A SAHM's dirty little secret
Categories: Just for moms, Mommy wars
These days, bringing up the "mommy wars" is as potentially explosive as a faux pas at a Middle East peace negotiation -- except everyone is a lot less diplomatic.
I happened to grow up in a family of political junkies who loved to philosophize and argue at the family dinner table about all the supposedly taboo topics -- politics, religion, the Arab-Israeli conflict. So as a SAHM, the emotional minefield of the so-called "mommy wars" is familiar and fascinating territory and I read just about everything I come across on the subject whether I agree with it or not.
One of the latest releases in this genre is Linda Hirschman's Get to Work...and Get a Life Before It's Too Late. No surprises here. It's standard feminist fare; you know, boomer feminist rails against Ivy educated SAHMs for not taking their rightful positions of power and leadership in politics and commerce, thereby shirking their duty to improve conditions for less fortunate working-class women. With educated women home caring for toddlers instead of working to change the world, who, asks Hirshman, will fight for gender equity? Shame on all you over-educated, ungrateful, Pilates-toned, Starbucks-swilling moms! Now get back to work!
It's harsh stuff, but nonetheless, she may be on to something. When she demands that I "get back to work" I start to feel guilty. Not because I'm not out in the world fighting feminist battles, but because after eight years of being a SAHM, my dirty little secret is that truthfully, I like it! I would rather be home than working for pay anywhere else, even if being home entails mopping the kitchen floor and wearing PJs till noon (I actually love that part).
I'm no slacker -- who can be with five kids under the age of eight? -- but despite the diapers and the dishes, I rather like the autonomy and freedom of being a SAHM because I like being my own boss. My home is my castle and I run this enterprise I love so dearly with little outside interference.
I'm a neat freak, so I clean, but I don't have anyone watching over me to see that I'm doing it right or on time. I have time to read and blog, though I'm occasionally sleep-deprived. If I want to spend an afternoon at the park or a rainy day watching movies with the kids, I can and do. No need to run that by my supervisor. As for cooking, it didn't take long for me to discover that I love it; far from drudgery, it's a passion I get to indulge in daily. And kids, well, I like them too and I'd rather spend the majority of my day with them than anyone else. I won't apologize for that.
My life is not for everyone, but it's the life I choose. Isn't that the point of female advancement? Never mind that I sincerely believe that I AM changing the world -- one child at a time. Look, there are some real perks to being a SAHM that even we SAHMs are afraid to admit to, lest someone accuse us of being lazy, ungrateful, or lacking in ambition for temporarily dropping out of the rat race to raise kids.
I think it's healthier to be honest about the upsides of staying home, and to own them rather than throwing a pity party because we wipe noses and counters unlike those glamorous, professional Sex in the City women. Oh wait, Hirshman has a problem with them too. Come to think of it, maybe she's right to tell those perennially lunching women to "get to work!"
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Reader Comments (Page 1 of 4)
Jennifer 6-10-2008 @ 9:00AM
I so deeply agree with all of this - I'd rather be home raising my kids than anywhere else (except maybe on vacation raising my kids? hehe). It saddens me that a mother has to constantly defend her decision to what seems natural to me. And sadder still that the economy can make it seem so unfeasible to so many families.
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april 6-11-2008 @ 12:51PM
I have been both the stay at home mom (for the first 11 years of my sons life) and since my divorce I started working. I like both aspects of staying home and working. However, I am envious of those who stay home. I feel that we are all women and mothers so lets support those who work either by choice or necessity and those who choose to stay home and raise their own kids.
Jen E 6-11-2008 @ 12:53PM
Oh I definitely agree with you! The whole point is we should have a "choice" and your choice should be respected.
