Could an affair save your marriage?

The therapist missed the practical problem with her suggestion. Many people who have affairs get caught. I believe getting caught tends to end the marriage.

Reply

To encourage people to lie to their spouses is dispicable. However, I am a testimony to the fact that a marriage can survive an affair. Trust is hard to restore, once betrayed, but it can be restored if people will learn to be loving and forgiving. Do I encourage people to stay in a marriage in which one person continually cheats? NO absolutely not. But people are people and we're all human and we all screw up and do stupid things. And we ALL deserve a second chance, an opportunity to make things right and right the wrongs we've done.
And to all those who say you will NEVER EVER cheat, you're lying to yourself. Anyone, given the right circumstances, can cheat. Absolutely anyone. You can say whatever you like about me and that statement - it's not going to phase me at all. I still stand by it.

Reply

I must say that I am someone who believes in monagomy and trust and the whole love story in general, however, marriage is hard and painful and wonderful and rewarding, I am madly in love with my husband and have been faithful, and so has he. But I am human. Having said that am able to put my emotions aside and look at this logically. Lets all be honest here and remember fidelity goes against human nature. Things happen in a marriage, people hurt each other infidelity is not the worst thing to happen. People make mistakes. I am not talking about the serial cheater someone who is incapable of keeping it in their pants. I am talking about regular people. Let us remember not to judge or make assumptions. Love who you love, and try to have understanding patience and forgiveness.

Reply

Personally, I don’t think anyone condones affairs; because it can, in fact, destroy a marriage. However, I know of many women living in loveless (even cruel) marriages, or in situations where the husband and wife are more like two roommates. There are also people who stay in marriages for the sake of their children’s stability. Does is make having an affair right? -- No, it doesn’t, but humans have biological, emotional, psychological needs, and at times are driven to extreme decisions if those needs go unmet for extended periods of times.

Reply

ALL THIS IS BS! CHEATING IS CHEATING. I DONT THINK THEY ARE GOING TO CHANGE. GETTING BACK WITH THEM AND TRYING IT OUT AGAIN AND THEY GO BACK TO CHEATING WITH THE SAME PERSON. NOW THAT IS A LOT OF BS, AND THEY SAY, ITS NOT WHAT YOU THINK IT IS. B***S***. JUST LET GO. AND MOVE ON.

Reply

I feel like this issue can go both ways. I'll use myself as an example. I have cheated, and been cheated on. I've been in a relationship where I cheated because I was cheated on, or in some cases I just let it happen because I didn't really feel cared about at home. And I have to admit, I cheated mainly so he would see what it felt like to be cheated on, and I was also hoping that I wouldn't feel so bad after he cheated on me. I was wrong. I didn't feel better about what I did at all, and it didn't make him realize anything. Cheating is just pointless. I mean yeah if you don't want the other person to get hurt then don't tell them...but if they are asking you directly, you owe it to them to let them know what happened.And if they want to break up with you after that, then thats just your loss because you committed the act knowing that it would only hurt the other person.

On the other hand, in small accordance with what the writer is trying to say, sometimes cheating makes you realize how much you really DO want to be with your mate.Maybe you just weren't sure anymore...and had an affair and realized that no one else can compare to your mate. You realize, and never do it again.

But the bottom line, I think, is that if you are going to have affairs, then don't waste the other persons time and life just because you are ignorant. If you are going to be cheating, then you don't need to be with anyone. I don't really feel like any good out of cheating. Its decieving, manipulative, and really brings out the worst in you; and shows what kind of person you really are.

Reply

Cheating saving a marriage I DON'T THINK SO! I would never stay with my husband if he were to cheat. Marriage is about being with that ONE person that you love. I am the wife I will not share my husband with anyone. If my husband was not happy with our marriage I would have more respect for him if he would just tell me and we could end our marriage opposed to stepping outside of our marriage behind my back.

Reply

See this is why I don't think I'll ever get married. I don't think it's right to cheat and I sure as hell don't think if it happens you should lie about it. But if two people get married and then figure out that they aren't meant for eachother they should definately be able to go explore their options. Whether this means divorce or seperation, either way. How can you promise and guarantee that you'll feel the same way about one person for the rest of your life, or that you wont fall in love with someone else some time down the road? You can't. Marital vows are just kind of ridiculously overexpectant of us as human beings. It's in our nature to make mistakes and mess up.

