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Could an affair save your marriage?
Categories: Just For Moms, Just For Dads, Love & Sex
Mira Kirshenbaum is an experienced marriage therapist who has written a book in which she explores the positive side of cheating. She's not talking about fudging the numbers on your golf score, but rather the sneaking-around -behind-your-significant-other's-back kind of cheating. In her book, When Good People Have Affairs, Kirshenbaum insists that most philanderers are good people who just need love and that having the "right kind" of affair can "jolt people from their inertia." "You could think of it as a radical but necessary medical procedure. If your marriage is in cardiac arrest, an affair can be a defibrillator," she says.
Okay, so your marriage is in its death throes and in order to save it, you go out and get busy with a stranger. That's all fine and dandy according to Kirshenbaum. But whatever you do, do NOT tell your partner that you've strayed. Even if asked directly, you should lie like a dog. "This is the one area in which the truth usually creates far more damage in the long run," she said. "If you care that much about honesty, figure out who you want to be with, commit to that relationship and devote the rest of your life to making it the most honest relationship you can."
Kirshenbaum's point of view might be a bit drastic for some, but at the heart of her arguments are an underlying truth: affairs happen. If I really try, I can get my head around how an affair might revive a dying marriage. What I can't get comfortable with is idea of lying about it. What about you? Would you want to know if your partner cheated? Would you tell if you did?
Okay, so your marriage is in its death throes and in order to save it, you go out and get busy with a stranger. That's all fine and dandy according to Kirshenbaum. But whatever you do, do NOT tell your partner that you've strayed. Even if asked directly, you should lie like a dog. "This is the one area in which the truth usually creates far more damage in the long run," she said. "If you care that much about honesty, figure out who you want to be with, commit to that relationship and devote the rest of your life to making it the most honest relationship you can."
Kirshenbaum's point of view might be a bit drastic for some, but at the heart of her arguments are an underlying truth: affairs happen. If I really try, I can get my head around how an affair might revive a dying marriage. What I can't get comfortable with is idea of lying about it. What about you? Would you want to know if your partner cheated? Would you tell if you did?
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Reader Comments (Page 1 of 2)
CLM 6-09-2008 @ 5:32PM
Unacceptable. The non-straying partner must be told. He/she is at risk for HIV and other STDs. Someone who would break marriage vows and run around on his/her partner is not likely to be reliable in the safe sex department.
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Ashankrown 7-31-2008 @ 10:39AM
Is this author truly serious or losing touch with reality. Truth and trust define a good relationship, Its obvious she has never been the one cheated on.
try2doitall 6-09-2008 @ 5:44PM
As the half of a failed marraige who was faithful thru two affairs I could prove and countless others I could only suspect, speculate, and divorce him over. I fail to see how infedelity has anything to do with salvaging a relationship. As a rose by anyother name is still a rose; a lie is a lie is a lie.
Society has thought so much of the sactity and fedelity of matrimony that the very foundation for the concept is written in the commandments that appear in almost every "bible" for almost every religion in the world.
Trust is the basis of relationships and by definition begins with truth. I am sure the fervor over the bizzarre notion will sell this person many, many books, however in the end, you reap what you sow, the past will catch up with you, and alimony can be very expensive indeed.
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Michelle 6-11-2008 @ 9:45AM
I agree! I suffered thru 1 long term affair and countless other affairs and in the end, yes we are together, but only because I chose to stay for the kids. He did come clean, but I never will trust him again cause once they cheat and lie they will always cheat and lie. My daughter is starting University this fall, and to be quite honest I am done with this sh** thru agonizing on who he's with and when he will be home. I NEVER CHEATED, couldn't bring myself to do this to another human being and wish I had walked out when I found out the first time. If you don't have trust, you don't have a life let alone a marriage. To this day I still cant understand how a person who is supposed to love you could not be overwrought with guilt when he/she cheats. I could never, and never will cheat!
roxy 6-11-2008 @ 1:19PM
Thank u try2doitall I really think you said it all. And that is all to be said.