Chere 6-10-2008 @ 10:07AM
I 100% agree with you Rachel. I don't understand why others feel the need to criticize SAHM, like it is a dirty deed. Anyone who has children knows that raising a child is the hardest job around you have a great responsibility that is sometimes daunting but is also the most rewarding experience at least I have ever had. We should applaud SAHMs and we should applaud moms who work. We are all doing the same job and that is raising our children to the best of our ability. Why does there have to be such a division? Wasn't feminism about supporting a woman's choice to choose whatver she decides to do? I work and believe me the minute i am able to find a way to stay home with my daughter i will be handing in my resignation. My happiest moments are spent watching my daughter discover the world around her, it is not spent working 9-5, but that is me, I think women can be happy working and balancing motherhood.
In my opnion it is still important to nurture yourself and fullfill your needs because although being a mother is wonderful it is also equally important for your child to see a happy mother one who enjoys her life and has no resentments. As long as you are doing what is in your heart you can not go wrong. By the way congrats on your beautiful new baby! You are truly inspiring!
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JJ 6-10-2008 @ 10:17AM
I think working moms might criticize SAHMs due to being jealous (even if they swear up and down they're not and they're happy where they are) they just not know it? Does that make sense? I know I was and still am to a degree, but I'm not one to critize anyone as I've done both. I've never understood mommy wars, but then again I'm not an in your face type. I repsect moms every where since both types have it rough!
:)
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mj12 6-10-2008 @ 10:33AM
I agree. Some working mom's may be hard on SAHM's because they are jealous and won't/can't admit it. I on the other hand openingly and freely admit that I am completely and utterly jealous!! What I wouldn't give to be home with my munchkins, but it just doesn't work for our family...yet. I am continually trying to find ways to make it work though. Perhaps one day I will.
jillfrankespo 6-11-2008 @ 12:38PM
I agree. My sisters-in-law and I have this discussion often. It is far easier to work. I work and I agree. The only thing you sacrifice is time to do errands and stuff. Other than that, I need my office time to myself. I give a lot of credit to someone who could stay home full time with 5 kids under 8 (!). I couldn't do it I dont think. Anyway, I am lucky as I have the best of both worlds - I work every day but I work until the kids come home and then I work from home when I can after that.
Kimberly Coleman 6-10-2008 @ 10:46AM
I think that most women (in this age of technology) don't neatly fit into the SAHM or working mom category. Many (like myself) do both. Right now, since my kids are young, I enjoy the privilege of being able to stay at home with them and be the biggest influence on their lives. That's my number one "job". At the same time, I'm grateful for the time I spend working (during their breaks/naps/after they go to bed), because I need that intellectual stimulation. I love primarily being a stay at home mom. It would be great if we as women (or is it the media?) would stop pitting moms against moms. At the end of the day, we all work (some of us just get paychecks for doing so).
Kimberly Coleman/Mom in the City
http://www.mominthecity.com/
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maria 6-10-2008 @ 11:22AM
I feel like I need to represent working outside the home moms who actually like working. The balancing act is crazy and I feel pulled in many different directions - but I like my job, love my family and think I'm a better mom for having the 2 demands rather than 1 very demanding job. I do encounter SAHMs who give me attitude - but I honestly think they'd give me attitude no matter what because that's their personality. Most moms - parents for that matter - that I deal with are positive and helpful and we work together to help each other out. I'm not being Pollyanna - just why focus on the mommy wars rather than the mommy cooperation???? Sometimes I am jealous of SAHMs - but to be honest, most Monday's there's a bit of relief of getting to work and being able to breathe. I still can't wait to go home at night but I do enjoy both.
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becky 6-11-2008 @ 12:49PM
I've read the mommie wars. Am married to a man who has given me nothing but a difficult time for 10 years about my choice to stay home and raise our only child. First few years I worked off and on and dealt with our son's severe Asthma, missed alot of work and was "spoken to" by my superiors. If I quit, I had my husband on me about it and if I worked, I had my manager on me about absenteeism. I finally gave up. It was my choice to stay home and raise my one and only son.. and I've decided I dont' need to continue to defend my choice. We more than make ends meet and by the say who said the MAN in a given relationship can't
deal with some of these issues if both mom/dad work? Unfortunately, the profession my husband is in, if he got a call relative to our son being ill from the school, he could be almost anywhere in California at the time the call came in. Which left me to handle it.. and I did and I am! So I think it's a personal choice
for parents to do what they can do financially and what they feel is best for their child/family.