Reply

This advice is dispicable. I have been cheated on by my girlfriend and it was the most devastating thing I have ever been through. We are still together as I believe that people deserve second chances but I have not been able to forgive her much less forget what she did. I still have my regrets about giving her a second chance and after having moved in together and sharing everything, the doubts and lack of trust have cause many problems.

The reason she cheated was because she wanted to know if she was really in love with me. WHAT A STUPID REASON!!! All that it has done has bring ruin to what used to be an amazing relationship. Im still with her because I want things to work and I dont want our time to go to waste but its becoming harder and harder day by day. So dont tell me that affairs can save anything because all they cause are deep wounds that will never heal.

Reply

just another reason for the break down of the family in america
guess it didnt happen to you and you didnt feel the pain like no other pain on earth not to mention our children
this is a very uncaring person who would write something like this
i wouldnt wish it on my worst enemy

Reply

I have some personal experience in this department, and I can say that it is possible that an affair may have saved my marriage.
We've been married 7 years and have 2 young children and my husband has never been the most faithful, and really neither have I, but now our marriage is the strongest it has ever been.
He got caught, I didn't. I have some guilt about not being completely honest with him, but he knows enough.
When I found out about the affair, that and a couple of other factors prompted me to tell him to leave. He did, and he went to her.
A month later he comes back and I knew that he really did want to be with me and remain married.
Two days after he returned she told him she was pregnant. He kept that secret from me for 5 miserable months.
The guilt ate him alive. He was unable to really make good on his promises to improve in the relationship department because he was convinced that it was all a matter of time.
When he finally did tell me, I had a bit of a breakdown, and kicked him out again. He went back to her.
We both missed eachother tremendously and eventially I told him to come home.
It has been a very hard time in our lives. The birth of my "stepson," facing our families, getting over the trust issues, but I can say at this point, it has all been worth it.
We both feel that our relationship has been tested by fire and we've come out the other side still in love.

Reply

Cheating is about the person, not the relationship itself, not entirely at least. Some people are in relationships where they can deal with the distractions in this world because both people satisfy their mate to the point they do not need anything else. (Even though it does not mean they do not desire others) Other people are built the way we were intended to be built, which is like any other animal- women are supposed to have children, men are supposed to make them with many partners for the sake of our species (which I think we have done almost too well - stop making more people!! lol).

I definitely think the therapist needs a therapist if she thinks cheating will fix anything other than satisfying the person in the way their mate can't (sexually). What she should have said is that marriage is a tradition that people do because it's what everyone else does. And that if the person can't commit to one person, they should not get married.

Also I think people are not prepared. Men need sex, women need love. Only a man who can sweep a woman off her feet (every day) and an attractive (to their mate) woman who sexually satisfies a man (constantly), can maintain a relationship these days for their lives, or so it seems to me.

Relationship these days to me = find the "one", romantic begining, marriage, mates work and pays for house, car, bills (endless cycle), woman has child to replace man (because children give unconditional love and a woman purpose) woman stops satisying man, man stands alone and sometimes finds other women, then child grows up and does not supply the same "baby unconditional love" and man and woman are left with a dismantled relationship.

I have a guy and he and I have sat down and agreed not to have kids, not to have what I just wrote. To us, no kids means we can grow and hopefully maintain the love and attention with/to one another. I consider myself a pretty attractive girl and him a stud muffin hehe. I want nothing but to give this person no reason for such nonsense. Just have to keep it interesting. We have moved every 2 yrs, do art together, great sex at least 3 times a week and I recommend people to take chances and go live for themselves and feel what it feels like. "If you're going to cheat it, beat it" (don't be in the relationship)

