Kicking Daddy out of bed

by Christina Sbarro (Subscribe to Christina Sbarro's posts) May 18th 2008 11:02AM

Categories: Just For Moms, Babies, Toddlers, Preschoolers, Just For Dads, Sleep

When you have a baby you are automatically inducted into the cult of people-who-will-sleep-anywhere-at-all. Welcome. It's a lovely place, really. Especially if you're Daddy, and you're on night duty. Or maybe you're not on night duty, and you're in the way and snoring.

Before having a baby, I had no idea how frequently spouses spent their nights on the guest bedroom pull-out, on the couch downstairs, or in their child's princess bed.

It's the Murphy's law of parenting the young child. Where you end up, and how you end up there, might be different, but the fact remains the same: you will end up sleeping somewhere else not once, but many times, in the span of your child's young life.

In our household, co-sleeping was something we were into when our son was small, so when we realized our three-year old was still waking up in the middle of the night (night terrors) seeking consolation, we bought a king-sized bed and told him to come crawl into our bed in the middle of the night, instead of trekking to his room, where one of us would invariably end up sleeping.

But co-sleeping, like anything else in the realm of parenting, is something that some parents are totally for, and others are totally against. And many of my friends who say they are totally against co-sleeping because of what it might do to their marital relationship, end up booting their husbands out of bed. So that hubby can get better sleep. So that there is more room in bed. So that no one will have to listen to hubs snoring. So that maybe, just maybe he'll forget all about sex. Or whatever.

And apparently this is not as unusual as one might guess. According to some sources, by 2015 60% of custom homes will be built with dual master bedrooms. Does your spouse end up sleeping somewhere else?

Comments (12)

Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)

Judy 5-18-2008 @ 11:32AM

In casual conversations with friends, I've been surprised, too, but just how common it is for spouses to sleep separately, at least some of the time. I always thought we were really weird for doing so. Some of our good friends admitted they started sleeping in separate rooms when they had their baby, who slept with mom, and have continued to do so, largely because the husband's snoring disrupts the wife and child. We sleep separately frequently for the same reasons - my husband snores, and even with 2 futons on the floor, it gets crowded with 4 of us in one room. In the middle of the night, the 4 yo will often get up and go sleep with Daddy.

We're not about to have 2 separate master suites, and my husband usually just sleeps in his office/spare bedroom. We all get adequate sleep this way, we still get to spend plenty of good "quality" time together, and everyone is happy.

Frankly, I have no problem with anyone's sleeping arrangement if everyone is happy and sleeping well. To me, that's priority #1 - everyone sleeps!

Kelly 5-21-2008 @ 1:02PM

I agree with Judy as far as everyone needs to sleep. I believe strongly that whatever works for you and your family is best. However, after reading Good Night, Sleep Tight by Kim West I learned so much about babies and sleep. My baby is now on a sleep schedule and sleeps in her own bed and usually naps very well. We have had some setbacks and most of them have been my fault, I love to rock and hold her when she sleeps but after helping her learn to sleep on her own she is so much happier during the day and so am I after getting good sleep. It also makes it easier for other people to keep her for a night when my husband and I want to go out.

Justin 5-18-2008 @ 12:15PM

Bingo Judy!

Rule number 1 is that everyone sleeps well and everyone is comfortable with the deal.

I guess I sit on the "I'm for co-sleeping" side of the fence as I've been known to fall asleep in any room of the house or known for waking up with someone who is much smaller than myself in bed next to me (Usually with very cold feet I might add).

I have nothing against it as long as everyone is comfortable with the arrangements. It's when people aren't comfortable that the rules need to change. Actually I find it amusing because I'm the one who will sometimes sneak off into another room because of my girlfriend's snoring. Guess I've got a bit of a different situation eh?