I dont' regret my choice.
soiosn 6-10-2008 @ 11:36AM
I'd like to encourage all of you to stick to your guns. I am a lot older than most of you (51) but was a SAHM in an age and a social circle (University Profs, Doctors and Lawyers etc...) in which I was a great oddity; I didn't have a Nanny nor did I shuttle my three kids to day care every day. At the time (the early 80's) my friends all said, "I could never stay at home and do NOTHING." Huh. Well fine. I never planned on staying home and, in fact, was totally opposed to the idea, but once I had my first child I realized there was no way I was going to allow anyone else to do the JOB that I had ACCEPTED when I became pregnant. There were times when I doubted my decision BUT ... when I saw the real difference I was making in my kid's and my family's life I knew that regardless of the public perception ... I was making the right decision. Are my kids perfect? No, but they are darn good human beings in all regards and have a deep knowledge that they are loved and valued and were "WORTH IT!!!" We sacrificed financial gain and still survived just fine. Am I a little behind in the work force? Sure, but that is more a n indication of my lack of ambition for material goods than it is my choice to be a hands on parent. I don't regret ANYTHING, even if every moment wasn't perfection ... I sleep well at night. I know many of my friends, who were so distracted/stressed/subdivided and sometimes oblivious because of the OTHER JOB, are bothered by the 'what ifs" ... Hang in there. No one can have everything but if you put your priorities in the right order you CAN have what is truly important!
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Farseed 6-11-2008 @ 12:44PM
I am actually a SAHD (Stay at home dad). My next door neighbor runs a day care out of her house and we always talk about who is actually raising those kids. It is my neighbor who is raising them. They get dropped off by 7am (at the latest) and are picked up between 4pm and 7pm. If these kids sleep on average of 12 hours a night, then when do the "parents" spend time with them?
I think the priorities are wrong. Kids are the most important thing. Kids are a prividledge not a right! If you and your significant other both have to work to make ends meet now, don't have kids. I run a business out of my house (tax preparation), which makes the spring a busy time around here. There are times when my wife has to work and I have a client where we have to have someone watch our son, but as much as we can, we are raising him. We do not have any family within 13 hours driving distance. I know that we are blessed to be able to both have flexible schedules (mine a bit more so than my wife's).
I think my phrase for guys is going to be "Don't stick it in, unless you are gonna stick it out." It takes two to make a kid, whcy should only one raise him/her, or pass the job off to someone else to do?
Nicole 6-10-2008 @ 11:53AM
I'm so excited your bringing up this topic! I'm a SAHM and have been for 6 years. I love it! I can't imagine working! I have 2 young kids and an infant. Being a Mother is a job in itself! I take great pride in raising good members of society. I have many friends who work but would much rather be home with their kids. I also have many friends who work and tell me they have no idea how I stay home and they would go out of their mind if they were home with little ones all day! It's so economicaly hard for so many families these days that a lot of Mom's don't have a choice. They have to work to help support the family budget. I think that's sad. I wish more mom's could have a choice and choose for themselves and their family. I love that my kids don't have to go to after-school care after a long day of school. I love that if they forget something from home I can bring it by the school no problem. I love that if they are sick they can stay home and I don't have to call out sick to work. I love also that I can be in charge of the day. I couldn't imagine living any other way. I think though, that we are part of a lucky few who has this choice and that is a shame.
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Betsy 6-10-2008 @ 12:05PM
I spent 6 years as a SAH-military wife/mom with an Ivy League degree. Then I returned to grad school when the youngest was a toddler and later went to work. Some days I wish I could go back and change my decision so that I could be home everyday. For us, it was the knowledge that we would likely have to support our parents at some point that made me get back into the workforce. That's part of it anyway, I very much needed intellectual stimulation that I was not getting at home. I enjoy working and now that all the kids are in school it makes sense for us. I think, as women, we should all accept that when a woman freely chooses what is right for her that choice alone holds power. I read Midlife Crisis at 30 when I was making my choice. It described the difficulty women have achieving life balance.