Jenni 6-09-2008 @ 6:07PM
"If I really try, I can get my head around how an affair might revive a dying marriage" in no way could I get my head around this. There's no way. A marriage is built upon trust, you breach that trust in any way and you are in huge trouble! I breached trust with my husband (and not at all in a affair sort of way but in a financial way) and the only thought in my head was "I have ruined my marriage. How is he ever going to trust me again?"
I still have to proove to him everyday that I am working as a team with him; I think the only thing that saved us is that 90% of this issue came from my ignorance and that we are hugely religious and just won't look down that road and that I have willingly become an open book to him in every way...he deserves so much more than even that.
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Sandyone 6-09-2008 @ 10:56PM
Hey, Jenni, mebbe you should try having an affair. That'll make the financial problems seem like chump change!
Not.
It is refreshing to see your problem...you messed up, came clean and now see the toll on your marriage....and you're willing to do the work to repair the damage!!!!. You and your husband get two thumbs up from me!! I see light at the end of your tunnel. Thank you for sharing your story.
eugene 6-09-2008 @ 11:14PM
experienced marriage therapist huh?
I'm reminded of a quote from fight club... sticking feathers up your butt does not make you a chicken.
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Carolyn 6-10-2008 @ 1:22AM
So, is this a one-time fix, or is it okay just to go sleep with random strangers every time we get angry or frustrated or just plain bored?
I would guess that affairs devastate marriages a lot more often than they save them. But right, I forgot, we're supposed to cheat and then lie about it. Awesome advice.
I agree with the previous commenter about the importance of trust and honestly. It's kind of scary that a marriage counsellor would show such little regard for that essential foundation of marriage and committed relationships.
Carolyn
http://www.momsontheedge.ca
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Deedee 6-10-2008 @ 7:37AM
That´s what I did.I had an affair and afterwards I had the energy to be willing to turn the marriage into a better one.
when my husband asked, I lyed about it.
So far the theory is good.But my husband turned out very cruel, when he heard about long after it was over. The marriage was goog, very good at this time. If he hadn´t found out I could say the theory is right. Unfortunatly he became cruel and I have to recover from one week of unimaginable violance, I had never thought my husband woulde be capable of, and now I have to file for divorce.
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Adele 6-11-2008 @ 9:06AM
well....thats what you get for being unfaithful. You say vows....if you can't live by them, then you shouldn't be married. You picked your partner for life and made a commitment...a promise!! You made your bed, now lay in it. No sympathy here!
Julia 6-11-2008 @ 11:21AM
Adele: No one deserves to be beaten up or have violence inflicted on them, NO MATTER the cause. It's a bit ridiculous and honestly quite disturbing that you think this way. It's no different from those who think if you wear "revealing" clothes, you deserve to be raped. If you make a mistake, no matter how huge, you DON'T deserve violence. Reminds me of that "joke": what do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothing you haven't told her twice.
Jess 6-10-2008 @ 8:30AM
Annnnnd. No. Sorry. Actually, I take that back. Not sorry. My mother used this lame ass excuse for cheating on my father. What starts out as just sex turns into something more. And then you're not just lying to your spouse but your whole family. And when it finally comes out (and believe me it will) EVERYONE will have trust issues for years. If this is what you need to keep your marriage together (sneaking, cheating, and lying) just divorce already.
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ikate 6-10-2008 @ 10:53AM
What I don't undersand is all this pressure to "save a marriage". If one or both partners are unhappy, the owe it to each other and themselves to be honest and seperate or divorce. Divorce is NOT a bad word and in many cases is the best choice. But, there is so much pressure to "save the marriage" that many, many people end up being dishonest with their partner and worse - dishonest with themselves. Honestly, I think I would be more offended by the lying than the affair.
If it gets to a point where one of the partners is looking elsewhere for that love and affection, the marriage is already broken - so remove the marriage and let both parties heal.
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annie 6-11-2008 @ 3:24PM
i agree. but when one is cheating and the other suspects but can't prove, they have no choice if they believe in their vows for better or worse. the one who wants to be with someone else owes it to their partner to be honest and let them move on and have some closure.an amicable solution is more likely this way than by lying constantly and putting the faithful spouse through agony. when they get the proof, there will be h*** to pay you can be sure. not only did they violate vows, and trust, but dis-respected their partner as well. that's gotta hurt more, the disrepect.