-Lizzette

Reply

For this "experienced marriage therapist" to encourage ppl to CHEAT is totally wrong in my book & what this tells you a/b her "good advice" to cheat to make your marriage better?? Its been my experiece that there are alot of BAD therapists out there & this person smells like one to me. As one who has studied Psychology & sociology myself in college her advice is really awful & can only end up in divorce & alot of very hurt feelings & broken up families. What a/b the children that are hurt by an afair? How is that suppose to help them? Anyone who cheats is selfish & only thinking of themselves & not thinking down the line. When you've said your wedding vows, those vows are for LIFE, not for the moment, or when it suits you. I"ve been thru a stroke that permantly damaged my brain & a car accident that left me permantly damaged too & in constant pain & its things like this that make a marriage be tested & you work just even harder to make it work b/c you LOVE ONE ANOTHER & "RESPECT" one another. Its as simple as that. Its the love & respect for one another that helps BIND a marriage together & the couple work together to keep the marriage going. Marriage is like a car, it needs constant maitenance to keep it going good & strong. Neglect it & its gonna break on you & sometimes the cost of repair is steep emotionally.

Reply

Yes, affairs do happen. But, for a professional to suggest that they help marriages is ridiculous. More of the crap we see to sell books. Find a GOOD marriage councelor who may be able to help you repair your marriage.

Reply

SOME PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE CHEATED ON!!
If you have a husband whom you love, gave two angels "girls" and devoted your life to them and you get NO APPRECIATION at all. What would you do?
I am a firm believer in the unity of marriage and always will be because only when you are faithful you will be able to experience the spiritual and emotional bond between you and your spouse.
But, in some cases; You are faced with a spouse that is shutting you of his life and only comes home to sleep and leave his dishes and clothes behind so you can clean after him even on weekends and holidays!! A husband who thinks every minute with his wife and kids is a waste of time and he is better off making money instead!! A husband who will not take you out on your birthday or get a birthday present for his daughter because "you don't deserve it" A husband who becomes physically and verbally abusive and calls you " stupid bitch" just because you are asking for your basic rights as a wife!!! and last but not least a husband who tells you he simply "hate your voice"

Again throughout all that and for almost three years now I have not cheated on him physically but inside my heart I BLAME and hate myself for getting involved with such a person and recently have started talking to my Ex. boyfriend who lives in another country but planning to visit this summer!!

I sometimes feel like I want him to know that someone else is in my life as my last effort for fixing this marriage and that supports the title of this article "could an affair saves your marriage" If he really cares he will do whatever it takes to save the marriage and if not then that's his loss!!
Deep inside I feel if your spouse truly loved you; you wouldn't be here! you don't need to cheat! in most cases affairs mark the DEATH of a suffering relationship.

I guess we shall see !! :)

I will be happy to share comments and different views regarding the matter...and advice too!!

Reply

WELL THIS IS THE DUMBEST THING I EVER HEARD. WHEN TWO PEOPLE GET MARRIED IT IS WITH THE INTENT THAT THEY WILL REMAIN LOYAL TO EACHOTHER. WHAT IS THE POINT OF MARRIAGE IF THE PERSON DECIDES THAT THEY WANT TO GO FOOL AROUND WITH SOMEONE ELSE. THAT WOULD BE FOR A SINGLE PERSON, NOT FOR A PERSON WHO PROMISED TO LOVE AND BEHOLD. IT IS EASY FOR PEOPLE TO FOOL AROUND RATHER THEN STAYING COMMITTED AND WORK ON THIER PROBLEMS. WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO LOVING SOMEONE AND BEING HAPPY WITH JUST THAT ONE PERSON. IF THE PERSON OR PERSON'S IS NOT HAPPY THEN WHY MAKE A MOCKERY OUT OF MARRIAGE AND REMAIN TOGETHER, WOULDN'T IT BE EASIER FOR ALL INVOLVED NOT TO BE TOGETHER IN A FAKE MARRIAGE. PEOPLE HAVE MADE A MOCKERY OUT OF TRADITIONAL MARRIAGES. EVERYONE WANTS THEIR CAKE AND EAT TO. SOMETHING THAT USE TO BE SOOO BEAUTIFUL HAS BECOME A JOKE. OHHH, ONE MORE THING, THERE ARE MANY DISEASES OUT THERE, DOES THAT PERSON THAT YOUR CHEATING ON DESERVE TO BE INFECTED WITH SOMETHING.

Reply