Quality time or not?
Categories: Just for moms, Fun & activities, Mommy wars
I usually love to play with my 3 year old. I love taking walks that slow to the pace of a snail so that he collect a pocket full of pebbles or jump in puddles. I love listening to his stories and hearing him giggle when he catches a ball.
But there are also days when I don't love it quite so much. Days where I've worked long hours and come home exhausted. Days where all I want are twenty uninterrupted minutes to check my email and get caught up on my favorite blogs. Days where the minute he sees me settling down with my lap top he starts to whine. "Play with me mommy! When are you going to play with me?"
"In a minute," I say, trying desperately to stretch that minute to five. "Go see how tall you can build a tower with your blocks."
But the guilt that creeps up then is made only worse by the fact that like so many others, I am a full time working mom, and my time with my son (who spends his days with my in laws) is curtailed during the week to an hour in the morning and a few at night. Because I work, feel like when I'm home I should always be engaged, involved, hands-on, actively seeking out learning with my little boy.
And the expectation for parents to spend more quality time with their kids is pervasive. According Elizabeth Cooksy, a sociology professor at Ohio State University, "Parents are feeling peer pressure to spend more time with their kids, and guilt when they do not,"
"We've really moved into this cultural expectation that this is what good parents do," Cooksey said. "It's more a cultural consensus, that if we are going to be parents, we are going to have to put time into it."
And 2006 study found that both single and married parents are spending more time with their kids. Which means that in spite of the fact that there aren't miraculously more hours in the day, working moms are spending at least as much quality time with their kids now as mothers did forty years ago. (Incidentally, this also means working moms are insanely busy. All the time.)
But really is all that hands-on playtime a good thing? Maybe at the end of the day everyone is better off when mom (or dad) insists on some downtime and kids are left to their own devices for a while. Perhaps I'm actually encouraging creativity and self-reliance when I tell him to bug-off and go build with blocks? One thing I know for sure: when I've had some downtime, I'm that much more likely to fully engage him in his request to "pretend we're baby sharks!"
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Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)
Jenni 5-26-2008 @ 12:20PM
You are right, children do need time to play on their own. They don't need to be constantly entertained and need some "bored" time where they can figure out what to do to entertain themselves.
However, what to do when you walk in the door and, after a long day, they just want to be with you: hug, kiss, talk, talk, and talk! They missed you all day and want to share with you. You had a tough day and just want to have some wind-down time. Solution? Maybe on those days you could call the in-laws and ask for just 20 more minutes where you could park your car somewhere and just take a walk, or just sit and unwind, or anything. That way when the child come running you are ready and already wound down.
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Amy 5-26-2008 @ 2:02PM
"We've really moved into this cultural expectation that this is what good parents do," Cooksey said. "It's more a cultural consensus, that if we are going to be parents, we are going to have to put time into it."
Are you kidding me? This is news? Um, yeah, you're going to have to put time into being a parent. Otherwise, what? You just put them on ice and take them out when you want to play or they match your shoes? Sheesh.
Amy @ http://prettybabies.blogspot.com
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Jamie 5-26-2008 @ 10:32PM
This reminds me of one of my all time favorite book subtitles written by one of my all time favorite writers Andi Buchanan:
Mother Shock: Loving Every (Other) Minute of It
--Jamie
http://www.travelsavvymom.com
Maureen 5-26-2008 @ 11:41PM
Yes, they need to spend lots of time "on their own". I learned this the hard way. My first had my undivided attention for a couple of years. I worked part time and the rest of the time I devoted to him. We played all the time and I really did enjoy it. When my second came along, I never got to do that with her. Guess which kid is happier and content to play near me when I am working? Number 2, of course. My oldest still has a hard time entertaining himself and I feel loads of guilt. Not because I don't spend every free minute with him, but guilt because I played a big part in creating this wonderful little boy who is extremely needy. We are slowly getting to a place where he can use his imagination to be on his own for a bit, but after a few minutes the call comes, "Mom, will you play with me?". If I had known then what I know now....
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queenoqueens 5-27-2008 @ 12:59AM
With my first, I gave lots of one-on-one time and attention because I could. But something I read changed my perspective on this-----"give your kids the gift of boredom". If you never leave a child alone, how will they ever figure out how to entertain themselves?
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Danielle 5-27-2008 @ 2:12AM
Usually i don't like seeing mothers working full time, I believe a child needs a parent at home. However seeing that the In-laws are the care givers I think that if fantastic. great bonding time for the grandparents and you know your child is safe with family. Good on you!
www.sevendaymother.com
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Judy 5-27-2008 @ 12:21PM
I am a SAHM with sons, ages 2 and 4, home with me. I am here and "available" all day, every day, but they spend loads of time playing on their own. They are very creative and have no trouble entertaining themselves. We also don't own a TV and they only get videos a few times a week on the tiny DVD player (which is usually when I need the down time LOL).
I think the overstructured and constant "activities" are not good for children. Some structure and planning, yes, but kids need to be able to build with blocks, glance through a book, make a ruler into a bridge for their trains, or whatever they do.
Historically, I doubt moms were reallly spending tons of time playing with their kids, and I don't think the human race has suffered for it. This is not to say I don't think you should play with your kids, but I don't think it should be constant. My boys help me cook, help me in the garden, we play when they take their baths, we read stories, we take walks. They can play with their toys on their own and let me sweep the floor or comment on Parent Dish!
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Barry Summerlin 7-16-2008 @ 11:16AM
Please ignore, just trying to isolate a comment issue.
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Barry Summerlin 7-16-2008 @ 11:17AM
Ignore, just trying to isolate a comments issue.
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Denise 7-27-2008 @ 5:50PM
Maybe I'm just a crappy Mom, but there are times when I just want to be left alone for an hour or so. I work part-time and attend school full-time right now, so I get tired after being pulled in so many directions all day, every day.
I remember as a child going outside to play all day and finding ways to entertain myself without a TV, video game or a parent to constantly entertain me and I turned out OK.
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