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Maternal evidence
Filed under: Babies, Toddlers Preschoolers
The other day when I was at the gym I realized that the cloth I had tossed in my bag to use as a sweat-absorber was a burp rag. I mean, a clean one, but still. It was one of those hankie-sized cloths that come ten to a pack from Babies R Us, and it was festooned with cartoon whales. As it turns out, dabbing daintily at your forehead with an aquatic-themed washcloth is a fantastically efficient method of deflating any sense of bad-assedness you might have worked up during your kickboxing class.
Thanks to my own disorganization and regrettable tendency towards sloppiness, the children's accoutrements have pretty much infiltrated my entire life. The backseat of my car contains enough cracker crumbs to feed a family of ducks for a month, I've had an old baby bathtub in my trunk for weeks (Goodwill doesn't take such items, it turns out), every pocket of every pair of pants I own has at least one tissue squirreled away in its depths from the constant vigilance a toddler snout requires, and a few days ago I pulled a pen from my purse which had a Soothie pacifier firmly stuck to its nib.
The most embarrassing, though, was the time I dug out my wallet at a grocery store and accidentally yanked a Ziploc'd diaper from the bottom of my oversized purse. A wet, used diaper. Which I had sealed in a plastic bag with the intention of throwing it away as soon as I could find a garbage can, except I never did. And it had created its own . . . weather system inside the bag, coating the inside with little rainforesty moisture droplets. This repulsive item somehow hitched a ride on the corner of my wallet and made its humiliating debut right in front of an entire line of customers at the store before I managed to wrestle it back out of sight. I suppose that technically there are worse things that could have erupted from my purse, but aside from a tampon which has escaped its wrapping and comes peeping out like a tufted, dingy white cotton mouse, string dangling gaily over the side, its side stamped with the soul-shriveling text SUPER ABSORBENCY, I'm not entirely sure what they might be.
Tell me I'm not alone with the kid-stuff-everywhere issue. Okay, fine, so you don't carry used diapers in your purse (aren't YOU fancy), but surely I'm not the only one who has a baby sock in their coin pocket? That's normal, right?
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ReaderComments (Page 1 of 1)
5-28-2008 @ 2:27PM
missyanne said...What about the bib covered in spit up that you rolled up and put in your purse (which is now a diaper bag) that you had every intention of putting right in the washer when you got home, but forgot about and when you finally got it out it was covered mildew. I've done that 3 times now. My pockets which used to have like a compact and cell phone in them, now contain used binkies and spit up kleenexes. I love it!
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5-28-2008 @ 2:36PM
Cara said...My purse is small enough that all that fits in it is my makeup bag & wallet and maybe some pens at the bottom. My diaperbag, however, is ginormous (it's the Fleurville Mothership). I have indeed found used diapers in there as well as sippy cups half full of curdled milk. Let me just say that it's already hit 100 degrees here in Austin and finding these little surprises in my diaper bag after it's been sitting in the car all day is no picnic!
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5-28-2008 @ 2:58PM
Merideth said...Ha, that almost made me spew my tea on the monitor. I think I've got you beat though, we were at my daughter's dance recital rehearsal last weekend and all of the sudden my son scream "hey Mom, swing batter batter SWING" he was "swinging" an unwrapped (unused) tampon for everyone to see. He thought it was a mini baseball bat. Lucky for me they were all moms and the understood.
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5-28-2008 @ 4:40PM
aprilkelm said...Sometime before spring break, my daughter came home from MDO with no bloomers. The daily sheet said that she had a poop, so I figured that the bloomers got poopy. I asked about them several times but they never turned up.
Well, the last day of school was last week and my husband picked her up. That night, going through the bag, there they were, still poopy from March. That school.
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5-28-2008 @ 5:45PM
nonsoccermom said...HA! aprilkelm's comment made me remember that something similar happened at my son's daycare too! I was digging through his backpack and found poopy underwear that had likely been there for MONTHS. GROSS.
Also, Linda, I was laughing out loud about your diaper weather system. Too funny.
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5-28-2008 @ 6:01PM
mamacheryl said...I have a matchbox car, two kinds of pacifiers, a pair of poo-smeared baby socks and three packs of gum for the days when I forget to brush my teeth in the morning.
Cheryl
http://redpens-diapers.blogspot.com
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5-29-2008 @ 12:41AM
honeybecke said...oh man, i snickered at the weather system comment..SO FUNNY!!! i know just what you mean though, i've done that too. gross out.
i've got baby socks in every coat pocket and extra wipees ziplocked in every purse and little cars everywhere.
ok, so the whole tampon thing DID happen to me and it was a huge mondo one (did anyone else know that OB makes an ULTRA SUPER ABSORBANCY size??...they do, it's in the purple box.) and my son had at some point unwrapped it and then stuck it back in my bag and it came swinging out on my pen in the check out line.
i died, right there.
oy!
