action.

Jennifer 5-17-2008 @ 10:21PM

Once upon a time I would have been in the 'tell' group as well.... BUT... a couple things make me wonder...

1. Do the parents perhaps have the same set of sensory processing issues? If so, they may perceive their child as 100% normal because he is 100% normal to them. I've met a few people like that in my lifetime. They wholeheartedly find everyone else as strange as their child does :)

2. And at this point in time who hasn't heard of autism? It my mind it would be like walking up to a friend and telling them you think they might have cancer. It's become such a buzzword lately that I think for some people it would turn them off.

I understand your point and I understand why you'd want to. I guess I'd just continue to watch and try to subtly slip it into conversations in other ways that are general with the hope that they'll pick up the cue.

Jen
http://parents2parents.org

Sarah 5-17-2008 @ 11:07PM

I'm in the 'tell' group, sort of. I'd explain to the parents my own experiences and advise them to talk to their family doctor. My older son is almost 14, and was bounced around by our county's special ed dept under every category from ADHA, OCD, to Emotionaly Disturbed. He was already 8 by the time someone suggested I have him evaluated for Asperger's Syndrome which falls under the Autism Spectrum. He's improved and learned ways to handle himself in social situations, but he still has times of difficulty. If someone had suggested to me sooner, he might not have gotten kicked out of 5daycares and 3 elementary schools by the age of 8. All I ever heard from the teachers/daycares was 'put him on drugs, we MIGHT take him back. He'll be 14 next month and has never been on meds, he just needed an IEP that worked with his strengths and weaknesses. So yes, I say tell the parents if you think their child might need some help.

Jenni 5-17-2008 @ 11:50PM

Do you have any actual qualifications to make a recommendation? Have you spent more than one afternoon with the child in question? Even as someone who does have the qualifications, I approach this delicatly because, in most cases, I am not involved enough to make a diagnosis.

What I will say is something along the lines of "Wow, he seems to react so much more strongly to loud noises. Have you mentioned this to your pediatrician?" This is enough to possibly let them know and, more likely than not, they might just ask in passing the next time they are there.

Seeing the child in only one setting is also not a good basis to judge. I was completely typicall in my development but even to this day I don't do good in large group settings. I have very sensitive ears and will avoid anything larger than 4-5 people if I can. If I can't, I stick close by my husband. As a child, I never liked to be in large groups either; it wasn't until I was an adult that I was able to figure out why.

I only tell someone if I know them or spend enough time with them that we have a close trusting relationship (a true definition of friendship). In my experience, those close friends have said something to the parents and they have either looked into it and found nothing wrong, or they are in denial and go into defensive mode and won't hear you or your good intentions anyway.

Jenni 5-18-2008 @ 1:57PM

I want to add that, even as a teacher, NEVER give a medical diagnosis. Refer them to their pediatrician; but no matter how sure you are of a diagnosis, the only thing to say is: "You should get it checked out" This goes for everything from disbilities to a cold. When you contact a parent to send a child home: "You're child's eye is red, irritated, and watery. She needs to be seen by a doctor." Never say "Your child has pink eye." You are not a doctor and can get yourself into big trouble.

The only one's that should be telling a person their child is autistic or anything else should be a medical doctor or specialist in that area.

Sherry 5-18-2008 @ 12:35AM

I wouldn't say anything to these parents because like Jenni pointed out, what are my/your qualifications in this area? I mean, yes, you are a teacher, but are you a certified authority on autism and someone who works with kids with this problem for a living. Even if you/I are qualified, spending a few hours watching the kid off and on at a party is hardly a complete workup, is it?

The kid could have just been having a bad day.

And in regards to telling parents anything else about their own kid, I won't ever do it. They probably already know there is something going on with their kid, and they don't exactly need me bringing it up. Putting a "out of friendship" kind of label on it isn't going to soften the blow of me saying I think there is something wrong with their kid when I really have no idea what I am talking about.

BrownWllmsprt 5-18-2008 @ 6:24AM

Save Our Teens!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Jin 5-19-2008 @ 8:06AM

Do tell..remember to be mindful of how you tell...resources and support information handy....informing friends of their 'genius-like' children always helps them understand the need for additional input and support.

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