The heart-pounding (and orifice-puckering) Q-tip story
Categories: Newborns, Babies, Health & safety, Home remedies
I was snickering (with you! WITH you!) at some of your comments on my last entry, particularly the poster whose screaming son scared everyone enough to take him to the ER where he eventually ripped an enormous fart -- the apparent source of all his discomfort -- before immediately calming down and falling asleep. Ha ha ha! I mean, I hope it's funny now, because I'm sure it was a fairly horrible experience at the time.
Speaking of being able to laugh at past unpleasant experiences, I'm reminded of the time our first boy was a newborn and he hadn't pooped for a couple days. I had been obsessively detailing every single molecule that went in or came out of his body in an Excel spreadsheet (a crazymaking and frankly stupid practice we thankfully never considered for one hot second when our second son was born) and as I realized I hadn't documented anything in the appropriately-colored "POOP" column for more than 24 hours, I started to freak OUT.
With some barely-remembered set of instructions in my mind that had to do with -- I am not even making this up -- relieving constipation in pet rats, I did some Googling and verified that a well-lubricated Q-tip could do the same trick on babies. I stationed my husband nearby with the phone, ready to dial -- well, I don't know: 911? The National Guard? Oprah? -- and ever so carefully . . . I, um, "swirled" a vaseline-coated Q-tip in my baby's butt.I'd like to pause just for a second to let that, ah, sink in. I put a cotton swab in my child's butt! ON PURPOSE. I'm still cringing, I swear to god.
Looking back on it I really don't know why I decided to take matters into my own hand rather than just calling the nurse line, which I did on many other ridiculously panicked occasions ("Help! My baby has a brown, withered thing hanging from his stomach!" "Um, do you mean the umbilical cord, ma'am?"), but whether or not a Q-tip would have been medically recommended, it sure did the job. Our boy's hind end suddenly resembled a tube of toothpaste that was being vigorously squeezed from the top down, only instead of toothpaste coming out . . . well, you get the picture.
It's funny to me now, but man, at the time I think I was actually crying tears of relief as Riley performed Poopapalooza '95, because clearly the baby had been near DEATH. Which, in retrospect: no. No, in fact he was most likely 100% fine before some crazy woman went and shoved a Q-tip in his hiney.
How about you? Do you have any funny-only-in-hindsight stories of parental Trauma and Woe?
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Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)
Christina 5-23-2008 @ 12:28PM
This is by far the funniest thing I have read in awhile... OMG I had tears rolling down my cheeks and my hand hurts from jamming it into my mouth so I would not laugh out loud in my cubicle so that rest of my coworkers would ask What are you laughing at and could you imagine me telling them this story!?!?!? AH. Okay first all... a Q-TIP with vaseline? We just gave the little guy some Gas X and called it a day. But seriously (oh that pun was SO intended) it worked, huh???
And the $400 fart from the other person. Holy crap. I cannot even think of anything that would compare because those two are just so funny and would make any of mine seem tame in comparison!
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sharon 5-23-2008 @ 1:04PM
It's okay to laugh at me! It was a real rookie move on our part to take him to the ER. We do laugh about it now. As for the poop issue... we always just "took their temperature" with the rectal thermometer which seemed to have the same effect. It's amazing how we can become obsessed with someone else's body functions.
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SAM 5-23-2008 @ 1:12PM
We had to do the Q-tip thing for my son, too. But we waited until it had been about 5 days between stinky diapers. My husband always made me do it. He said he was scared to hurt the baby, like I wasn't. It's nice to know I'm not the only one to have done this (had to do it) to their child. :)
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Jan Bay 5-23-2008 @ 2:04PM
We used to joke (to keep from crying!) that our oldest could have gone into the construction business because she pooped brick bats. That was the most constipated child I've ever seen! Nothing seemed to help, the pediatrician (dumb head that he seems to be at times) didn't have a clue and offered little advice other than to change formulas and avoid rice. There were times that we had to use the vaseline trick, but didn't insert it with a Q-tip. We just dabbed a little onto her behind and within a short amount of time, the job was done. The bowel movement was still hard as a rock, but it beat nothing!
Jan from http://www.unique-baby-gear-ideas.com/
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jason 5-23-2008 @ 2:24PM
Our one year old daughter had a diaper full of blue poo. I've had a hard time changing the really stinky diapers since she was born so my wife gracious does the duty. The unnatural bright blue and smell made my wife gag so hard she nearly throw up, which is something she's not known for. She realized pretty quickly that our daughter must have eaten a piece of our four year old's blue chalk. Thank heavens the box said non-toxic.