I agree that we should support one another rather than perpetuate the Mommy Wars and jealousy on both sides.
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mf 6-10-2008 @ 12:32PM
i am a die-hard feminist, but i also know a glass ceiling when i hit it..over and over...and while i appreciate someone making the effort on the career front, i feel it's more productive to devote some years to raising a daughter at home who might be able to make more impact than i could.
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ame s 6-10-2008 @ 12:37PM
Besides a few months of working 2 days a week at a Parents Day Out program, I haven't worked outside the home since my 10 year old was born. Even when she was 2 and I had a newborn, I've never found myself wishing I had a job outside of the home.
I hope to be able to wait until my older daughter gets her driver's license before I re-enter the work force.
I like being able to drop whatever I am doing if one of the girls gets sick at school. A little boy spilled his thermos on my 8 year old during lunch, and I was able to grab fresh clothes for her and drive the 7/10 of a mile to school without clearing it with anyone else. Being a SAHM is the best job I've had so far and I wouldn't trade it for anything.
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Jen 6-10-2008 @ 12:43PM
Some of us are extremely fortunate to choose our lives, whether we
work or stay at home. We are the minority! I wish that the energy
we waste trying to validate whether we work or stay home could be
channeled into providing mothers who must work with better benefits
and wages. Let's reach out and help those mothers who do not have a
choice!
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Courtney 6-10-2008 @ 12:47PM
If we had the financial means for me to stay home I would. I loved it when I did it while I was finishing my degree and would give my right arm to go back to it. I just hate when SAHM complain about it. Be grateful for it or go get a job. Noone's stopping you!
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Mandy 6-11-2008 @ 10:40AM
Hi Courtney! I am a SAHM and truly love what I do. I am currently on the fast track to financial freedom, as well as, being able to bring my husband home to stay with me and our children everyday! I would love show you how you can do the same for your family...I won't even ask for your right arm!! LOL! Please call me at 615-453-1537. You will not be sorry or disappointed in this decision to change your current lifestyle. Talk with you soon!
Paige 6-10-2008 @ 1:10PM
Great topic and great responses! I am SAHM and I love it...well, most of the time!
I can see how professional women may get jealous. As a SAHM I am the CEO of my home. I can keep a close eye on our finances. I can spend long summer days with my children. I never missed my babies saying their first words, or taking their first steps. I can volunteer at school. I have time to make healthy homemade meals, and teach my children how to do the same. If I get ill or have a migraine, it is possible for me to rest--you can't do that at the office.
It is true, we moms who stay home have our perks. But still, it is a 24/7 job and we have to constantly be on our game to keep our homes running smoothly. I can spend an hour cleaning up toys and it takes only 5 minutes for my kids to make the same mess again! Staying home is a lot more challenging than I ever thought it would be.
As for those who say college educated SAHM's are wasting their degrees--couldn't it be said that having a good education can make a woman a better mother? The dedication, perseverance, organization and hard work it took to earn a degree are all things we use in our daily lives to manage our homes. And aren't those qualities ones that we want to instill in our children? They make us good role models.
I agree with a previous poster about the economy. I have been staying home since my first child was born, and lately we are wondering what we are going to do just to be able to afford groceries and other necessities. I will probably have to work a part-time job at night, after my husband gets home from work, which will be okay, but my kids and husband will still suffer when I cannot be there to eat dinner with them, or get the kids tucked into bed at night. We are also seriously considering moving into a smaller home so we can make money off of our current home (if we can sell it), and have a smaller mortgage and property tax payment. That way I could stay home without feeling stressed financially. I wish the government would stop handing out welfare to irresponsible families, where neither parent bothers to work, and others of us are trying to make ends meet and do the right thing by having a stay-home parent. We are the ones who need to be rewarded, even though there would be no paycheck big enough for the endless work we do!
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