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5-29-2008 @ 10:15AM
Allstarme79 said...I totally had a baby sock in the pocket of a pair of pants I apparently hadn't worn since March. I went to see if I had any coins in there and out it came. The cashier looked at me like I was nuts.
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5-29-2008 @ 11:12AM
kim said...Oh yeah! The curdled milk sippy leaking for 3 days in my $1200 purse, the breast pads raining out of my wallet at Sam's club (how did that even get IN there??) and no room for anything remotely girly since i have 2 helicopters, 1 motorcycle, an airplane, magnadoodle and a snack cup of bunny grams (and bunny crumb sediment all along the bottom, made mud when afore mentioned sippy leaked) for my oldest in my bag . How is it a tote isn't a big enough bag for 2 kids? I refuse to carry 2 bags!!!
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5-29-2008 @ 1:26PM
mj12 said...Linda you ALWAYS make me laugh. But more importantly you make me feel normal....thanks for the regular sanity checks!!!!
I have a pair of dirty socks in my purse at the moment and surprisingly enough that's all. And the only kid related items in my car right now are car seats! Amazing yes....well not really since I just picked up my "new-to-me" car 5 days ago and last weekend I also got the urge to switch purses! I feel so together right now....we'll see how long this lasts! HA
As for embarrassing moments, a few weekends ago the kids were playing in the backyard at their little water table when our company showed up at the door for a BBQ. We all made our way onto the back deck to see my eldest using a douche to "shower" her doll....MORTIFIED!!! I think I just turned a deep red just recalling that moment.
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5-29-2008 @ 4:58PM
Leslie said...Oh do I have the ulitmate in gross maternal evidence. The other day after running errands to the bank, the market, and Target I arrived home where my husband took one look at me and asked "what the hell is THAT on your shirt?" and pointed to my collar. Turns out I had walked around most of the day with a giant, crusty green booger plastered to my shirt - and I thought people were staring because they liked my shirt! Needless to say that I can't wait until I'm no longer a human napkin!
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5-30-2008 @ 3:22PM
Lisa said...I once had my purse stolen. When my husband and I went to retrieve it from the police station, the police woman said, "I don't think they stole much cause who could find anything here!" The thief took the cash, but left credit cards, a pacifier, Lion King coozie ball, and other kid type things that had been stuffed in. It was so embarassing. So...been there, done that and survived! Don't feel bad.
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5-30-2008 @ 7:59PM
Inzaburbs said...Baby sock? I used to carry my cellphone in a baby sock, so it wouldn't get scratched up by all the Thomas trains rattling around with it. Then I started to notice the strange looks every time I fumbled for the ringing phone...
Surprisingly no other embarrassing stories involving my bag. However I once opened my car door in the preschool car park, only for a McDonalds wrapper to fall out and go flying across the road.
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5-30-2008 @ 8:09PM
Kathryn said...My dad did the grocery shopping in our family, and he always shopped at one of those "bring your own bag" types of places. He was mortified one week when he reached into one of the bags and pulled out a pair of little girl's underpants (my youngest sister's). The bags were always stored in the basement, which was where our laundry room was, so they must have somehow gotten swooped up into the bags...He felt like the town pervert when he whipped them out.
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6-02-2008 @ 1:01PM
Jenin said...I have totally pulled out a used diaper in a ziplock loooong after it should have been thrown away. Ugh.. YUCK. In addition to that (coincidentally) I have also been marveling at how much BABY CRAP has infiltrated our home as well. It wasn't that bad when my son was a newborn but now there is baby toys/clothes/rags/diapers/ointment/contraptions EVERYWHERE.
EVERYWHERE.
So, no. It happens to us all, sooner or later. dangit.
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6-02-2008 @ 5:58PM
Amy N said...ohmyholyhell! I am still cracking up....and please, you are so not alone. I have found the used diapers or better yet, the poopy undies from the older one who then announces that he's "going commando 'cuz he had a accident". I also have an army of transformers, etc., hiding in my purse. Gotta love being a mom!
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6-02-2008 @ 7:52PM
C said...Oh, thank the heavens that I am not the only one! Old milk sippy cups are the worst to find...especially in front of guest getting into your car. However, my most embarrassing mis-hap so far has been my 16 month old son (who has a thing for sorting laundry) apparently "sorted" my day old thong panties into my purse. Try checking out at the store with a thong hanging off of your wallet!
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6-04-2008 @ 5:32PM
Staci said...My sister was at a department store (Mervyn's) a few years ago... she was ready to check out and she put her purse up onto the check out counter. While she was pulling her wallet out the purse tipped over and a whole bunch of ants ran out onto the check out counter. (She was having a bad ant problem at her house and apparently the ants had even taken up residence in her purse.)
To this day I can't think about it without laughing.
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