Lauren 6-10-2008 @ 4:00PM
When my dad was in one of his past drunken stupors he left his e-mail open and I found hoards of e-mails he wrote to all these different girls on dating sites about his life. According to these e-mails, he was either:
-divorced
-separated
-childless
-his children lived with their mother in Florida
None of these were true, but a few years later my mom moved to Florida with me and my sister! I moved back, but I will never forget the lies...the lies that he believed because he told them so much.
I am 21 years old...with a fear of marriage because 99% of my family have been divorced. I have been cheated on by boyfriends, some with my best friends...and none of them had the audacity to tell me except for one of the girls 6 months later. Why would I even want to risk the thought of being betrayed like that after I decided a man was worthy enough to spend my life with.
Until I met my current boyfriend, who doesn't believe in infidelity (he has been cheated on before, which is probably why), doesn't want children until he is married and wants to be married for life. Qualities like that are admirable, and made me change my mind.
Now, this woman needs to shut up because she is basically telling people to be immoral. So, a person cheats on their spouse...then they feel guilty and their entire future is spent making up for that guilt by building honesty and trust on a foundation of infidelity.
Wow, we really teach the world honesty.
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MICHAEL 6-11-2008 @ 8:28AM
SORRY FOLKS......THIS IS A STUPID QUESTION TO EVEN BE PUT ON AND TO GET A RESPONSE FROM......YOU NEVER CHEAT OR YOU BREAK THE TRUST....AS FOR ME,MARRIAGE OVER IF IT HAPPENS....PERIOD....A MAN AND WOMAN WORK TOGETHER EVERYDAY TO HAVE SOMETHING THAT THEY WANT TOGETHER LIKE A NEW HOUSE,ETC AND TO PLEASE EACH OTHER AND REMEMBER THOSE LITTLE THINGS THAT MAKE THEM LOVE EACH OTHER SO MUCH TO WANT TO BE MARRIED....THE PEOPLE OF PARENTDISH OR AOL LIVING ARE STARTING MORE STUPID CONTREVERSY BY EVEN ASKING THE QUESTION THAT INFIDELITY SAVES MARRIAGES BECAUSE THEY WANT THERAPISTS TO JUST JUSTIFY THEIR SORRINESS BY HAVING WEAK MINDED AND LAZY AFFAIRS....TOO MANY PEOPLE TAKE THE EASY OUT THESE DAYS AND SIMPLY DON'T WANT TO WORK THINGS OUT BEFORE IT GOES TOP FAR OR IS SIMPLY OVER BY RUNNING OFF WITH SOMEONE ELSE ON THE SIDE. JUST REDICULOUS.....DON'T CHEAT....IT'S NOT WORTH IT IN THE END EITHER FOR YOU OR YOUR SPOUSE OR THE KIDS ENVOLVED. HAVE A NICE DAY.
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dummywatcher 6-11-2008 @ 8:52AM
I think that before you go on a tirade about ANY subject, either for or against, you should do a spell check, because any credibility goes out the window if you CAN'T SPELL CORRECTLY. (envolved? violance? rediculous? infedelity?) OMG.
Just my opinion though. Sheesh.
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joan 6-11-2008 @ 9:32AM
I adore my husband and he adores me. We have the perfect marriage, except for one thing. If I get sex twice a year from him, I'm lucky. He's not gay, or ill, or having an affair and claims to be very attracted to me. After 7 1/2 years of this, and multiple discussions about how I wanted to figure out what the problem was, nothing changed. Even when I told him that I couldn't (wouldn't) live like this for the rest of my life, and gave him a year to put me on his calendar for sex only once a month, nothing changed. I told him that if after that year nothing changed, I would stay married to him, but I would take a lover. I can't imagine divorcing my husband, which would devastate him, and I won't be without sex. Judge if you must.
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Cass 6-11-2008 @ 4:57PM
Honestly I have the same problem with m husband, I love him and I know he loves me and for the most part we get along really well but the sex is really an issue a very big one. I even told him I was thinking about it and he pretty much said if he didn't know and it would shut me up ok. He tried later to say he didn't mean it but honestly I think he did and just doesnt want to look like and unloving husband.