L.A. Wold 5-18-2008 @ 12:34PM

What is this thing called sleep? I'm not quite sure I would like to accept that idea as the new norm. I am well aware that husbands and wives need there space but, where is the connection? How many times have you found out more about your partner and their day before you start sawing logs lying next to one another?Unfortunatley my wife and I have never had normal sleeping arrangements. She has had some severe insomnia with pregnancy and after. I can sleep pretty much where ever I fall as long as it's a little quiet and I'm tired. My wife needs the white noise of the T.V. or something and has more times than I care to count, fallen asleep on the sofa. I can't stand it!

ivory 5-18-2008 @ 1:54PM

My husband has slept in the guest room a handful of times in our parenting career, but it's a priority for us not to make it a habit. If it seems like it has become the norm, we sit down and decide how to fix the situation. Intimacy is about more than sex - it's about rolling over and smelling your spouse in the middle of the night, waking up when they get up to go to work to tell them to have a nice day, and fighting over blankets every hour in between. We cosleep (and have sex elsewhere) but what I really miss when my husband (or the baby and I) retreat to the other bedroom is that brush of skin under warm blankets, and I'm not willing to take that separation lightly.

ame s 5-18-2008 @ 2:10PM

I have always been a very light sleeper. My now late husband snored horribly even after 2 laser surgeries. I toughed it out when our first was born, survived on very little sleep and almost lost my mind.
When we brought our 2nd daughter home, hubs spent over a week living in the guest room because he had the flu and pneumonia. That was the best week of sleep (even having a newborn in the bed with me) that I had had in a decade.
After he came back to the master bedroom, I would lay there listening to him snore as long as I could stand it then move to the guest room or into our 2 year old's bed. He was very resentful, once making a comment to the effect of "If you loved me you would sacrifice one night of sleep for me." Um, I was chasing after a 2 year old who had given up naps and nursing an infant every 2 hours. He NEVER helped with the children during the night. I then became very resentful that he would even say such a thing.
He was diagnosed with cancer when younger DD was 1, was sleeping in a hospital bed in the living room when she was 2. He then became all indignant when I didn't want to sleep on the sofa or perch on the 14 available inches on that hospital bed and listen to him snore.
It's no wonder that I prefer husband #2, eh?
Parents MUST sleep, where ever, however they can.

CLM 5-18-2008 @ 6:55PM

In the very early days, after daddy leave had run out and the twins still had to be fed every couple of hours, I slept on the living room couch so he could get some sleep. He did the same for me on weekends. Once we got past that stage, it was back to the marital bed for us.

Tamyu 5-18-2008 @ 8:51PM

We`ve all slept in the same bed since my son was able to roll over on to it. (We started sleeping on futons on the floor, with a baby futon at the side.)
We later bought beds, and went with linking double and single so we have a huge bed with more than enough room for everyone.

Other than one night spent in a hotel when we went to a friend`s wedding, if we`re in the same house we sleep in the same bed. My son doesn`t even have his own bed - it`s family bed all the way.

SAM 5-18-2008 @ 9:42PM

My spouse and I sleep in our bed and the kids sleep in theirs. Sure there are nights when someone has a bad dream, and they come for comfort. But the majority of the time, we are in our own beds.
We have friends whose kids sleep with them. It's hard to have a nice adult evening when their kids are up every ten minutes needing something, anything, and mine are sound asleep on the floor. It makes you not want to bother because you know you'd have a better time at home visiting with your spouse.
Kids should be taught to just sleep on thier own. Why do people feel the need to sleep with their kids from day one? Do they not want alone time with their spouse anymore? That's what it sounds like to me.