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Alisha 5-23-2008 @ 2:25PM
I had to do the same thing to my son a few weeks after he was born. I called the nurse advice line in his doctors office and told them that he hadn't pooped in over 24 hours. She stayed on the phone with me while I did it, I think because I told her she was insane. About a minute after I did it, he began to poop A LOT. He probably lost a couple of pounds, and although it was an uncomfortable experience for the both of us, we both slept better that night.
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the goddess anna 5-23-2008 @ 2:49PM
I've done the q-tip with vaseline too, but not to a baby - to a two-year old. So don't feel bad. I also agree, the $400 fart had me cracking up.
Ah, poo and poo-related functions. Stories to be cherished and then related to future spouses and friends. : ) Good times.
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Val 5-23-2008 @ 3:38PM
I have, in the past, inserted the thermometer for this exact reason.
My daughter was ALWAYS constipated, so we have used many tricks, like prune juice and water, prunes, and even once an enema. Now that was fun.
As far as parental trauma....I once called 911, who subsequently took us to the hospital, where my son had a full work up only to find out he was having a tantrum....that I had mistaken for a seizure!
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Jen 5-23-2008 @ 5:45PM
The "taking your temperature" trick works equally well with gassy newborns that just can't fart. It is like some sort of release valve.
I remember calling the nurse after my son ate my dogs poop. We were outside and had a small dog. He found a tiny turd and popped it in his mouth and I SCREAMED, he LAUGHED, and as I fished it out of his mouth GAGGED. I called the nurse after I had wiped him up and given him something to drink and she said, "excuse me?" "I said my kid ate dog poo, he's 10 months old, should I bring him in?" She paused and said "No. Just watch him and give him some bread and juice to pass it along faster". Sadly, it didn't seem like the first time she gave out this advice.
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Uly 5-23-2008 @ 7:37PM
As for "taking their temperature", I know a woman who once really did have to take her son's temperature rectally. Buuuuut - she didn't want to just shove it in there. So, on the advice of the doctor, she used some personal lubricant.
And the temperature came in at something like 104 F! She was freaking out! He wasn't acting that sick, and he didn't feel that warm, but - the thermometer! Just before she runs to the doctor she glances at the lube....
Guess warming lubricant really does what it's supposed to do, huh.
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Cathy 5-23-2008 @ 9:39PM
I was going to tell the story of my husband calling 911 after he accidentally knocked the umbilical cord off and the baby had two teeny drops of blood come from her raw belly button, but your poop stories are much funnier.
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Lisa 5-24-2008 @ 12:02PM
Oh, god. My story is a horrific version of yours, Linda. I had the same problem with my first daughter, tried the same thing... on a towel. On my white couch.
Apparently q-tips can induce a phenomenon I've dubbed "projectile pooping."
'Nuff said.
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misguided mommy 5-24-2008 @ 1:22PM
I actually called my nurse when this happened to my son. Her suggestion was just to use the thermometer with some Vaseline. I did, and...very similar toothpaste effect!
How about the time my son had some really bad breath. So I called the nurse and she said he probably had something up his nose. Her advice was to plug one side of the nose, and blow in his mouth then repeat plugging the other side. NIIIICE. It worked though. I told Amalah about that a long time ago and she actually had to do that once when Noah had something up his nose.
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Joanne 5-24-2008 @ 7:10PM
I think it's funny that you said "hindsight" near your story about the qtip and the butt!
I never really had a freakout with my son, my first, but he was like the healthiest person ever so that's why. But I will never forget my husband holding our newborn baby and looking in the mirror at himself. He kept checking himself out in the mirror and I finally said 'what are you doing?' He said, sheepishly, "I keep thinking I'm holding him too tight and I'm checking to see if his leg is turning blue". Ha! As if that would be the only sign! It was so super cute and I think about it to this day when I am mad at him, because it makes me like him again.
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Niki P. 5-26-2008 @ 9:49AM
Yeah, my horror has to do with pooping too. My son had gone about 5 days and I put a dab of Kayro (sp) syrup in his bottle. It did the trick in about 2 hours. He was in my father in law's lap at the time at a 4th of July picnic. Needless to say my father in law needed new pants and a shirt and a shower. The baby was smiling. We were laughing. Good times!
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Allison 5-27-2008 @ 2:28PM
I had a similar situation, only I didn't use a q-tip, a q-tip probably would have been a GOOD IDEA! Upon the suggestion from my sister-in-law, a pediatric nurse, I used my finger. Did the trick, but using a q-tip would have been a lot more pleasant, at least for me!
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