Heather 5-18-2008 @ 10:29PM

I completely agree. Our son, for whatever reason, felt the need to be close to us while I was pregnant with our daughter and wanted to sleep with us. For about the first 3 or 4 days it was..ok. Then we got his matress and stuck him on the floor. He stayed there until his sister arived, but then we moved when she was only a week old. (Into my MIL's house for 4 months...UGH) When we bought our new house it was not ANY issue to stick the kids in their own rooms. It about drove us crazy to have him in our bed. Even on the RARE occasion that someone comes in the bedroom due to thunder, or night scares, they get a pallet on the floor. We have tried to let them stay with us but it just doesn't work in a double bed...even on the nights when it is just me. (hubby works 3rd shift) The kids have their own rooms and beds they can stay there. I would have killed to have my own room growing up...they are gonna like it dang it!! :)

Jennifer 5-18-2008 @ 11:11PM

My husband and I sleep in our bed, the kiddos each sleep in their own. This of course is in the past two years of owning our own small home after all being smushed together in a tiny little apartment.

My brother's wife is Japanese and when he visits with his kids they all sleep together in one giant family bed on the floor. They have three children.

I have no problem with married couples who want to share separate bedrooms. My husband and I actually spent most nights apart when we were only in our 2nd year of marriage. The house we were renting had a guest room and I ended up making the space my own. One night I wasn't feeling well and decided I'd prefer to sleep alone. Then I liked having my own space and my own room. At that point in time we didn't have kids so we could have intimacy any time or place we wanted it.

As soon as all of us moved out of my parents house my parents immediately took separate bedrooms. My father claims my mother snores. They're so happy to have their own space and get along much better now that they don't have to sleep together. Go figure. There's always a lot of moaning and groaning when the holidays roll around and we all come home again because they'll share a bed for space.

As a previous commenter said...the bottom line is sleep. People need to be able to sleep comfortably in their own home. If you can't sleep comfortably there, then where can you sleep?

Jen
http://parents2parents.org
http://furoreandfrenzy.com

Melissa 6-11-2008 @ 2:10PM

I have been been against co-sleeping and separate bedrooms for my husband and I since my 4 year olds birth. Biggest issue with co-sleeping? In many cases it never ends! My sis-in-law's whole family sleeps in one big king sized bed, her 2 girls are 4 and 8! My own mother has issues too, when I was 11, my 5 y old brother died tragically so when I was 17 and she had a surprise baby, she did the co-sleeping thing out of fear that he would stop breathing in his sleep. Now he's almost 11... and still sleeps with his mother. As a child I never slept with my parents, it wasn't even an issue. I think I crept into their bed after a nightmare once and that was it. At what point do the kids go to sleep in their own room? How will these kids go to college without mommy and daddy to sleep with them? At what point do we teach our kids independence? The next generation is going to be so co-dependent it won't even be funny. How do mom & dad get private time? In my marraige that private time is essential. Many couples don't feel the need to "get together" more than a few times a year but my husband and I like to do it a few times a week and we like to do it alone, in the comfort of our own bed. So Co-sleeping just doesn't work for us. There are other reasons also, my husband asks now and then if my 4 year old can sleep with us and my answer is always no! For one, I have severe insomnia. I require lots of space in my king sized bed, silence and total darkness. My daughter seems to always end up with her feet poking me somewhere unpleasant. In the best of conditions I only get a few hours sleep so I refuse to make it worse by adding to my problems. I think the one or two times I relented, she woke up after a few hours and asked to go back to her own room. (An independent sleeper!, A mini-wave in celebration of my parenting methods!) As far as separate bedrooms for my husband and myself I would never want that and I don't think my husband would either. I want a bed big enough to sleep in without his elbow in my back, I'm cool with sending him a postcard from my side of the bed but I still want him THERE! There are little things that bother each of us about the others sleep habits, mostly that bother him, poor guy, I get up and down a lot at night, toss and turn and lately he's said that I've been snoring, (how embarrassing) but we tolerate each other well in our bedroom and we like sleeping together, any cons to the situation are worth it. We don't even have a TV in the bedroom, it is a place for him and me, not for us to ignore each other and watch tv. Every one has to do what works for their family, but I could never do the co-sleeping thing, or sleep apart from my husband.

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